Emperor Desu Norton
Noobs & Mating
An easy and practical guidebook about the prevention of mating/cybering in Gaia Towns.
An easy and practical guidebook about the prevention of mating/cybering in Gaia Towns.
Currently in affiliation with Date Line Gaia. This thread compiles practical and illustrative material about the migrating patterns and mating habits of the common noob (homo desipio).
Thanks for dropping by, Ninina.
Quote:
A noob or n00b is someone that lacks intellegance or common sense, most people think that noob is a word used only in the online gaming world, but in reality it is becoming an ever popular word with teenage society.
a noob could be simply a level 100 running round shouting ''WTF DO I GO!?'' or someone calling someone else a noob and then getting hit with a brick, anyone can call anyone a noob, but normally they are noobs themselves
*gets shot with chaingun*
"this game is no good, you all suck noobish b*lls you stupid noobs!*
a noob could be simply a level 100 running round shouting ''WTF DO I GO!?'' or someone calling someone else a noob and then getting hit with a brick, anyone can call anyone a noob, but normally they are noobs themselves
*gets shot with chaingun*
"this game is no good, you all suck noobish b*lls you stupid noobs!*
--Excerpt from the Urban Dictionary
Anyone who surfed the giant network of tubes that is also known as the internet knows them: noobs. Let me make sure that you, the reader, are aware of the consequences of discouraging them of their intellectual shortcomings and/or their slightly irritating behaviour. Although the latter seems highly unlikely (do note the hint of sarcasm here), noobs spew forth from the internet to create a difference between a literate, intelligent internet user, and their cave-men counterparts. This is the proof of a loving God. However, as with many 'irl' situations, the literates/intelligent authority figures are a minority, and it will only be a matter of time before the noobs reach the treshold of your PM's and beyond. And when that day comes, nobody will be safe any longer for beggars and indiscreet, unmannered Gaia citizens. The ED will be even more affected than now, the Chatterbox will become a can of spam. Therefore, read the next part carefully; it could save your e-life.
Every day, at least 4,000 noobs mate in Towns. Although their habitat seems rather restricted, you must be familiar with the many techniques that they adapt in order to assure the creation of future descendants. Note that this article does not include those who use PM's (or those who have the audacity: the forums).
Here is a short explanation of what happens for those who are spared of this impure ritual.
To know your enemy's weaknesses will lessen the chance of a fruitless noob-hunt.
First of all, a male noob approaches a female type, spouting innocent language such as 'hi', although there are specimens who are known to skip this whole procedure, and ask immediately for a 'cybering' session (in some cases, one must press a series of numbers to confirm). If this is not the case, he will advance the conversation from the regular questions such as 'what are ur hobbies' to a proposition to talk further in a nearby house.
This is where the horribly disfigured hormones of the noob awaken.
Upon confirming, the noob will order the female to follow him. As they arrive in the aforementioned house, he will either continue to attain an innocent conversation until he finds that the time is ripe, or he'll immediately cave in to the unyielding screams o' lust of his genitalia. When the latter occurs, the following 'stages' follow:
1) Sitting remarkably closer to the female;
2) Starting to RP between conversations (this is also presumed to be a subtle version of the next stage);
3) Through RP, the noob starts to use his backward vocabulary to arouse the female with sudden explicit speech.
These 3 stages indicate that the specimen is ready to mate.
After this procedure, the house which is being used for mating is contaminated. In short, this means that it will be most likely that the male noob presumes that this is his territory, and that further mating is considered to be safe here. If the rightful owner is aware of this, he/she must immediately lock his/her house before it becomes a illiterate brothel. Remember: where there is one noob, there are more. Chances of having a noob nest increase when you live near the 001000-district.
When the mating procedure is complete, the male will most likely look for another partner. 2 weeks later, another nooblet will arise from the bowels of the internet. Let it be known that this can differ; some noobs are more familiar with mating than others.
Many scientists consider the actual process of giving birth to another nooblet to be a vague and largely unexplored area. There have been reports, however, that this is so vile that it would even nauseate the most hardened of shock-site visitors. Hatchlings become completely independent from their benefactors as soon as it begins to discover the world of blogs, free websites and communities. Upon receiving enough nourishment after registering and posting a few times, the nooblet will expand its horizons, and will eventually reproduce as been described above.
It is not known whether a noob can produce more than one nooblet or not. It is known, however, that a male noob can 'service' multiple females at once.
How can one recognize a noob?
Although there are difficulties with determining a noob from first glance, it is recommended to keep the following factors in check:
- Look at the name. 'inuyasha12310' or 'naruto777741' are likely to be noobs. Note that these are mere examples. The more original the name and the frequency of capital letters, the less likely the person belongs to the noobish horde. Remember that relying on this alone is not recommended.
- Bold fashion statements. Noobs often wear clothing (or worse: nothing at all) that is given to them upon registering. The ensemble itself consists of anything that can be equipped from their inventory. Usually these are combined with some of the cheaper items of the marketplace. After the release of the new beach/skimpy swimsuit collection, you can also easily notice a female noob that wishes to mate as soon as possible by showing off her flesh-colored pixels.
Some of the more advanced specimens (those who have the knowledge of using Paypal without being scammed) can even carry or wear a collectible. Some who have free access to their daddy's credit card can even have the 'cluttered avi'-syndrome, although this stage hasn't been fully verified.
- Type of speech. Chatspeak is their native tongue, and they tend to shun complicated words.
- Unusual propositions. Some of them are prone to be attached to any expensive items (the katana & dark star being the favourite at the moment of typing). They usually start to flatter the possessor of the item, attempting to strike a deal that would horrify even the most generous of donators.
As being explained previously, there are still Gaians who, despite the first 2 traits, can be most civilized and literate. Take great caution as you try to determine this; not everyone has a better sense of fashion like you, whether it be in names or clothing.
So, how can YOU stop this from spreading?
The following is written with the assumption that you just found a mating session in progress. So what do you do?
- There is a report button for something. Bluffing is an effective, but temporary solution. Note that, if the noob notices that his actions are not countered, he will simply continue.
- Exploit the vulnerabilities of anonymity. This being the actual age of the noob, male or female. If one of them is notified that his mating partner is a 40-year old man living in Tampa, fear overcomes lust. Is this really true? You never know. That's anonymity for you.
- Interrupt their anti-PG-13 conversation with the story about killer tomatoes or the awful consequences of herpes. Be original. Do not waver until their attention from eachother fades.
- You never have to go out alone. Invite some of your literate friends to do a house-crashing party! When a noob feels that he is surrounded, he will retreat. Use punctuation and capital letters to speed up the process.
Although this guide covers only a fraction of the noob's nesting ground, it is designed to give insight and advice about a location where they are considered to be in great numbers, but remain clearly vulnerable. And remember: "help a fellow Gaian, and save the day; prevent a noob from mating, and save the internet".
Thank you for your attention.
Is this a parody or truth? Let the people decide.
Spread the word. 
