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[~Oni~]: Good. Though I'm wavering between that and mediocre. For someone whose first language is presumably not English you have a good mastery of the incredibly hard language. I took five years of French and can barely get around with it. I understand just fine, it's the speaking and writing that always gets me. As a suggestion, try reading your post out loud and see how it flows. Chances are some of it's going to seem a bit odd.

Remember that capital letters go at the beginning sentences and for proper nouns only. Also, not all sentences have to start with nouns and to be careful which nouns you chose to start it with. Actually....alll my suggestions have to do with the way your words are arranged. All of it can be fixed with a bit of practice and advice as you go. I'd offer to help you through some Messenger, but I usually sign off soon and given the time zones it would be very hard to help. It's...what? More than eight hours and closer to twelve, I think.
Ani Blade
Okie dokie, thank you for the advice. ^-^
(Or perhaps I shouldn't type anything at two in the morning from now on. -sweatdrop-)
My English needs to improve a bit more I suppose when it comes to grammar. ^^

Typing late at night is fun. -grins- Letters get mixed up and sentences start to go wonky...or perhaps that's just me getting weird....I should sleep soon before I scare people off...
Meh. Oh well :3 I got a habit of caps-ing some letters xD
Ryuuno Haruka
Ani Blade
Okie dokie, thank you for the advice. ^-^
(Or perhaps I shouldn't type anything at two in the morning from now on. -sweatdrop-)
My English needs to improve a bit more I suppose when it comes to grammar. ^^

Typing late at night is fun. -grins- Letters get mixed up and sentences start to go wonky...or perhaps that's just me getting weird....I should sleep soon before I scare people off...


Joy. Typing at night, when your parents believe you are asleep is fun. If you get caught, it isn't so fun. Not only that but I have work tommorow -bright and early. >.>; So, not so much joy...as...un-joy!? [Un-joy sounds better than joyless to this tired brain of mine]
Oni:Good

I agree with Ryuuno that you need to watch the way you begin your sentences. Also watch fragments that pop up here and there. I think Ryuuno covered it pretty well.

[Dead.Kitteh]:Good

I'm voting good because, regardless of being a sap for Harry Potter, I personally don't like asking questions to the reader in a role play. That's biased, I know, the asking questions wasn't drawing my attention any more, it was actually making me not want to find out who it was. You know you're on the verge of advanced, I don't need to tell you that.

You might also want to consider changing how you begin your sentences. A, there, it, his, the; it's all boring. Try starting with words that end with -ing or -ly.

Tikki Bikki:Mediocre

You said you normally don't write that much? Even that post was rather short...You may want to consider adding more.

A similar note to you - try beginning your sentences with different words besides "she, the, it", it tends to not be interesting.

You've also got maybe one fragment in there, and one misspelled word.
[~Oni~]- Good. I agree with Ryuuno on basically everything, so I won't reiterate.

[Dead.Kitteh]- Advanced. I was wavering between Good and Advanced, but after reading over your other posts, I will settle on advanced, though that sample is obviously not your best work. As someone probably mentioned, stick with the role "n2sswsw" No two sentences start with the same word...And try not starting all of them with knows as well. I have a feeling you won't get three more "Advanced''s.... so keep what I said in mind.

Tikki Bikki- Mediocre. Take Cessy's advice.
@ Oni - Your friend is really good. Have him or her drop by the thread sometime.

[Dead.Kitteh]: Good. Like with Oni, I'm on the fence here. I don't mind asking the reader questions, but there is a line between just enough and too many. Then there's a few presumptions. What if my curiosity wasn't twitching? (In fact my attention was wandering, but that's normal for me. I'm always multitasking and forgetting things.) The last thing that I noticed is more of a style thing, but it is very strongly suggested you listen and consider. In fact I usually suggest such a thing with a sledgehammer in hand. Don't start any of your sentences in the same paragraph with the same word. It starts to become jerky or repetitive and hard to read. Instead of using the all the time try changing the structure of the sentence a bit.

Also, here's something they should tell you in English 9. Try not to use the word you when talking about the reader. Use One instead particularly when talking about observations. You makes the assumption that the reader does exactly as the writer says, but who says that I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between Potter and a girl of the same height with green eyes too. Everyone knows boys and girls are different, right? But this is beyond the simple things that they teach you in sex ed. It runs more into visiual arts. Males tend to have broader shoulders than females as well as a slightly different eye shape. Since it is highly unlikely that Potter's androgynous or even effeminate, some should be able to tell the figure is male if they can see dark green eyes in that sort of twillight.



Tikki Bikki: mediocre. I'm afraid I can't add much to what Cestria said, but you can make that post longer. Try doing things like telling us who she is or describing her and what she wears. How tall is she? Is she cloaked? Is she wearing a clown suit? Why did it take her so long to get inside? Was she dodging guards? Security systems? Why couldn't she just go to the local city hall and grab the building blue prints from there since that would give her electrical and a whole host of other systems? Who would be hunting her? The government? THe mafia? The easter bunny? Not to mention what sort of building it is. Is it a bank? Government building? Is she trying to sneak back into the house so her uber rich dad won't find out about a boyfriend? Is she breaking into an illegal lab?

