The TOTAL Gaian Bible - READ AND BE ENLIGHTENED! OT AND NT!

[Autograph]

THE GAIA ONLINE BIBLE CAN NOW BE EASILY FOUND AT WWW.GAIAONLINEBIBLE.COM


But feel free to read the uneditted, without pictures version here!

Introduction - Also Known As: Why Are You Here?

So, this is it. Finally.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, to the complete(ish) Gaian Bible. It is almost anyone ever needs to learn the accurate (sorta!) history of Gaia. Twenty-five thousand words spread out over two volumes. Reader, I do not need to comment upon how long this bible may seem. But, I suppose it's the curse of being a GCD regular that has gotten to me, and, somehow, forced me into writing the entire history of Studio XD's creation.

Well, I must say, 'history' is an inappropriate word. I'd say 'alternate lives of the admins' would be a better phrase. As some of you will already know, I have based the contents of what you find in here off half-truths and tales from people above my own standing.

Writing the entire thing sure has been a journey of self-discovery. I hope that reading it will prove to be the same.

What has been the point in this grand project? Well, I was always a fan of satirical comedy (which sums up this thread perfectly), but also, as Trisk said last night, it allows for the enjoyment of others reading it, and, often 'fleshes out' the world that we spend a lot of time in. This applies to the Veset, Gaian Bible, Gaian History, Ninja Clans of Gaia, Gaia in Roleplay and the Gaian Astrology thread. Although each listed above has very different ideas regarding the parts of Gaia we never see (or are as yet to see), they all share the same passion.

I believe that the Gaian Bible will offer an amazingly original insight to what has become of the admins. It answers the typical Creationist questions with some er... unique answers.

Regards And Thanks

Firstly, to PrizeFighterInferno and enshokukitsune especially for keeping the damn original Old Testament thread alive during it's younger days.

Secondly, to Giant Eyeball for his great 'MOIRA IS A NAZI' sig which is an idea I present during sometime in the New Testament. And for 'supporting' me during the writing process.

Thirdly, to Seth and Trisk, for staying with 'THE GODZ OF MYTHOS R00L GAIA' approach, offering me countless excuses to come into their thread. Especially to Seth for moving THIS THREAD WHEN IT'S DONE, HINT, HINT. I'm looking forward to the Veset Roleplay, guys.

Fourth, to EVE-Radio. Their music has kept me going even through the toughest times of writing this massive... thing.

Fifth, to mother. For simply allowing me hours of uninterrupted work on this freakin' thing.

Sixth... ly, to that person in the Veset who said that 72squared should be the number of the beast. It is. Go read the New Testament.

Seventh, to Rumour Review, for the odd, very vague, idea.

Oh! And eighth, I'd like to dedicate the thread to the late Lilas Salt and Ronnie Corbett. The former as I attended her funeral of late, and although I wasn't close to her - everyone got the corpse some flowers, but I thought a thread mention might be more powerful. Ronnie Corbett - as not many Americans will know - made up one half of the 'Two Ronnies' - comedy heroes. He also starred in Porridage (which was the first major sitcom I ever watched) and wrote some seriously funny stuff. He died lately, but I'd like to cite my earliest influence.

'Discussion'

Right, according to Seth, I can make the discussion about the thread itself. However, you partaking in this probably requries you reading most of both sections of the Bible. Those of you who have finished the New Testament will realise that there are not five books, but rather four. The fifth book will contain all of the questions that people on this thread ask me about my Creationist view on Gaia. Oh, and I'll answer them, too.

Heck, maybe even you have a great idea for a fifth book. If you do, send it in via PM! You'll be fully credited for any ideas I do use. Also, if you look at the re-done 'MISC.' section just below the Old Testament, you will find details of a very disorganised event planned for next Saturday and probably more after that. See the rest of the thread for more details.

Link To Us!

enshokukitsune made the thread a banner a while ago. The link to this pretty neat banner can be found... wait for it...

HERE!

http://img57.echo.cx/img57/6103/possesseduser7zo.png

Also seen as...



NOW TO PUT IT IN A BANNER!

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Dingdingding!

AND NOW, DIGG US!

http://digg.com/offbeat_news/GAIA_Online_At_It_s_Finest

Legal s**t!

Disclaimer: 1. The Gaian Bible (and all threads relating to it including preaching and prophesying threads) are not "hangout" or H.O.T threads. Discussion here (or any in any of the related threads) should be kept around the Gaian Bible (yeah Zen, that means you're going to have to read it). This is not a thread just to talk about random crap.

2. This is not a user-worshipping thread. Supporting this thread does not mean you worship Lanzer and believe he can do no wrong. Even part of the Gaian Bible (i.e. The Book of Sushi) shows that Lanzer is not perfect, and neither are the admins or mods... or any other user, for that matter. Wanting your name put on the list means that you support this thread in all its entirety, the good and the bad.

3. The Gaian Bible is a joke. If any mod/admin/user does have a problem with their place in it, alert me of your discomfort via PM and I'll take your name from out of it. No questions asked. However, if you wish to have you name put within the said document, I can not make any promises.

I TAKE NO CREDIT FOR ANY OF THE IMAGES USED ON THIS THREAD. (I just have a good friend who works for Google and... er... anyway) IF I'M USING YOUR IMAGE WITHOUT YOUR KNOWN AUTHORITY. CONTACT ME WITH THE CORRECT PAPERWORK AND I'LL TAKE IT DOWN. FULL CREDIT GOES TO THE ARTISTS/PHOTOGRAPHERS INVOVLED.


