PTSD Support Thread

[On Your Six]

Song of the Century

So I went on vacation to Florida with family. In the past I suffered some abuse there, which I occasionally get nightmares of, but the memories and anxiety were so horrible the night before I went there that I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at most. It's never that bad.

That was a new experience and I don't want it to happen again emo

I'm sorry.

How do you feel right now? how was your experience while you were there? Did reality match up to your anxiety, or was it just the triggering that you felt?

[bloxbloxblox]

Okay...okay, here I go...

Here's how it started. Please...I acknowledge that it is in a public thread, any eye could see, which is why I'll keep some information confidential, like names keeping it anonymous and such. Alright... Here we go... I'm sorry if I get dramatic...it's traumatic recalling it...

I'm nineteen. I'm half Salvadorean. There is a hobby I enjoy, it makes me feel fun and alive and I enjoy it because I put a lot of hard work and effort into it. With this hobby, it's really famous and popular in El Salvador. There's a big community from it and fortunately I met many fantastic friends from it. All is good, until I talked with the leader of the big community group. Let's call him J. J is the leader of the said group. I didn't know much about him, but girls warned me he is a pervert and a creep. I took note of this, and avoided trying to talk to him as much as I could; but stupid, STUPID me...at that fated day, I trusted him because he consoled me.

So, I have this female friend that's from this community, let's call her N. N is very sweet, nice, considerate. She's really nice friends with J. They both seem to have a thing for each other; which is great, because I have a boyfriend back in the US. I'm in a loving 1 year and 2 month relationship with my boyfriend, nothing could be better! I love him and he loves me; we go through s**t but we get over them. Anyways, N one day invited me to her house so we could watch a movie and have a regular day to hang out, you know, a chilling out day. This is my first year ever having Salvadorean friends. My Mother, she was suspicious, but she trusted me. So, she told me it was on... July 13th. So July 13th arrived.

Stupid me. I was wearing black tights and a dress. I only had a purse and some light belongings with me. At that time though, my cellphone was out of battery- red flag. Nonetheless, I went to N's house that day and... J was there. I asked why he was there and she told me he wanted to meet me. He...had that eye...nonetheless, he seemed friendly. We shook hands, talked, and all went well... We watched a movie. N offered me some water- it tasted funny, but I drank it anyways because I thought I was being picky because it was water coming from a third world country. So we watched a movie in the living room and the lights were dim and thats...thats when it began... cry

[Song of the Century]

On Your Six

Song of the Century

So I went on vacation to Florida with family. In the past I suffered some abuse there, which I occasionally get nightmares of, but the memories and anxiety were so horrible the night before I went there that I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at most. It's never that bad.

That was a new experience and I don't want it to happen again emo

I'm sorry.

How do you feel right now? how was your experience while you were there? Did reality match up to your anxiety, or was it just the triggering that you felt?

I feel fine now. Been back for about a week now, so the nightmares were about two weeks ago. It was just the triggering; I knew nothing bad would happen, but the thoughts were horrible. The experience there was okay, though at times I almost could not breathe--I have breathing issues and the humidity was horrendous.

bloxbloxblox

I don't have much support to offer, but I'm so sorry that such a thing happened to you. Don't blame yourself, though... you dressed nicely and didn't expect friends to hurt you. That's normal and not your fault at all.

[bloxbloxblox]

So...after I drank the water, it triggered a panic attack from me. I saw white dots, I felt dizzy and I felt faint. I felt my body going numb...I begged for help and N told J to console me because I have anxiety so I didn't think it was anything physical, it was something mental and I needed emotional support so J consoled me...saying it was alright...so I got really sleepy. I...ended up knocking out...my entire body felt so immobilized...

But then...I had a nightmare... but it turned out to be ******** real. I was half-conscious. I thought it was a "nightmare" or so N told me because she ******** lied and told me I knocked out fully. But no. There was no sight of N. I felt J caressing, touching my body. J was kissing my neck, touching my body, feeling me up and all over. I felt his hands, his hands touching me in between my thighs...it was...ugh... um...anyways... J was touching me and then I felt him sliding down my panties and my undergarments. He violated me. And it was beyond my control. I...I felt everything. It was...it was so painful... I felt myself being ripped down there...it was a while since I've done things with my boyfriend so...it all...ugh...it was so painful. I tried to scream but I was intoxicated and they gave me a really strong daterape drug. I was powerless. The pain was so bad I ended up fainting at the end...

