I hardly get spoken to here (usually straight up ignored) but I'm not okay and need...I don't know what I need anymore. My life is falling apart. Most things that could go wrong have gone wrong in the last month, and everybody is expecting me to put on a smiling face.
My new endocrinologist will not let me transition. He threw out everything my former endo and former psychologist said, their letters, everything. He now says that he will not let me transition if I am in his office, because it would "threaten" his practice for him to do so, and will not approve me for surgery even though I finally found two surgeons in my area who are willing to do it and have experience in it. My new therapist is no help, saying he wouldn't write a letter due to his own personal inexperience with "the whole trans thing". My old psychologist is unreachable because he's no longer at that practice and god knows where he is. My old endo moved to a Catholic hospital so she now wants nothing to do with me. My general physician put me into the care of the general physician who refused to treat me in 2013 because I am trans and it clashed with her religion. She called me up a couple days before Christmas to tell me this and I completely lost my words.
Nobody in my life calls me by male pronouns. They treat me like a girl. They don't take me seriously.
No matter what I do, I can not imagine my future living as a woman. I just can not. That sadness.
No words of "its going to get better" "hang in there" "its gonna be okay" "stay strong" "you never know" would help me anymore. I need real help.
I've been now actively trying to transition for six years, spent god knows how much money on this to get no result, spent so much time in doctors' and surgeons' and therapists' offices trying to get permission. Just to have an ax swung down on my dreams time and again. This is the sixth time I've dealt with surgeons. This is the fourth therapist. Second endo. Fourth general physician. Whenever any one of them leaves I have to start all over and I don't understand why but that's been the way it is.
What would you do in my position? Would you keep fighting? Would you be hurting? How could you keep fighting when everybody is telling you that you can't ever be you, and they don't care about you and you have nobody to lean on, and the despair is so bad that you can't live your life because you're so ashamed of yourself?
This is my ninth year being out as a transman, and still nobody acknowledges me as who I am even though I keep reminding them every day. They don't care. They don't give a s**t about me. I've attempted suicide so many times because of this and they don't care. I'm just another number. I told one of my general physicians (four years ago) that the night before I'd seriously contemplated suicide and he immediately called me by my female name and started talking about something else as if nothing had come out of my mouth. They just ignore me, even my cries for help.
The gender therapist who wrote my letter for me even told me that he didn't know what to do in my case. He just said, "Sumi, we are out of options. I don't know why they keep rejecting you. We're doing everything right. I don't know what to do." And we sat in his office in silence utterly defeated. Do you know what that feels like?
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm being crushed all over the place and I'm at square one yet again with my endocrinologist blocking me and my therapist saying no because he's inexperienced and therefore a block as well. My general physician is a block because she actively tried to convince me (screamed at me) that I am a female because that's the way god made me and I can't change that (and when I try to run away from her, everybody tries to make me go back to her like what she did to me is no big deal, and they finally succeeded even though she doesn't want to see me either). The surgeons won't do anything without letters.
I kind of want to take a lot of pain pills and just go to sleep. I'm very upset. But even checking into a mental hospital for ten days wouldn't do a thing. Nobody cares there. The nurses don't, the psychologist certainly doesn't.
On top of it all, these's this debilitating fear of my abuser coming back at any moment. He just got a brand new truck. He's mentally unstable. He's hurt people bad before, hurt me bad before. Almost killed me before. He thinks terrorizing somebody is a game, and that he above the law. And he is, because he gets away with everything.
I can't live this way anymore. Being scared all the time of him, knowing he'd get away with anything he attempts or does to me, hating myself, my body, everything about myself, being treated like a number, nobody ever believing me, blocking me from even living my life as myself.
This is too long to read. Probably nobody read it again, because nobody ever does. I don't get why I try. I guess something in me still wants to live, but there is no life to live here. Its really stupid, useless.
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