ENJOY. I DEMAND IT.

[Autograph]

OLD TESTAMENT

Opening Note: This thread and all the ones related to it are a complete parody of how Gaia came to be. We all really know that Lanzer gathered up some of his friends from Studio XD and told them his idea of a complete anime forum community. From then on, the other admins gathered up some half-decent programmers (such as Kaia9) and set to work. The result is what you see before you. A complete anime forum and community, which is ever-expanding.

However, the teachings in these texts say something quite different. They are built around what I have heard from being on Gaia for the last year and a quarter. And, if you are highly religious, don't flame me for this. Please?

Also, the Gaian Bible is extremely long but quite amusing. Take the time to read it and follow under the mystical ways of The Admin. It is suggested you read like, a chapter a day or somethin'.

AND! For those of you who are interested, this part of the Bible is based of the Old Testament. My version of the New Testament will probably have Jakobo as the Jesus replacement, or something.

[Autograph]

BOOK ONE - THE BOOK OF GAIANEIS

Chapter One - The Barton of Eden

In the very beginning, there was data and the Great Lord. The Great Lord was a being of absolute power. He knew how to control the masses of data. He knew how to create a world. He even knew how to get an infinite supply of twinkies from his local godly bakery.

Anyway, to cut a long and boring story short, Lanzer, in all his greatness, decided to create his own ANIME COMMUNITY! Now, many Gaian scholars believe that the Great Lord had decided to do this simply because he wanted followers to frolic in the fruits of his labour. Other scholars believe that Lanzer created the infamous 'Gaia' simply to discuss Inuyasha and yaoi with his followers. But they have all been wrong. You see, the Great Lord created Gaia simply to find hawt babes to have er... cyberual intercourse with. Because we all know creating an anime site and spending all your time fixing its errors is a total chick magnet.

So we come to the beginning of Gaia, (winter of '03), and Lanzer created Barton Town with his own data and blood (Yeah, that'll do). A mysterious town on a mysterious site. The sun always shined down on Barton Town (due to the fact the mysterious and great admins hadn't bothered to make night yet whilst enjoying the pleasures of an uncensored Google image search). And in this town, lived four people that the great Lanzer had created in his own image. (Not really, because if he had created them in his own image, all of them would be men, never sleep, and enjoy making databases with "creative names" wink There was Ian, Agatha, Rina and Leon. And they all rejoiced, day in, day out, in the Barton Town Square, celebrating the Lanzer and all his mighty data.

Then, one day, just as the four friends were out in the Square, rejoicing and drinking the mysterious water that came out of the Mystical Sewer Pipe of VO's Urine and getting high on Agatha's "magic home recipes", the great Lanzer called out to his creations from above. And this is what he said, in all his wisdom and power:

"OMG GUYZ I'M LYK, GONA UPON TEH SITE NOW S0 LYK, ASHION STATIONS!!1111"

And so it was typed, and so it was done.

Ian and Agatha rushed to open their magical stores of unlimited stock, while Rina and Leon stood around, looking quite moronic. The site was quickly opened to the public shortly after, and the masses of gods that had worked with the great Lanzer in his days at Studio XD rushed into Barton Town. Ian and Agatha quickly took shelter from this outrage, but Leon (being the love struck moron that he is) protected Rina from the thousands of jabbering XD workers, and proclaimed:

"I do not fear you! For I am Leon! King of Barton Town!"

The XDers stood in awe of Leon's might and shiny armour (which was really kitchen foil made to look like armour). Then, one XDer came forward from the crowd, and called to Leon:

"I am Madnug! King of UDON! I challenge ye to a duel of wits!"

Leon was taken back by this remark, as Madnug was such a silly username, and responded:

"I accept your challenge, 'Madnug'!" And stepped towards him, ready to engage in the first duel that Gaia had ever seen. Madnug reflected his steps, and they came within an inch of each other before Madnug made the first move:

"L054h!" He screamed at Leon. Who was taken back by the remark, and repiled:

"I thought this was supposed to be a battle of wits!" Whereby Madnug told him:

"Flaming is witty!"

"Is not."

"Is so!"

This series of remarks and replies went on for at least another three days, occasionally interrupted by the errors that the great Lanzer had caused "on purpose". Until finally, Rina called out behind Leon to the heavens:

"Great god Lanzer! Hear my call! This pointless flaming has been going on for three days now! Make it stop!"

Of course, she had to repeat herself a couple of times, since Lanzer was on his lunch break, eating a twinkie.

And so, Rina of Barton Town was made the first ever reporter. And Lanzer deleted the first ever flaming topic. Disappointed, Leon turned to the PMs to flame Madnug with, but instead, Leon received a harsh warning from Lanzer. Well, two warnings, actually. One for flaming the living daylights out of Madnug for three days running, and one for proclaiming himself the king of Barton Town. Shouldn't that be a two-week ban?

Anyway, as punishment, Leon was thrown out of Barton Town for a while. And Lanzer gave Rina the role of making new users feel welcome until he could get the hang of using Flash action scripting (come on, it's not that hard -_-). In the meantime, Ian and Agatha made 9.9 million gold per day on people coming into their stores and buying flame clothes.

But it was all about to change very quickly.

Chapter Two - Donations and Relations

As the site was growing at quite a steady pace, Lanzer expanded with the money he had collected from drawing cheap Hentai a couple of years previously and being a hitman for a cheap Las Vegas casino appropriately named: "Drop The Money and Run".

