The Harry Potter Anti-Guide

[Listo]

The Harry Potter Anti-Guide was sponsored in part by:

The Anti-Guide

Where every horribly horrible cliche is considered a blessing.

Alright, so just in case you don't understand the rules...and you are too lazy to visit the original thread...

...Here's what you do, plain and simple.

You point out, scathingly, sarcastically, all of the cliches, plotholes, etc...basically the stupid things that Harry Potter fanfiction writers do...and then you reverse it, and try to convince newbs that they're a good thing.

I'll start us off, shall I?

* * * * * *

1. Though many refer to Harry as the last Potter, feel free to give him a twin sister anyhow. Who cares if James didn't shout a word about her to Lily that October? Who cares if no one else mentioned her, either? And really, who in the world is going to notice if she decides to start Hogwarts...at the beginning of Harry's fifth, sixth, seventh year?

Oh, that's right.

Draco, possibly Ron...Dean...Neville...

Some random hot Ravenclaw...

Snape...

Not important! So many people are in the market!


2. You do not write about squibs, especially as main characters.

Main character squibs are like a frizzy-haired, non-curvy Hermione in a Hermione/Draco fanfiction.

Baaaaaaaad juju there, man.

[upwoueruwrwhjl]

(( Ahem. this is win. *stalked this thread from the original*))

When writing any story, Draco MUST wind up cooperating with Harry and Co. I cannot stress this enough. Either he should be interested in Hermione/Harry, or he cooperates when Harry appeals to his better nature. Oh, and Crabbe and Goyle just disppear. Nobody cares about THEM.

[Surround Sound]

OMG I dont have anyright now but im soooo subscribing.


this thread is gonna be gold


<3333 brilliant

[Listo]

Draco secretly loathes Lucius's guts.

Really.

He does.

[Theodore Remus Lupin]

Draco may only be calling Ron names because he secretly loves him.

[StargemKitty]

Harry greases his hair every night in memory to Snape, since after all, giving his kid the middle name of Severus, simply wasn't enough. Even when he tried uglifiying it by naming his son Albus Severus.

[Listo]

((Please don't tell me you've really seen him do that... eek ))

If you, by any chance, are writing a Draco/Ginny fanfiction, Harry and Ron must never stand aside and decide 'Hey, it's her funeral...or Death Eater gathering...'. No, they must take it upon themselves to substitute for Arthur and strictly, publicly forbid it. Do not forget to mention many, many, many times precisely, and, if possible, IN CAPITAL LETTERS, what Houses and families Ginny and Draco come from, and exactly why they should hate one another.

[StargemKitty]

Listo

((Please don't tell me you've really seen him do that... eek ))

If you, by any chance, are writing a Draco/Ginny fanfiction, Harry and Ron must never stand aside and decide 'Hey, it's her funeral...or Death Eater gathering...'. No, they must take it upon themselves to substitute for Arthur and strictly, publicly forbid it. Do not forget to mention many, many, many times precisely, and, if possible, IN CAPITAL LETTERS, what Houses and families Ginny and Draco come from, and exactly why they should hate one another.

(What, me? -innocent look-)
Don't forget that during any story, you must say that 'Snape's gaze rested on Harry's eyes longer than usual', because it reminded him of Lily, and he secretly wanted a threesome with her and James.

[SilverZephyr]

Your Slytherin OC MUST be a punk rocker who is cool and doesn't care what anyone thinks, because that in no way contradicts the Slytherin's traditional values. It's totally boring to conform to all the house's actual traits, and Draco Malfoy will be very impressed by your ripped emo jeans.

It is absolutely ESSENTIAL that your character have a deep connection to one or more of the canon cast. Heck, the more the better. To be a good HP character they have to relate to the HP world, after all, and since the attractive boys are the only people in the HP world, that obviously means your character must be the cousin of half of them and girl/boyfriend of the other half. And they must use the dark arts because that's cool but they're really good people, honest.

Snape's love for Lily is old hat, and his complete inability to love like a normal human being must really be a ruse, so you need to create a character that's the total opposite of all the people he even semi-likes in canon because he must secretly want a hot teenager to fall in love with and going with canon is totally boring.

Correct spelling and grammar make a story stuffy and dull and cramp your style, so don't by any means use it. The less literate the better. Hell, write like a five year old if you want to.

[i K e e t]

Quote:

Unregistered animagi never equals a lifetime sentence in Azkaban. It equals a cool character whom every Canon should model themselves after, seek advice from, and never gets caught.

There must be at least 6 unregistered animagi walking around Hogwarts at any given time. More is better.

[i K e e t]

Your character must always be a blood tie, forget how distant, of one of the main characters.

[StargemKitty]

If you ever have a character in the books, do not forget to make them good-looking enough to have everyone's eyes turn back and watch you leave, be very skilled at everything and light of everyone's hearts, along with being the most popular and liked person in the school.

OH, and your character must always be with two people at once, from different houses, to spread the love.

[sunnykitty19990330]

Dumbledore defiantly had a romantic relationship with Grindlewald- and it's completely tasteful to describe said relationship in as graphic a way possible.

[Listo]

Main character Hufflepuffs = more bad juju.

In fanfictions where Harry travels to the Marauders' era, or James travels to Harry's era, feel free to use James' self-given pedestal ('liking his own image') as a perfectly logical, reasonable excuse for incest.

No one will throw up in their mouths.

They will appreciate your open-mindedness.