lights will guide you home

[je suis gange]

this is a private roleplay betwee escape theory and je suis gange.
please do not post if you are not them.
feel free to follow along to your little heart's content.

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 71

He never thought this was where he would be at twenty-eight.

At one moment in time, he pictured himself in a two story house on farmland. Beautiful, white with a porch swing. Maybe a few kids running around. A beautiful wife. That's how he imagined he'd be a twenty-eight years old. His blue eyes lifted and looked up at the alarm sitting on top of the cabinets in the fire station. They had no calls like most days and he seemed disappointed by it. At least running into a burning building would make him feel better. It was a sick thought but he didn't mind the thoughts much anymore. He realized that there was no need to act perfect anymore, not after she left him. Taylor lifted himself from the rolling chair he had been sitting it, shutting off the computer and walking into the locker room of the station. Sliding the door open to his locker, he grabbed his backpack that held his clothes and carried it outside. It was tossed right into the back of his solid black F-250. While many people pictured him as a poor country boy, he was anything but that. When he was younger, maybe, until his parents suddenly died from a double homicide years ago.

That was when a lawyer handed him the key to the family home as well as the paperwork to all their hidden bank accounts. It seemed they hid quite a bit from their only son, like their investments and the company that they ran when they were alive. Of course, Taylor was never a spoiled child and he wasn't spoiled now. He had to admit that the truck was just a little treat for himself but he left the accounts alone. Until the house decided that it would be hilarious to grow mold and now he had to get his house repaired. Which meant he was staying at his ex-girlfriend's house, which never bothered him. Her parents still adored him like usual and he didn't mind helping around the farm like he usually did, getting his rather steep paycheck but it was a paycheck. It was enough for him to get gas and food, pay a few bills without touching the money he held back away from the world.

He pulled down the gravel road and parked in front of the house, turning off the truck and slamming the door shut. His boots thumped up the front steps of the porch and he smelled the air. He could already smell the pies that were baking, the smell of lemons due to one of his favorite women in the world making lemonade. Opening up the door and entering, he decided that it was best not to bother her. Emily's mother always complained that he smelled like sweat and soot from just being around the fire station.

Emily.

He bit the inside of his cheek as he pushed the door open to the bathroom, starting up the shower. His clothes were yanked off, revealing the silver chain nestled against his smooth chest. He often forgot it was there, the small silver band dangling there with a single small heart shaped diamond. It was the best that he could afford at the time, a constant reminder that it didn't matter how sweet you were, how caring and amazing you tried to be, you could still get your heart ripped out and shattered in a moments notice. He was amazed that he hadn't snapped it off and threw it down the toilet drain by now. Sliding into the shower, he sighed quietly and stood under the hot spray of the shower. And fifteen minutes later, he was out, his towel wrapped tight around his waist as he walked down the hallway towards his bedroom.

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


It hadn’t taken long for her to decide come back home. Really, all her mom had to do was call her and Emily hopped onto the first plane back to the small town she had lived years ago. Sure, it had taken some work with her schedule and promises to pick up more shifts when she got back. But she had gotten the allotted time off and had booked her tickets for the next morning.

Her flight had been a one-stop mess; the first half of the flight spent listening to old people discuss politics and how much they loved getting vacation time away from their wife and the second half spent next to two children who clearly had yet to learn their manners and their mother just ignoring everything like it wasn't happening. Overall, something she would hopefully not have to repeat again. Stretching her arms the second she got out into the sun, she took a deep breath and exhaled. One thing she had missed, fresh air. The city she worked in tended to be smoggy most of the day, mountain lines hazy and covered in gray most of the time. Wandering around outside for a few minutes before someone came to pick her up, she took in the sights before her.

So far, from what she had seen, it hadn’t changed much.

Her mother had rolled up in her father’s old pickup truck and Emily instantly fell back into old memories of learning how to drive in it. Her father had sworn after the first lesson that he had lost ten years off his life but she could still remember the proud smile he wore and could remember him telling her mom how thankful he was that she took after him. Her mother had loved that. Then again, it didn't matter much until she got her own car. Tossing her bags into the bed, she hopped up into the cab, grinning at her mother. “You look so skinny, Emmy, do they not feed you out in Chicago or what?” Emily laughed, already feeling a million times better from her flight. One thing she could always count on, if her mom could still make jokes then her father wasn’t too bad.