However, Lanzer quickly found out that he was running out of money for the mystical twinkies which gave him his godly powers. So, out of all his wisdom and hunger, he came up with a plan:

Donation items.

Every month he would get his faithful followers to donate to his twinkie fund. However, upon hearing that they were just feeding the desires of the great Lanzer's stomach, some of his most unfaithful followers pulled out of the Great Twinkie Fund. And so, our great Lord was forced to take action. Late one night, the wonderful Lanzer wrote up an excellent idea in the horribly inaccurate marvellous Microsoft Word!

He typed: "i fink i will have idemz each month s0 ppl wil don8 2 m3!"

And so it was Saved As, and so it was done.

Meanwhile, in Barton Town, Ian was reaching that "special age". One day, he invited Rina in from off the streets and attempted to "get it on" with her. A slap later Ian was out in the Square, praying to the great lord Lanzer.

"Oi Lanzer, you lazy b*****d!" He flamed from the top of his pixelised lungs. "Make me a wife so I can have horny butt secks with her!"

Lanzer at the time, had just woken up, and was about to sit down to another hard day of twinkie-eating when he heard Ian's plea. He responded:

"im freakin' busy! go shag agatha1111!!"

Annoyed, Ian screamed back:

"She's ugly and old! I want fresh, female avatars to go out with on cyber dates!"

And that is how the Personals came about.

Every night Ian would stand outside it, looking for young users who would "syba 4 gold!11" who stood on street corners. After a three-minute conversation, he would take them back to his store and put his earned gold to good use. But when Lanzer heard of this, he said to Ian:

"ian u lazy t4wt!1 gt a reel gf s0 u cn have seckz 4 3!11" But Ian ignored Lanzer's warning, and continued to sleep with the Easy Ones, until the massive miracle-worker Lanzer contacted (i.e, PMed) him again:

"u ave failed m3" Lanzer typed. "i fink i wil punish u!" Ian flinched at this remark, believing that Lanzer would sentence him to the Chatterbox, where the fires of flames burned forever. But instead, some controllable urge possessed Ian, and, nine months later, he was ordered to take Rufus, his cat-son, and look after him.

(I've scared ya, haven't I?)

Chapter Three - Ian's Troubles, More Twinkies, and Gambino

Thanks to the Great Lord's ingenious plan, he had enough twinkies to last him at least three days. And so, he set on his next great idea (because all of Lanzer's ideas are great, duh). Inspired by his own richness and the fact that horny and abused teenagers are pretty funny, he created the Gambinos. Gambino so that he can put all of the ego-manaic-like Gaians in their place, and Gino simply so he could mess with his head.

But of course, Ian was having his own sexed-up troubles, even with Rufus to greet him every morning by sitting on Ian's face; Ian still couldn't control his young adultish hormones. So, once again, Ian found himself out on the Barton Town Square, calling to Lanzer's office. Ian shouted:

"I need more pixelised sexual release!"

Lanzer, who had widened his food tastes in the recent weeks, was sitting at his 128MB RAM PC at the time, trying to get Counter Strike not to lag, when he heard Ian's plea. He groaned and quickly typed a response:

"omfg lyk no! dis is a pg-13 site!!!"

Ian was enraged at this response, and automatically went into flame mode:

"What the crap!? Damn you Lanzer! I hope you ******** die! I'm off to make a ******** hardcore porn topic in the Chatterbox now!"

But Lanzer was equally enraged at this remark. So enraged, in fact that he dropped his twinkie on the floor of his office before typing up a response with two hands:

"u cant to taht either!!21"

"Why not?"

"coz i said so!"

But that made Ian even madder.

"Where are the rules!?" He questioned, being the unfaithful bigot that he was.

However, Lanzer was unable to answer this question, and so, he created the infamous ToS - The rules no one reads when they sign up.

Chapter Four - The Receiving of the ToS

Hundreds of big words later, the ToS was ready and able to put out to Lanzer's followers. And so, Lanzer decided to try the traditional way of putting da linez out 4 hiz g unit - By getting the Worthy One to scale the highest place on the map, before handing them two slabs of stone to carry all the way back down with.

But Lanzer quickly discovered that there were two things wrong with his magnificent plan:

1) Everywhere on the Gaia maps looks to be the same height.
2) Attempting to find a Gaiaish Moses would prove quite a hard task, since there was no Exodus from any part of Gaia. Except perphaps from General Discussion when a certain horseman revealed their true sex.

And so, the great Lanzer was about to give up, when he saw something very special: Deep inside the heart of his newly created Welcome to Gaia forum, Lanzer saw Madnug once again. In an attempt to be geniuely Biblical, Lanzer set himself on fire before appearing to Madnug. Of course, the result turned out to be like something from MTV's Jackass, but Madnug got the picture.

Anyway, when Lanzer had managed to cool down, he stood before Madnug and said: "Take off your sandals, for you are stood on holy ground!" To which Madnug repiled:

"I'm not standing anywhere!"

"Alright, well, take off your sandals, then!"

"I'm too poor to have sandals."

There was a moment of awkward silence, before Lanzer continued:

"I am here today to give you a great quest!"

At this, there was uproar in Extended Feedback, claiming that the infamous "Quest Feature" had finally arrived on Gaia. But Lanzer was quick to disappoint:

"You are to go to the top of the highest mountain!" Lanzer ordered.

"But there are no mountains on Gaia!" Madnug informed Lanzer.

