The Harry Potter Anti-Guide

[Queen Lily Bee]

t r e n d ii e love -- 12

eh. heheh. heheheheheh.
"bloody mary" is it a sign that i have no life that i know
what you're referring to by that ? xD

Not remotely. My Immortal is a CLASSIC badfic. It's so epically, hilariously awful that it's kind of amazing.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS

It was......................Dumbledore"

rofl

[abandoned_nr_5775944]

Snape is a pureblood and lives in a manor. No, he totally does. Never mind that we see sign of his background being poor in book five, have it written on the cover of the sixth book that he's a halfblood and get the whole thing confirmed in the last - he is totally rich and pureblood or at the very least rich enough to have a mansion and some house elves.

Oh, and he is Harry's dad. Harry just looks so much like James because of a charm, he's certainly Snape's kid. Somehow.

[Wanted- Sirius Black]

Right, for those writing a marauders fic:
The Marauders were not straight british lads and they would never refer to each other by their Marauder names. In fact, if you depict the marauders in any kind of heterosexual bro-fic, you ought to be dragged out and stoned.

Instead, they were all effeminate japanese poofs. Especially Remus and Sirius, who are in love with each other and refer to each other as 'Siri-Chan' and 'Remi-Chan'. 'Moonie-chan' is also acceptable where Remus is concerned. (Moony must be spelled with 'ie', not 'y' or it just ain't cutesie enough)

In instances where Remus and Sirius have no interest in each other, one of them is required to be in love with Snape. All canonical loathing is to be thrown out of the window. Sirius and Snape really just fight because they like each other.

If you feel like one of them can be straight after all, Remus can be in love with Lily.


If the Marauders fic you are writing is post-Azkaban:

Remus is not ill and exhausted with shadowed eyes and a hoarse voice.
Sirius is not gaunt and filthy with matted hair and sunken eyes. Even in stories where it is expressly stated that he is fresh from a long stay out of doors on the run and has had no access to basic necessities.

Instead they are both fit and healthy and gorgeous. Their bodies are toned and smooth and youthful. Sirius' hair is long and flowing and Remus' greys are forgotten.

In all marauder fics remus must have gorgeous, luscious, amber eyes. ALWAYS AMBER! not brown, AMBER!

Even in adulthood Snape is a viable option as a lover for either Remus or Sirius.
Snape is not greasy, or hook-nosed, or bitter, or even a ginormous snide git. He is as beautiful as the aforementioned post-Azkaban Sirius and not nearly the jerk Sirius remembers him to be.

Remember, no matter which of the above options you choose, the fluffier the story, the better.

Also, if the werewolf transformation is addressed, it must be described using lines lifted directly from 'Being Human'

[[ I know why this area really hasn't been addressed. because there are too many Remus/Sirius shippers. Because after all, one brotherly embrace after over a decade of separation and mistrust makes the relationship 'practically canon' and two books worth of Remus and Tonks in an actual relationship isn't worth diddly. rolleyes ]]

[Angelic Reprobate]

Wanted- Sirius Black

The Marauders were not straight british lads oh no, of course they weren't that's just silly.

If you feel like one of them can be straight after all, Remus can be in love with Lily. Wait, Remus didn't love Lily? but but but

Sirius' hair is long and flowing Well long yes for a part of it I think, flowing maybe if it was drenched in water and was flowing along it

'Being Human' What's 'Being Human'?

[Wanted- Sirius Black]

Angelic Reprobate

Wanted- Sirius Black

The Marauders were not straight british lads oh no, of course they weren't that's just silly.

If you feel like one of them can be straight after all, Remus can be in love with Lily. Wait, Remus didn't love Lily? but but but

Sirius' hair is long and flowing Well long yes for a part of it I think, flowing maybe if it was drenched in water and was flowing along it

'Being Human' What's 'Being Human'?

Being Human is a british show about a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost who are housemates and are basically trying to make a place for themselves in the human world. It's a pretty awesome show actually.

I have read far too many descriptions of werewolf transformations that sound like they were lifted directly from this show. the narrative of the show describes the process of the transformation verbally at one point and I am positive that is where many of the fics I have read stole it from. almost word for word.

[Angelic Reprobate]

Wanted- Sirius Black

Angelic Reprobate

Wanted- Sirius Black

The Marauders were not straight british lads oh no, of course they weren't that's just silly.

If you feel like one of them can be straight after all, Remus can be in love with Lily. Wait, Remus didn't love Lily? but but but

Sirius' hair is long and flowing Well long yes for a part of it I think, flowing maybe if it was drenched in water and was flowing along it

'Being Human' What's 'Being Human'?

Being Human is a british show about a vampire, a werewolf, and a ghost who are housemates and are basically trying to make a place for themselves in the human world. It's a pretty awesome show actually.

I have read far too many descriptions of werewolf transformations that sound like they were lifted directly from this show. the narrative of the show describes the process of the transformation verbally at one point and I am positive that is where many of the fics I have read stole it from. almost word for word.

Oh okay thanks

[thranduilien]

ʈяεи∂ӌ has a short attention span



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have loopin and snap
masticate to a video of you. :3
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Now what were ӌσυ saying?