Rumbling up the old path to her childhood home, she kept her eyes glued to the window. While not much had changed, enough had that she almost felt left behind. Even if she had done the leaving. Grabbing her bags once they stopped, she unloaded easily and moved back into the house. Dropping her stuff at the door, she followed after her mom into the den where her father sat. “Hey Emmybean! I wasn’t expecting you for a couple more days.” Rolling her eyes at the nickname, she replied, “Guess I just couldn’t wait to see your old face.”

Once she had gotten through with the introductions, her mother pushed her towards her old room with a promise that it hadn’t changed. Walking down the old hallway, she frowned when she heard the shower going. Her parents hadn’t mentioned any visitors. Finding herself wandering down the hallway at the exact moment the shower turned off and the door creaked open, she gaped at who came out, “Oh, Taylor.”

Lovely. Just what she needed.

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 112

He heard it. The doors shut downstairs to the truck, the sound of people entering the house. They had mentioned that they had a visitor staying with them but each time he asked, they only grinned to one another. They said that he would see soon enough. And hearing Mr. Hansen announce the childish nickname that he knew too well, he knew that he needed to get the hell out and fast. The last time he saw her was years ago, back when she had rammed her hand into his chest and stripped him of his beating heart. Everyone knew that when Emily Hansen hit the road for Chicago, half of Taylor Lancaster went with her. Just as he caught a glimpse of the guest bedroom, he came face to face with her.

And god was she beautiful.

"E-Emily," he stuttered. Great, he was stuttering? The big and bad volunteer fire fighter was stuttering over a small girl that was at least five inches shorter than he was, like usual. What made this moment worse was the fact that he was half naked, the thin towel keeping his lower half covered. Clearing his throat, he stepped around her carefully, "Excuse me..." He didn't want to be caught here like this and he didn't need to be kicked out on his butt because they thought he was fooling around with their daughter again. Ashamed that he couldn't muster out a hello to her, he pushed open the door to his bedroom and slowly closed it. In a flash, he was dressed in jeans and his boots, yanking on a dark blue t-shirt just as he was called for downstairs. No doubt he'd be sent out to feed the horses or something silly like that. Pulling his old fire department hat on his head, he took the stairs two at a time. "Taylor, sweetheart, can you go out and feed the horses? And do be careful..." Taylor couldn't help but to smile. Mrs. Hansen was always a sweet woman, a second mom to him. Kissing her cheek and hearing her giggle at the cute sign of affection, he chirped, "You don't have to ask. I'm on it and I'll be fine. Don't worry."

And with that being said, he made his way outside into the pasture, looking out at the green grass. He practically grew up n the Hansen farm himself, always coming here to be with his family friends. His own parents had been friends with the Hansen's since he was little. Smiling bitterly to himself, he slid open the barn doors and crinkled his nose. The hay needed to be changed. Leading three beautiful horses from the barn, allowing them to run across the pasture and nibble on the grass, he turned back and headed inside, a sweat already breaking over his brow due to the heat of the day.

The barn was clean half an hour later and he plopped back down on a hay bale. His arm dropped over his eyes as he panted softly. He had worked non-stop in the sweltering barn and he knew what was happening. His vision was darkening in the edges and he was panting hard. His heart was racing in his chest and he held his breath, a small hope sparking inside him that it would slow down his heart. He didn't need anymore complications, especially not with Emily back in town.

Then again, she apparently didn't care about him back then so why would she even care now?