"DO NOT QUESTION ME!" Lanzer shouted back. Another awkward silence between the two followed. Lanzer finally said:

"Hang on, you're right."

And so, Lanzer handed over the ToS to the people in that very thread, in the midst of Welcome to Gaia, July 2003.

And so it was posted, and so it was done.

Chapter Five - Modshipping

As the wonderful world of Gaia expanded, Lanzer became more worried. Unworthy people from such evil sites as Neopets and Power-Pets had began to infest the Promised Land.

"It is as the great prophets had predicted." Our Lord found himself saying to himself, as his fellow admins just stared at him awkwardly.

"We must crack-down on these supporters of evil!" Our highness proclaimed, staring at his fellow admins until they agreed with him. However, VO (an admin almost as worthy as the Lord himself) came forward with a most honourable question:

"How the bleedin' 'ell do we do 'hat?"

And Lanzer already had an answer in mind. Later that day, he appeared, once again, to Madnug, who was most displeased at Lanzer's interruption (since he was about to chat up a hawt chick from "TEH BEST MAKE-OUT THREAD EVA!" wink and demanded a reason behind Lanzer's rudeness. Lanzer ignored his most trusted follower's rudeness and gave him an answer:

"I want you to serve me."

To which Madnug replied:

"I'M NOT INTO THAT BDSM s**t, DAWG!"

After receiving a most brilliant slap across the face from our humble Lord, Madnug was informed that he was to be Gaia's first mod.

And so it was informed, and so it was done.

For the next couple of days, Madnug reigned supreme over the Gaia forums, flaming and doing evil sins which a moderator should never be caught doing.

And yet, one day, he just vanished. Maybe Leon got his revenge on him. Maybe UDON was about to go bankrupt and needed his attention. Or maybe the fiery hell of the Chatterbox had devoured him once and for all. We will never know. Except the great god Lanzer. For he knows all.

Except when the Battle System will come out. Meh.

[Autograph]

BOOK TWO - THE MOD COUNCIL

This book of the Old Testament of the Gaian Bible will tell of how the Mod Council came into existence. Once again, I ask you to read all of it, and learn the Ways of the Moderator!

Chapter One - Madnug

From the teachings in the text from the last book, you will all know that Madnug was the first ever user to be "blessed" with the ability to move threads and generally abuse the sacred mod powers of Jerjk. After his mysterious disappearance, our mystical leader, Lanzer, was faced with another situation. And so, he sat upon his throne in the Kingdom of Admin (i.e, the Studio XD bathrooms) and said to his fellow admins with all the wisdom in the world:

"I think we need some more moderators."

And so it was proposed, and so it was done.

Meanwhile, however, a search party was formed to find the original mystical moderator, Madnug, who was rumoured to be somewhere in the ancient lands of Rekkkmo (i.e, Extended Discussion). After many days and nights of searching, the leader of the search party, Dakai, decided that Madnug had just been a myth, and that they should exit the lands of abortion debates. His fellow travellers agreed, but suddenly, in a blinding flash of postness, the great Madnug appeared to the searchers. Shocked by his newbish clothing, Dakai's companions fled. But Dakai himself remained, and asked the stranger:

"Who be you!? With your newbish clothing and low post count!?" And Madnug repiled:

"Master Madnug, I am. Seeking me, you are."

Dakai was taken back by this, and the two remained there, in the most typical anti-abortion thread which could ever exist, as the clueless debaters posted around them. Until Dakai cleared his throat and finally said:

"Why the hell are you talking like Yoda?"

Chapter Two - A Hunt Begins (I'm getting creative with these titles, eh?)

Upon deciding that more mods were needed, the admins began a hunt for young and willing apprentices who were willing to take on the mighty task of modship. They found thousands of users willing to step up to the task. But the great admins put them through many trials and tests to prove who were the fittest. Many of these trials included walking over hot coals, typing in leet for a day, and being able to look at a picture of TubGirl without being sick. After these trials, only two users remained: Demon and Kichigai M. Both were equal in skill and might. However, when Lanzer heard of this, he ordered that they should fight to the death. When the wannabe mods were informed of Lanzer's demands, Demon threw down his weapons (despite there being none at the time) and proclaimed:

"Who does this "Lanzer" think he is!? I cannot fight a woman!"

Kichigai M also threw down her weapons and proclaimed:

"I agree! For I cannot fight a woman either!" Humour!

But at this, Demon changed his mind, and sent Kichigai a response of flame and power. This was reflected back by Kichigai. And so, a flame war ensued. However, this pleased the Great Lord, and so Demon and Kichigai M were both appointed mods.

Meanwhile, Dakai was training under Master Madnug between eating, sleeping, and taking philosophy classes. Dakai was taught many useful things by the old mod, such as how to cross the infamous hot coals, how to type in leet for days, and even trained him into looking at TubGirl for hours on end without developing some sort of metal disease.

Before long, Dakai applied to be a moderator, and he was accepted and welcomed onto the Mod Council (which consisted of Demon and Kichigai M.) with open arms. To celebrate, Madnug took Dakai out for a night in Barton Town. In the morning, Dakai woke up feeling like thirty-two Chatterboxers had spammed in his mouth. Half-expecting for himself to wake up next to his old teacher, Dakai was disappointed when Madnug couldn't be found anywhere. Just as he was about to return to bed, Dakai's door was broken down by Demon, who demanded Dakai tell of the location of Madnug. However, Dakai, obviously as a result of getting absolutely s**t-faced the night before, couldn't remember the location of Madnug's hovel, or anything that had happened the previous five months.