See? There are lots of unanswered questions that could fill out your post some. For all I know she could be a hulking giant of eight feet wearing a neon clown suit and named Bonzo running from the easter bunny as she sneaks past an elementary school security system to steal a rubber ball.
User_Name: +[Adania]+
Length of time you have been roleplaying: About three years.
Genre of Roleplaying you enjoy: Medieval and Futuristic Fantast
Sample of your roleplaying: ||It may be a little confusing, and more than a little dramatic, but it was meant to be that way. I shall explain a bit first. My character, Elentril, is the Daughter Heir of a kingdom that is under attack from an ancient, supreme army of... Well... A lot of vile things. The war has just begun, and they are losing quickly.||

"My lord!" Elenthril called, her blonde pony tail whipping about feircely in the breeze. Her milky white face was streaked with dust and ash from the falling residue, and her hand caught her fathers arm. The young woman stood tall on her pale, white mare, and she looked sternly into the face of the man who called himself not only her father, but the ruler of Gile. "Father, I beg of you. Our people cannot sustain this much longer. We must retreat." Her blue eyes were cool, but deep inside she yearned to burst into tears and beg until her father would give her her way.

Erandel's cold glare met that of his daughters, and he pulled his arm away from her. "Elenthril, at home I am your father, but in the heat of battle I am your commander, your general, and the person from whom you take orders." His gaze swept over the land beneath them, from the position they were standing on a small hill they could see most of the town. "We cannot retreat. If I have nothing at all, I have my honor, and I will not retreat." Placing a thick, metal helm over his face, he turned once more to his daughter, and took the riegns of his horse. "I will fight untill the end, as I know you will too, my daughter."

With that, Elenthril's father stirred his horse and rode back towards the town, the silky black mane and tail of his horse spilling through the air like floating ink. The woman clenched her jaw, and spurred her own horse, dashing back towards the town. She rode through the streets of the town, the smell of burning flesh and wood filling her nostrils. Now and then she was halted by villagers throwing themselves at her feet, begging for her to do something. Elenthril was known for being stern, but she was also known for being generous. She took pity on these helpless people, but she didn't know how to help.

Guiding her steed around villagers and burning bodies, fallen men and rotting horses, Elenthril rode up and down the streets a few times, her thoughts brewing. Finally, she halted in the middle of the towns main road, and raised her hands abover her head, calling out to the people. "People!" She cryed, many of the villagers stopping to hear what she had to say. "For twenty-five years now, I have stood amoung you and watched as you conquered every hardship brought down upon us by whatever force! I've seen houses torched in the night, only to be rebuilt in only weeks as a result of your drawing together and contributing in whatever way you could! I have seen you share and barter when anothers crop was failing! I've seen your wives give milk to children and homeless women who have none for themselves! And now I am seeing death and destruction beat at our walls like a harbinger of all things evil!" By now, quite a crowd had drawn, and many faces stared up at her, tired and smudged with dirt.

"Tell me! Will you sit here and helplessly try to save your mortal possessions, or will you fight? Fight for the freedom that we all know, and for the sweet and merry taste of success when our enemy crumples beneath us? I implore you! Rally! Rally against these demons! We have catipults, yet no amunition! And so, I say forget the flaming bodies being brought down upon us. Do not pause to identify if they are the bodies of our own or the bodies of our enemy. Send them back, flaming into the faces of our attackers, just as they have been sent to us!" She paused to swallow, and then continued. Her tone was much lower, but still loud enough to be heard. "I want to see every man and woman who is capable of it up there loading those catapults. Children and elderly, I wan't you on the other side of that hill." Elenthril pointed to the hill where her father had she had last stood together. They would be safe there, for now. She hoped...
+[Adania]+:Advanced

I liked it, plain and simple. [I admit, it did hold my attention, but I didn't read every single thing because I'm a bit rushed right now.] Nothing wrong with it jumped out, but I may be wrong, so I'll double check when I get a real chance. But it looked good nonetheless.

Requia:Mediocre

I'm borderline with you. Your sample reads more like a book than a role play. And I don't know what's going on in your sample. Is your character entering a contest, or perhaps just wanting to become a gentleman? You might want to elaborate.

I'd suggest not starting a sentence with 'and', and also...I think there was a fragment in there somewhere. Again, I don't have the time to make positive. If I'm wrong, someone else will catch it.
Well, I'm not gonna critisize your method here, because I'm not entitled. But if it's a sample of my RPG:ing style you want, why must it be clear what's going on? You never stated it must be the beginning of an RPG, and that is where the explaining part happends. Just a tip for the future.
Requia
Well, I'm not gonna critisize your method here, because I'm not entitled. But if it's a sample of my RPG:ing style you want, why must it be clear what's going on? You never stated it must be the beginning of an RPG, and that is where the explaining part happends. Just a tip for the future.


I was just saying that I didn't quite understand what was going on. It would help if I knew.

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