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


The few seconds it took for her mind to catch up to the events happening, seemed to have given Taylor enough time to bail. Well, that hadn’t exactly gone as bad as she assumed it would have. Certainly not as bad as their last meeting. The thought of the fight always managed to bring her down, just the fact that it even had gotten as ugly as it had brought a frown to her face. Emily honestly could say half of what she had yelled that night wasn’t even true. Shaking the thought away, she went back into the kitchen where her mother was finishing up some pies and demanded, “You didn’t tell me Taylor was here. Mom, you know what happened.” Her mother clicked her tongue, replying, “I didn’t think I had to. You know your father likes him here and he is a good man. You two used to be such good friends before you left.” Before the break up. Before that, she would have easily deemed Taylor her best friend. She told him basically everything, including things he probably didn’t want to hear but sat through anyway.

“Now shoo, I need to finish these pies and then you are going to bring him a glass of lemonade. You two used to always share a pitcher.” Shaking her head Emily added, “Mom, you aren’t listening. He bailed immediately when he saw me. I mean, he was only in a towel so I understand but still. He doesn’t want to be friends, mom.” Her mother shot her the patented ‘I know what I am doing and you will do as I say’ look, something Emily remember getting when Taylor and her stayed out too late or whenever she would complain about having to do a chore. Her mother usually turned out to be right to use the look but it didn’t make this any easier.

Armed with a pitcher of lemonade and two chilled glasses, she walked over to the barn not a half hour later. Hearing panting, she figured Taylor was still working which meant that she could just place the pitcher down somewhere near him and then she could bolt back to the house and hide away until dinner. Oh yeah, she was totally being mature about this. Turning the corner, she paused for the second time that day because of the man. It looked like he was having a hard time or something, making her approach him. “Hey, you okay? Do I need to get my mom or something?” Taking a few moments to remember the lemonade, she poured out a cup and thrust it towards him. “Here, maybe this will help.” Setting the pitcher down on a bale, she added, “You know, mom probably wouldn’t like to know you’re out here working in the heat if it affects you like this. Does she know?”

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 105

Taylor took in a quiet breath. His heart was still racing and he knew that he needed to calm it. His medication was sitting in the guest room, tucked away safely in the nightstand beside the bed. But if he walked past Emily like this... no, she wouldn't even notice. She never noticed back then and she wouldn't now.

When Taylor was eighteen, he was on the high school football team. He was the all star, he was the team captain. He could do it all. Until the night of the homecoming game when a rather large opposing player had grabbed him in a tackle and slammed him to the ground. The hit was hard and the game had gone to a screeching halt. The tackle was just like the other tackles he had been taking that night. Only this time, Taylor wasn't getting back up. The paramedics rushed the field, they took him to the hospital. It took all they could to slow his heart down, the underlying cause of why he dropped. It was only a matter of time. He was pulled off the team after that hit by his parents. They lost the championship that year.

Ten years later and here he was, laying back on a hay bale and trying to control his arrhythmia, the curse he had since high school. Some days, he was fine. He could settle down and calm himself. Others, like today, he knew that he needed his medication and pronto. Debating on getting up and attempting to walk, he heard a noise in the barn and he shifted his head to look at the doors. Oh no. Oh no, what was she doing here?! He felt his heart jump and he cleared his throat, shakily pushing himself into a seated position. "Hey," God, he felt like a d**k for walking away from her earlier. He should have said some sort of greeting and acted like it was good to see her. Not that he hated seeing her, it just took a strain on his poor heart to see that she was as beautiful as ever and probably doing very well for herself. Probably high up in a company, probably engaged to a filthy rich businessman. A country boy like him couldn't compete. He had nothing to offer and he wasn't about to tell her about the bank accounts. Or his heart problem. Or the fact that both his parents were dead, an event that happened only two months after she left for Chicago. The only people he trusted with it was her parents, only because they treated him like a son.

"What? Oh, I, uh, I'm just taking a break. It's hot out here, y'know?" He offered her a small smile that quickly dropped when she said that she would get her mom. "No, whoa no. Don't go rattin' me out to your momma. Thanks," he took the glass of lemonade and took a deep swig. He made a small noise of appreciation. The drink was sweet and sour, the perfect blend. He wasn't sure how Mrs. Hansen could get it so perfect. "Y'know, you momma could always make perfect lemonade. Yours was always too sweet." he teased. Setting the glass down on the bale, he stood up and pressed his hand to the wall. He didn't need to stumble, feeling his vision slowly clear up and he laughed lightly, "It doesn't happen often but she knows when it does. I'm sure you noticed that your dad isn't exactly capable of doing all this at the moment and I'm not about to let him down and not help."