Nevertheless, the Mod Council was formed, and it changed the history of Gaia. For the next few months, mods and admins alike searched for new and sensible users to become moderator padawans.

Chapter Three - An Uprising Begins

Before long, hundreds of users were taken away from their companions and friends to be tried for modship. Shipped off to camps miles outside of Barton Town to be tried and tested for the Mod Factor. The one's which didn't get through to being a mod had their memory wiped of the experience. While the ones who did end up on the Mod Council became totally different people. There are many stories from people down at the old folks home of what happened at this "camps". Some say that users had their brain torn out of their pixelised skulls and tested for the Mod Factor. Whereas other people claim that users were just shipped there to make twinkies for Lanzer. But everyone agreed whatever happened at these camps was not normal.

Anyway, soon, other users began to hear rumours of this so-called, "Modding Camps" and a rebellion began to rise within the Gaian public. The leader of this rebellion was Tool. Tool was just a simple user at the time, and quite naive. However, when he heard of the great Modding Camps, he formed a great uprising in the form of...

...get ready for it...

NAKED DAY!

Indeed. Tool was the creator of the first Naked Day. Where the public of Gaia stripped themselves of all clothing in protest of the Modding Camps. When the Great Lord heard of this, he became enraged:

"HOW DARE THEY!?" Lanzer shouted from his throne, his thoughts echoed around Gaia via the Annoucements forum. Equally outraged, Tool set about thinking up his next plan of action against the divinity that be. Luckily, however, the Mod Council had a few "talks" with Lanzer and persuaded him to shut down his Modding Camps. In return, Lanzer let loose a new evil upon his kingdom as punishment: Trolling.

Found on an old forum long ago, Lanzer had kept the threat of a Trolloical weapon under wraps until now. And when he unleashed it, a new type of fear came over Gaia. Not one from new users, but one from old users who have new mules and are terribly bored. Even nowadays, every now and then, the oldest of users get the urge to go on their poorly-dressed mule and flame the lights out of someone, taking after the evil exiled Leon and his flaming ways. Alas, they really should read Book One but the Bible...

Chapter Four - Welcome Back

A few weeks after the punishment of trolling had been released upon the good people of Gaia, an adventurer set out from Barton Town, his name was JaCkinbOx, an unknown hermit who liked to hang around the Picture Post. He had heard of Leon's misfortunes and was out to find some answers.

Young JaCkinbOx travelled for many days and nights (well, not really, but I felt like we needed some drama) until he found Leon in the wreckage of the Modding Camps, miles away from Barton Town (actually, he was at the Playboy mansion, but I thought that would be I bit too inappropriate). Upon seeing Leon, young Jack shouted:

"Leon! I have come from Barton Town! Gaia has been infested with trolls and we need your assistance!"

Leon stirred from his half-sleep and asked:

"Are the Personals still around?"

Unsure, young JaCkinbOx replied:

"Erm... sure."

Leon's p***s shot up straight away, turned to his new companion and said:

"Let's get it on!" (In an entirely non-sexual way)

And so, Leon and JaCkinbOx walked happily back to Barton Town, to find threads in the forum set alight with flamers who were hungry to insult some trolls. Leon was appauled at what he saw, and was even more appalled when he saw the Personal's doors were locked and blocked. Just as young Jack and old Leon were about to give up, they saw a blinding flash of light, and the mystical admin, l0cke greeted them.

"h3y guyz" greeted l0cke. The knight and his new companion just stood in awe of his presence.

"i h4/3 4 j0b 4 u" l0cke told Leon happily. Yet Leon and JaCkinbOx stood rooted to the spot, both quite scared of l0cke's terrible grammar and spelling. Leon slowly turned to his friend and whispered:

"Run."

And so, Leon and Jack ran from the scariest admin to ever exist. Yet l0cke managed to catch up with Leon again, several days later, when he and Jack had gone their separate ways, and Leon was trying to make a living for himself in the porn industry, with little success:

It was on an underground Hentai set beneath Gambino's mansion (G Corp, anyone?) when l0cke found him.

"i cught u!" Proclaimed l0cke, grabbing Leon by the arm and dragging him off.

A few days later, the guilds opened, and Leon was forced to manage them, day in, day out. And no one heard anything else from JaCkinbOx.

Oh s**t, I mean: And so Leon was dragged off, and so it was done.


Chapter Five - A Council At War

Many people were not happy with the Moderator Council's closing of the Moderator Camps, and it was split straight down the middle. On one side was the Alliance of Modification Judicators, a powerful team who supported separatist groups who were springing up at the time to combat the trollisation of Gaia (one of these such groups was the infamous ED: Enforcers, who did a pretty good job in the short term). The Alliance was for the Mod Camps, suggesting they were a good way of picking out good, potential mods.

On the other side, were the Jedi Republicans er... Kahunakane group (I just can't make this stuff up!). They were against the Modding Camps at the time, but for the fact that they could take bribes from popular users just to let them "slip under the warning net", if you know what I mean.

Eventually, Lanzer was informed of this ongoing war by one of his mysterious aides ninja and put a stop to it by promoting the ones closest to him and making their names green, giving them almost godly powers. These are the mods you go to if you are being hacked. Because of these promotions, the Alliance won, and the Modding Camps were about the be reinstated, but one of the Kahunakane spoke up, and was granted an audience with the lord, Lanzer. No one knows what happened in this meeting, but the Modding Camps never opened again. Instead, it seems, the admins creep into a prospective mod's bedroom a night, stuff them in a bag, and carry them off somewhere. When the said user returns, it seems they have aged five years and have suddenly become popular. It is also noted that mods tend to quest for things a lot more than normal users: ninja:.

