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Music is the spoken word of the heart as every note chimes its tune of emotions whisking in the air. “Why can’t you just listen to me?” The anger, the disappointment, the grief: They all strummed a cord along each syllable coiling a string of lethality around his ear. It’s barbed wire dripped in an acid searing through his brittle bones, but never had he warned himself back when the warmth of palms pressed against his cheek and lifted his gaze away from the phone. “You heard Yeongsu. He wants you to rest. You’ll go home and-” Kazuma and Ryo flinched at the sudden twist of Jin’s head whipping away from Jun’s gentle grasp and it was a miracle how the ticking time bomb held the patience for no one, but the man who slowly rose from where he sat. “You’re not disappointing anyone, you hear me?”
“Jun’s right. All that matters now is that you’re alright. So don’t worry about anything.”
“You’ll only upset lil’ Jun more if you stay.” A look of mild surprise quirked everyone’s brow because the imp surely wasn’t the type to care all that much for anyone but himself. The concerns could go through one ear and out the other, but for some reason, Jun was a special case. Like a symphony, their concerns compounded into an orchestra of lies and without no other choice but to exit the room, Jin left the other’s behind to do what he was told. Through the door and out he went, Jin adjusted the face mask he draped over his mouth that morning, his free hand brushing along the wall just in case his fever took a turn for the worse and allowed gravity in taking its course. It was true, Jun never worked himself up about someone’s health over nothing, and with the recent news of H1N1 spreading around Korea like wildfire, there was no doubt in his mind Jun feared for the worse. But it couldn’t be that bad. Jin took his mentality into account and with musical notes and ghostly rhythms thrumming through his head, the severity of such a disease couldn’t be taken into consideration. So with his journal and his write-ups in hand, Jin looked over his shoulder to see none other than his stalker. Jun, who was trailing behind him all this time, had suddenly began putting up a front for the imposing Yuhan discussing about the usual. To the other’s dismay, Jin had no choice but to stop and get the conversation over with, but that thankfully bought Jin enough time for a quick getaway.
There was no way he was leaving this building until the song was written and finished to his and everyone’s liking. It was his duty as an Al[tria] member to get things done without excuses getting in the way of his work, his ambitions and especially Yeongsu’s expectations. With twist and turns, Jin bee-lined his way into an empty recording studio where he usually frequented when composing songs back-up dancers and the like depended on to get their part of the job practiced as flawless as humanely possible. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.” He muttered under the solemn breath confounded with a tone of remorse and fear clinging to his chest. Yeongsu had so much high hopes in himself and everyone around him that it made failure obsolete in the minds of those bequeathed by success. Jin wanted to make him proud, make him smile, and accept that accepting hand upon his own shoulder whenever Jin went above and beyond the other’s expectations. To him, its what brought people to stay - what brought people like Yeongsu to keep his faith in him so walking out on his life never became an option. It was the reason why he stayed as far away from others as possible, for that fear of being alone was heartbreaking upon the one that couldn’t stand the silence of it all.
From between the binding of his journal, Jin retrieved an incomplete instrumental he worked on for days on end and played it on a loop through the studio speakers. When surrounded by the beats of his own heart, things were at peace and the world seemed to be filled with hope that possibly, there was someone out there looking after him. They may have not been there at the moment, but being alone never felt so distant when music played and sat him on the floor as notes and lyrics scribbled down for a song Yeongsu could be so proud of when he returned.
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"He's sick?" Soyoung repeated to one of his friendly competitors, Rae. "Yeah he's apparently been coughing up his lungs and all I heard when I was around them was Jun screaming at him to go home and rest. Sucks. Our final round of auditions are tomorrow and I was hoping all the members would be there to watch. Jin seems pretty chill. But Jun and Yeongsu scare the hell out of me. They look like they judge hard. If Jin can't make it, that's one less forgiving eye on us." Soyoung only halfway listened to Rae's paranoid rambling, but he did notice the last thing he said. "Well, they aren't the official judges. They can just sway the judges' minds if they hate one person or particularly like another..." Soyoung remembered well what Yeongsu had said to him weeks ago, even if he apologized and promised to delegate with fairness. It still freaked him out a bit. "Plus..." Soyoung sighed. "I doubt Jinhwa would actually go and watch." It was a sad truth. Soyoung's heart delighted in the idea that maybe, just maybe Jin would show some form of interest in anything having to do with him, but so far he hadn't. "Even if he wasn't staying at home sick, I'd bet anything he'd hole himself up in a room and practice guitar or work on lyrics." "Why do you say that? How would you know?" 'Because I'm practically his stalker,' would have been an accurate response. But instead, Soyoung responded with, "You haven't noticed?"
It was easy for Rae to shrug things like that off. He could be pretty clueless on top of the fact that Soyoung was comfortable talking with him. Ever since the crazy whirlpool of auditions started, Rae and Soyoung began becoming friends of the sort. But Rae just shrugged, leaning his head back against the wall and crossing the legs that were splayed across the floor. "I guess I never paid attention. But what else is new?" "Yeah you are kind of a space case..." "Well, thanks. Anyway...I wonder if he actually went home, though..." Soyoung's face darted toward his clueless friend. "You mean he didn't leave yet?" "Like I said: I don't know. He was still here when I saw Jun yelling at him, ya know, so..." Well hell! Soyoung was sitting there that entire time under the assumption that Jin had already left to rest! He had been wasting precious time, all thanks to his space case friend. He got up from the floor they sat upon and began walking away. "Where are you off to in a hurry?" Soyoung didn't stop walking but slightly looked back over his shoulder as he made his way to the door. "I'll make it back in time for practice. I just gotta do something real quick."
And by "do something", he meant dart down the hall to the room where Al[tria] should be situated. He looked in the window and there he was: a sickly Jin coughing as Jun blabbered about something, most likely telling him to go home. Jin just shook his head in calm refusal but the very image of him suffocated Soyoung's heart. It was enough that he had a hardcore crush on him, but now Jin was looking pale and miserable. He could only think to himself that there must be something, anything he can do. The trainee was constantly looking for ways to make himself stand out to Jin, and this was a chance. He hated using Jin's ill state as a ploy for getting him to remember his existence, but when opportunity arisen, there was no reason to pass it up. Plus, the idea of Jin in pain of any sort tugged directly at Soyoung's heart. As quickly as he could without running, he left the building to find a nearby Japanese convenient store where he quickly bought some cherry cough drops. And as if the heavens opened up specifically for him, he spotted a Starbucks across the street. He went there to buy a large hot tea mixed with honey and grabbed a few sugar packets.
Once he returned, he saw in the window that Jin was gone. 'Damn my ******** luck...' He sighed, standing uselessly there with a bag of cough drops and a cupful of tea. He figured Jin must have finally gone home. Which, in the long run, Soyoung was very happy to know he was going to take care of himself and rest but he had just wished his Rae would have said things a few minutes sooner because maybe then Soyoung would have been able to give Jin his things before he left. Disheartened eyes looked up for a trashcan but that was when he saw none other than Jin turn the corner of the hall. As if it never slowed in the first place, Soyoung's heart raced at realizing his chance for some form of communication with the male. But yet, he didn't want to look like a loser running after him like some dorky school kid. So just like before, he walked as fast as he could without running, turning corners to see Jin turning another corner but after a bit of time passed, he realized he didn't need to be so hasty. He knew exactly where Jin was going. In fact, he felt silly for not thinking of it sooner. He was going to the recording studio he often went to when working alone. As Jin's number one stalker, Soyoung should have known better. So he slowed his steps, glad that he wouldn't be out of breath by the time he got there.
Once he walked up to the door, he paused away from the door window to try to calm his nerves. He was still at that secret admirer's stage where being within 20 feet of the person of interest made his fingers shake and his breathing a bit more fluttery than what was healthy. But that was something that made Soyoung different from the typical shy boy: He might be scared shitless, and he might talk with little to no confidence, but by god he would force himself to do something if he really wanted to. And when it came to Jin, he really wanted to do anything that would make Jin think for a second "Oh it's Soyoung." And maybe over time, he'd say think "Soyoung's a cool person. I enjoy his company." Then maybe that would lead to "I miss Soyoung. I should give him a call." And so the out-of-character hopes for something to evolve spinned in Soyoung's mind as it often did, imagining that tthis could happen when it never would. Or that this would be said when such words would never be uttered. But still, Soyoung had the determination of a dog chasing it's tail.
After taking a large, deep breath, Soyoung knocked lightly upon the wood door. He could see in the male was engrossed in whatever music was playing and stifled by the sound-proof door, so he took it upon himself to cautiously let himself in. He walked through slowly with slightly widened eyes of nerves hearing the music now that sent a wave of impression to him. It sounded really good, whatever Jin was working on. Soyoung had no idea of whether this was something Jin wrote all himself or if he wrote with the others, but it was great, regardless. But the attention was brought on him and the music was turned down to a low hum by the masked male at the other end of the room. That was when it was time to speak up and those familiar jitters returned to him, but he did his very best to hide them. "Wow...That sounds awesome," he said softly, eyes not able to meet Jin's for longer than a couple seconds. "Oh um...Sorry to interrupt...I just...heard you were sick and since you refuse to leave..." That's right. Make it sound like you knew he wasn't leaving. "I figured you would need something to make the hours less miserable...So uhh...I got you some cough drops and tea."
He knelt down to the floor and sat for a moment as he placed the two items next to Jin. "You don't have to use them if they're flavors you don't like...Oh and the tea's still hot...I put some honey in it because it's good for your throat. Oh!" Slightly shaky fingers reached into his hoodie pocket and brought out a handful of sugar packets that he set next to the large cup of tea. "I don't know how much sugar you like so I didn't put any in yet..." His eyes wandered on the floor for a moment in his awkwardness before he leaned forward to push himself up and stand. "Oh but I won't bother you any longer. I know you're working. Just...take care of yourself, okay? Everyone wants you to get better so uhh...don't overwork yourself. I swear: that tea will make you feel a million times better! It's what I use when I'm sick." He began taking slow steps backward. "I'll uhh...see you later." 'God I look like such a creeper!!' He thought as he turned around to make it to the door. 'Who am I kidding? I AM a creeper!'
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Yeongsu once asked him of his own personal Utopia where life itself seemed so out of reach that peace and tranquility only remained. He word it so eloquently that it took Jin a while for him to fully understand what a Utopia really comprised of. Was it a place? A state of mind? Or a reminder of something special that made him feel at ease? He wasn’t sure, but when tranquility and peace twined with exceptional happiness, there was only one thing that made life and his restless mind so much more easier to bare. Louder and louder the tune rung in his ear like a lullaby cradling him in that never-ending bliss Yeongsu referred to as his Utopia.
Jin was looking for someone and that someone was looking for him.
He felt it at the very pit of his stomach where acids churned and bellowed within the depth of his chest where his heart strummed in the same wave frequencies a guitar usually held when fingers ran along its strings. Though, as soon as he tried to remember - as soon as he felt the need to reach out for the hand that always lent out for his anxious grasp to take, his reverie blurred into that same oblivion where distractions were had and the music inevitably turned down by the intruder before him.
He looked familiar no doubt.
But what was more than recognizable than his face, was the tone of his voice that instantly registered him as that one guy listed in his phone. Dead eyes stared blankly at the male stuttering up a storm that brought with it a bolt of confusion upon feverish hues a bit watered from the constant rubbing he applied throughout the morning. ‘Why is he talking to me?’ Unless it was an official, his manager or his band mates, there was no reason for anyone else to bother him the way Soyoung did. Sure, the boy did it before, but Jin assumed it was out of pure coincidence that they met and he asked for his number in the most strangest ways he ever encountered before. Strange because for one thing, no one had the patience to talk to him with responses limited with the simple shake of his head. Jin never knew what was going on in the other’s head for Jin to think he was remotely interested in speaking, but it wasn’t as if he made the effort to leave that day or right now once the dancer crouched down and set the offers in front of him. The redolent smell of fresh herbs wafted in the air. Its strong essence found its way through the crevasses exposed in his mask, but for some reason, the smell itself eased his mind. He looked down at the cup for a long while until Soyoung meekly uttered his farewells and left him alone once more.
Jin rounded his fingers along the lid of his drink, remembering how his mother use to always hold him so tightly as each sip of his tea soothed the aches reverberating through his soul. A nice memory one would assume, but as soon as Jin gathered all his belongs, which also included the cup of tea and cough drops in hand, he exited the studio and made his way to the nearest trashcan where he dumped the accursed drink without a single sip. It wasn’t personal on Soyoung’s behalf nor was there any sign of resentment etched upon brows that remained as placid as they usually were. But it was just something about the reminder that made him tick with discomfort when all he wanted to experience was the peace and tranquility his Utopia held within the confines of musical notes sifting through the air.
His desires laid in the studio where he belonged, but first thing was first: he needed to get outside. Jin retraced Soyoung’s tracks as best as he could, seeing that he had little to no knowledge where the other must have gone to bought all that stuff for him. There was a starbucks across the street, that was a start, but once he went inside to get what he ventured in there for, Jin dreary eyes wondered through the busy streets. He hoped to find his next destination and as a small shop met his eye, Jin hazily crossed the street where horns blared by oncoming traffic that nearly hit the poor boy in his little blur of the world that was already hard enough to get through, what with the fever burning his sense like crazy. But he got there nonetheless, searching through isles before returning back from whence he came once his objectives were done and over with.
From the looks of it, Auditions were still underway with the usually choreography being assigned as expectations were on the rise for it all to be learned in two days. Perfected, precise and presentable: they all had to hit the mark in a short amount of time and such tactics (suggested by Yeongsu himself) were what made getting into the group that much harder as it weeded out the deadweights who would have otherwise held Al[tria] back. “Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Mr. Jin has been a very bad boy. What are you doing here? I thought Jun-baby sent you home?” Ryo looked up at him with a smile, leaning back against the wall where he had took his time hunting for his new prey amongst the herd of men stretching and the sort, as they prepared for practice. Jin said nothing as he expected, and Ryo merely watched the male cross the room toward a certain lanky fellow Jin had surprisingly took by the wrist. Ryo wasn’t sure what was going on or why the sudden interest in that particular dancer, but it surely brought some form of amusement when the palm of Soyoung’s hand turned toward the ceiling. ‘Thank you’, Jin should have said, but instead the silence continued as money filled the other’s hand with the exact change a cup of tea as well as cough drops had cost when he went back to check each store for their price. “There you are you little s**t.” Jun tried so hard to suppress his anger, but the blond was worried as ******** looking everywhere for him. At this point, holding it in was beyond his limitations. “I told you to go home, didn’t I?” Jin’s hand that grappled and yet softly held the dancer’s wrist, was suddenly pried with a furious pull attracting quite a lot of attention. Jin didn’t seem to mind though since he was use to Jun’s protective behavior as the boy dragged him across the room. And he really thought they would’ve escaped the practice room long ago if it weren’t for one of the directors waving Jun over.
With their leader away, it seem the blonde became the second-in-command over night. Everyone wanted his clearance for the most littlest things that it pissed him off to the highest degree. But it was his job and there was nothing he could say in a surmount of curses to get him out of it. “You!” Jun said sternly, pointing right at Soyoung with eyes dripping in venom. “No matter what he does, make sure he gets home…or else.” The fuming boy walked off, intentionally cutting himself short for Soyoung to fill in the gaps of his early resignation if he found the guitarist roaming the halls again.
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'Creeper, creeper, creeper, creeper,' Soyoung chanted in his head all the way back to the practice room where Rae was still sitting on the floor and fiddling with his iphone. A few more auditioners had arrived since then, gathered near him and chit chatting a bit. Soyoung just resumed his previous seat next to him wanting the world to swallow him whole. Jin didn't so much as say thank you. It wasn't like Soyoung thought Jin owed him one, but the fact that he didn't say anything at all really discouraged him a lot. He couldn't help but to wonder how weirded out Jin was by him and if he annoyed him. "Oh hey, you're back," Rae said as he sifted through applications on his phone. "Where'd you go?" "You barely pay attention to most things but yet you care about where I went?" Soyoung was still embarrassed to admit he like Jin and to tell Rae he went to get cough drops and tea for him, it'd be too obvious. Rae shrugged. "I was bored and you were gone for a while. No one to talk to and so I had to resort to the crappy games I have on this thing." He gestured to his phone. "Well sorrrry~ I just went to get something to eat real quick. I was kind of hungry." Rae kept quiet even though he felt tempted to complain that Soyoung didn't invite him along instead of leaving him bored and by himself. It was only about five minutes ago that the other auditioners came to talk to him but even then, he found them to be less enjoyable than his friend Soyoung, who seemed less interested in a friendship than he.
The time passed of talk about this and that, Rae showing Soyoung his rather extensive list of songs and artists on his iphone, and discussing music. It was enough to make the time fly until the clock was nearing that next hour and all the dancers went ahead to begin stretching. Toe touches here, neck rolls there, and the usual. Eventually some of the Al[tria] members made it in the room but Soyoung didn't even look to see if Jin would have entered. He figured he'd have little to no interest in the practice that was about to take place and he'd remain holed up in that studio. It hurt Soyoung's feelings because such an emotion was inevitable when he had a hopeless crush, but he knew he had to void his mind of it for now because he had a goal: Do well at this practice and then kick a** tomorrow and make it into the dance crew so that you will have plenty of opportunities to see Jin. If that fails, it's all wasted. But he had to remind himself that such a thing wasn't true. This audition was a good experience for him, even if he doesn't make it. And he'd be even more prepared for future try-outs. He didn't get in the business for Jin, he got in it for his own self. It was just that after seeing Jin that first day, he couldn't help but to fall head over hills for the guy.