Taylor sighed quietly as he picked up the pitchfork, placing it back with the other tools. "Besides, they don't exactly let me do this for free. You know your parents, they always paid for help. It's not a lot but it's something." Brushing his hands against his jeans, he looked back over to her. "Chicago been treating you well?" he asked, finding the small trace of bitterness in his voice.

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


Even if she still felt like the best thing to do was to go tell her mom, Emily respected Taylor’s request not to. The following tease made her roll her eyes, “You just never had an appreciation for the sweeter things. I couldn’t help it that I didn’t want to feel like I was sucking on a lemon with every sip.” Watching Taylor stand, she adjusted into the position so she could catch him if he fell. Being out in the barn joking with him though, it felt almost normal. Like the long years of a gap didn’t exist and that she could lean over and take his hand whenever she wanted, knowing he wouldn’t push her away. But it wasn’t that time anymore and she shoved the memories into the back of her mind. Nodding at what he said, she commented with a soft smile, “I’m glad he has you, dad that is. Mom likes you around too. Though, I think she still likes anything that makes him happy.”

“Well, I guess they never wanted you to lose time you could spend doing other things. You know them. They don’t like time being wasted.” Then came the magic question she knew would come eventually. “Chicago is Chicago. I mean, it isn’t the same city I left for and I am definitely not the same girl that left for it.” She started with a shrug before adding, “Sometimes I miss the peace of being out here. It gets so noisy and crowded there that sometimes it feels like too much. But, I have a job that I love, friends that I spend time with, and I can’t really complain about that.”

“What about you? What’s been going on since I left?” She offered up, knowing that Taylor could very well reject answering her. They weren’t exactly friends and she could still feel the tension from the fight running between them. Things were different and she had no clue how to fix any of it. “I noticed the town hasn’t changed much. I wonder, is our old rope swing still out on the tree on the other side of the property?”

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 100

Taylor was amazed. While he knew that she probably hated him for the nasty fight they had endured right before she left, she still teased him right back. He pressed a hand over his thrumming heart and pouted, "The famous Emily Hansen eye roll. You wound me, little bit." As soon as the silly nickname rolled off his tongue, he wished that he could fish it back. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable and bring up memories. Clearing his throat as he pushed hay with his boot, he commented right back, "I loved your sweet lemonade." And he loved her but that was beyond the point. Taylor hummed quietly as he listened to her talk about her parents. Of course they loved him but they also pitied him. He could see it in their apologetic smiles directed at him each time they brought up their daughter. No one had been expecting her to just leave him behind like that.

He felt his heart drop. She wasn't the same girl. Not that he expected her to stay the same but he had missed her. While she was gone, he never had another woman come in and take her place. They tried but none of them successfully managed. He wanted to be left alone and he had gotten that wish, especially after his parents were killed. "That's great, I'm glad to hear that your happy." Not. Why couldn't she be miserable like he was? No, she had friends, she had a good job, she had a life. All he was was some stupid farm boy that was a volunteer fire fighter. That was it.

"The usual, really. I volunteer down at the fire station now until I can get my fire license and take it on full time. And, well, I've been hanging around here since my parents' house got infested with mold. Same old, same old." Taylor gave her a small shrug. There was nothing to tell, the town seemed to stay the same to him. "Oh, we have a Wal-Mart now. All the local farmers hate it." Taylor snickered, shaking his head. The rope swing? He remembered trying to help set that stupid thing up. It never looked safe but it always held their weight. His mind flashed back, remebering helping her get situated and pushing her to give her a little boost. "Yeah, it is, actually. We've been talking about taking it down soon. Doesn't look so safe anymore." And he didn't want the constant reminder of what could have been. "C'mon, let's go look, huh?" he offered her a lazy grin before picking up his glass of lemonade and leading her out to the opposite side of the Hansen property.