And so they are stuffed into bags and dragged away, and so they are done.

[Autograph]

BOOK THREE - THE BOOK OF SUSHI

This book on the Gaian Old Testament will discuss how the Sushi and other databases really came into existence. Same... er.. Terms apply. And remember, none of this is to be taken seriously.

Chapter One - Skeptics

Ah yes, twinkies. Lanzer's ex-favourite food. The sole reason he invented donation items. But one night, Lanzer's life changed for ever. He was out partying, taking a break from worrying about his followers, and basically getting absolutely shitfaced in that great, Gaian heaven of his (well, he was in heaven after a couple of glasses, anyway). That night, the great Lord had a few... "Interesting" dreams, including one about a flying cow, Ling and some Yaoi. But the magnificent lord of all of Gaia remembered only one dream: It was about sushi.

Inspired by this fantastic dream, the fantastic Lanzer had a fantastic idea. The next day (alright, the day after, since all of the other admins/gods had hang-over) Lanzer sat upon his throne in the Great Meeting Place of Gods in the magical Studio XD office, and announced his idea to his fellow admins. His highness proclaimed:

"I SHALL BUILD A MIGHTY DATABASE!" Obviously still a slave to the alcohol that had effected him the night before, l0cke interrupted:

"wot 4bout t1//k13!?" l0cke questioned Lanzer, Who simply ignored him and continued with his speach:

"IT SHALL BE... THE BIGGEST DATABASE... IN THE WORLD!" The Great Lord cackled. A few of his unfaithful admin companions groaned. The Great Lord sighed and proclaimed:

"FINE! BUT YOU'LL SEE! YOUUUU'LL SEE!"

And with that, Lanzer dismounted his great throne, and stormed off into the sacred room of servers. And was not seen for many months. The following chapters describe what exactly our Great Lord did do in the great server room for several months. And what the result was.

WELCOME, TO THE BOOK OF SUSHI!

Now, with that over, let us continue...

While the Great Lord locked himself away, the other admins partied night after night. Gaia was left into the priests' (or mods') care. The site quickly became error-filled whilst the admins' brains quickly became equally filled with alcohol. Questions and Assistance (or Questions and Feedback, as it was called at the same) quickly became full of n00bs and oldbies alike questioning the reasoning behind the errors. With the King of the Admins locked inside the server room itself and refusing to come out, no one could give these hopeful followers any answers.

Then, one day, Lanzer emerged from his electric hell.

Chapter Two - A God's Request

The Great Lord of the Admins stormed out of the Holy Room and demanded:

"Alright guys, I'll need at least five hundred twinkies, a thousand volts of electricity, and at least 40 MBs of J-Pop."

Yet there was no one in the sacred office of XD to answer his call. As all of the other great admins were engaging in the sort of godly activates which gods do. And so, Lanzer wondered about the office for a while, trying to locate the twinkie store. Then, the Great Lord saw it. Simply by looking on one of the monitors which kept watch over Gaia's forums. He saw... THE CHATTERBOX!

Even the Great Lord himself had not really seen the condition of the Chatterbox since its creation. But then he, right in the midst of the Studio XD office, gazed upon its might and darkness. He watched as a violent war between mafias spawned in front of him. Flames flew everywhere, yet no mod came to put an end to it. But even the flames of war were swallowed up by the masses and masses of bumps from gold-hungry users. One simple word of exclamation escaped from the Great Lord's lips:

"s**t."

His eyes were diverted from the monitor as his fellow admins returned from the Kingdom of... er... Drinking! Yeah... Anyway, the Great Lord turned to face them and shouted:

"WHAT HAPPEN TO CB!?!??!?"

To which VO, the second-greatest admin, stood forward and repiled:

"Lanzer, dude, I love you man."

It was at that point Lanzer concluded VO was either drunk, or gay. Or gone to a gay club to get drunk. Either way, the Great Lord decided to call it a night, and, after adding "get twinkies for Lanzer" to everyone's To-Do lists, he scurried onto the roof of the Studio XD office in an attempt to attach a lightning conductor. Why? Well, where else can an Asian admin get a thousand volts of electricity without working for Microsoft?

In the end, he retired, once again, to the Holy Room of Serveritude. He spent many more months working on the Sushi Database. Then, one day, he emerged again.

Chapter Three - Sushi

It was in the middle of an admin meeting when Lanzer stormed into the mystical Holy Hall of Admins and returned to the throne and the top of the table which was made out of cardboard boxes pure gold. Every admin there (except Jakobo, because he was still just an ordinary user at the time) set their eyes upon their leader, who said:

"I have spent many months within that wired hell. Listening to the DDR soundtrack while working on the ultimate database." At the words, "ultimate database", his fellow gods groaned. The Great Lord ignored them and continued from his heavenly throne:

"I PRESENT TO YOU... SUSHI GEAR REX!" The admins had obviously paid attention when they heard the copyright breach, and some of them got up to remove Lanzer from HIS THRONE OF POWER. But at that moment, the building shook, and something deep below ground level roared. The other admins froze. Even the Great Lord himself looked suprised. Then l0cke raised the question:

"wft!?" The other admins stared at Lanzer for an expected answer. The Great Lord brought out a small, black case from underneath him, and proclaimed proudly:

"THIS IS SUSHI GEAR REX!"