I woke up and found myself in the couch. J took my home and N told me it was only a dream and the anxiety was to blame...so...I believed her. The "nightmare" was so god damn realistic though. That J was raping me beyond my control. Also on that same day I smelled so sweaty and of his scent but N tried covering up, telling me it was because the heat makes people more smellier. So I ******** believed her. But when I got home...I saw blood on my panties and it smelled like chlorine but...I was so stupid. I thought it was because my period was going to come soon because I missed my period last month out of stress.

So...two weeks later...N confessed to me. That the nightmare was indeed ******** true. I...I ******** knew it. My period didn't happen at all. So I kept pressuring her, pressuring her to tell me the truth. She told me J threatened to kill her if she didn't let him rape me. I was...I was so ******** mad!!! I felt like a dirty, dirty worthless slut...so used, so unwanted... I was so ******** mad at myself... I knew it did happen it did... oh god... I can remember... I feel so ashamed of myself. If I ******** never went into this hobby this never would have happened, and my boyfriend, my boyfriend wouldn't have to deal with this ******** emotional wreck that I am right now...

[On Your Six]

bloxbloxblox

So, I have this female friend that's from this community, let's call her N. N is very sweet, nice, considerate. She's really nice friends with J. They both seem to have a thing for each other; which is great, because I have a boyfriend back in the US. I'm in a loving 1 year and 2 month relationship with my boyfriend, nothing could be better! I love him and he loves me; we go through s**t but we get over them.

Does he know? Has he been a good support?

What's the possibility of you moving in with him to get away from your mother?

Quote:

Stupid me. I was wearing black tights and a dress.

You aren't stupid.

What you wear doesn't give any indication of consent; it doesn't matter. you could have been naked, and it wouldn't have been 'leading him on' or anything like that.

That, and if he drugged you, it was obvious he didn't care whether you consented or not.

Quote:

nonetheless, he seemed friendly. We shook hands, talked, and all went well... We watched a movie.

Rapists don't have purple, UV sensitive tattoos on their forehead indicating them as such. He was acting like a normal human being; that wasn't you being stupid, and it's not reasonable to expect you to suspect everyone of having harmful motive.

Most rapists are opportunistic though. Statisically, it's likely to be someone you know, and they're likely to be a 'nice guy', who acts like a decent person, and giving you no reason to suspect him, because that would ruin his plans, and you wouldn't lower your guard around him.

Quote:

N offered me some water- it tasted funny, but I drank it anyways because I thought I was being picky because it was water coming from a third world country. So we watched a movie in the living room and the lights were dim and thats...thats when it began... cry

That's a reasonable thought; I would've thought the same thing.

((continue when you want; don't feel pressured to get it all out at once if it's difficult. you have to take care of yourself))

[bloxbloxblox]

On Your Six

bloxbloxblox

So, I have this female friend that's from this community, let's call her N. N is very sweet, nice, considerate. She's really nice friends with J. They both seem to have a thing for each other; which is great, because I have a boyfriend back in the US. I'm in a loving 1 year and 2 month relationship with my boyfriend, nothing could be better! I love him and he loves me; we go through s**t but we get over them.

Does he know? Has he been a good support?

What's the possibility of you moving in with him to get away from your mother?

Quote:

Stupid me. I was wearing black tights and a dress.

You aren't stupid.

What you wear doesn't give any indication of consent; it doesn't matter. you could have been naked, and it wouldn't have been 'leading him on' or anything like that.

That, and if he drugged you, it was obvious he didn't care whether you consented or not.

Quote:

nonetheless, he seemed friendly. We shook hands, talked, and all went well... We watched a movie.

Rapists don't have purple, UV sensitive tattoos on their forehead indicating them as such. He was acting like a normal human being; that wasn't you being stupid, and it's not reasonable to expect you to suspect everyone of having harmful motive.

Most rapists are opportunistic though. Statisically, it's likely to be someone you know, and they're likely to be a 'nice guy', who acts like a decent person, and giving you no reason to suspect him, because that would ruin his plans, and you wouldn't lower your guard around him.

Quote:

N offered me some water- it tasted funny, but I drank it anyways because I thought I was being picky because it was water coming from a third world country. So we watched a movie in the living room and the lights were dim and thats...thats when it began... cry

That's a reasonable thought; I would've thought the same thing.

((continue when you want; don't feel pressured to get it all out at once if it's difficult. you have to take care of yourself))

Unfortunately...my boyfriend has his struggles too. He can't financially afford to move out either. We both come from dysfunctional abusive families. At this time we can't move out nor have any circumstances to do anything about it. We both bitterly came to this because we've had talks about this already; but we both concluded that we both just needed to grit our teeth and cope with what we have until that day we can be able to move into a place together, if god lets us still be together by then. I just...in the hobby in El Salvador, it involves costuming. Costumes, dressing up, things like that.

