SlimShady777
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- Posted: Tue, 20 Sep 2011 03:54:50 +0000
Elektro7
Same biggrin
Well, I'd say your writing ability is well above average, maybe a bit, "stiff", in places though.
Grammatically fine, there really no issues at all. Try reading it out loud though, and it sounds a bit robotronic, doesn't really flow as opposed to something like this:
Just cut out a few words, rearrange some others. I guess you could say, "Spice it up", make it more Human-sounding. Other places you also say things like, "was not", it may be best to shorten them all to, "wasn't". It's generally only best to keep things like that as two words when one of them is really emphasized, like a comparison, "The first block was blue, whereas the second was not". Making something sound all robotic just to add length is never worth it.
It may be a good idea to try phrasing things in more than one way too.
Could be turned to something like:
And probably a dozen other things too. come up with a few, even just two, and pick the one you like best instead of just going with the first thing that comes to mind.
Realism may be something to consider too, I mean I doubt anyone would have time to say, "oh, got it" with Kunai flying at them. Even if they somehow did, I find it hard to believe they'd bother.
Well, I'd say your writing ability is well above average, maybe a bit, "stiff", in places though.
SlimShady777
he was sure that since the boy he was talking to was a chunin he could take care of himself
Grammatically fine, there really no issues at all. Try reading it out loud though, and it sounds a bit robotronic, doesn't really flow as opposed to something like this:
Quote:
since the boy was a Chunin, Axel was sure he could hold his own
Just cut out a few words, rearrange some others. I guess you could say, "Spice it up", make it more Human-sounding. Other places you also say things like, "was not", it may be best to shorten them all to, "wasn't". It's generally only best to keep things like that as two words when one of them is really emphasized, like a comparison, "The first block was blue, whereas the second was not". Making something sound all robotic just to add length is never worth it.
It may be a good idea to try phrasing things in more than one way too.
slimshady777
The drops of blood become larger and larger until there are dozens of them, all the size of a basketball, in the form of an eye.
Could be turned to something like:
Quote:
The blood drops grew larger, swelling to basketball size and molding themselves to the likeness of an eye
And probably a dozen other things too. come up with a few, even just two, and pick the one you like best instead of just going with the first thing that comes to mind.
Realism may be something to consider too, I mean I doubt anyone would have time to say, "oh, got it" with Kunai flying at them. Even if they somehow did, I find it hard to believe they'd bother.
you know.... all of your ideas are really, REALLY helpful dude, I have to say though this is me at my vewry, very, VERY best, I'd ask if you'd like to see me at my worst and help me with those, but GOD it's so embarrassingly terrible xD
and ya about the writing what first comes to mind, that's actually how I usually write things, I mean like essays, I write the first thing that comes to mind, then go through it and fix any mistakes I see. When I roleplay I don't really do the checking part though, cause I don't like keep the person or people I'm roleplaying with waiting. And also I hate, HATE it when I',m roleplaying with multiple people and I post something, and the post takes so long that one of the other people I was roleplaying with posted something while I was taking sooooooo long to post that basically makes what I posted not possible, so I have to delete my post and post something else and then the same thing happens AGAIN and agh it's so annoying.
And btw the reason why I had Axel say "oh, got it" is because he's a really sarcastic person (like me)