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It was his second day as a trainee and he was walking the halls of SM's building with Rae, simply trying to learn where everything was so that they wouldn't be those annoying, clueless newbs running around asking where certain rooms were. It was when he heard the sound of an electric guitar reverberating softly through the door he had just passed that he had to stop and look in the window. There Jin sat with his guitar and a mini-amp, fingers gliding out an intricate riff that he made look easy. Being that Soyoung had been taking guitar lessons for nearly two years, he had an instant interest in the male playing the instrument at a level he hoped to get to someday. But Soyoung never had the money for an electric one and was always stuck with his cheap acoustic he found by complete chance in a thrift store. Rae paused to peer in the window with him. "Oh I know who that guy is. He's one of the people selected for that upcoming group Al[tria]. Pretty impressive isn't he? He was one of the people first chosen because of his guitar skills. Apparently this group is going to be one of SM's first really experimental groups, to see where it can take the company. Have you heard about it all? It really goes against the usual SM formula."
Soyoung was a little spacey, listening to Rae's rambling while also watching the fingers dance around on the neck of a guitar. "Yeah I've heard a bit about the group...that's really cool that he'll be in it...What's his name?" Rae was not interested in the guitarist for the same reason Soyoung might have been, and so he started taking those steps forward to continue their self-guided tour of the building. But what Soyoung saw walking away was information. And so even though he wanted to hang around and continue listening to the music through the door, he followed Rae anyway so as to have his questions answered. "Something- Jinhwa...I can't remember his surname. But everyone just calls him Jin, though." "Oh. Well if he's going to be in a group, he must have more specialties than guitar, right? Does he rap? Sing?" Rae shrugged with a look of sheer disinterest. "I don't know. I just know what I heard girls giggling about nearby the other day. It was really annoying so I just walked away." Rae couldn't help but to feel that man's pride ache with jealousy when he heard girls getting excited over another male. And even though Soyoung was also a guy, who he had assumed was straight due to his utter cluelessness, it still annoyed him to talk too much about someone who was apparently far more fascinating than his own self. "Hey look! A vending machine. I got a couple dollars. You want something?"
A couple days later, Soyoung was walking to SMent to make it there for some training sessions. He hadn't completely forgotten about Jinhwa, but he had not yet grown the kind of crush he would soon enough develop in time. After all, there wasn't much to go on when all you did was see the guy play guitar and hear him play it well. He was walking nearby the mini garden area that resided right next to the building that SM employees often retreated to during breaks or when waiting for sessions to start. The sound of softly played guitar alerted his ears as he instinctively turned to look for the source of the sound. There on a bench sat the enigmatic Jinhwa with his electric guitar and mini-amp, turned down low in volume so as to not disturb anyone. Soyoung couldn't help but to notice that the male looked like he was in his very own world. Like if Soyoung were to intrude, he'd trample upon some kind of purity. So he just stood there at a 90 degree angle from the bench, listening because he couldn't help but to want to hear it. As he took the time to listen, it was then that Soyoung actually made the acknowledgement of the handsome features the guitarist was ordained with. He couldn't help but wonder and to want to know what it was that went on in the male's head as he played the impressive music created from his fingers.
He didn't know what it was, but he felt that pull in his heart that made him want to know this person. Perhaps it was only Soyoung's subconscious simply attracted to the good looking male, but it truly felt a bit deeper than that. But yet again, Soyoung was what they call a "hopeless romantic" and so his head was often filled with fluffy ideals. They already had a few things in common: they both played guitar (although Soyoung was significantly less advanced than Jin), they were both employed by SM, they both kind of kept to themselves...It was something to work off of, wasn't it? Perhaps they had these similarities due to compatibility? What if many similar interests were what made them both the way they are and they could hit it off? It was always a bad idea to force any form of relationships on people, whether it be friendship or more, but such a thing usually didn't deter the determined boy who stood there sheepishly listening. He just wanted to know this guy and he couldn't place why. But his reverie was brought to a halt when music was no longer sifting through the air. Jinhwa had stopped playing for a moment. Soyoung couldn't tell quite why. Perhaps he stopped to rest his fingers, or perhaps just to think. But his feet were already moving him forward without the mental command of his brain. it was his opportunity to speak to this guy without interrupting his playing and Soyoung's body was quicker to act than his very own mind.
Nerves hitched, and chest fluttered in the usual nervousness one felt in such a situation but bravery usually foolishly overpowered the boy. "That was really impressive," he blurted out softly. He fiddled with his crossed fingers as toes tapped at a fast tempo inside of his shoes. "You're Jinhwa-sunbae, right? Congratulations on making it into Al[tria]. I can definitely see why they chose you." Jin was a man of few words, Soyoung was quickly learning. But he sat down for a moment next to him on the bench. "I'm Gam Soyoung," he said with a bow of his head. "I uhh... I hate to bother you and I won't stick around for long, I just...well, I've been learning guitar for two years and I just wanted to tell you I hope I can be half as good as you someday..." Why couldn't eloquent words flow from his mouth? Why couldn't he say something that sounded more interesting than waving a flag that reads "I'm an amateur guitarist har harrr"? "Oh hey! Umm...would you...would you mind if we exchanged numbers? Maybe I could, ya know...come to you if I need tips in advancing? Or...something..." Jinhwa didn't seem particularly interested but yet he showed no sign of repulsion to the idea. And so since he nodded in agreement, nonchalantly taking out his phone for Soyoung to take, the boy carefully took it within his hands and put his number in Jin's phone. He didn't want to bother Jin with asking him for his number and so he did it the easy way by calling his own cell on Jin's phone so he could later save the unfamiliar number.
"Thanks a lot," he said with the brightest smile he could muster in his nervous state. "Maybe I'll see you around?" And with that, he left.
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"I don't really get it. I mean she sounded interested at first and now that I'm trying to set up a date with her, it's always ' *cough cough* I'm sick' or 'Sorry, I have to [insert reason here] that day.' And so I'm like...she was the one flirting with me but now she keeps coming up with excuses not to go on a date. It makes me wonder if she really has real excuses and is interested or if she all of a sudden lost interest and can't work up the guts to straight-up tell me." The two buddies stood in a conversation Soyoung was only half-interested in while they bent, and pulled, and lifted different limbs in physical preparation. "She might just be a flirter. Ya know, one of those people that flirt and flirt for the fun of it without any intention of anything coming from it." Soyoung knew a certain diva idol like that. "You think I should confront her about it? I mean I won't be a d**k. I'll be nice when I ask her but do you think that's a bad idea?" Soyoung sighed. He didn't know and he couldn't help but wonder why Rae was asking him for his opinion. Soyoung very obviously didn't know much about girls. He straightened and paused for a moment to think. "I don't know. I guess it depends on the type of g-"
He stopped talking as soon as he felt gravity leave his hand as it was lifted upward. He turned to look and his heart froze on the very spot to see none other than a masked Jinhwa touching his hand. Did he die and go to heaven? Why on Earth was Jinhwa touching him? Did he come to thank him? But in no time at all, the money was placed in Soyoung's upturned palm and he blinked down at the paper and coins. It took him a moment to register it all and he couldn't understand why Jinhwa would give him money. Did he hope he'd go buy him some more cough drops and tea? Because if he asked that of him, Soyoung surely would chance being late for a practice just to do exactly that. But Jun came out of nowhere to snatch Jin's hand straight away from him and instantly began his tyrannous yelling. And just like that, Jun was leading Jin to the room's exit until he was stopped by a director. Soyoung blinked and flinched a bit when the assertively called out "you" was spat as a finger pointed straight in his direction. Make sure he gets home, or else. Simple enough directions but it all happened so fast that he stood there in dumbfoundedness for a moment as Jun stomped off the other direction.
'Wait...lemme get this straight...' he thought as he cleared his head briefly. 'I have to bring Jin home...or I get eliminated from the auditions. That gives me no choice.' Most people would sigh begrudgingly at the fact that instead of rehearsing for the last time with the actual Al[tria] members before the big audition. But Soyoung felt no such negative emotion. It was like whatever divine being that controlled their world was giving Soyoung a direct opportunity to him to get to know Jinhwa a little better. Soyoung couldn't think bad things about Jun in a situation like that. "Jun?" Kazuma interjected casually. "This is his last official practice before the finals. Don't make him miss half or more of it." "It's fine," Soyoung assured. "I know the dance backwards and forwards." He spoke with surprising confidence despite his soft demeanor. If he had to, he'd practice by his own self later that day in an empty practice room. Even if it caused him to take up more of his day, he'd take such a chance to be around Jin without a single sigh of frustration. As Soyoung stepped away, Rae looked on in annoyance that the boy didn't even take a moment to say bye.
He made his way out of the room with Jinhwa and as soon as they were alone in the hall together, the nerves hit him like they always did. "Sorry..." he said uneasily as they walked side by side. "I know you're a full-grown guy with the ability to take your own self home, but...I mean...if Jun's threatening my chances at making it, then I guess I need to do what he says, right?" He chuckled softly and airily. Suddenly he remembered the money in his hand. "Oh! So...what's this for? Did you need me to get you some cough syrup or something? There is a drug store on the way to the bus stop, if we need to get something from there." No taxis would be had by the Soyoung who really did not have much money at the moment until his next paycheck, and he wasn't about to ask Jin to pay for one. That would be so rude. And so to the bus stop they would go. But first, Soyoung would make any time needed to get whatever it was Jin was hoping he would to make him feel better.
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He never knew what games were really all about or what they brought out in the people who unwillingly played them; but what Jin believed, resided at its very core, was a sense of character relayed in each method adorned by fate. It was another thing Yeongsu talked about quite often when they were alone as the man’s thoughts ran like the wind unable to control the torrent of death eating him alive. Figurative speech it might have been, to compare death with the troubles in Yeongsu’s life Jin usually listened to whenever he needed someone who wouldn’t pass judgment on him so quickly. But what of himself? Who was going to be there for him when he needed those aiding eyes that would read his problems tucked away in his journal and tell him all the things he longed to hear? Everyone had their stories: Jin, Kazuma, Ryo, Jun, and especially Yeongsu. They all had something to hide like the rest of the world, but it was their problems, their predicaments, and their misfortunes that brought them together as one band who would help each other in the end.
Or that was what Jinhwa wanted to believe.
All secrets are deep, all secrets become dark, that’s in the nature of secrets as those secrets wither in a silence Jin entrusted upon himself. He thought talking about things caused more harm than good because the severity of his problems were at one with each other in a battle Jin couldn’t quite figure out. No one ever bothered to talk to him and it was exactly what he wanted. It made forgetting so much easier as the effort to speak suppressed all the emotions strung between the syllables of each word representing a world that was heartless from the very beginning. When he wasn’t playing his role as the person that got him into SM to begin with, those who were observant and those who caught on to Jin’s passive demeanor hardly ever summoned up the courage to talk to him. It was okay. He didn’t mind because he had Jun and after that he had Yeongsu, which brought him amongst the others that now watched over him. However, there was one that was carefully coming into the circle where Soyoung didn’t belong. Like anyone else with his level of caution, Jin was skeptical. At first, it was nothing more than an exchange of numbers he never agreed to, yet Jin managed to let it slide with a simple shrug of his shoulders as he allowed the other to do as he please. This little exchange of words wasn’t going to last long, he told himself, but now something was really going on.
It was something that bothered him, something that flipped a switch of awareness and something that made him all the more cautious whenever Soyoung was near. He didn’t know what that something was or why he should even care, but it was there, walking right beside him and talking as if expecting a response. Well, of course, he needed to respond, but couldn’t it be done with a shake of his head? Maybe a nod or a grunt perhaps. He was delving into the caveman’s era with this one, and if he could turn back time, that’s where he wanted to be. Although, this was anything but prehistoric times, and Jin was forced to part those lips that rarely ever said a word in the undeserving presence of others. “I can’t take myself home.” His breath was hot against the layer of white meshed over his face, a few coughs in between scrambling his words as understanding became a difficult task for the one interpreting him. “I trouble people who can deal with me more than others.” In other words, Soyoung wasn’t the type Jin usually depended on. “I don’t want to be a bother to you.” He said with eyes attempting to catch the other’s fidgeting gaze. “But, thank you.”
And it was all he was going to say.
The inquiry Soyoung asked went straight out the window because for all he cared, the boy could do as he pleased and leave him alone for the chance of another escape. But Jun spat out his threats and the shackles remained with the one trotting patiently beside him as they exited the building. With his head feverish, his muscles straining with aches and pains as well as the occasional coughs scratching at his throat, there wasn’t much Jin provided, conversation wise. He just fell silent as he usually did, allowing the other to talk about what ever he wanted to speak out because even if he wasn’t much of a talker himself, he enjoyed listening in on the voices that reminded him he wasn’t alone. Vocals were the cords accentuated in a tune that brought out a repertoire full of life. Music was all around us and all we had to do was listen: the saying felt close at heart and molded into a whole other meaning that defined every part of him dedicated to not only his work, but also himself. Jin’s sense of hearing was favored amongst the rest no doubt, but even then it played as his downfall in the end as voices also became the reminder of something ominous lurking under the shade of black. ‘I want to go home. Can’t we go home? Please?’ He was so young back then, his small hand clinging like a child was expected to do when he felt at odds with the world around him. ‘I’m scared. I want to go home. Umma, where are you?’ The strength of a child could only go so far. He held on tightly, daring to never let go, for fear itself gave him all the hope he could ever ask for. But who did he hold on to? Who did his fingers wrap around so gentle when he needed someone that would never let him go?
Who?
Jin and Soyoung were situated in front of the bus stop, his feet rooted to the floor as stepping closer became a difficult task in itself for him to take. Jin blankly stared - he stared at that familiar bench for so long, he wasn’t even sure why his hand clung upon Soyoung’s wrist in a firmness that ensured he would never let go, and yet took on a kindness that always lingered in his heart. It didn’t mean anything. He thought he was grappling upon the one who was always there for him and the one who helped him along the path of unjust query. But who was he to say that it didn’t matter? He felt the same, didn’t he? He felt weary and confused, uncertain and lost in an area that thudded his heart into overdrive as he took one step back. Never had he made any sudden movements after that and his eyes did the same as they showed no trace of the anxiety that evidently streamed the adrenaline through his veins. Jin rose an arm toward incoming traffic in hopes to call a cab, which thankfully pulled along the curb moments later where Jin went in and tugged Soyoung along with him. After telling the driver of their next destination, the serenity sank in deep within the pours of his entire being calmed by not only the silence of it all, but also the contact between him and the man beside him. It didn’t alarmed him in any way nor was the slight touch able to deter the solemnity scathing charcoal eyes. Dark as they were, his gaze turned and plastered upon his fingers wrapped around Soyoung’s thin wrist that lingered for a long while.
Jin should have removed his hand long ago, but his mind sparked with something so profound, he made gathering his books into his lap first priority as lyrics surged down his arm and trailed through the led pencil quickly jotting them all down. They were little lines, small phrases and probably material insignificant to the song he was currently working on, but the way they all came together made documenting them a fleeting task for future masterpieces to come. All the while, his right hand continued its hold upon the other’s wrist, while the left fervently scribbled until he closed the book back up in a secrecy only Yeongsu’s eyes could bare witness to. Lips were sealed, his eyes half-lidded with a thought that brought a faint smile under the cloth acting as a humidifier warming upturned lips. ‘Yeongsu’s coming back soon.’ He mused in a mixture of delight and relief. In the past 24 hours, there laid not a soul in sight for him to lean on when gravity weighed heavily upon him. And even now, he still felt the reluctance hunching him forward as dark forelocks brushed upon the backrest of the driver’s seat. Fatigue was there - it was always there burrowing its claws through flesh and blood curdling in a rabid mess yearning for that shoulder to lean on wherever it may be.
Where was Jun or Yeongsu when he needed them now more than ever?
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It kind of seemed like something in one of the many romance animes Soyoung watched when he had spare time and internet access. In the animes, something would spark within the one being admired to make him notice his crusher. But this was real life, right? Jinhwa was sick and Soyoung could hear in his voice that talking hurt. And it induced those raspy coughs that sent up a red flag to the boy reminding him he needs to stop fanboying and remember that Jin was ill. The nervous boy's features grew a bit more solemn at the soon-to-be idol's apologies of the sort. "Oh don't worry. It's no problem. Really. Like I said, I know the dance like first grade math. I can almost guarantee you that I've practiced it far more than any of the other guys." Which was sadly true. Sadly true because his reasons for auditioning were not the exact same as the others. You feel more motivated to practice when making it means more chances to be around the one your scopes are glued to. Aside from the typical reasons (being in a music video, being paid to tour around different cities, and doing something you love all the while), Soyoung had a lot of hopes for being chosen. The trainee noticed that Jin never answered the question about the drugstore, feeling a bit confused about it all.