Ling supressed a giggle. Whereas VO and l0cke raised an eyebrow each.

Ling finally cleared her throat and said:

"That roared?"

Whereby Lanzer responded with:

"Oh Hell no. I'm not sure what just roared..."

Suddenly, all of the gods got up in unison, and hurried over to the Holy Meeting Room's window.

At the base of the huge, godly Studio XD tower, stood a mighty crowd of the most blasphormus followers to ever exist. It was a mighty mob of Gaian users, lead by the infamous Noraboo. On sight of her, the origin of the roars was immediately revealed to the gods above. MORE HUMOUR!

Noraboo stormed forward and shouted: "Ye gods have abandoned the Chatterbox! And now the result is spilling onto the good forums of Gaia!" There was a grunt of agreement amongst the other members of the mob. But upon hearing this, Lanzer stepped forward to the window, held the Sushi Database before him, and proclaimed:

"My followers! I apologise for the inconvience! But alas! Your savour is here! For this is the great database of which the prophets have predicted!" And the Great Lord held his achievement out of the window, so all of his followers could see the beauty. Some gasped in amazement, some even fainted! But then, something terrible happened:

A thunderstorm had suddenly rolled in without warning. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed. Yet the Great Lord ignored the terrible weather and continued to hold the angelic database out of the window for the entire world to see. Then, with a mighty boom, lightning struck the conductor on the roof of the XD tower. Electricity jumped from the building to the heavenly database. Upon this happening, the Great Lord was forced to drop the database from grace. It fell with the weight of a stone, and cascaded down the side of the building at the speed of light. It fell on Noraboo, and knocked her clean out. That is why she is unable to remember any of this is you query it from her.

Anyway, the Great Lord was distraught. There was a moment when he just stood at the window, gazing onto the ground far below. Then, he began to scream.

For anyone who has ever seen a Great Lord of all Admins scream, you'll know it isn't a pretty sight. Lanzer screamed and screamed, as shrill as a nightingale and as loud as a crow. He screamed and screamed and screamed. Eventually, though, he had to draw breath, and that's when his fellow admins seized the opportunity to stick some tape over his mouth.

Chapter Four - Salvage

It was many days before the god, VO, went down to from the summit of Studio XD right down to ground level to try and salvage the legendary Sushi Database. Eventually, VO returned to the XD office with half a motherboard, three memory chips and four hundred twinkies which Lanzer had stored in the database to hide them from his fellow twinkie lovers. After a huge twinkie feast, the admins sat around the remains of the great Sushi Database, and decided what to do. VO, l0cke and Ling had decided to keep Lanzer's mouth taped-up, not because he was still screaming, but simply because they didn't like the sound of the Great Lord's voice.

"i fink we shud exhange teh mombored 4 sum reel shushi!!1" Suggested l0cke, who's stomach was roaring as loud as a furious Noraboo. There was a nod of agreement from VO and Ling, but Lanzer squealed very loudly underneath the tape that had sealed his mouth.

"What is it now, Lanzer?" VO questioned the Great Lord, ripping the tape from Lanzer's mouth. Of course, Lanzer, being the immensely immortal being that he is, didn't notice that the tape had taken off his stubble around his chin. Lanzer, free to chat away, began to rant:

"We must fix the Chatterbox!" Demanded the Great One. There was a grunt of agreement amongst his friends, and so, it was decided. Whilst l0cke went out to stock up on twinkies, Lanzer and VO fixed the Sushi Database to restore it to its former glory and Ling employed new mods to deal with the Chatterbox situation. The forums were returned to normal (or as normal as a Gaian forum can be) faster than Lanzer can eat a twinkie, all thanks to the gods working together.

Chapter Five - A Saga Begins

And so, Gaia became remarkably stable again, despite the odd hundred errors or so. And every weekend, the great gods of Gaia would go out and get drunk. Simple for the Great Lord to have dreams relating to what he should call the next infamous database. And so, the cycle continued, until the Great Lord ended up in hospital with a dead liver. Much to VO's disappointment, our Great Lord found himself a transplant donor, (although, he was on the waiting list for a while, since it's very hard to find someone of immortal bloody nowadays) and now has a new liver to waste on thinking up strange database names which all seem to be based on food.

As for the server names, with the most creative names since Beowulf came about, no one really knows how those are made up. Maybe Agatha sends the gods her special "home recipes" as a tribute, and, each of the admins are able to make up the sever names. Or maybe... THEY MIGHT BE BASED OFF NPC NAMES! (Absurd, of course)

In the end, Lanzer was able to acquire some decent J-pop, l0cke came back with a feast of the sacred twinkies for his fellow lords, while Ling and VO did sod all. Yes, it was a good plateau for the gods of Gaia. But, unknown to them all, they were growing further and further away from their faithful followers in their peaceful lands.

[Autograph]

BOOK FOUR - FORECOMING

Do I even need to remind you what to do by now? Anyway, this book describes the events of the Dark Time of Gaia. Which was basically when Lanzer was developing the Sushi Database. Some of the following text does contain some facts, but overall, it, like everything else in the Gaian Bible, should not be taken seriously.

Chapter One - A Prophet Foretells

Long ago, when the Great Lord had began to rally followers and Gaia was finally becoming popular, a prophet lived. Now, this prophet was not well known, or well liked. In fact, he only made 38 posts in his short lifetime on Gaia. But each one of them stated a prophecy. A prophecy that would be fulfilled in the infamous Dark Age of Gaia. The prophet's name, was Kyu.