When I do that hobby, I dress up more...provocative. Which makes me feel so dirty afterwards. I felt so confident, so pretty when I dressed up. I felt comfortable in my own skin, which was why I didn't care people remarked I wore "slutty" clothes and provocative looking outfits. I felt happy doing so; I made the costumes with my own blood, sweat and tears and...I was so happy to see the finished results. There were people who liked my costumes but of course...I knew the consequences, of dressing up like this because it seems as if I am "teasing" men or I am "asking for it" ...

And in regards with the rapist...I was so scared. I didn't confess that he raped me until the day before yesterday... He was the leader. He had so much influential power, at that time I was scared he would do something to me if I oppressed him or anything. He had this high dictating authority over us. I would hear stories on how he pressured girls to do sexual things with him and how he would talk perverted to a lot of girls, and ESPECIALLY invite them to his house!!! I...almost threw up when I found out he was targeting the underaged girls in my group... I was...so ******** disgusted...

I just...oh god...and that wasn't the worse part...

[On Your Six]

Song of the Century

I feel fine now. Been back for about a week now, so the nightmares were about two weeks ago. It was just the triggering; I knew nothing bad would happen, but the thoughts were horrible. The experience there was okay, though at times I almost could not breathe--I have breathing issues and the humidity was horrendous.

I hate humidity. I feel like I'm breathing water @_@

I'm glad you made it out okay. Knowing that you can handle it is very empowering.

[Song of the Century]

On Your Six

I hate humidity. I feel like I'm breathing water @_@

I'm glad you made it out okay. Knowing that you can handle it is very empowering.

It was a different situation though. I wore jeans the whole time and didn't have to go to a beach or theme park. The event involved accidentally getting a bad sunburn (not too bad on its own) and then being forced to walk in the sun for hours each day (exacerbating the sunburn to the point where it was agony to touch and it didn't fully disappear for 1.5-2 years without wearing shorts again).

[On Your Six]

bloxbloxblox

So...two weeks later...N confessed to me. That the nightmare was indeed ******** true. I...I ******** knew it. My period didn't happen at all. So I kept pressuring her, pressuring her to tell me the truth. She told me J threatened to kill her if she didn't let him rape me. I was...I was so ******** mad!!! I felt like a dirty, dirty worthless slut...so used, so unwanted... I was so ******** mad at myself... I knew it did happen it did... oh god... I can remember... I feel so ashamed of myself. If I ******** never went into this hobby this never would have happened, and my boyfriend, my boyfriend wouldn't have to deal with this ******** emotional wreck that I am right now...

What a....horrible, horrible person.

You are not dirty, or worthless, or a slut, and you have ever right to be angry.

The hobby isn't to blame for one man's decision to sin. You didn't set yourself up by having fun with people who shared a common interest.

Your boyfriend is with you because he loves you; he should be strong enough to handle the good times, and the bad, and be strong enough to support you when you need him. It's okay to be vulnerable and need help from time to time.

[On Your Six]

bloxbloxblox

Unfortunately...my boyfriend has his struggles too. He can't financially afford to move out either.

What are your barriers from keeping you from getting a job?

I saw it was suggested in the life issue's thread that you delay school so you can get a job;
the counseling at schools generally isn't worth living at home and delaying your healing.

Quote:

When I do that hobby, I dress up more...provocative. Which makes me feel so dirty afterwards. I felt so confident, so pretty when I dressed up. I felt comfortable in my own skin, which was why I didn't care people remarked I wore "slutty" clothes and provocative looking outfits. I felt happy doing so; I made the costumes with my own blood, sweat and tears and...I was so happy to see the finished results. There were people who liked my costumes but of course...I knew the consequences, of dressing up like this because it seems as if I am "teasing" men or I am "asking for it" ...

There are no consequences for how you dress, as far as sexuality goes.

Wearing "provocative" (gag) clothing, or revealing clothing, or clothing that makes a woman attractive, is never consent for sex. I mean, think about that.

If I went out in a tube top, mini skirt, and heels, am I consenting to having sex with any and every man in the area who might deem me attractive? Just an open stop and go? No.

Same as if a girl's wearing a t shirt and jeans, and some guy finds her personality (and body) attractive

You have the final say on people's interactions with you, and never at any point does that give anyone who finds you attractive permission, or entitle them, to use your body as they see fit, without your permission or input.