For the most part, he didn't really talk because he didn't want to make Jin feel obligated to respond when his throat was hurting. For a moment, Soyoung thought of suggesting popping in another cough drop but that was when he noticed that from what he could see, it didn't look like Jin had them on him. He didn't think about it too much because over-analysis would do no good in moments that he was already nervous, aside from the fact that he was constantly distracted by different thoughts. They passed the drugstore and Soyoung noticed that Jin showed no interest in it and he didn't want to annoy the guy by being overbearing and pressuring him into getting medicine. But still, the money sat untouched in his pocket and he wondered what in the world Jin gave it to him for, the idea of him paying Soyoung back never crossing his mind. If a thought came, he'd voice it with a closed ending so that Jin felt comfortable in remaining silent but yet that silence that followed always felt so uncomfortable. And the boy was wracking his brain for interesting things to say but nothing ever came.
They were approaching the bus stop when the strangest and most unexpected thing happened and Jinhwa took grasp of Soyoung's wrist. It was instinct to look over to the male who had taken hold of him for the second time that day but Jin just stared blankly forward as if his action was not strange at all. The usual feelings of panic cause Soyoung's heart to reverberate in his chest as if it was about to stop out of over exertion any moment. He had no idea why the male took his wrist and he didn't know the right way to respond to it, which in turn caused him to have the sudden urge to run away and bury his head under something shielding like pillows. But he masked the feelings well as he just slowly looked back forward as if he didn't feel the slightest disturbance by Jinhwa's action. He just prayed to the god that he hoped didn't exist that Jin did not feel the fast pace of his pulse. The only thing Soyoung could gather was that Jin was feeling very sickly indeed and needed something to hold on to? But he wasn't staggering, nor was he looking feint. But whatever Jinhwa needed his wrist for, Soyoung would let him have that. And so he remained silent once more as he saw the bus was arriving. But the sickly male wouldn't have it and raised his hand for a cab, which surprised Soyoung a good bit but he went along with it without question.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he said quietly after they situated in the taxi. "I didn't know you disliked buses..." But still no response, as expected and as discouraging as that was. But still that hand clasped to Soyoung without letting go and the simple fact of that had the opposite affect on the boy than what would have been expected. One would predict that he'd feel excited and happy that such a light physical contact was being made, and so consistently. Nothing could be further from the truth. It didn't matter how strong his infatuation was with Jinhwa, or how much he wanted to get to know him: He wanted so badly to pull his wrist away. It freaked him out for reasons he couldn't quite explain his own self, but it strongly had to do with the fact that such skin-to-skin contact wracked his nerves like crazy and he didn't want to be so embarrassingly obvious to Jinhwa. If he could calm his body, then it would all be fine. But he couldn't help but to mentally note the way Jinhwa's pretty fingers felt and imagining what they would feel like if he switched his hold a bit and entwined his own digits with those. He had watched them beautifully promenade upon the neck of his guitar and the fanboy couldn't help but to comprehend the fact that those very fingers were on his wrist.
Regardless of it all, Soyoung stayed still, letting that hand stay exactly where it was as Jinhwa took out his notebook to write in. Of course Soyoung felt very tempted to look over and read whatever was being written, but he wasn't about to risk pissing his crush off if whatever was being written was private, not to mention it was a rude gesture in the first place. It looked like lyrics, from the form the stanzas were written in and so he just assumed he might later hear what Jin was writing. He was trying to think of things like that instead of trying to figure out Jinhwa's exact reason for holding onto him. It was then that Soyoung had to wonder if he did that because he thought Soyoung needed it...like he'd get lost or something. The thought was horrid and sent a feeling of dread to the pit of his stomach. The last thing the boy wanted was for Jinhwa to believe Soyoung was incompetent and needed to be guided like a child. 'Stop thinking about it!' He was doing himself no favors in dwelling on the matter that he was blowing out of proportion completely.
They were nearing their destination of the Al[tria] apartment around the time that Jin had leaned to put his head against the back of the driver's seat. It alarmed Soyoung for some reason and the boy straightened with eyes that looked intently at the sickly male. "You okay?! Do you feel feint or something?" In moments like that, the nerves of a crush disappeared completely. The moments were serious and he wasn't about to let his infatuation get in the way of making sure this guy was okay. The movement of the cab stopped and Soyoung looked out the window to see that they were indeed right in front of the destined apartment complex. Soyoung went to dig money out of his pocket but Jinhwa had paid before him and so he accepted such a gesture because truth be told, he didn't have money and was being a little silly in buying about $6 worth of stuff for Jinhwa when he still needed to worry about food money, bus fair, and emergency money until his next paycheck. Starbucks was not cheap, especially if you bought a large size of whatever you got. But Soyoung could be a bit impulsive when he had a crush, it was true.
Soyoung was on the side closest to the apartment and so he opened the door and scooted to the end. Since there was ongoing traffic on Jin's side, without thinking, he slid his wrist away to take Jin's and gently guide him out of the taxi. "Thanks, sir," Soyoung said to the cab driver as Jin scooted out of the door. It was just habit to thank everyone even if the driver was simply doing his job and taking your money. The man seemed to appreciate it, however. "No problem, kid. You two have a nice day." "You too, sir." Soyoung closed the door behind Jin and then instantly look at the guy who must have felt so bad. Still holding onto Jin's wrist, they began walking toward and into the complex. "You sure you don't want to go to the hospital?" It didn't seem like Jin liked that idea. "If you ever change your mind, let me know." It was the best Soyoung could offer. "I know what it's like to not have someone to take you to the hospital when you're sick and you feel like you could pass out on the way there. So I mean...you have my number. You can give me a call if none of your bandmates are around at the time." Well, at least he wasn't stuttering anymore. Perhaps it was the emotion of concern calming him a little more, distracting his thoughts from the boyish crush he had and the kind of nervous behavior it would normally cause him.
He mainly just followed Jin's direction to their section of the complex and once they made it inside, he was a bit surprised to see how small it was. This was SM, after all, but he supposed that the apartments don't get bigger until the group gets more money rolling in. Soyoung didn't plan on staying long because he wasn't about to impose and make Jin feel uncomfortable. After all, he had no right to just hang around. Make sure Jin was comfrotable, had everything he needed, and leave him alone to sleep: that was his plan. Soyoung released Jin's wrist to let him retreat to his bedroom that Soyoung saw was shared with two other bandmates. And yet he thought things were a slight bit suffocating just sharing a small hotel room with Rae! The idea of having to share such a small space with two other people seemed dreadful. And given the circumstances, Soyoung couldn't help but to worry that whoever he shared the room with would catch Jinhwa's sickness. But he knew such troublesome thoughts must have already been cursing Jin's mind and so he didn't speak a word of it. "Do you have everything you n-"
Soyoung's cell phone began ringing, the sound of Emppu's outro guitar solo in Gethsemane by Nightwish. Ever since the boy took interest in the guitar those two years ago, he extended his musical knowledge in different guitarists that he grew to greatly admire, leaking into little things like his cell phone ringtones and things of the sort. He felt a bit annoyed that of all times, someone had to call him now and he was tempted to press the "ignore" button, but he glanced at his phone. It was Rae calling him for some reason and he felt that he might as well answer it. "Yoboseyo," he said a bit monotonously. "Hey dude. Jun let us take five. Are you gonna make it for the rest of the practice?" Soyoung walked out into the hall and into the main area. "I don't know. Probably not. I mean, by the time I make it back with this Japanese traffic, I'd probably only make it to the last five minutes. So I'll probably just go back and rehearse on my own." "Okay that's what I was calling about. I know you're going to laugh at me but...I'm kind of...like...a germaphobe? And I think you should probably go straight to the hotel and shower and put your clothes in a tied bag. No offense to you or good ol' Jin, but none of us can afford to get sick, ya know? And I know that's an inconvenience on you, but it's better to be inconvenienced than to be sick, ya know? If you're carrying the germs on you or your clothes, it could spread in our room and-" "I get it, I get it. Yeah I'll do that." The last thing he needed was Rae bugging him a ton if he or Rae catch whatever this is with "I told ya so". After all, their hotel was conveniently close to the apartments. "But I'll let you go for now, okay?" "Alright, dude. Peace." "Bye."
He hung up and made his way back to the bedroom's open doorframe, peering in cautiously as a hand lifted to lean on the structure. "Anyway," he said with a soft sigh. "Do you have everything you need? If you want, I can keep the money you gave on me so I can pick up whatever you want. Like medicine or something. I promise I wouldn't spend it on anything else. Or I can give it back to you. Just call me whenever you think of something, okay?" Nervousness was beginning to creep its way into his fingers that started tapping away at his thigh. "But in the meantime, I'll leave you alone so you can sleep. And seriously, Jinhwa-hyung: do sleep. I bet you have the urge to get out your notes and keep working but...I just really hope you'll let yourself get some rest. Your body needs it. I know SM has been working the five of you to your bones. You won't get better without rest so just...think about that?" The other hand began tapping lightly at the frame it rested upon, his fingers becoming little dancers on their designated stages of thigh and wood. His eyes looked down and traveled across the floor in thought of whatever else he should say before he left. But didn't he say enough? If he kept rambling, wouldn't he further aggravate the male who was probably getting a headache at the sound of his voice? "So yeah, if that's all I can do for you, I guess I'll leave you be now." He wondered how long the other Al[tria] members would hang out working at the studio after the practice with the other auditioners? How long was Jin going to be stuck by himself. He was tempted to suggest to Jin that he hang out at their apartment until the others get back. A sick person all by their self with no one to tend to them is a depressing situation to be in and he knew that from personal experience. Couldn't he just quietly watch tv in the main area until the other members returned? But wouldn't that annoy Jinhwa? What if he wanted solitude? After all, Soyoung knew Jin preferred solitude over all else, it seemed.
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Decisions are the foundation of life as it paves the road to redemption of not only one‘s self, but also the people around him.
Living is a journey, a certain hardship one could never deny, and through the ambivalent emotions establishing a better and stronger self, there remains a different kind of person reflected upon the looking glass of their soul. What to do? What to think? Or better yet, what should a person, succumbed by silence, could ever convey when words are spoken in whispers left unheard. ‘I want to go home’ But what could a home really provide? A happy family perhaps? Or maybe a structure of kinship confounded with exceptional traits so out of reach, there’s that undying need to grasp it with all your might as confidence, reliability, maturity, trust and modesty are simply forgotten through the limelight of our days. There’s that need to change - to make a decision toward a path unlike one has ever ventured in before. However, through it all, the real question remains: Which way should he go?
To the left, when there is nothing right?
or
To the right, when there is nothing left?
Jin contemplated upon his choices, dabbled upon the many possibilities that could come about, and in the end of it all, there was nothing left for him to do because neither of them contained the right answer. They all led to his impeding doom and when choices are simply unreachable, the only thing he could do was stand along the threshold where making a decision became a stagnant feat detained by the world around him. The people he trusted and relied on were far out of reach, his mind whirling like a raging tide attempting to situate his mangled thoughts that were unable to decipher if he was truly alone, or if there was still that one person left beside him. Physically, Soyoung was there, but with Jin’s mental capacity, the boy might as well have been an empty casing because as far as the guitarist was concerned, Soyoung had nothing to offer him. After all the time and effort Soyoung sacrificed for Jin, it was a little cruel of him to think at such a reckless level where feelings were in question of getting hurt. Luckily, Jin never spoke them out and the silence stifled the air as it usually did when his grip upon the boy lax in the slightest. But as soon as the car came to a halt, his jagged breathing sped with the confusion wrapped around his wrist and lashes fluttered in a bit of disbelief. What was Soyoung doing? No one really touched him, let alone grabbed him the way Jun usually did when Jin trailed behind at a turtle’s pace, frustrating the mind of an impatient tike who needed things done as soon as possible. Not that he could blame Jun for being overly stressed when Jin was the type who processed things rather slowly due to distractions and the sort. But this was something to think about - something he really couldn’t get his mind off of because the physical contact was unnerving to say the least.
He just stared and stared as eyes loomed about the digits twined around him. What could he possibly make of it exactly? Jin wasn’t entirely sure but it made the sickly magma coursing through his veins simmer into a controllable boil that kept him standing. A mist of confusion swayed before his eyes with a blur, his body weak under the pressure in which questions flew at him without one single reply parting parched lips. It was like walking through the sierra desert where one single step sucked the life right out of him and as soon as Yeongsu’s bed was in sight, he stood there, unaware of what to do. Not only did he fail to answer Soyoung question, whether it be because his lack of effort or deteriorating strength, but he couldn’t even decide whether taking Yeongsu’s bed was the right thing to do. He stood there, his mind wondering, his thoughts hazing, his body burning and his voice unable to make a sound because the shrills of a guitar captured his attention and from there he stared once more. Even if his passion revolved around music, and his instrument of choice based upon the trill coming to a halt with a press of a button, Jin wasn’t familiar nor did he heard the ringtone of choice before. It was strange that he knew little to nothing about any guitarist the world had to offer because many knew, inspiration relied upon those mastered in the arts where one’s passion relayed. But when playing by ear was his only means of progressing, Jin learned his one source of inspiration was within mainly within himself.
That was something positive for a change considering how pessimistic Jin usually was.
He watched Soyoung step out into the hall, leaving Jin alone, which was one thing he never grew use to nor did he favor its silence echoing in an indescribable buzz that traveled from head to toe. ‘Be a good boy honey and don’t be a bother to anyone, alright sweetie.’ The voices resurfaced when the strums of his guitar or the vocals of another failed to supply as a distraction from the memories that haunted him so. It always drilled him through the very bone and despite the bliss that followed with such reminiscent thought, his knuckles grew white with a bout of uncertainty playing along clenched fists baring tightly at his sides. ‘What if I’m alone? What if no one’s here? What if I can’t help myself?’ The little strength he had left was withering away, his unsettling gaze trailing at the stepladder that would either be the reason for his death or an injury of some sort if he even thought of climbing up there. So he sat at Yeongsu’s bedside and collapsed right into the pillows where he curled into a quivering mess tucking himself under the quilts. ‘What if it hurts so much more to hear nothing?’ A pressure cooker of pain compiled in a disturbing array of pins and needles coursing through his veins. He couldn’t breathe and when he tore the mask from his face, each breath felt like hell’s inferno huffing the fires burrowing in the depth of his chest, where his heart slowly thrummed its tune in small shakes and shivers reverberating his entire being. His body moved on its own accord, hands clenching into the sheets and without even so much as a thought, his fingers padded along the keyboard of his phone as it dialed a number.
“Jin?” He was on speaker, his name being called out numerous of times before he managed a series of coughs that prevented Yeongsu from hanging up. “Are you back yet?” Jin’s feeble voice rasped quietly, his breathing increased with each rise and fall of his chest as Jin tossed the covers over his head in a ditch effort to seal off his pain from the rest of the world. “No, not yet. I haven’t even stepped on the plane. Where are you?”
“Home.”
“Who’s with you?” With eyes half-lidded, Jin drew his brows up in a bit of confusion. It was so little that such an expression couldn’t even be considered as a state of perplexity when Jin buried his face further into the pillow. “I don’t know.” He muffled out. “You don’t know? Jin are you-”
“I forgot his name.” As pathetic as that sounded, it was the truth and Jin wasn’t the type to refrain from the honesty parting his lips. “He’s going to leave and no one’s here. When are you coming back?”
“3 hours or so.” The devastation must have washed over Jin by now because as soon as the realization hit him like a ton of bricks, the bitter silence ensued. “I want to work.” Yeongsu sighed. “You’re going to a rest. Why don’t you just ask the person you’re with to stay by your side until Jun or the others return.” He tried to offer, but when Jin’s stubbornness exceeded his rising passivity, his thoughts nor his opinions knew no bounds. “I don’t know him. I don’t trust him. H-He’s too close.” Haggard coughs sent those familiar pins down each limb, bracing itself for its needles that drove through flesh and bones as the excruciating fires seared the underlying skin permeating a fever he‘d never experienced before. “He wants something.”
“Jin.” Yeongsu’s voice projected a calmness that faithfully atoned in exemplified kindness Jin always sought for within himself, yet could never achieve. “I don’t have any reason to get close to him.” No one understood how much it hurt. No one could ever come to terms with the pain of losing someone he once trusted with all his heart. Such a heart tatters, the vessels break, and every muscle scars beyond there years, as a mirrored image of his self made him become who he was today. “So it’s better to be alone, is that what you’re saying?” Psychology was Yeongsu’s strong point and with it, he attempted to manifest some kind of understanding Jin could relate to as acceptance became a goal Jin couldn’t accept. “No. It‘s better to work.” He flatly stated and from there, the wicked coughs hacking from his lungs punished him for his ignorance. “I’ll try to take the earliest flight out, but in the mean time you have to promise me you’ll stay in bed.” Silence played a big part in this little game where trust was the devil’s keeper and doubt bore it’s fangs against the pawns of deceit. “Don’t take long.” Only with Yeongsu could he speak so casually as if Jin’s solemn pledge for words better left unsaid had ceased to exist. “I’ll try not to. Just get some sleep.”