It was strange. The walk was silent and he could feel his hand itching to touch hers. To hold hers once more. He knew that it was much smaller and smoother than his own hand and he missed the feeling. But that was never going to take place, not again. Pointing out, he grinned, "There it is! The poor thing looks like it'll just fall from the tree."

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


“Oh, fire fighters are cool! I dated one almost a year ago for a while. He had the craziest work hours. I mean, I thought mine were bad but he was always on call it seemed.” The minute the words left her mouth, she wanted to take them back. Or make them disappear. Either one worked for her. But soon they were moving onto the next topic and she could only nod along with what he said, chuckling at the Wal-Mart comment.

She grinned wide at him when they reached the swing, jogging ahead to go look at it. “Wow! I can’t believe you guys really kept this. I remember it used to give mom heart attacks when we would play on it.” Running her hand down the tattered rope, she looked back at Taylor, “Remember the first time you dared me to jump off of it? I swore mom was going to kill you. I even think she would have gotten dad involved. Of course, they probably would have ended up madder at me than you.” Tugging on the rope, she asked, “Have you been on it lately? It looks like it might still be able to support someone. Though, I doubt it would go very high before breaking.”

It made her sad, looking at all of the old things they used to do together. Even before they had been a couple, Emily always had the most fun with him. No matter what they were doing. They could have been doing English homework and they would start reading in funny voices to each other to make it through the chapter or he would promise to take her out for smoothies if she got over an 80% on her math tests. And she would always take him to a place of his choice whenever he did something good. “Do you think we could fix it up? It would be horrible to let all the good memories of it go away.” Like one of the first times they had kissed or when Taylor would push her on the swing, Emily laughing hard.

“You know, Chicago has this really nice park over by where I live and I go there sometimes to use the swings. It just never really matched this one.” She commented, almost feeling compelled to share about her new life. “Then again, that one does have screaming children at almost all the afternoon hours. They usually like to go on this huge slide.” She said her hands moving as she spoke. “It’s nice though, to have something that reminds me of home there. I used to go a lot more than I do now but I’ve been busier lately with work.” Turning to face him, she asked, “What else is still here? I would be pretty fun to see all the old stuff again.”

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 96

He felt his heart drop to the bottom of his chest and his face fell for a moment. He didn't want her to see how hurt he was by her comment. What did he expect, really? For her to wait for him? He was never going to go to Chicago and she was never going to come back. He was a fool, a stupid fool. Of course she dated someone else, a real fire fighter. One that actually got paid and could support her. God, he was worthless. Staring at the swing, barely hearing her comment, he shifted for a moment and nodded. He remembered quite clearly, especially when she skinned up her knee and he carried her inside, although the wound was barely bleeding and she could walk just fine. "I remember. I carried you inside and your mom about threw a fit." And he had cleaned it with hydrogen peroxide and placed a Snoopy band-aid over her wound. He remembered it clearly. He even kissed her skinned knee.

And yet she left.

Rubbing his free hand over his stubbled jaw, he commented, "Nah, I haven't. I haven't been around here lately until your mom called me about a week ago." He hated it out here. Although it was beautiful, it was filled with memories. Too many memories. Parties and laughter and kissing. Setting his glass down in the grass, he walked over to the swing and stared at it for a moment, standing beside her. This was where they had first kissed. He remembered, it was so silly. He had asked her to go to the movies with him and she did, obviously thinking that it was just some fun day they were having. That night, he brought her here and they sat against the trunk of the tree, looking at the stars before he tilted her head and kissed her. "I suppose we could. The fire department is getting rid of one of the fire hoses. Maybe I can pick it up later and we can replace it."

He gave her a weak smile when she brought up Chicago. He wondered why she bothered even talking to him. He hadn't apologized for the hurtful things he had said back then. Well, she hadn't apologized either but still. Shrugging, he said, "Well, there's still the lake. They just repaired the dock after a poor guy fell through the boards of the old one. And the tree house at my house is still up. It's termite free and I'm not sure how. I would at least think it was infested with ants after all the junk food we brought in there." Softly, Taylor shrugged his shoulders. "Maybe we can go there, sometime. If you want to."