You have every reason to be proud of your costumes. No one should shame you for putting so much work into a beautiful work of art, and then feeling good and comfortable and strong in it.

Quote:

And in regards with the rapist...I was so scared. I didn't confess that he raped me until the day before yesterday... He was the leader. He had so much influential power, at that time I was scared he would do something to me if I oppressed him or anything. He had this high dictating authority over us. I would hear stories on how he pressured girls to do sexual things with him and how he would talk perverted to a lot of girls, and ESPECIALLY invite them to his house!!! I...almost threw up when I found out he was targeting the underaged girls in my group... I was...so ******** disgusted...

He sounds like a power player who feels entitled, manipulative, and generally a sociopath.

I hope you can get away from him, and the people that support him, as soon as possible.

Any luck on the embassy search?

Quote:

I just...oh god...and that wasn't the worse part...

emotion_hug

[On Your Six]

Song of the Century

On Your Six

I hate humidity. I feel like I'm breathing water @_@

I'm glad you made it out okay. Knowing that you can handle it is very empowering.

It was a different situation though. I wore jeans the whole time and didn't have to go to a beach or theme park. The event involved accidentally getting a bad sunburn (not too bad on its own) and then being forced to walk in the sun for hours each day (exacerbating the sunburn to the point where it was agony to touch and it didn't fully disappear for 1.5-2 years without wearing shorts again).

You had anxiety, and then things turned out relatively okay. I'd say that's a win 3nodding

((...ouch. Sounds like I burn I got two years ago. My skin blistered and was raw and weeping..))

[Song of the Century]

On Your Six

You had anxiety, and then things turned out relatively okay. I'd say that's a win 3nodding

((...ouch. Sounds like I burn I got two years ago. My skin blistered and was raw and weeping..))

Well, it wasn't anxiety that something was going to happen, more just anxiety over the memories.

Yeah, massive blisters, the burn (which peeled a lot) turned into dark purple skin after a few months, then a year or so after that it turned into a very nice tan.

[On Your Six]

Song of the Century

Well, it wasn't anxiety that something was going to happen, more just anxiety over the memories.

You still win 4laugh

Quote:

Yeah, massive blisters, the burn (which peeled a lot) turned into dark purple skin after a few months, then a year or so after that it turned into a very nice tan.

OW OW OW gonk

[bloxbloxblox]

You're...you're right...I just...I just feel so dirty, the flashbacks of having a full grown man take advantage of a girl and indulge in his carnal pleasures...yes I was well known in the community for dressing up provocative but...I wasn't "asking" for it... just because I dressed up like a "slut" didn't mean I was. It was my own style...
But anyways... yes. But I felt so selfish to beg of my boyfriend for help. In fact I felt so horrible when the first thing I found out I told him; because while I told him, he also dealing with the fact that his older brother got in a fatal car crash and went under coma...I just... I didn't want to overwhelm with this at the time. I felt so selfish doing so, I didn't wish to intensify his pain and grief even more- which is why I turn to you guys. My boyfriend is the first one I would go to; but unfortunately he has more personal matters to turn to which I don't mind. I felt horrible to hear such horrible news in his family. So I just wanted to comfort him...

[bloxbloxblox]

Song of the Century

On Your Six

Song of the Century

So I went on vacation to Florida with family. In the past I suffered some abuse there, which I occasionally get nightmares of, but the memories and anxiety were so horrible the night before I went there that I got maybe 1-2 hours of sleep at most. It's never that bad.

That was a new experience and I don't want it to happen again emo

I'm sorry.

How do you feel right now? how was your experience while you were there? Did reality match up to your anxiety, or was it just the triggering that you felt?

I feel fine now. Been back for about a week now, so the nightmares were about two weeks ago. It was just the triggering; I knew nothing bad would happen, but the thoughts were horrible. The experience there was okay, though at times I almost could not breathe--I have breathing issues and the humidity was horrendous.

bloxbloxblox

I don't have much support to offer, but I'm so sorry that such a thing happened to you. Don't blame yourself, though... you dressed nicely and didn't expect friends to hurt you. That's normal and not your fault at all.

Oh! Um...thank you for your care. Also I want to say I can relate to you on the anxiety part and am extremely sympathetic when it comes to GAD or anxiety in general... sweatdrop I've suffered anxiety for 3 years now...it ain't pretty. And for the same reason you do! eek The heat and humidity in El Salvador is a LOT like Florida so the heat and humid tend to suffocate me and makes my anxiety worse as well, especially in the night time. gonk I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same.