He felt uncomfortable hanging up on Yeongsu and his fingers tried for another number, but when he heard the stranger speak once more, Jin’s muscles tensed at the kindness Soyoung’s concern portrayed. Jin wasn’t use to it, he didn’t like it, and he especially never anticipated another person burrowing underneath the steal gate walls he mentally put around himself in an aura exuding the much needed protection his soul yearned for. They were fragile after all - like glass translucent to those who dared excuse its presence while the fragility of it all held the capability to cut against anything it encased under lock and key. It wasn’t anything personal. Jin was like this to everyone unless there was an excuse in expressing someone other than the solemn man that laid buried underneath the covers. But that wasn’t all! There was still so much more piling onto his conscious when Soyoung continued his little spiel that kept Jin as still as the floorboards beneath the other’s feet.
“You’re not always this nice, are you?” He lowered the sheets enough to expose those piercing dark irises that honed in on the façade of kindness that couldn’t possibly be true. Soyoung was a dancer after all, and maybe the act was something beneficial upon his own behalf as it disregarded the betrayal Jin would’ve felt if he was still that naïve individual people took advantage of all those years ago. “I don’t need anything from you.” Hallow were the words that must’ve cut like a knife and its lethality brandished itself even further upon the eyes that looked right pass him. “If you want something, then I don’t have it. I can‘t get it for you. I don‘t control who gets in and who‘s sent home.” Jin looked away for a brief moment, his expression softening, his stringent tone of voice uplifting in a lightness he really had no reason to reveal and yet a side of him - a side he wasn’t even sure had a reason for existing- felt put off by a self that was as wicked as the loneliness that would soon swallow him whole. “But I appreciate you following Jun’s orders and getting me here.” It was the least he could say. Showing a little gratitude -as off as it might’ve been- couldn’t hurt as bad as Jin felt, so he managed to do just that as Jinhwa threw the covers over his head once more.
He didn’t know what had gotten over him. Usually, he’d be so calm about another approaching him the way Soyoung did and at first, that was exactly what he did the first day he met him. But when Soyoung’s advances continued and the kindness came at him without warning, Jin felt disturbed by the reminders of their lies when he really thought trust came by so easily. The world was full of sins; he understood that and even though hope tried to play through his aching heart, he couldn’t forget the fact that lies still twiddled along the edges of faith that hopeless crumbled beneath him.
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Usually, kind gestures would have been accepted and outwardly appreciated but such a thing wasn't what Soyoung was hoping for or expecting. What he did not expect however, was to be taken as a brown-noser. It took him far aback because he had never taken into account how his actions would look to someone who possibly had sway in his standing with Al[tria]. It did not occur to him and once it finally did due to Jin's stale words, he felt like the worst kind of idiot. And Jin's lack of enthusiasm cut deep into the boy who was genuinely concerned for the burning-up, coughing and hacking male whose eyes still had a way of causing that churn in his stomach. But the churn was a different kind of unsettling, given that such eyes were now under a false suspicion. So very false! But what was Soyoung to do? And along with such a searing claim, the trainee was still burning from a certain set of hurtful words: "If you want something, then I don’t have it. I can‘t get it for you." If time could stop, the boy would have taken the time to pause and think thoroughly about those words. There was no way in the world that Jin meant them in the way that stabbed so close to home in the boy because Jin did not know of the words Soyoung's father had repeated to him before, over and over again. The words were different and quite contrasting, but links were always made within the boy who often analyzed beyond the need to. After all, his father's words only haunted him every day it seemed.
Was that an ounce of appreciation Soyoung heard? But even then, Jin said he appreciated that Soyoung followed Jun's orders. There was no better way to spit in one person's efforts. The tea, the cough drops, the attentiveness...All conceived as an act of gaining favor to have a higher chance at obtaining a spot as a dancer. He couldn't believe he didn't think of it before. It is strange, after all, to randomly give someone you barely know some things you personally bought for them. It made too much sense. Jin's face disappeared beneath the blankets that shielded him from the world and Soyoung was left awkwardly standing there at the door. The gesture of covering one's face was a huge hint that they don't want you around. Instant told him to just quietly leave without another word, but Soyoung was not that kind of person. He had something to say that direly needed to be let out. So as much as he didn't want to, he'd bother Jin a little longer.
"I-" he began. He thought the stuttering had left him but it seemed to return under such an unnerving atmosphere. "I'm...so sorry. I didn't realize how my behavior seemed..." Was this the right thing to say? Was he making it worse? It didn't matter because he continued to speak, twiddling and pulling at his fingers all the while. "You should know that...I wasn't trying anything sneaky. I just...hate seeing someone feeling bad and being sick..." Well, more specifically the person he liked being sick, but that was beside the point. Regardless of his nervous state, he managed a dry little chuckle. "And anyway...If I wanted to kiss-up to someone...no offense, Jinhwa-hyung, but it wouldn't be you. It'd be either Jun-sunbae or Yeongsu-sunbae." The quaint smile on his face was audible within his voice. He didn't really think too much about how strange he'd sound with that previous part. Everyone called the guitarist Jin, not Jinhwa. And he was still formal enough to use the honorifics of "sunbae" even though he was in an informal setting and was not speaking to the particular sunbaes. It was just how he talked and he was used to his own speech.
As much as it hurt, Soyoung could tell when he wasn't wanted. Or rather, Jin made it all too blatant. "But I'll let you sleep now," he continued with that pleasant tone lingering in his voice. "Oh! But..." he began walking forward to where Jin laid, digging in his pocket. He had said that he'd keep the money so he could instantly get Jin anything he needed if he called. But it was obvious in every way that Jin never planned on making that call and asking Soyoung for anything. The proper and respectful thing to do was to give the money back, still unsure of why Jin gave it to him in the first place. "I'm returning this to you," he said as the money was pulled out of his trouser pocket and he placed it lightly on the nightstand. A couple of coins rolled and sounded like bells as they came to a stop on the hard wood. "But if you do need anything, please give me a call. You have my number...it's under Soyoung..." Unless he deleted it. The trainee couldn't help but to notice that the male never once used his name and he didn't blame him if he forgot it. Why on Earth would Jin care about who he was or what his name was, anyway? He was just some wayward kid who forced his number on him. Soyoung could see the conceited and imposing nature of his ways when he finally looked at it like that.
The downtrodden boy turned and went to the door where he turned the light off for the sickly fellow in hopes that he would sleep. As he left the room, he pulled the door behind him just to crack it so that a bit of hallway light peeked through into Jinhwa's room and he made his way out of the apartment, locking the door behind him. He wasn't much of a crier, but he was a damn good brooder. It was like a dark cloud hung over him the entire walk from the complex to his hotel. His thoughts would only whirl around memories he wanted to eliminate and the happenings of that day that he also wished he could be rid of. If only he could start the day over! It was never in his plan to seem like a shady individual to the very guy he thought about when he woke and before he went to sleep at night. He entered his hotel room while bringing his dark cloud with him, setting his key down on the kitchenette counter-top like a zombie. 'I'm an idiot, anyway,' his mind taunted. 'There's no way he's into guys and there's also no way he'd ever consider being with one. Therefore, I'm nothing but a creepy nuisance. I really need to leave him alone before he goes through the effort of avoiding me.' But would such a talk to one's self actually make Soyoung give up his very nature to pursue the things he feels that he needs? Like breaking a habit, it'd definitely be a difficult thing to kick. Even if he suggested it to himself, he wasn't sure if he could avoid it. Could he actually stop those urges to be around and talk to his hyung Jinhwa?
But still Jin's words haunted him as he retreated to the bathroom. "Damn it, dad," he muttered to himself. "Why did you have to go and make me so paranoid? But you would have loved to hear what he said, wouldn't you." After placing his cell phone on the bathroom counter, the boy stripped of his clothing, placing them in a tied plastic bag like Rae instructed, and made his way into the shower where he stood unmoving for a while as the heat soaked into his chilly body. 'Because of my mistakes from the past, I now know that it's silly to feel this way when I'm only 17. So why can't I make these feelings disappear? This is so stupid. I should be able to have the power over my own brain to decide who I want to have feelings for. Maybe then I'd stop being such a pathetic person...' With a sigh, he leaned back against the wall of the shower, eyes canting downward at his skinny physique. 'Plus...even if he was into guys, there's no way in hell he'd want someone so scrawny...' On a personal level, Soyoung was fine with his body. He had no desire to be thick and muscly and nor did he have any want of being a female. But when he looked at it through his own eyes, he could only see one problem: if he preferred guys with a thicker build, wouldn't other guys want the same? It just presented a new world of paranoia he didn't want to fret his mind over, but did anyway.
His sluggish behavior still got him out of that shower, in some new clothes, and out the door eventually. Soyoung looked like his dog had just died or something of the sort by the way he presented himself in all his dead-eyed glory, sitting at the bus stop waiting for his chariot to whisk him away to the only place that could get his mind off of its torment. The S.M. Entertainment Japanese site was the best place to escape his little pesky demons as he emerged himself in torturous, sweaty dance practice. His outlet always worked for a temporary time. But amongst his spacey state of dwelling on his woes, he felt something being placed in his hand. He instinctively looked down into his palm where he found a round, red candy wrapped in clear plastic sitting there. "◉You look like you could use one.◉" Soyoung's face shot over to his right where he saw a Japanese girl in fashionable clothing, a little smile upon her lips. Soyoung's Japanese was rather good, though he sometimes had a mix-up here or there, but he understood the girl perfectly. It was strange, to say the least, for Soyoung to experience someone imposing their forward personality upon him and he didn't know quite how to take it. He did it to others when he felt so inclined, but to receive it was just odd to him. And he didn't quite want to take candy from a stranger, even if she looked innocent and around his age.
He smiled politely as he chuckled airily and placed the hard candy back into her hands. "◉That's so sweet of you. But I really don't think I can stomach candy right now. I'm on my way to practice dance.◉" The girl accepted her treat back, but her eyes widened at the mention of dance. "◉You're a dancer?! What kind?◉" "◉Uhh...Have you heard of the Korean company S.M. Entertainment? I'm auditioning as a backup dancer for their upcoming group, Al[tria].◉" The girl's jaw dropped. "◉What?! That's so cool!◉" Soyoung couldn't help but to smile. He usually preferred solitude, but at least this girl was getting his mind off of things and keeping him company as he waited for the bus. "◉Arigato gozaimasu.◉" "◉I'm Kumiko. What's your name?◉" Even if she was nice and around his age, he still couldn't help but to feel; the usual apprehension he felt when someone else talked to him. For someone to put attention on him, rather than he putting attention on others, was way unlike what he was used to. First Rae, and now this girl. "◉I'm Soyoung.◉" "◉Oh so you must be Korean, like that label. I thought your dialect sounded different.◉"
He was surprised at how well she did with talking to the likes of him, but she provided enough for him to speak back on, making him laugh every now and then. She had what Koreans would call "aigyo" and what Japanese called "kawaii". He had to wonder if she liked talking to him so much because she was genuinely enjoying a conversation with him, or if it was because he said he might be involved with a group that would grow in fame. Perhaps she was just one of those people that always has to talk to someone? It didn't matter because a distraction was a distraction and she was superb at being one. They sat next to each other on the bus, Kumiko jabbering away and Soyoung growing fonder of her by the minute. Who cares if she might only be fascinated because of his job: she actually seemed like someone he could enjoy the company of. "◉My stop is coming up. You want to exchange numbers and we can talk more again later?◉" Kumiko lit up. "◉Of course! I was afraid to ask because I didn't want you to think I only want a friendship because of the whole backup dancer thing!◉" Soyoung laughed lightly. She was spot-on. They switched numbers and before he knew it, he was off the bus and walking over to the S.M. site.
Well, he had made a friend. Usually, he'd call that an accomplishment, but really it was Kumiko's, wasn't it? She was the one to approach him, after all. Friendship was a strange subject with Soyoung and so to gain a friend was a situation he didn't know how to react to. It was how he felt with Rae. Speaking of the devil, Rae was leaving the building as he approached. "Finally, dude," he called out as they walked toward each other. Once they met in the middle, Rae continued. "What took you so long, man?" Maybe it would be a bad joke to make, but the corners of Soyoung's lips curled up. "Met a girl. Got her number." In Soyoung's weird sense of humor, such a statement was positively hilarious and it was almost difficult to keep the facade of a straight face up. But Rae didn't get it and took it seriously. "Whaaaat?! Seriously? And here I am trying to get a girl and once I think I got one, she doesn't want to go on dates and then you try just once and-" "Rae, I'm just kidding. It was a joke." Rae blinked down at him for a second but once the joke sunk in, he was able to laugh a bit even though he didn't actually understand that it was funny because Soyoung was gay. "Well, bro, you got me on that one." "Well, I mean, I did meet a girl and got her number but it's only a friendship type of deal. I'm not interested, to say the least." "Oh! Well in that case, tell me about her! Is she cute? Is she single?" Soyoung rolled his eyes and sighed comically as he began walking past Rae, who began following him right afterwards. "For one thing, she's Japanese. And the last time I checked, your Japanese is not all that great. Maybe you should work on it more before you try to get girls here." Soyoung had to smile, even at Rae's expense. "Oh come on! My Japanese isn't that bad. I mean, the girl I am trying to date right now is Japanese. She was the one flirting with me in the first place." "Well, maybe that's why she's avoiding you. Too much of a language barrier?" Poor Rae and his undying need for a girlfriend. Even though Soyoung found a bit of harmless humor in Rae's neediness, it bothered him a bit deeper down because he saw that very same neediness within himself. And he didn't want to accept it. Didn't he prove by now that he doesn't need anyone? He's completely sufficient by his self! And in the case of being by one's self, Soyoung was on his way to practice by his self and yet his friend was still tagging along. Did Rae really plan on hanging around to sit about as Soyoung rehearsed the dance?
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Yeongsu said I should trust people. He gave me so many reasons to depend on others besides the ones I already have. Yeongsu’s like an older brother, Jun is like a mother, Kazuma’s like a father, and Ryo’s like a little brother who looks out for me even if he causes trouble for people out of our circle, because that’s what we are; we’re like a family and we don’t need no one else but Al[tria]. It’ll ruin everything! Soyoung will ruin everything, but Yeongsu doesn’t agree. I want to believe him, but it’s really hard. I don’t know what to think anymore, but I know I did something wrong. I hurt a person I hardly even know and I don’t know what to do. I hate when I’m the cause of everyone’s sadness because they don’t deserve it. If anyone out of our circle comes close to me, they’ll get hurt like how I hurt him. That person should read this so he can understand that I’m sorry and I didn‘t meant to say the things that I said. But only Yeongsu could ever touch this journal because he’s like an older brother that won’t leave me. So I can’t let Soyoung or anyone else know what’s going on because no one but Yeongsu will care. I just have to wait until we sell over 10,000 copies, that way he’ll be proud of me and know everything I want him to know.
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There was that significant twinge of discomfort surging throughout his body when dancers were chosen and a certain name stood out amongst the rest: Soyoung. Formidable as it was, Jin was hoping, praying, pleading and even begging for a reason to never see him again. Jin depended on destiny, depended on fate, and especially depended on his undying faith in god to whisk Soyoung off in the next plane back to Korea, but it never happened. He stayed along with two other guys and a couple of girls who were exceptional in the eyes of both Al[tria] as a whole, and the judges that tallied up their fortunes in a stable dancing career. They were blessed just like the rest of them who were chosen as SM’s next upcoming band that held so many expectations. And if Yeongsu wasn’t feeling the pressure just yet, then Jun surely was, by the way he meticulously bit at his fingernails. “Why are you staring at me? Aren’t you supposed to be following Yeongsu around?“ As the saying goes, old habits die hard within the tiny physique of a man who anticipated the day when all their hard work would finally be paid off.
Jun chewed on his nails more than usual nowadays because of that fact as fingers fiddled between his lips whenever deadlines drew near and instead of answering his question, Jun was always there to offer the blonde any sort of candy to relinquish his fears. Rain or shine, the sweetest taste of sin was always in the form of a jolly rancher Jun took from the solemn individual now focusing his attention upon the dancers who were either stretching or talking amongst each other. “If you don’t like him, we can easily get rid of him.” Apparently, Yeongsu wasn’t the only one concerned about Jin’s mild discomfort towards the dancer that showed an unusual kind of concern he rarely experience from strangers that had little to no interest in talking to him in the first place. “I can b***h at Yeongsu to babble the bullshit that convinces everyone to do things his way and he’ll be gone just like that.” he said quite confidently with a snap of his fingers. “He’s replaceable, but you‘re not. We need you to focus and if he’s preventing you from doing just that, then we can cut the b*****d out. Just say the word, or better yet, nod if you agree.”
Tempting.
It was very tempting to go with whatever Jun offered, but then again, wouldn’t that mean a different kind of pain enslaved by a sadness pulling Soyoung beneath a darkness he didn’t deserve? He’d be as devious as the people who looked down upon him for all these years and wasn’t such a sin something he was trying to prevent? Wasn’t temptation a sin within itself that should have never crossed his mind? Jin blankly stared at Jun for a while, his silence far more dreadful than those cold-pane eyes looking right through the blond chewing on a piece of candy. Jun wasn’t so concerned about the sudden change in atmosphere because as strange as it was, he got use to it after spending so much time with Jin back when he was the other’s object of stalkerish affection. The little tike knew what he was going to say, which is why it didn’t surprise him when dark hair sloshed with a shake of his head that denoted Jun‘s perfidious proposal. “You can’t do that.” The softness in his voice resounded a small cry of remorse that Jun couldn’t understand. “Why not?”