"But, right now, I should really get those horses back in the barn before your mom really has a reason to kill me!" he said with a grin. Moving his glass to sit by the tree, he walked over to her and lifted her up into his arms. Settling her down to hold onto the swing, he smiled up to her, "Careful now, don't fall. And don't swing so high." Turning away from her, he rushed away to the pasture, ushering the horses into the barn, grateful that they didn't fuss too bad at him.

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


It had surprised her, him lifting her up. She hadn't been for a while and really, Taylor was the only one who knew just where to put his arms to make sure that she didn't get hurt. Watching him rush away, she frowned. Hadn't they been getting along? Sure, neither of them seemed to be ready to apologize anytime soon but she thought they had been having a pretty good time catching up. Or maybe he just didn't want to deal with the awkwardness or maybe he had changed enough that he didn't want to spend time with her. Not that many people really wanted to spend time with their ex. Still. Hopping off the swing, finding her interest in it dwindling now that she didn't have company, Emily started walking back to her parent's house, hoping she could at least find something to do there. Maybe her mother would let her help with the cooking or something. She hadn't been the best cook when she left but over the years, she had pretty much perfected cooking. It had gotten to the point where she could have a recipe dropped in front of her and she could probably make it. If it wasn't pies or anything sweet treats. She never had been good at those. Taylor could probably attest to that.

Finding her mother fluttering around the kitchen, Emily learned against the doorway. She had missed this. The over encompassing feeling of being home. Sure, she felt like that in Chicago now but for the longest time she had almost come back. Had almost decided that she had lost more than she would ever gain. The thought had pushed her to go and make the city her home. "I know you are back there. Either come in or go bother your father." Stepping into the kitchen, Emily replied, "I gave him the lemonade and we hung out. But he left after we went over by the swing." She frowned slightly, feeling like she was seventeen all over again and telling her mother each detail of what they had done so she could find out if he liked her back. "Emily, you hurt that boy when you left. Everyone could see it. Just give him time to adjust to you being back here."

Nodding, Emily excused herself with a, "I think I am going to go lie down and try to rest." Walking down the hall to her old room, she plopped down onto the bed. While it wasn't the first time someone had mentioned the fact that she had hurt Taylor when she left, Emily still couldn't help but feel guilty. The sad thing though, she would have stayed if he had asked her one more time. Sure, she probably would have left and then at the last minute decided to come back but she would have stayed. Of course, that was before they started fighting. Shoving the thoughts from her mind, figuring it was no use to keep thinking about it, she curled up into the middle of her bed (a way she had started sleeping since the first time her and Taylor had shared a bed as a couple) and shut her eyes. Maybe sleep would make her feel better.

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 112

Taylor let out a small sigh as he locked the barn up for the night. He made sure that they were fed and had plenty of water for the night as he closed the door, snapping the lock into place. The last thing they needed was their only horses getting stolen, after all. Once the task was completed, he walked back over to the swing, thinking of something clever and cute to say to his long lost friend. Instead... he saw the swing. It was dangling there helplessly, fluttering in the wind. She left. His hand scrubbed across his face and down his jaw. Picking up the glass that he had left behind, he headed back to the house, annoyance apparent in his slated blue eyes. Setting it down in the sink, he turned the faucet on and began washing his hands. Mrs. Hansen looked at him, sadness in her own eyes. Taylor and his own mother were never close so Mrs. Hansen had taken it upon herself to take care of him when he was younger. She had even gone with him to pick out the engagement ring.


"Taylor, sweetheart, you've been working hard all day. How are you feeling?" Taylor knew that it was more of an emotional question than a physical one. In response, he only shrugged his shoulders, earning a sigh from the woman. She walked over and handed him a paper towel so he could dry his hands. "You hurt her too, Taylor. Give it time, it'll get better." Taylor smiled weakly and tossed the paper towel into the trash can. He kissed the woman's cheek and mumbled, "I'll go get some groceries, okay?"