[abandoned_nr_5775944]

If you are writing a male/male fanfic (which you will refer to as "yaoi" because that's what the cool kids do) make sure that the bottom/receiver/"uke" (use the last term, the cool kids do) is in essence a woman in a man's body. Never mind if he has shown no signs of femininity in canon, the "uke" has to be submissive! The "uke" may in no way be portrayed as manly, that would be wrong.

For extra bonus points, make them both into lesbians. It's OK even for grown men to have the mentality of 14-year-old girls if they are in love with each other.

Change POV constantly. Preferably every paragraph or even mid-paragraph if you really want to keep your readers on their toes.

[Bobrechaun]

Amrafel

If you are writing a male/male fanfic (which you will refer to as "yaoi" because that's what the cool kids do) make sure that the bottom/receiver/"uke" (use the last term, the cool kids do) is in essence a woman in a man's body. Never mind if he has shown no signs of femininity in canon, the "uke" has to be submissive! The "uke" may in no way be portrayed as manly, that would be wrong.

For extra bonus points, make them both into lesbians. It's OK even for grown men to have the mentality of 14-year-old girls if they are in love with each other.

Change POV constantly. Preferably every paragraph or even mid-paragraph if you really want to keep your readers on their toes.

This is clearly a very well respected rule. I have seen the principles applied alot

[abandoned_nr_19857864]

Copy the books straight off, word by word. Sprinkle with one-liners and other witty commentary and title it "[insert name of character or group] reads [insert name of the book you've copied]".

While the law says that this is a violence against copyright and thus a criminal act that can land you a lawsuit... who cares? Other people are doing it and you commentary is sooo insightful and full of lulz.

If the story gets taken down from a site, don't worry. Post the next book in the series in the same style while whining like a baby until your fans start an uproar to defend you.

God I hate these people, the stupidity is so overwhelming it is outright painful gonk

[Angelic Reprobate]

If you hate northerners, 'gaes' and just about everyone else feel free to make sure that everyone knows when you make yourself Harry's sister. This is gold.

The story is here ----&x
(Congrats, you are tied with My Immortal, you even got a response by it's author(used loosely))

[LittleStevieHorseAndPhone]

Wanted- Sirius Black

In all marauder fics remus must have gorgeous, luscious, amber eyes. ALWAYS AMBER! not brown, AMBER!

Or butterscotch. Butterscotch is good too.

[Kululuku]

These probably have already been said some where but here we go,

Fate is a character and has nothing better to do then to mess with Harry's life by throwing him back in time, or giving his special powers. Its all fine though because without stories like this fate would be getting very board.

Dumbledore is into young boys, such as Harry, because obviously the only reason to become a teacher/ headmaster is to get into the children's pants. Snape is also guilty of these crimes.

Hedwig will have Harry's babies if Harry ever transforms into an owl. The baby's will be born as owls with the power to transform into humans at will. Well, Hedwig and Harry both get lonely and already love each other, why not take it one step further.

Make sure to make as many grammar and spelling errors in the summary to ensure the maximum amount of readers possible. Small mistakes just won't cut it here.

The Chamber of Secrets, and Harry's previously unknown vault have a wealth of knowledge that makes Harry practically invincible, seems ligit.

The best reasoning for Harry to move to places like Smallville, or Lima (from glee), or Forks (from twilight) is that he threw a dart on a map and the small town is where the dart landed so he moved there. This is a great reason for Harry's all over the fiction world to move places.

If any character from any show, or any actor from any where in the world, is like by the author bring them to Hogwarts, no other magic school will do, all the coolest people go to Hogwarts, even if they don't speak English.

[NightmarePriestess]

Remus, Snape, Hagrid, and all other adult males at Hogwarts can be complete perverts.

Spelling characters' names correctly; who cares??? Better yet, just disregard spelling and grammar entirely!!! It's not like anyone cares.

Want more tips? Many of you have already seen this, but I won't keep the *BEST* fanfiction of all time be kept a secret! Feel free to take as much advice as necessary from this work of literary genius: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7302108/1/bMy_b_bImmortal_b_The_bOriginal_b_Crap

[smallmilk]

This thread is pure gold. heart

~All the characters must swear in American slang every other sentence...in caps-lock.

~All the characters must speak like Americans, even if they're English.

~ALWAYS make the guy make a mistake when creating conflict in the relationship and then make the girl forgive him, no matter how bad whatever he did was.

~When writing a Draco/Hermione fic, remember to make Hermione disregard all the things Draco did/said to her, and make Draco forget all of his prejudices and turn his personality around 180 degrees. And keep in mind, this is all after the war so it's a smooth ride with no problems.

~It's a necessity to describe, in full-out detail, every single one of your female character's outfits, and make sure the clothes are skin-tight. Normal clothing is for squares.

~Make sure Ron is a homophobic douchebag with no heart, because that's his exact character.

~You must give your female OC a stupid name like Serenity, Destiny, Fate, Harmony etc.

~Female OC's must always be in a love triangle/square/pentagon/hexagon/octagon with any combination of the following: Snape, Harry, Draco, Ron, Remus, Sirius.

~Potions class should be the only class mentioned.

~Snape should rearrange the partners in Potions class and put the two main characters (that hate each other) so that they're together.

~...Dafuq is "Character development"?