“Because it’s wrong and Yeongsu said he’s a good person.” Whether it was because of the sudden mention of Yeongsu’s name or the blithe perception upon a man Jin never took the time to even know, Jun had burst out in hysterics that nearly caught everyone’s attention. “Really Jin?! What the ********] It was just too funny and Jun couldn’t help but to hunch forward as if it would relieve the pressure laughter usually caused at the pit of his stomach. “Yeongsu doesn’t know s**t. He’s just kissing a** because from what I hear, Soyoung and Key are really good friends. He doesn‘t want his prissy boyfriend riding a stick up his a** so it‘s only natural for Yeong to say that bullshit about him. You can‘t trust anyone besides us. You know that, right?” Jun wasn’t pressing the issue more than it was necessary for him to do so. But it really didn’t matter how Jin took his advice because Yeongsu was already asking him to do something and everyone knew how proficient the guitarist was.
Jin got up and exited the room without a seconds hesitation, feet padding down the corridor where he nearly bumped into another who immediately bowed apologetic for the sudden collision that was her fault to begin with. She was like a little girl made of spun sugar, but she possessed a natural sex appeal and calm of an adult woman tucking stray locks of hair behind her ear as she straightened up with a smile. “Oh gosh! JiJi you scared me. I thought you were like those officials or something who can sign me right out of a job if I even looked at them funny.” she giggled and lightly nudged his shoulder in a mixture of surprise and relief before curiosity pinned her gaze on a small wad of cash she picked up off the ground. “It’s unlike you to carry loose change. What’s the occasion?”
“I owe money, but I don‘t know how to give it to him.” Ayako slightly pouted. “Oh JiJi, you’re afraid again, aren’t you? You don‘t want to get close to him? ” What was the sense in replying when she already knew the answer? Jin’s dark hues fell upon the money Ayako returned to him, the silence he was well known for earning the man a hug as it usually did. “Well, no matter what anyone says, there’s nothing wrong with meeting someone new because if they hurt you in any way, I’ll make sure to wear my 6 inch stiletto heels and stab him right where the sun don’t shine.” Long lashes fluttered in a wink once she had pulled away and from there, lips thinned into a malevolent smirk that meant nothing but trouble. She was always protective, always there when anyone needed her, and always that one person Jin relied on for that spark of relief diminishing his concerns into a translucent vapor lost in the wind.
“Anyways, do you know who’s phone this is?” Now there it was! At first, he didn’t even notice the galaxy S in her hand until she waved it about with the most baffled expression splayed over her eyes. They must have missed her on their way out and to Yeongsu‘s impeccable luck (only when his electronics are concerned) Ayako was the one who found it before anyone else could. “It’s Yeongsu‘s. He’s looking for it.” And without warning, that familiar fan girl shrill of a squeal echoed through the halls in an excitement bursting the adrenaline right through her veins. Ayako suddenly became an energizer bunny jumping in place with the little height her heels could manage. “Oh my god all mighty!!! Dae Yeongsu! I just knew it! Thanks Jiji, I’ll see you later and don’t forget to give people a chance. Just remember what I told you to do when you try to meet people.” And what was that exactly? He could recall having this conversation before when social skills became his number one priority in achieving to reach his so called dream.
There was the need for eye contact, good posture and the ability to acquire a fluency in his voice that suppressed his stutters, along with the nerves that usually hid him under an awning of ridicule the entertainment business ravenously projected. But there was one thing that, just like Soyoung, had stood out amongst the rest. It was unconventional, which fit Ayako’s personality perfectly and that was the very reason why Jin was so standoffish the moment he returned to the practice room. “Are you alright?” He shouldn’t have done it. Jin should’ve just kept his composure instead of abruptly nodding his head like a guilty child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “You were staring at Soyoung-ssi. Is something wrong?” A little part of Kazuma was hoping the boy would tell him what made his nerves hit through the roof. It was unlike him. Jin’s knuckles never grew so white before by the way he grappled what seemed like money in the palm of his hands and it would be strange of himself not to worry about that. “I wanted to talk to--” But maybe it was a bad idea. It seemed like a very, very bad idea and when his gut feeling signaled a heinous crime waiting to happen, he learned to always trust such nerve-wracking sensations in spite of the situation being as harmless as ever. “You wanted to talk to Soyoung?” The panic set in once more, his head shaking fervently from side to side as it signified a denial tearing at his skin. “Can you give this to him?” He was the spineless nobody that everyone made him out to be. He couldn’t hide from it, he couldn’t escape it and he surely couldn’t just forget who he truly was. There was no chance in simply pushing his doubts aside and approaching him like there was nothing wrong about it.
There was to much risk!
Risks his fragile soul couldn’t afford and so the money was placed in the lyricist‘s hand without warning. “Shouldn’t you do that yourself? He’s just right there.” Jin thought about it. He really did! But his feet was moving back on there own accord, his heart already set on going into the only safe haven that made being alone a sanctum when music washed his worries away. He exited the room with Kazuma calling after him because Jin was walking so fast that the concern for his wellbeing and his weak immune system became an issue. There was a few scruff coughs every now and then that still remained from his cold, but Jin overexerted himself quite often, what with the constant late night composing and lack of anything good to eat when he always stuffed himself in his favorite recording room. His fever had the potential to kick into high gear once more, making Yeongsu and the others wonder if Jin ever remotely concerned about his health? Well, Of course not because once he shut himself into his recording studio, Jin leaned back against the corner of the wall, shutting him off from the rest of the world where silence ensued. The constant pounding of his heart rushed through his ear - eyes staring, chest heaving and the multitude of questions passing through his mind like a raging whirlpool keeping him place. Some might even think he was crazy to stand there with eyes widened in disbelief because for one thing, his hands cupped over his ears as if attempting to shut out those silent hymns ringing in his ears. ‘You can’t come near me.’ Wasn’t that his mother’s voice? ‘Even if you try, you can’t come near me.’ There it was again, but even louder and so much more prominent than before. ‘You’ll hurt me if you do.‘ Which is why, never could he ever advance toward another without worrying like crazy that something bad was going to happen - something bad that he just couldn’t prevent. “I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore.”
He needed Yeongsu.
…………………He needed Jun.
……………………………..He just needed someone to tell him everything was going to be alright.
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"Yessssssss" Rae hissed in an excited whisper when his name was the first to be called, tucking the victorious fist into his side. Rae apparently didn't know the art of sportsmanship: no gloating. Soyoung just sat next to him suppressing the urge to shake his head in annoyance at Rae's behavior as two other girls' names were called out. There could only be two more names, and luckily Soyoung's was the next one that called. He thought his the butterflies in his stomach would fly away if he was called but instead, they seemed to be rapidly multiplying. He was extremely excited and proud to have made it, but still this meant he was about to embark on a completely new thing outside of his comfort zone. Had it been the day before, one of the first thoughts he would have had would be 'I get to work with Jinhwa-hyung now! Maybe we'll get closer over time?' But because of what crashed and burned yesterday with Jinhwa, Soyoung was simply trying to tell himself he needs to leave the guy alone. Plus, he couldn't help but to steal a quick glance at Jinhwa once his name was called and he didn't know if it was because they male was still sick or what but...he looked extremely displeased. Soyoung's heart fell right after it high of receiving a part and once the last name was called, a lot of disappointed voices were heard as some girls sniffled in tears. "Alriiiiight!~" Rae said in a winner's voice as he raised a hand to high five Soyoung. Soyoung just looked up at the hand, noting the expectation in Rae's eyes and grinning mouth to be rectified with the completion of his bro's high five.
"You're gloating," Soyoung said matter of factly, not moving an inch. Rae was left hanging and a nostril scrunched. "Wuh?" "Twenty people auditioned for this and 15 of them just got cut. You shouldn't showboat in front of them." "Ohh..." Clueless Rae was forever clueless. "Well," he continued, lending a hand out respectfully for Soyoung to take and shaking it. Soyoung found that to be suitable."Congratulations, bud! Once my name was called, I was really hoping yours would be too because I'll be honest: I can't stand most of the guys that auditioned. The other one that made it, I'm not sure about him because I didn't talk to him much. I just reeeeaaally didn't want Hunsoo to make it. He's so full of himself." Most of the 15 eliminated auditioners had left the room to go about the halls talking about their opinions of the delegation and to call up parents to let them know what happened. But the five dancers stayed with the five Al[tria] members and continued talking or got up to stretch. But Soyoung and Rae sat there, chit chatting. "You know, you're kind of full of yourself, too." "Wrong!" Rae said confidently with a smile. "You see, I know I'm a dork whose only favorable asset is good dancing. Hunsoo? Thinks he's the s**t in everything he does. This should definitely be a lovely, cold wake-up call for him."
Soyoung smiled a bit and shrugged. Well, at least Rae admitted he was a dork. "Oh hey! You know what? You totally should text that Kumiko chick and tell her you made it and so did your really cool friend who she should meet sometime." Soyoung's smile widened. Rae's need for a girlfriend could be very entertaining. "I might later." He didn't feel like texting right now. Rae blinked at him. "You know...for someone who just gained the bragging rights of beating out 15 other people...you sure don't seem too excited..." Soyoung shrugged again. "I'm very excited, I just am not the type to express excitement in public." Not to mention, he wasn't feeling all too good. The tickling sensation creeped into his itchy nose as the realization for the need to sneeze hit him. But he couldn't sneeze in front of them, or everyone would figure out that Soyoung most likely caught Jinhwa's cold. So instead of allowing the sneeze to relieve him of his miniscule torment, he pinched his nostrils together for a second as the tingling went away. It had started that morning: Soyoung woke up sneezing. It could have just been a coincidence like allergies getting to him. But Jinhwa did hold his wrist yesterday and then Soyoung held his. Despite the fact that he was wearing a mask, if he adjusted the mask at any point of the day, the germs could have gotten on his hands and then onto Soyoung and if Soyoung touched his face subconsciously before he washed them....it's the perfect way to catch it.
Rae was already suspicious because he had heard the early-morning sneezing. "Duuuude, I really hope you didn't get whatever Jin got. Cus not only can I get sick, but they're moving us into that three-bed suite in the hotel, meaning that other guy will be roomed with us too." "I'm fine. Stop worrying so much. Plus, Jinhwa's here, isn't he? He's apparently not dying or anything so that would mean we can handle it if we catch it. Don't be a baby." At the mention of the soon-to-be idol's name, Rae looked over at Jinhwa....who was staring at Soyoung. Rae had noticed it a bit earlier, but he was still looking? "Bro...why does Jin keep looking at you?" So those were the eyes he felt on him? But Soyoung knew the answer, and it really hurt to say. "Because he can't stand me." Soyoung wasn't a gossiper, but Rae should know if he's going to be around all of them. "He's probably annoyed that I made it into the crew." God it hurt to outwardly admit it. "But...why?!" Soyoung shrugged and leaned back against the wall. "Remember I brought him home yesterday? I annoyed him. And now he'll be stuck in my presence a lot of the time." "That can't be it, man, how is it possible that you of all people could annoy someone." "Easily. But lets change subjects, okay? Do we want to combine money tonight to order a victory pizza?"
After a few simple minutes of time-passing chit-chat, Soyoung was a bit shocked when Kazuma bent by them to hand over a small wad of cash and coins. "Jin told me to give this to you." Soyoung's brows angled in confusion. "Again with the money? Did he say why?" Kazuma shrugged. "Nope, he just asked me to give it to you." Soyoung stared down at his open palm and counted. $6.03....Now why would Jinhwa try to give Soyoung six dollars and three cents two days in a row? He sat in thought. Jin never said anything about getting him medicine or something to aid him...He didn't ask for tea or cough drops...Tea and cough drops! That was it! It finally hit Soyoung. He went over the amount he paid yesterday in his head. He couldn't remember the exact amount both items cost but yes: they both would have totaled out to around $6.03! Soyoung instantly groaned, squeezed his eyes shut, and let his head fall forward. "What is it, Soh?" "He's paying me back for some stuff I bought him yesterday," the boy complained. "I didn't want him to feel like he had to! I just wanted him to feel better." A look of aggravated disappointment was noticeable upon his face. He felt so guilty now! He never meant for Jin to feel obligated to pay him back! "You bought him stuff with six dollars and three cents? Dude...you don't have much money until our paychecks come in. You shouldn't be spending it like that." Soyoung sighed loudly as he got up. Usually it was Soyoung griping to Rae about things. But when it came to money the two split on food, Rae would definitely be one to preach. "I just wanted him to feel better," he said in yet another sigh as he stuffed the money in his pocket. "Thanks, Kazuma-sunbae. I'll be right back, Rae." And with that, he turned to leave.
♬Oh where, oh where has the Jinhwa-hyung gone? Oh where, oh where could he be?♬ It wasn't much of a question to the stalker boy who was pretty positive that he knew where he went, and so instinct made his legs travel in that direction. It would be the last time he interacted with him! Just so that Jin knew he didn't have to pay him back and then Soyoung would continue to leave him in peace. Once he got up to that door, his heart pounded the usual way it did because even if Jinhwa made it obvious that he was uninterested in Soyoung in every way, the trainee's crush had not yet had time to go away, if it ever would in the following months and months of promotions. But with a deep breath, he twisted that doorknob and entered the studio. He looked to his right to not see Jinhwa where he thought he would. But once he turned to his left, there he was awkwardly in the corner looking rather frigid and uncomfortable. 'He really dislikes me that much, eh?' the sinking heart mused. "Oh, uh...I figured out the whole thing with the money..." He slowly walked over to Jin while digging in his pocket to get the money out. Once close enough, he almost reached for Jin's hand out of habit to put the money in his palm but stopped himself oddly mid-reach. Eyes canted to the side where a desk was nearby and he made the couple steps toward it where he placed the money. Jinhwa was a strange fellow. Soyoung knew that all along. It was one of the things that made the guitarist so appealing to him. But he could just tell by his body language that touching him was a bad idea. So the coins rolled on the desk for a second before falling stationary.
"The tea and cough drops were a gift. You don't pay-back for gifts. Doesn't that kind of defeat their purpose?" Soyoung smiled. Just because Jinhwa disliked him doesn't mean Soyoung shouldn't be polite. "Really, it's totally fine. Just keep the money. You could have told me yourself that you wanted to pay me back. But I figured it out...You're kind of like a puzzle...and I'm good at puzzles." His pleasant grin widened just a tad bit. When you live in an apartment with no internet or tv, sometimes jigsaw puzzles, word games, and riddle books were a worthy pass-time when fingers were sore from practicing guitar and all of your homework was completed. The puzzle comment was a light-hearted joke to say the least, but Jin wasn't laughing. Soyoung's cue to leave. "But I really appreciate it! That was nice of you." He bowed politely. "Kamsahamnida, Jinhwa-hyung." He straightened and turned to leave. It was all he needed to do, and that's all he would do. Give Jinhwa his money back and leave the annoyed guy alone.
The hallway felt really lonely for the boy whose feelings were still recovering. But didn't he have so much to be excited about? He made it into the crew! His pay would be better! He'd travel around! He'd make a name for himself in the industry! But it all kind of lost its pizazz for the time being. He walked down a deserted hall to return to the room he left Rae in. It was at the other end of the building but he decided to take his time with the walk. He didn't quite have the pep in his step that one should after such great news. "That's right," a deep, angry voice sounded coming down a hall that branched from the one Soyoung was in. He looked at the source of the comment and saw that it was Hunsoo with two other rejected auditioners, looking just as displeased as their "leader". [******** the lead's boyfriend to get your self a job. ******** homos."
In his befense, he politely said, "Kibum? He and I dated over two years ago. That wouldn't have anything to do w-" "Yeah, what the ******** ever, you nasty queer. I bet you and Key-f** rolled around before you left Korea so he'd put in a good word for you." Hunsoo was getting closer but the sudden utter disrespect for Key had Soyoung's chest blazing. He may have held a grudge against Key for a while there, but he now learned it was a stupid thing to do. He was blaming Key for a lot of things he wasn't responsible for and he saw past it now. Defensive eyes turned back to look at the thug. "Kibum is a good person! And he doesn't deserve that kind of trash-talk!" Say what you want about Soyoung, the boy wouldn't care. But mention others he respects and that's when really has something to say. "Stop being such a sore loser and get on with your perfect straight-guy's life, homophobe." Intense eyes glared back at Hunsoo, who didn't like being talked to that way. This little "********", this scrawny little girl beat him in an audition? In Hunsoo's haughty mind, there was no way this could have happened fairly! And so he wasn't about to take it. "You bad-mouthing me, you little f*****t punk?" That's when Hunsoo's walking sped and so did Soyoung's. But it didn't matter. Three pairs of hands grabbed at his shoulders and pulled up back. The two "friends" that were now looking more like lackeys stood to the left and right of Soyoung as Hunsoo had one hand pinning Soyoung's shoulder to the wall. The other hand pointed a long, threatening finger to Soyoung's face, those intimidating eyes glaring down at him like he was a dog that pissed on his shoe. Soyoung knew those eyes. He knew what they meant and he couldn't believe that the thugs of the dancing industry was doing this inside of SM's walls. But it was too late: Soyoung just had to speak out, like he always did, and get himself into more trouble. When would he learn to just ignore the verbal abuse? Never, apparently. He couldn't go left, he couldn't go right, and he sure as hell couldn't go forward. There was nothing for Soyoung to do. "You do realize I could break your dancer's legs and get you out of a job right? And you wouldn't tell a soul if you wanted to keep your arms, too. But maybe today, it'll just be your perfect little prim nose as a warning?" The adrenaline was pumping and Soyoung braced himself for pain he wouldn't be able to evade. He knew how this worked: Try to duck and run, they will grab you and beat you worse. And he just prayed for someone to walk down that damn deserted hall! Until then, Soyoung did not lose his pride! He stared up at the male without an ounce of expression. No fear, no cockiness, just nothing.