After he was given a list, he was ready to go. Leaving in his truck, he made his way to the Wal-Mart and began shopping. He was used to shopping alone, sometimes dragging along Mrs. Hansen since she liked particular things for her baking. Standing in the ice cream aisle, he tilted his head at the small pint buckets sitting in the cooler. He could remember Emily's favorite flavor and he knew it would be a good way to break the ice. Reaching in, he plucked the pint up and dropped it in the bucket, reaching up and grabbing his own. Rainbow sherbet, his favorite. Checking out and coming back to the house only ten minutes later, he took the stairs two at a time and stood at her bedroom door. Taking in a deep breath, feeling his heart race at the thought of seeing her. Knocking softly on the door and then opening it, he slowly walked inside. "Emily? I, uh... I brought you something." With that being said, he held out the pint to her with a spoon. "Your mom doesn't know I brought this up here for you. She still hates it when you eat ice cream before dinner."

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


She hadn’t slept for very long, her mind wandering back into memories. So, once she had given up hope for sleeping, she switched to reading, finding her old books easily. Picking one at random, she smiled when a couple notes fell out. She and Taylor used to get bored in English or some other class so they would pass notes to each other and, apparently, Emily had found these ones funny enough to keep. Only, when she opened the first one up, she almost closed it after reading the first line. It wasn’t one of the funny ones. No, it was one of the ones she had kept after realizing her feelings extended to more than friends and Taylor had said something that made her feel special. She had no idea why everything had to bring their relationship to mind. Yes, they loved each other and he would always be the biggest ‘what if’ but they were different people now. They had their own lives that didn’t depend on each other and that was that.

Except, apparently, it really wasn’t.

Sitting up when she heard knocking followed by her bedroom door opening, she was surprised to see Taylor. With ice cream. Her favorite ice cream. He had gotten her her favorite brand of ice cream and her favorite flavor. Making grabby hands for it, she smiled and exclaimed, “I can’t believe you remembered! No one ever remembers.” Which made Taylor the best. Setting it aside for the moment, she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug. “Thank you, seriously, you are the best.” Letting go, she settled back onto her bed before adjusting a little before patting the spot next to her. “C’mon, come sit with me. We can hide from mom’s glare for a while before she inevitably finds out that we had ice cream.”

Opening her ice cream, she hummed in pleasure at the first bite. Taking a couple more quickly, she said, “They don’t have this out in Chicago for some reason. So I never get it. I tried the other kinds but nothing tastes as good as this.” She had tried coconut ice cream, her favorite, for the first time as a dare. It had been a new flavor and after eating some, it became her favorite and she had never looked back. “Seriously though, you are the best. Just for remembering. No one ever takes time to remember the little things about me.” Continuing to eat her ice cream in silence, she couldn’t help the smile that stayed on her lips.

[escape theory]

> > volunteer firefighter + country boy
All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing.

current heart rate: 124

She was awake. He had been afraid that he had woken her up, aware that the fight here from Chicago was quite a long one. He never thought Illonis was that far from South Carolina until he actually researched it. When she made her grabby hands at him, he passed her the pint and the spoon, glad that he seemed to make her smile. Her smile was enough to make her heart patter and his breath to escape him. He needed to be careful around this girl again. His heart hadn't raced like this in so long besides the pure adrenalin rushes he used to get when he rushed into a burning building. Offering her back a smile, he blinked, feeling her arms wrap around his neck. She was still just as small but it felt like she fit right against him perfectly. Hugging her back, pressing his hand against her back, he let her go when she pulled away. "I've always been the best or did you just forget?" he teased, flopping back in the spot beside her on her bed. He leaned his back against the headboard and let out a small sigh, relaxing back and willing his heart to slow down. Not that it actually worked, not with her so close to him.

It was then did he notice the book sitting on her bed as she munched on her ice cream. Coconut was nasty, he could never get over the fact that she enjoyed the flavor. Leaning over, he picked up the book and flipped aimlessly through the pages. "Maybe I should got to Chicago then. Anywhere that doesn't sell gross coconut." It always amused people when they two of them got together. They were opposities in many different ways that fit perfectly together. She loved sweet things, he loved sour. She loved coconut ice cream, he adored rainbow sherbert. Hearing her statement, he looked over at her and he said in a soft tone, "You're a very hard woman to forget, little bit."