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There’s something wrong with me. Something really wrong. Something so wrong that I don’t know what it is and no one can give me the answer that can make me forget. Because that’s what I want: I just really want to forget. It’s hard and I wish they knew. I wish I could say something that would stop the pain that I cause people every time I open my mouth.
I just wish I could find him.
I wish he was gone.
I wish I wasn’t the person people ran away from.
I wish I wasn’t me.
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His hands fell and locked away at either side of him, his heart at a steadfast pace pushing him further and further back into the corner where solitude defined the person he hid away from for all these years. Because it was a personification of who he was as walls collided into a solid fixture of himself locked away in the confines of one room Jin couldn’t Escape from. He was alone. Jin was all alone and he knew he should have stayed by Jun’s side, because despite his bickering, his cussing, and the way chestnut colored eyes drenched in an acid that burned through flesh and bone, Jun always knew what to say and what to do to make the voices stop clattering in an irate mess pulling him away from his perception on reality. But when the hinges creaked and the door revealed the cause of it all, he couldn’t look at soyoung because it was too painful. The composure was there - the calmness and serenity ever present in the atmosphere subtly thickening with each step Soyoung took near him. And he really thought Soyoung was going to touch him.
He really thought fingers would grace the tense muscles discretely pressing himself into the wall as if dissolving right through its wooden structure was remotely possible in a reality that was just too cruel to be true. Molars clenched through the soft barrier of thin lips unable to form a single word of refusal toward Soyoung’s relentless advances. He just wanted him to go away - just disappear and never show his face in front of him again! He was scared he’d make everything so much more worse than life already was. Although, it seemed the fear and tormented pleas wasn’t necessary. Soyoung was observant enough to read the signs of discomfort surging right beneath that underlying layer of skin where emotions laid and tears subsided into queries, wondering when it was okay to cry. But just like the rest of his questions revolving around his life, there was no answer and staggering eyes watched those pennies fumble upon the platform where it motionlessly laid.
He said nothing, did nothing, and just stood there when he step back until that fated moment Soyoung twirled on his heels and showed himself out the door. ‘Don’t come back’ Jin sank to the floor and just like the child he was - like the child locked away in his own misery- Jin’s knees shuffled against his heaving chest. ‘It’s better to be alone.’ It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be true! When loneliness engulfed every part of his body, he felt suffocated in his own little cage that silenced his cries through steel bars that grew cold to the touch. Starting from his fingers to the ends of his toes, he felt the brutal chill running through his veins and for a second, he thought he heard someone. He couldn’t see when his eyes hid behind his knees. He couldn’t hear if the palm of his head pressed firmly against his ears. So maybe it was just a figment of his imagination. Jin wasn’t sure and would have never been aware of the other’s presence if it wasn’t for the gentle hand that pulled his gaze out of the darkness.
But when she touched the stoic man's arm ever so lightly, both of them jerked away as if they'd been shocked by the sudden contact pumping the adrenaline into overdrive. Before she could even react and claim her bearings on the situation at hand, Jin was already trying to escape a delusional aura riddled in danger he looked away from. They were so frightened. Those eyes attempting to jerk away from her shook in fear and she knew she had to snap him out of what ever nightmare that was trying to get a hold of him. “JiJi, it’s me. It’s Ayako. Look at me! Come on, just look this way!” Her voice must have cracked through the thickening mist that clouded his thoughts because as soon as those frightful eyes plastered upon her, Jin’s thrashing stopped momentarily, his breathing slowing down just by a fraction when his gaze managed to look at her soft features. Ayako forced a smile because it was the only thing that calmed him down whenever the unexpected happened in a blink of an eye. Jin was just like a child after all, his fears brushed away by what seemed like the tender touch of a mother cradling him into an embrace pressing Jin against the crook of Ayako’s neck where listening to her breathing became a lullaby he cherished more than life itself. “I couldn’t talk to him. I-I disappointed you, didn’t I?”
He must have been referring to the man that led him to Jin in the first place. Her curiosity made her question what kind of dancer would have any business in a recording studio. Maybe a person who was determine to achieve so much more, or a person that was with someone she knew. What ever it was, she was thankful to have found Jin when she did because never could Ayako possibly imagine what would have happen if she didn‘t. “I could never be disappointed in you honey. I’m always there for you just like Jun, so come on. You know you can’t be alone in this stuffy room. Let’s go back where Yeongsu and the others are, ne?” A few pets of his hair at the back of his neck coxed him to his feet and Ayako’s little signature move when walking beside people hooked an arm with the crook of Jin’s own as the two slowly made their way back to the practice room. “No one’s going to hurt you anymore Jin. You have friends now. Yeongsu, Kazuma, and even that little creep Ryo are people you can trust because you gave them the chance to get to know you just a little bit. Just try and not think about those things anymore, alright?” Jin glumly nodded in response and it was all she could ever ask of him. As long as he understood - as long as he heard her, then nodding spoke louder than any confirming word, in her opinion.
They were about to round a corner when Jin suddenly stopped in his tracks. “What’s wron--” That’s when she heard it. Ayako couldn’t see the confrontation from where they stood, but she knew it was just around the corner and what her ears feasted upon began to boil her blood with the inferno of hell‘s fury. “******** homos. Her jaw dropped in disbelief. How could that b***h even saying such things in the presence of a proud lesbian who already began taking off her loop earrings. “Oh hell no. That homo-lint licking-pompous b*****d did not just go there.” The straps of her heels were already being kicked right off of her feet in preparation for a brawl, and if Jin wasn’t in the right state of mind to back her up, then so be it. This 5 feet, 2 inch girl of Japanese decent could kick some a** alone if she needed to.
But a blurred figure rushed right pass her without warning, and before she knew it, someone was holding Jin back. “Aya, ******** help me.” Jun grunted out, arms wrapping tightly around Jin’s waist with the soles of his feet burying into the floor for the much needed traction he needed to push him back. Jin had blood shot eyes from the previous crying he shed, which included the anger bolting him forward as much as Jin possibly could toward the confrontation pressing Soyoung into the wall. But Jin couldn’t get to him, he couldn’t save him because Jun was persistent and with two other pairs of hands pulling him back, they successfully shoved Jin into an empty recording room. He wasn’t sure when Ryo showed up when he did, but the two youngest in the group, along with Ayako leaning heavily against the door had stood before the man who’s brows furrowed in unassailable anger. “Don’t ******** move. You‘re not going anywhere.” He warned, stepping in front of the approaching male’s only exit. “And why the ******** not! Those scumbags are going to beat that dancer up. We have to do something! We have to--”
“Every dancer was picked for a reason that doesn’t only revolve around their dance skills! They can hold their own and if they can’t, they don’t ******** belong in this group! So don‘t you ******** interfere either. You understand me?!” Jun's words were cutting, like a slicing blade against new flesh and they didn’t understand what had gotten into him. Jin and Jun stared each other down, the once passive man now as animated as ever when he tried to walk pass the blond who only took one blockading step in front of him. Jin took the other roughly by the forearms, slamming the boy back into the wall and it was obvious Jun wouldn’t fight back. He didn’t want to hurt the people he called his family and so he took the small pain running down his spine. “We have to help him. I can help. I can-”
“No! If you go. If you even try to walk pass me, you’ll hurt me. Do you want to do that!? Huh!? Do you want to hurt me!” Jun was just trying to protect him because he knew exactly what Jin was capable of. If he wanted to - if he so desired to get out of the younger’s grasp, then he could have with one push, but the threat ran far too deep for him to do so. Jin’s eyes just flooded with tears due to the helplessness he felt sinking him to the floor. “I-I just want to help. I-I just-…I-I…” Those wet, somber tears buried into Jun’s shoulder and protectively the blond held him close, gathering the man tightly in his arms without a single word. “His name is Hunsoo. A prior candidate for Al[tria] who lacked the qualities and talent to exceed any further in Soo Man’s discerning eyes. Overwrought jealousy it seems: he didn‘t make it and as such…s**t happens.” Ryo announced behind his computer screen, searching through various surveillance cameras he hacked into that morning.
The usual humor that strung through Ryo’s every word had now laced in passivity as deadpan eyes gazed over to the two kneeling on the floor. “Make sure that b*****d and his ******** lackeys don’t see the inside of an SM building again.” As expected, Ryo went to work on the orders that were given as fingers flew across the keyboard. There was no questions asked on the hacker’s end, but that unfortunately couldn’t be said for the model who walked over to Jin and Jun, and bent down with arms encircling them both. “What’s going on Jun? Please, stop keeping secrets from me anymore. Why did you stop him? Why would you just leave Soyoung alone to fend for himself?” Jun shook his head slowly. He couldn’t answer it, nor did he have the right words to explain it. Knowing Jin from the inside out meant bearing with his problems and keeping it under the shadows where secrets usually laid.
“Because he has to prove himself to us that he has what it takes to be a part of what we stand for.” The ruse of Al[tria] was the only thing he could work off of as he tried to control the tension in every miniscule fiber of his being. “Don’t give me that bullshit Jungbae.” They wouldn’t look at her. Like always, they tried to protect her when all she needed protecting from was the insecurities that she herself didn’t belong. “The less you know, the better.” And he wish he could say the same for Jin, but the poor boy was in far too deep. The only thing he could do, the only thing he could provide and the only thing Jun could offer was the comforting arms that tried its very best to soothe his pain away. “Everything’s done.” In a matter of minutes, Ryo hacked into files and records of current employees of both SM and the Universal Music Group company they were currently stationed in. Material for blackmail was all around them and it was always Ryo’s job to find it and exploit them with a different kind of extortion that would get them exactly what they wanted. “Can you boot out Soyoung to?”
“No.” Jin pulled away, his voice stern even with the tears muffling his voice. “You can’t do that.”
“He’s a distracation.”
“N-No he isn’t. Please, don’t do this.” No more pain. That was Jin’s objective for not only himself, but also for the others around him. Jun knew the cost of complying to this order, but if Jin felt so strongly about it, then, for now, he’d sit back and observe the strength and determination Soyoung apparently had to get him this far.
Out Of Coffee: ...
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Bully magnet.
xxxxxBully bait.
xxxxxxxxxxBully candy.
Such titles always applied to Soyoung and it seemed that even after he escaped that hellhole city he lived in before, he'd still somehow stumble upon someone who didn't want to just give him a break. And the stubborn boy just stared up at his bully Hunsoo with the same face devode of any emotion. To show fear was their food, to be cocky was their entertainment, so there was nothing else to do and it wasn't like he cared to make any other face anyway. "Ohh~ Look boys, a tough guy!" "I worked really hard to get this. Just let me go." "Yeah I'm sure it's hard work to..." Hunsoo continued to speak very vulgar assumption of how Soyoung worked hard to get his spot in the crew but Soyoung tuned it out as his eyes flinted to his right when he heard something. He felt the elation in his chest to see Jinhwa had spotted his predicament, but just as soon as that happened, Jun came along to pull him away and even though Jin struggled, Jun was successful. Soyoung couldn't fathom what just happened. He was abandoned again. But this time, it wasn't strangers on the street. It was his own coworkers. And that alone was a blow harder than any he'd felt on his face.
"Hey queer-sack I'm talking to you!" Hunsoo said with a violent grab of the male's chin, forcing it to face the bully. Soyoung's eyes just stayed straight ahead instead of up into Hunsoo's face. "Well I wasn't listening." Keep your mouth shut, he'd always tell himself. But it never worked. "Ahh he's a brave little d--k s--ker, isn't he b-" The 6 foot bully didn't get the chance to finish his sentence as Soyoung's cold-infected phelm flew straight to his mouth. Soyoung just never learned his lesson, and this was a prime example. The male's enrage face warned Soyoung of the fist that only took a second to jolt back and fly forward but this was a move he was used to. So with a simply evasion to the right, he lunged downward and sunk his elbow into the diaphragm of the right lackey, straightened back up and kicked Hunsoo in the stomach, then reached over to his right where he socked the left-side lackey in the cheekbone all within a short moment. The three goons didn't expect such a fight from an effeminate being like Soyoung and so they didn't see it coming and the new-found backup dancer hoped his attacks were enough to run away on. He hopped the the northwest of him to try to escape between Hunsoo and the guy on his left, but right when he though he made a getaway, Hunsoo's long arm reached out and around Soyoung's face where fingers clawed to force the boy back to face his way. Hunsoo was not about to get attacked by the likes of him and let the boy get away with it. The hand that clawed reached up and got a handful of Soyoung's hair to keep him in place as they both made a double attack, Soyoung uppercutting Hunsoo's jaw as Hunsoo landed his fist into Soyoung's lower left stomach.
"HEY!" Rae's voice boomed and echoed down the hall. Hunsoo kept a firm grip on Soyoung's hair and the other two lackeys were on either side of Soyoung, but they all took a moment to glance at the authoritative source of the voice. But it was just the other dancer punk that made it in and he could watch and enjoy the show for all they cared. "This may be pretty small, but" Rae called out at a distance, walking forward as he lifted and showed his iphone to the four of them. ...it records 480p mp4 videos, meaning it's getting a perfect detailed view of all your faces. You can let him go and I don't show the video, or you can continue and I have the entire thing recorded." They didn't have much of a choice. "Let go of him." Hunsoo shoved Soyoung forward by the root of his hair as the boy stumbled forward. "Soh?!" It was now that Rae could see who he was. "Three against one, Hunsoo? Really? Are we in elementary school, you sick ********] Despite the seething pain in his lower left abdomen, Soyoung walked straight-up, fingers shaking at his side but he tried to suppress it as best as he could. Rae looked at him with horrified eyes. But Rae kept the camera on them. "Out those exit doors. Now." Heavy-breathing thugs turned to the exit doors that were a one-way, since they were actually planning on leaving in the first place before Hunsoo decided to take out all his anger on the one who crossed his path.
Rae turned with Soyoung who was quiet and stiff, as if purposefully trying to stop the shaking. "Are you seriously hurt, man? You need to go to a doctor?!" "No." Soyoung's voice was full of an evident and justified anger. "Dude, your face is dripping blood." It was from when Hunsoo reached around and clawed him in the face with his jaggedly bitten nails. At thin trail of blood started beside the left corner of Soyoung's lip and down to his chin. "It's fine." His voice was deeper than usual and quick to finish any statement with chipped off words. "This nearby breakroom has a freezer with ice and some tissue." They entered the room and locked it behind them, just in case. Soyoung was a silent brooder, rage seeping out of every pore he had and his eyes a frightening dead stare as he took off his top layer shirt, wearing his black muscle shirt beneath, and gather a heap of ice into his over shirt for a makeshift rag. "We have to tell the Al[tria] guys." "We're not telling anyone," Soyoung demanded coldly as he pressed the ice to his aching area and sat on the sofa next to Rae. "What?! Why not?! Those guys' plane isn't until tomorrow night. They might want revenge or some s**t!" "Because two of them already know and I'm not going to bother the other three with my issues." Soyoung was behaving unlike he'd ever behaved around Rae, but for understandable reasons. "What do you mean two of them already know?!" "They saw it and they abandoned me." Well, a particular one put forth at least a little effort but he apparently cared more about what Jun wanted him to do rather than what he should have done.
"WHAT?! Are you sure? You sure you didn't see someone else? If it was one of the guys, all they would have to do is walk up and the thugs would have been off of you." A strong surge of pain went to Soyoung's stomach and he groaned audibly with a dramatic wince, hissing a second later. "I know." Rae stared. "It couldn't have been one of them. Which ones?" "Don't worry about it." "This is no time to be secretive, man! Spit it out!" "I said don't worry about it." Rae fell silent as he stared blankly at the boy in pain. After Soyoung had a moment of silence, he finally said it. "Thanks," he groaned. "Oh don't mention it. I just remembered that time you said you'd be right back and you took forever and so this time I tried to find you because I was bored. Lucky thing, eh? Well, anyone would have helped, except for whoever it was that saw you before me...They're apparently an exception." "You're wrong." Soyoung swallowed hard and coughed, pain jolting with every flex of his stomach. "You're the first person to ever come to my aid. So, with that being said, I really appreciate it. Thanks, man." Rae's eyes bugged. "You mean this has happened before??!" Soyoung stayed quiet for a moment before eyes landed on the tissue box across the room. "Could you grab me a bunch of tissues?" Rae jumped to do it and handed them as Soyoung began wiping at the drying blood on his face.
"So what started it? Why were they messing with you?" Soyoung was back to the cold face that represented his anger. "Mad I made it and they didn't, mixed with homophobia." "Homophobia? What were they homophobic of?" Soyoung paused what he was doing to stare with the most agitated look on his face. In moments like this, his patience really was thin. "What do you think they were homophobic of?" Rae stared idiotically. "You really didn't know? I'm gay, Rae." Angry eyes looked away from his friend as he looked down at the red tissue to flip it to its clean side. He expected it: the freak out and the renunciation of a friendship because straight guys just couldn't be friends with gay guys apparently. The straight male sat dumbfounded for a second, trying to wrap that around his head. "You're...gay?!" "Don't worry! It's not ******** contagious," Soyoung declared in all his annoyance. Rae, however, just shook his hands out at Soyoung spasticly. "No, no, no, dude! It's cool! I mean...if you like guys, that's your thing I guess...I just, uh....I've never had a gay friend before..." Soyoung was able to calm down at least a little even though his hands still shook and his stomach felt like it was going to explode.
It came so quickly, he wasn't able to stop it! The sneeze hurdled itself up his sinuses and out it came in a flaming vengeance that burned his aching stomach that flexed in response. "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrr...ffffffffuuuuuuuuck....." he groaned out as he hunched over in agony. "Aw s**t, man! That cold! You definitely did catch it from Jin. You need to go home!" "No." "Seriously, Soh! You can't dance like that. Look, Yeongsu's a caring guy. He and I can both escort you so they don't mess with you on the w-" "No!" "Why not?!" "Because they didn't hire me to take sick leave or injury leave. I'm here to work." "Now you're sounding like Jin." Bing! "Oh heyyyy....You have a crush on Jin don't you? Spending money on him and all that." "No." Rae gave him a suspicious eye. "Six dollars of stuff when you can barely buy ramen every night?" "I said no. I already told you I just wanted to make him feel better. I just hate seeing people sick. I don't go for his type." He didn't go for the kind of guy that would abandon him in his time of need. He went for the type that would pummel any Jun or even any Yeongsu to the ground to get to him and save him, even if they were only on the basis of acquaintance. He was sick of people abandoning him or shoving him away. Jin was no longer Soyoung's object of affection. Soyoung decided such that very moment.
The pain ran deeper than his nerves. Why did he always idealize people? All it ever did to him was cause his heartache. Jin, taller and wider than Jun, chose to go with Jun's demands. What if Hunsoo was just twisted enough to brandish a knife? What if Soyoung got seriously injured? Normally, he wouldn't think so "selfishly" about a situation like that, but it was true that all they would have had to do was walk down the hall and make their selves known. But they chose to leave him. It was beyond him as to why and he wasn't sure he wanted to find out. From now on, S.M. was business and nothing else! "Woah, dude..." Rae peered down at his phone, replaying the bit he got to record. "You straight upper-cut him WHILE he punched you in the stomach! And the dude behind you was just finally recuperating from whatever you did to him while the other one is rubbing his cheek. For a gay guy, you really can fight!" "Are you serious right now?!" Soyoung exclaimed with immense agitation. "That 'for a gay guy' bullshit needs to end." Rae blinked once more. "Oh, uhh....sorry dude, I uhh...I didn't mean it like that, man." Soyoung sighed and leaned his head back against the sofa, closing his eyes. "Rae...I'm sorry. You saved my a** and I'm talking to you like this. I'm really s-" "You just got mugged, basically, and your stomach hurts. Your grouchy mood is 100% understood. Don't even apologize." Soyoung opened his eyes and rolled his head to the left to look at Rae. "I know i'm really dumb sometimes. I just haven't known that many gay guys yet and I'm learning, alright? Okay note to self: never end a sentence with 'for a gay guy'." Soyoung smiled weakly.
"But I mean seriously! Good job handling three guys at once." "It's nothing to commend me about." "What?! Man you're crazy. You just-" "It's a common humanistic trait called self-preservation instinct. Mine glitches out sometimes. I talk too much. In general life as well as in situations like that, I have a tenancy to run my mouth. If I say I won't talk to someone who I know can't stand me, something makes me do it anyway. But in scenarios like that, I defend myself verbally to the point that I piss off the attacker and get my face reorganized. So fighting back is only natural, and it's not praise-worthy." "You just need to learn how to take a compliment." Soyoung rolled his eyes. "Well, I do thank you for your kind words. But I most thank you for not abandoning me. You're a brave person. Most people think to their self 'there's nothing I can do to help' and they walk away." Soyoung's eyes went distant and Rae looked at him in disbelief. How many times had Soyoung experienced such things? Did people really see it and ignore it? "Soh...other than your hurting stomach...are you okay? As in are you really okay?" No! "Yeah, just a little shook up, ya know." Rae watched him. Never once did Soyoung shed a tear. Never once did his chin tremble in the temptation to cry.
"I'll ask one more time: Are you positive you don't want me to go get Yeongsu and we can take you home?" "Positive. I'm a very self-sufficient guy. I don't need other people." It was a weird thing to say. And it was a weird thing for Rae to hear. Didn't Soyoung need someone in the hallway just then? "Dancing won't be a problem." "I really don't think you should dance, Soh. Seriously. Please. That routine is a monster, man, you know that. Rest is your friend, Soh." Soyoung was being a hypocrite. Yesterday, he was telling Jin over and over again that he should sleep and maybe even go to the hospital. But now look at him, disregarding Rae's concerns. On top of the fact that he had a stomach injury, he had a cold that was getting worse by the second. He pinched his nose to stifle an upcoming sneeze until it went away. He stood up from the sofa and walked over to the breakroom's sink, dumping the ice cubes from his wadded up shirt.
The boys left the room and headed to the practice room where there was supposed to be their first full-group practice, Al[tria] members and backup dancers altogether. The other three dancers were already stretching and Soyoung went straight to the wall where he put his hand high up, angled his feet away, and leaned to stretch the sore stomach muscles. The urge to bellow out in pain hit him fiercely, but he remained silent with a grimace upon his face. But he preferred thinking about the pain because he had just made the realization that pretty soon, his abandoners would enter the room: Jin and Jun. He didn't know how his heart was going to take it. He knew Jin couldn't stand him. But there was a certain point where "can't stand" became "doesn't give a flying s**t about." And it hurt far more than he wanted to consciously admit. 'I don't need him, just like I didn't need anyone else for two years.' But that wasn't true. He spent that two years hoping he'd find someone to keep him company and to need him back. 'I'm perfect by myself. Bullies can beat me black and blue, but I'll still stand at the end of the day. I'm self sufficient. I don't need anyone's money or their personal care. I have myself.'
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Memories were a funny thing. It ran deep D
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………………………………...................................N corners within him that manifested a lie waiting to happen. Perhaps it was like a façade blurring a reality he never meant to lay his hands on, and yet there was no way in avoiding it because what laid ahead was already there, waiting for him with the sound of voices and the images of smiles he couldn’t take a second glance at whenever they were offered as sincerely as Soyoung’s heart kindly portrayed. But it never mattered, right? It was a lie, wasn’t it? Jin’s eyes were crystal orbs dulled in the silence that usually showed itself at the dead of night where nightmares hid behind the shadows of his fears. Fingers locked on to the cottony material at Jun’s back with one hand as the other fixed upon the sleeve of Ayako’s blouse. “We need to call Yeongsu.” An irritable twitch of Jun’s brow denied the aide spoken so freely from lips that never once uttered such a name until two weeks ago when everything changed. “He doesn’t know s**t! What the ******** can he possibly do? Hope the bullshit will magically disappear? He needs to ******** focus like the rest of us. Just because Yeongsu-”
“Don’t.” Amidst Jun’s small tirade, the low, quiet whisper was still able to slice right through mounds of discomfort like that same lethal blade plunged deep within Ayako’s swollen heart. She was still so confused like the rest of them, still at odds with her own self for getting into this mess in the first place, but wasn‘t that how the situation always presented itself with the image of her head served on a platter whenever something dangerous came strolling along? Ryo was there after all. His presence always meant something tragic, devastating and life-altering for the rest of the world caught in the web of his lies. They were never safe around him, but as always, Jun thought otherwise. Ayako‘s grip on Jin shifted when Jun slowly stood out of the other‘s embrace as he allowed her to take his place. “Where are you going?”
“Just stay there with Jin.” With much reluctance, Ayako did as she was told. She tried to ignore her own curiosity, as well as that undying need to know exactly what the blond stared at behind the screen of Ryo’s laptop, but it was proven so much more difficult than she first expected when assumptions ran amok. Irksome and bothersome as it was, She freed her mind from the many queries whirled about and tended to the man that shook profusely in her arms. “He saw us and we didn‘t do anything.” he whimpered into her ear. “He needed help and we ran away. Why did we have to do it again? Why does it have to happen again? Why couldn’t I do anything? I-It’s all my fault. He came near and it‘s all my fault.” To hush his weeping heart meant a world of understanding that she couldn’t reach, let alone preach as if she knew how he felt or how the fires of his guilt seared every scarred tissue opening the floodgates to an indescribable pain Jin experienced time and time again. Ayako could stream her fingers through his hair, tell him that everything was going to be okay, but it would never relinquish the cries burrowing deep within a cavern riddled with heartache. “It’s never your fault Jin. The people around us are just messed up.” He would clutch at her back, arms winding around her with a hold so tight she could hardly breathe. Although, none of that really mattered when she cared about his wellbeing far more than her own self. Jin could squeeze the life out of her for all she cared because as long as he was alright, then that was all she could ever ask for.
Ayako just wanted him to smile again.
Jun stayed silent for the most part, eyes watching, staring and as he intended from the very beginning, he observed the struggle splayed over the monitor that recorded the whole dispute one frame at a time. “It’s like UFC boxing.” Ryo’s reckless comment earned him a swift kick to the leg from the boy who stood stiffly beside him. “Jeez, I’m just saying I expected something else. Don’t gotta be so mean about it.” His fat bottom lip shaped into a distinguished pout of displeasure that Jun never took notice of. Not like Ryo blamed him for being the way he was because when it came to Jin, the blond always was the type that hung by the edge leading down to an overwhelming bout of responsibility that ensured Jin’s safety by any means possible. If Yeongsu or the others were out of Jin’s reach due to business obligation and the like, Jun would make it his number one priority to stay near the stoic individual, despite the other’s constant need to be near the only one that really mattered to him. For reasons unbeknownst to others, Yeongsu was Jin’s outlet to a peace and tranquil state of mind that defined the Utopia he sought out for. They knew the reason why and evidently enough, that reason alone revolved around the way Yeongsu perceived himself with not only his stride confidence, but also the way he cared about others so much.
“Just so you know, I’m telling Yeongsu everything that just transpired and what ever action he takes will be beyond my control when I show him this feed.” All humor subsided in those short moments where hell froze over with that frigid stare boring a hole right through Ryo’s skull. “Outside. Right. Now.” He said through gritting teeth, the two leaving without another exchange of words. It was just like them to have their secrets that left Ayako and Jin behind as they wondered, assumed and stumbled over the possibilities of their discussion in full agonizing detail jabbing with exaggerated content that made them worry so much more than necessary. “Where are you going?” This time, she questioned Jin who had slowly parted ways, while knees buckled to stand as he made his way toward the unattended laptop still documenting the most gruesome beating that came about within the walls of an entertainment company. Jin wasn’t as hostile as she expected him to be nor did he even try to exit the room. He just bee-lined his way behind that screen where curiosity took the hold of them both as Ayako and Jin bore witness to a struggle they weren’t meant to see. A fist sinking into Soyoung’s abdomen must have stilled reality altogether or at least slowed it by a considerable amount that made feeling his pain a whole different kind of experience turning Ayako’s head away from the brutality of mankind. This wasn’t supposed to happen - it wasn’t supposed to be like this! And by the time everything was done and over it, Jin was nowhere to be seen.
“Jin!” He was standing right behind her just a few seconds ago. How could he disappear without a trace?! “Jin! Where are you!?” she couldn’t explain it, she couldn’t even fathom the reason to her tears, but that familiar weight grappling in fear plummeted from the heavens in an enraged fury forming into boulders and anvils crushing her soul. It was then, as Ayako turned another corner, that a little bit of relief washed over her when she saw Ryo and Jun from a distance, hoping that she’d see Jin tagging right behind them like he always did. But there was no one in sight - no one that took the form of the man who was scared and regretful of the things he must have saw. “Where’s Jin?”
“H-He was standing behind me…He lo-looked at the computer and he left-- I don’t know where he went.”
“********] They all sprinted back to where Jin was last seen and without any clue of his current whereabouts, panic sank in with a fury emblazed through the dark pupils of Jun’s slated eyes. “Play back the recording and see where Hunsoo and the others went.” Each second was as grueling as the next, watching bodies and fists reverse as the final act aimed toward the back door Soyoung’s attackers exited from. Curses bit at the tip of his tongue, a surge of electricity already constricting him of every breath he took as that need to collapse wrapped a hand around Ayako’s slender wrist. “W-We have to…W-We--” Jun tried to shake himself out of it, but the stupor tensing every fiber of his trembling body fell into a world of expectations already playing through his thoughts. The splash of crimson along with the wails of pure torment surfaced at the forefront of his mind, haunting him like a bad dream waiting to happen. He didn’t even notice Ayako shaking him by the shoulders until his cheek stung by polished fingers slapping him across the face. “Jun!” She screamed, her tears forming rivers down her face.
“What’s going on!? Where is he?!” But he spoke not a word for the first time in a long while as eyes refused to look up at her. “Jin’s near by. We’re not to late.” Quick thinking pulled up numerous traffic cameras switching from one perspective after another as Ryo followed Jin’s movements as best as he could with the limited angels his hacking abilities could provide. Ryo knew where he was going and it was all that mattered as the monitor fixed upon one set location he assume Jin would be. “We’re going on ahead. Get Yeongsu as fast as you can and meet us at this place. Do you know where this is?” She took no time in nodding her head, because by the time she set her eyes upon the screen, she already bolted out the door within seconds to retrieve the only person that could talk some sense into the man that was going to make the biggest mistake in his life.
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Just like he repeated over and over, and over again, this entire predicament was his fault. He couldn’t fix it because he was afraid to. He couldn’t jump the gun and do what he believed in because restraint of one’s actions was what Jin assumed had saved him from his own self. Ryo knew that, Jun witnessed it first hand, and Jin made far to many mistakes for excuses to come about the way they constantly did. The problem of it all was only a foot or so away from him, walking across the street - feet trudging down the asphalt where walls at either side of him formed a quiet alleyway. His heart pounded in his chest ruthlessly, nails digging into the palm of his hands and before he could stop himself, Jin’s pace quickened and quickened even further to exceed the echoes emanating from the one that was finally in arm’s reach. And with that extended hand Jin reached - oh how he reached and clawed into the collar of his target’s shirt and twirled him around to meet with knuckles that sunk deep into features caught off guard by the sudden blow. Hunsoo stumbled back and it was such a surprise he was still left standing by the impact cupping a hand over his broken nose. Not even a fraction of a second had passed when Jin’s advances pressed on and rushed the man who’s free hand used the brick wall as some sort of support. There was no room to recover, no room to react, and not even any room to think because an enclosed fist was quickly in the process of pulling back for another attack. But gravity was so cruel at that moment and the buckling of knees gave in with Hunsoo plummeting to the floor just as Jin was about to meet with flesh and bone once more.
Hunsoo’s fall was so sudden and so on cue with the incoming assault that his primary focus was out of Jin’s line of sight before he could prevent his fist from driving right into the wall. The pain couldn’t register quite well and it was as if the high possibility for fractures and dislocations ceased to exist because there was no time to worry about that when arms strangled his waist and Hunsoo rammed Jin back into the adjacent wall. But Jin was always quick on his feet with another onslaught of pain in the form of a right hook square into Hunsoo’s left cheek. There was no sign of remorse as Jin watched him crumble to the floor without an ounce of emotion scathing cold features adjusting his gaze upon a steel pipe that conveniently leaned against a dumpster not too far away from where he stood. In the little time it took to walk over and grab his weapon of choice, he heard two pairs of voices calling out his name. They were slowly approaching him - telling him something he really couldn’t understand as the adrenaline and rage blinded Jin of the world around him. He just went about his business and planted his feet firmly upon Hunsoo’s heaving chest where he laid struggling in his own delirium. “You hurt him.” An arm drew back with the lethal steel suspended in the air. “He was nice to me.” And the fingers that once trembled in self-doubt had now tightened around the bar waiting for its cue. “You won’t hurt him or anyone again.” Because the steel that flew down toward Jin’s captor would ensure his words held true with a promise Jin and Ryo helplessly watched on in fright. But between the milliseconds it took for him to swing and for the pipe to collide with the other’s face, his elbow locked in place at the sound of Yeongsu’s voice. “Jin!!” He was so close in bashing Hunsoo’s face in that the distance between flesh and steel was mere millimeters apart where hesitation practically saved the other’s life. “Jin step away from him right now.” But how could he do that? How could Jin make him live for what he had done to a person who did nothing but smile towards others? “He hurt him.”
“I know he did and he’ll pay for what he’s done by another’s hands. I‘ll make sure of it. Now give me the pipe.” As much as he didn’t want to and as much as his vengeful thoughts refused to let it go, Yeongsu had calmed him enough to pry the weapon out of his hands. Jin was as stiff as a board, mind devoid of anything sensible to think, let alone how he should have reacted when Yeongsu pulled him into his arms. Nature just took its course and allowed the tears to spill, while Ryo called a taxi. “A 20 minute wait.” Seemed reasonable enough, what with all the traffic around this city. And besides, it gave them enough time to check Jin’s injuries when they made there way back to the practice room where backup dancers stood there in disbelief.