He watched as a piece of paper fluttered from the book he was flipping through, landing in his lap. Curious, he picked it up and set the book aside. Unfolding it, he knew what it was. They always folded their notes in the strangest ways but he managed to open it and knew that it had to be one of their funnier notes. He had notes tucked in a box at his house along with other things that she had left behind with him. But when he saw the pink ink from her pen underneath his black, he knew what it was. He swallowed hard as his own words taunted him.

Is it okay if I say that I love you?

It wasn't a playful love, not the kind that they normally encounter. A friendly love. No, this was the kind that people only dreamed of. And he had it. And it was still there, buried in the bottom of his chest in the gaping hole that she left in him. Clearing his throat, he tucked away the note back into the book and said, "I can't believe you kept our silly notes." Sighing, he kicked his boots off to the side and bundled down in her bed. The mattress lovingly curved to his sore back as he rested his head back on one of her pillows. He put the book beside him and dropped his hands on his belly. "Don't get mad at me if I fall asleep. Your bed was always more comfortable than mine." In reality, he knew that the possibility of him passing out from his heart was pretty high at the moment.

[je suis gange]

☇ ☇ You and I were, you and I were fire, fire, fireworks
☇ ☇ I said I'd never miss you
☇ ☇ But I guess you'll never know
☇ ☇ May the bridges I have burned light my way back home


“As if, you would hate it there. There aren’t any open fields unless you go into the outskirts of town and I live in the middle of the city. I can walk out of my apartment and be downtown.” Honestly, she almost wished he would come. Just to see if he would like it and she would love it if he was there. It would make any homesickness she ever got, practically disappear, having long ago placed home in Taylor. Of course, then he had to go and say something that made her heart race a little. “What, you mean you aren’t seeing anyone? I always imagined you would be married by now, you know. But I guess I am kinda glad you aren’t. Means more time for me to hang around with you.” That and it would be extremely awkward to meet a girlfriend of his, with her being his ex and all.


Watching him read the note made her heart race in a completely different way. She didn’t know what he would think about her keeping it for this long, even if she had only found it again just recently. Plus, it brought up old feelings they had pretty much been skirting around this entire time. Then again, maybe it would be good to get it all out in the open. But she knew it wouldn’t come from her. Still, watching him unfold their specially folded note and read her pink print in response to his black print, she couldn’t help but feel nervous. She almost could read each word from her response from memory.

Yes. I love you, too.

She hadn’t meant it in a friend way. Sure, she loved him as a best friend. But this meant more. He had been more than that to her. It had been almost perfect, their relationship. Even if they were opposites, they respected each other and when arguments came, they usually ended with laughs and apologies. Sometimes they even had their moments where they would refuse to talk to each other, too angry to even articulate. But, one thing Emily knew, she loved him. Taylor had been her moon and stars. Distracting herself from those thoughts, knowing nothing good would come from that and all the work she had done to get over him could easily go to naught, she munched on her ice cream some more, frowning at his comment. “They’re important to me. It’s like documenting our entire relationship.” Even if there weren’t notes for every important moment, she still liked having something to prove the moment happened.

Watching him slip down her mattress, relaxing as if it was nap time, she put her lid back onto her ice cream and set it on her night stand. Lying down next to him, she laughed at his comment. “You always did love my bed. I sometimes wondered if you loved it more than me.” She joked, glancing up at the ceiling. Whenever they just wanted to be next to each other and not do anything, they would play with the shapes of the finish on her ceiling, pretending they could find different shapes in it. “You always used to make the bed warm. I didn’t even need more than one blanket most of the time because of you. It was a weird adjustment to make when I went to Chicago. I had to learn how to sleep with more than one.” And not wake up in the middle of the night, reaching out for the space she thought he was in, only to not find him there and then remember that she had left. “But I won’t get mad. It’ll be like old times, like all the sleepovers we used to have.”