Yeongsu sat Jin back against the wall, hands attentively gliding up Jin’s arms, checking for any signs of dislocations he could fix before Jin made his way to the hospital. Fingers slowly ran along every joint from the tips of fingers to the elbow, and it wasn’t until he ended at Jin’s shoulder that he noticed a slight protrusion where joints popped out of place. “Anterior dislocation.” Yeongsu muttered to himself. “Is this your first time dislocating your shoulder?” To his surprise, Jin shook his head from side to side. “Alright, I’m going to relocate it.
“Yeong, you’re not a professional in this type of stuff. It’s best to-”
“I did this a number of times before. I need to fix this sooner than later. Alleviating the pressure from nerves that may be pinched along the abnormal juncture between his joints will not only reduce his pain, but give him a better chance in healing quicker than expected. Trust me, I studied this before I could even learn how to ride a bike.” Which was true for the most part, but that was besides the point. Yeongsu needed to get this situation under control before anything else unexpected came running through that door. So as carefully as possible, Yeongsu guided Jin to lean further back, bending the injured arm by the elbow at a 90 degree angle. From there he did the necessary rotations that would reduce the pain of what he was going to do next by a noticeable amount as he prepared Jin for another series of instructions. “I need you to take deep breaths for me and focus on relaxing your muscles.” He said, taking a good hold upon Jin’s arm as he straightened as much as he could and suspended it in front of him. “Alright, now look at me. Remember when I said once we sell over 10,000 copies I’ll be able to read your journal.” A peaceful and relaxing thought he could escape from: that was Yeongsu’s goal with eyes never leaving the males’ who had nodded his head. “You’re a really difficult person to understand and it’ll be a relief that you’ll have at least one person to know you from the inside out, right?” And yet another nod came about - eyes training upon those auburn orbs, while Yeongsu’s hands were now seconds away from pulling Jin’s shoulder back into place. All the while, Jun and the others were surrounding them at a breathable distance that gave a little sense of support Jin needed as Ayako came in close to run a hand up and down Jin’s uninjured arm. “But then, being successful will be a relief within itself, isn’t it? You’ll have fans calling out your name and admiring you for the person that you are. On stage, the limelight of our career will make us forget about the shadows of our past and all we have to put forth is great determination and strength.”
Pop!
Without warning, a mixture of pain and great relief let out a silent cry burying Jin’s face into the hollow of Yeongsu’s neck. From his shoulder to his perspective on life, everything seemed aligned as it should have been from the very start. But that didn’t stop Yeongsu from lifting his gaze upon the two that waited for him back at the alleyway. “What happened?” Yeongsu’s voiced strained with tired contempt, unable to make out what just came about. And for a the first time Yeongsu’s ears had ever experienced before, Jun stayed quiet with his solemn gazed intentionally dodging dark orbs darting between the two before him. “There was a fight in the hallway and--”
“Aya!” Jun snapped in warning, silencing the girl who bent her head forward into submission. It was unsettling to do so, especially when Ayako always spoke her mind no matter who she was with or how inappropriate the subject revolved around. But after all that just went down, Ayako finally realized that it wasn’t her place to say a word from there on. No one said nothing, no one took the time to fill Yeongsu in on the details of this fight he knew little to nothing about. So seeing that the dancers had nothing to do with this, he thought dismissing them was the best thing to do, before he really drilled his anger into those that held the answers to this problem. “Practice is canceled. Show up tomorrow morning at 5 A.M. and prepare to dance until midnight. You‘re all dismiss.” Harsh as it was, the anger pulled all the shots on that call and for all it was wroth, Yeongsu wasn’t to blame due to the level of animosity burrowing in deep at his very core. He said nothing more, watching the dancer’s make their way out the door as a few of them stole one last glance at the injured member cradled in Yeongsu’s arms.
"I won't be able to dance. I can't do anything and I-"
"Don't worry yourself about that. No matter what our manager or anyone else says, I promise with my life they won't be able to pull you out of this group. You're with us to the end, you hear me?" It was so hard to believe when any type of dislocation of the shoulder took 4-8 weeks (or even longer) to fully recover. He'd been through it before after all, and with Al[tria]'s debut in 6 weeks, replacing him seemed like a thing SM would surely do, especially when they haven't even debuted in the first place. "It'll heal in time. You have me, Ayako and everyone else, remember. I'll make sure you're on that stage no matter what. Just trust me. We're in this together." He needed the reassurance from Yeongsu, Jun and the rest who stood by Jin's side telling him all the positive things that would assemble the broken pieces of his heart back together again.
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Three enraged bullies sauntered off into the streets together to just go somewhere maybe a bar, maybe a club, it didn't matter. They were pissed to an otherworldly degree. Junchin's diaphragm ached, Seung's cheek was throbbing, and Hunsoo's jaw was feeling worse for wear all because a little prissy boy threw them completely off guard. If only they knew he had a fight in him, there was no way he would have been able to touch them, or at least that's what they told their selves in their head to make their pride feel better. And now they wanted a chance to redeem that pride. If only that damned Rae kid stayed out of it, Soyoung would have learned his lesson to not get so brave with the likes of them. But since those kids would no doubt be in the SM building for hours, they had to do something to pass the infuriating time. Prides were bruised far worse than their bodies and nothing hurt a testosterone-controlled man more. "I'm out of smokes," Seung complained as they walked down the street. "Lets go to a convenient store." "Yeah," Junchin groaned. Long drags on a cigarette was what the boys thought they needed right now. "Naw, you guys do that and catch up with me later," the contemplative Hunsoo said with little to no emotion. "There's that strip club nearby that's open at this time. I'll be there." To Hunsoo, naked chicks and beer sounded far better than a pack of cigarettes.
The boys shrugged an vocalized in agreement and split ways. Hunsoo was, in a way, thankful for the time to be alone. He wasn't much of a conversationalist in those moments anyway. That damn face was haunting his every thought and pissing him off worse than he already was. He put on a haughty act in front of his goons because that was his job as the "badass leader" they relied on to feel like they were a part of something to brag about and be proud of. But really, the way Soyoung looked up at him without an ounce of fear wouldn't leave his thoughts and he wanted so badly to punch that face and make it show some kind of negative emotion. That boy's very own spit had flung in his face but even in that moment, Soyoung didn't scrunch a single muscle or even narrow his eyes in his anger at the horrid things Hunsoo called him. Hell! He had even forced Soyoung to stand straight as he socked him in the stomach and even when a huff of pain sounded from his mouth, there was barely a facial expression to mirror it. He hated kids like Soyoung, but yet Soyoung wasn't very classifiable was he? But nonetheless, he hated those prissy boys like him with subtle features and eye-catching mannerisms. Soyoung, Key, Heechul, and even that little ******** from Infinite named Sungjong were all created by the devil himself to drive good wholesome men like Hunsoo away from a righteous life. Guys weren't supposed to be that pretty or eye-catching. They weren't supposed to be feminine or attract other men. That was what women were made for and all that those kinds of boys did was send straight men like Hunsoo to hell! Which is why they deserved to have the gay beaten out of them.
It wasn't enough that Hunsoo was so damn close to achieving a spot as an official Al[tria] member and was somehow beaten out by that b***h Jun and tramp Ryo, both effeminate and it was beyond him how SM would choose them over him. He was so close to achieving that fame and glory he'd live in well, having all the women he wanted and all the riches he desired. And then it also wasn't enough that he still was not chosen as even a [******** backup dancer. Who beats him? Not only two chicks but that revolting Soyoung who kept taking his attention off of dancing and onto him. He was molded and formed by the devil! There was no doubt of it! The devil sent him to those auditions just to distract Hunsoo and cause him not to learn as efficiently as he could have! On nights he could have spent extra time rehearsing, he was stuck with no choice but to go to strip clubs to get that slutty f*****t out of his head. It wasn't Hunsoo's fault! It was Soyoung's, Key's, Heechul's, Sungjong's, and any other hellish creation like them that was to blame! Hunsoo was a good man and he wasn't about to be soiled like Yeongsu was and that's why he did what he did. He was already fuming over his double-loss and so when he saw that slender figure gliding down that hallway, he was filled with so much rage that it couldn't fit inside his own body anymore. It had to be transferred to Soyoung.
Such were the thoughts that busied Hunsoo's mind as he made that short-cut between buildings to his main hangout ever since he flew over to Japan. He was thinking so intensely and with such burning anger that he didn't even sense the presence closing in on him, nor hear Jin's footsteps. It was another way that Soyoung proved to be an abomination created only to bring about the straight-man's downfall because if it wasn't for him keeping his thoughts so busy, Hunsoo would have been able to realize and prepare for the attack coming for him. But the cumbucket proved his use to Satan because Hunsoo was quickly shifted around and there he met pain that no doubt tripled in the pain he caused his demise, Soyoung.
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"Tssssssss," Soyoung sucked in due to his pain. He had just gotten done stretching out his stomach, hoping it would lessen the pain he'd no doubt feel when their bodies were forced to move about in ways that would send him into the hell that Hunsoo thought he came from. But such a hiss was heard by the growingly adept ears of his friend. "Seriously, man, you should sit this practice o-" "Stop." It's all Soyoung felt he needed to say because explaining himself any further to his adamant buddy was apparently useless. But that was when the door opened to show the entrance of four Al[tria] members and a model that Soyoung immediately turned away from. The room was large and so Soyoung decided to go to the very opposite of where they were, Rae following as the other three dancers just stood where they were to listen and watch to the strange scene. Soyoung didn't expect that Jin was hurt or that anything was off because he willfully kept turned away and purposefully did not look into the mirrored walls that would reflect what was going on at the other end. He just sat down on the floor where he began stretching his legs and reaching out to his toes, that pain in his stomach multiplying as inflamed organs were being smooshed.
"Soyoung, I'm positive that it was not any of the Al[tria] guys that saw and left you. None of them would do that, okay? I'm sure you just saw someone else who might have been dressed similarly. Remember, more goes on in this building than just us. People are all over the place, and-" Rae could say all he wanted but Soyoung saw what he saw. The stratching boy just let Rae ramble as much as he wanted to as he suppressed the instinct to groan in pain. "Are you ever going to start stretching or what?" Their conversation made the distant speaking of Yeongsu nearly inaudible, leaving the boy ignorant as to what was going on. It wasn't until he heard the audible gasped from his newly selected coworkers that he had the instant to turn around and see what they were gasping about. All he saw was Jin's head sink into Yeongsu's shoulder and Soyoung definitely didn't understand what was going on. Was it possible Jinhwa felt remorse for leaving him? Did Jinhwa differ from the people who walked past and never gave a second thought about Soyoung's predicaments? Maybe Jinhwa truly did try to help him and Jun just somehow figured out a way to keep him from doing it? Maybe...What if...Maybe... He could feel that little bud of affection bloom a little in his chest but he ceased it as soon as he realized it. Jinhwa is probably just feeling sicker than before and needs to lay down. Whatever was going on with Jin had nothing to do with Soyoung and the boy decided he wasn't going to allow any feelings for him to resurface!
"Practice is canceled. Show up tomorrow morning at 5 A.M. and prepare to dance until midnight. You‘re all dismissed." Soyoung blinked up at the distant authoritative figure. Cancelled? Jinhwa really must be extremely sick if practice has been cancelled! He supposed it was a blessing in disguise, considering that he honestly was not in the physical shape to dance. Resting was a good idea. But this also meant that he would be forced to dance for far more hours than normal with a sore stomach. With that realization reached, he thought he liked the idea of just practicing today to be a lot better. But he couldn't change the mind of his leader, and so he wasn't going to try to. Not to mention, Soyoung never wanted to trouble anyone. So in all his frustration, he got up and retrieved his bag, leaving with Rae and the other three dancers. "Wait, Soh, not so fast!" Rae declared as Soyoung was heading straight for the exit. The boy paused and looked back at Rae who walked up to the other three dancers who were already talking together. Soyoung walked up to listen in agitation.
"We're all going to go hang out somewhere. Not sure where that place would be yet, but you two are totally invited if you want to come," said one of the girls. "Awesome! Yeah we'd lo-" "Thanks so much," Soyoung interjected. No matter how pissed he was or how much pain he was in, he'd still smile at others, however weakly it might be. "But I'm turning in early tonight. Rae, you have fun, okay?" But that defeated the entire purpose that Rae had for even asking what the other dancers were doing in the first place! He was first hoping they could all walk home together, but that's when she explained that they had prior plans to hang out. Well, in that case, RAe wanted to hang out with them so that Hunsoo would never bother them! He knew about guys like Hunoo, Seung, and Junchin! They hold grudges like they could save their lives when their pride were stomped! All of the auditioners were staying in the same hotel and a run-in could easily happen! After seeing what Hunsoo did to Soyoung, he couldn't bear the idea of anything worse happening to his friend. After all, Rae had a true caring streak when it came to people he deemed his friends.
"Wuh?! No, Soh! Come on~ Hang with us!" Hint, hint hint!! No matter how weird Rae's suggesting and cluing eyes looked, Soyoung's stand on the situation would not change. "It's cool, Rae. Just have fun. I'm really sleepy." Another smile and he turned around toward the exit again. Rae sighed heavily, turning to his new coworkers. "I guess that means I won't be coming along either. Thanks for the invite. Maybe next time, eh?" And as soon as that happened, Rae trotted over to Soyoung and gently grabbed his upper arm. The girls turned to each other to giggle and debate whether Rae and Soyoung were lovers or not as the guy with them just cringed in discomfort. "Okay, okay, I'm coming with you. Can you just wait with me for a second? I just realized that I left my duffel bag in the practice room. Come with me. No seriously into the practice room with me. It'll take a moment." Soyoung didn't want to enter that damned room with Jun and Jin awaiting inside and Rae saw it on his face. He leaned in sincerely. "Look, dude. You're going to be working with them for the next 6 months. Even if you're right and it was some of them that left you, you still have to see them every day from here on out and you have no choice but to deal with that. I doubt Hunsoo and them came back into the building but do you really want to chance that they have? It'll only take a second. Come with me as I get my bag." Why did Rae talk so much sense when Soyoung did not want him to? It was when matters were trivial that Rae was so clueless and sometimes unbearable. But the point was valid and so Soyoung begrudgingly entered the room at the opposite end of where the Al[tria] members were standing and stayed right there as Rae walked over to the other end where his bag sat by itself. But what was this? Rae grabbed his bag, alright, but he didn't turn straight around to return to Soyoung. Instead, with his bag hanging off his shoulder, he marched straight up to Yeongsu. "Rae." Soyoung called out calmly. He didn't sound angry or annoyed, just informative that he was ready to leave now and he wasn't in the mood to wait.
But Rae's plan had worked. He thought ahead of time in purposefully leaving his duffel bag behind just in case the plan of walking with their fellow dancers fell through. Well, it did and now he had his excuse to be back in the room with Soyoung to ask the favor of Yeongsu. He still was a firm believer that Soyoung was mistaken. Whoever it was that saw him and abandoned him was not any of the Al[tria] members! Rae was sure of it. "Hey Yeongsu, I hate to bother you. But dude I have a favor to ask of you." Soyoung couldn't hear what he was saying, but he had a damn good idea. "Rae." "Soyoung has a bully right now and he's a bit worse for wear, so to speak. Would you mind escorting us to our room?" "Rae!" "I mean it hurts my pride a bit to ask another dude to help out, but I'm afraid I'm just not all that intimidating to keep the dude off Soyoung...In fact he's pissed at me now too so..." "Bye."
It was a clear statement. He didn't yell it, nor add any anger into it. He was simply just letting Rae know that he was leaving because damn it he was pissed now. He didn't need Yeongsu's help, nor even Rae's. So he turned on his heal and exited the room. Rae shifted his head back quickly. "Soh! Don't be like that! Wait!" But Soyoung was already out the door. Rae turned to Yeongsu. "He's a bit prideful, I guess." And with that, Rae was trotting over to the door on their end of the room. He exited and began jogging down the hall that Soyoung had so hastily walked down. "WHY ARE YOU SO STUBBORN?!" he called out amongst his hastened steps. But Soyoung was paused and his head slightly hunched. "What's up?" Rae said in concern as he continued to slowly walk forward.
Soyoung couldn't let Rae see it! Moments before Rae entered the hall, he felt a little turn of his stomach and up came some blood. It was just a bit of spit-up, really. If it was serious, not only would it be a lot more blood, but he would have started vomiting blood within a minute of being punched. He'd done his personal medical study before because he could rarely afford the hospital bills. And so by this point he new that whatever Hunsoo ruptured was not a vital artery or anything. It was probably just a small ruptured vein that was slowly oozing blood that was gathering and now his body was expelling it. So when he saw the little splash of blood on his palm, he quickly stashed his hand into his bag where he wiped it onto his balled, wet shirt as he looked up at Rae. Not an ounce of the blood showed on his face since Soyoung licked it off of his lips before turning to look at him. The only impurity was the scratch next to the corner of his mouth that Rae had already seen before. "What do you mean? Lets go."
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