Kyu was not a rich follower of Lanzer. In fact, he only bought himself some peasant clothes and some sandals. He roamed the Chatterbox and Barton Town, greeting users in a friendly fashion. But every Sunday, he would climb atop his cardboard box within Barton Town Square, and preach his prophecy to passing users. Now, fortunately for the Great Lord, no one believed Kyu's mad ramblings about a forthcoming "Dark Age" where n00bs would roam free and trolls would terrorise the land. Oh no, to the Great One's followers at the time, Gaia was a Promised Land. And so, on the eve of his 38th preaching, Kyu decided that he would leave Gaia.

On the last Sunday of the first month, two thousand and four, Kyu performed his last prophecy within Barton Town Square. Then left Gaia for good. No one knows where he is now. But one thing is for sure. A single citizen of Gaia paid attention to his last preaching of his last prophecy. This person quickly recorded what they had heard from Kyu, and the prophey was repeated across Gaia:

"I tell of a time to come. When the entire moderator's work is to be undone. N00bs will reign across the land; users' cries will turn to sand. Spam shall eclipse all."

Thousands of users dwelled on this single prophecy which was repeated again and again amongst users of the Chatterbox and Barton Town alike. It was disregarded by many, just as Kyu had been disregarded by users before. It is even said that the Great Lord promoted this disregard of the prophecy, he himself believing that it would never come to pass. But then, the idea mentioned in the previous book spawned into Lanzer's head, and he shut himself away for months. The employment of mods onto the Council stopped, (which is just as well since they were running out of their supply of modsabers). Gaia's rate of reporting of n00bs plateaued and grinded to a halt. But the amount of n00bs still grew and grew with the gradual expansion of Gaia.

The Dark Age had almost arrived. Yet only a few users realised it.

Chapter Two - It Comes

The shroud of darkness which had been prophesised to invade Gaia did not come down on the kingdom quickly, like a male orgasm or the price on Sealed Letters. No, the Dark Age had a gradual build up like... a... er... female orgasm (yeah, very rare and slow, kekeke). Once the world of Gaia had gained some publicity (which basically meant old members spamming up the Neopets forums in hope that one or two of them would join the community) the evil n00b sinners came rolling in faster than you can say: "STFU N00B!"

Many people, however, took notice of this gradual invasion; But the Extended Discussion goers were the first to act. Under the guidance of a priest of Lanzer, the EDians formed group after group, attempting to fight the new threat that had recently invaded their beloved forum. They rallied together in their packs, and discovered to joy of reporting. Mods inboxes were full to the top each day, one message after another, all linking to a different n00b thread in ED. The admins' priests began to get annoyed with the various ED groups always PMing them, and eventually, some of them gave up on the hopeful EDers, but yet, some of the Council supported to groups of reporters. This is how the War of the Council came about.

However, when the Alliance lost the civil Council War, hatred was promoted against these groups of gallant reporters (I'm sure you're all acquainted with the elitist ED stereotype). Yet not all of these groups were wiped out. Instead, The Iconoclast summoned a rally to arms against the n00bs. ED reporting groups that had been scattered came together underneath The Iconoclast. Noraboo herself supported the creation of this unique group of anti-idiots. With the now-dead Extended Discussion Patrons as their head quarters, the newly found "ED Enforcers" took on n00b after n00b. If you were a regular in ED back then, there is a very good chance that you were also an Enforcer.

On the other side of the battlefield, two users were leading the way in GD's fight against the Dark Age. Zahir, inspired by The Iconoclast's own movement against the n00b army, came up with a weapon to kill off swarms of n00bs at a time. However, GD had more appeal to n00bs, and so this secret weapon was required to be used by more members than just Zahir. Dinictus was the first recorded person to use his own, modified version of the weapon in question.

Chapter Three - Pimp My Wep

"The Weapon" was actually, a single post - a condensed sticky, if you will. The Infodump, as it was appropriately named, included links to all the major forums within Gaia. Each of these links was fitted with a small and ingenious description about what the specific forum was about. The Infodump was posted everywhere, in every mis-placed thread imaginable. Together with the promotion of thread reporting by many mods and GD regulars alike. It's popularity rivalled the ED's Enforcers. Its customability reached the dizzy heights of the Enforcers' signature banners.

As for the other great and popular forums, they were somewhat lacking in the... anti-n00b department. In the absolutely fabulous Questions and Feedback, there was hardly any protection at all. But it is also said that these forums had great belief in the power of the Great Lord. They worshipped day and night, making threads to call to the heavens. However, this protection only lasted a short time, and without the organisation skills of the great EDians or the initiative of the GDers, these other forums were forced to fight fire with fire.

A new form of flaming emerged. It was not a fire which spawned randomly, from users' fake accounts. It was an inferno spawned out of people giving a serious telling off to any wild n00bs that had managed to break the seal between their forum and the Chatterbox. However, the n00bs themselves quickly turned to retaliating with their own flaming. And so a blazing rage of insults was formed within a thread. This quickly spread to other threads around it and became as big as the Great Fire of London. The flames were only put out by any brave mod who dared to venture into the insults and AlbinoBlackSheep images that had been born to the flamers.

Despite all of this, people continued to flame n00bs, believing it was an effective way to deal with them. But instead, this only invited more n00bs in, and promoted trolling within the forum. The state of the forum-in-question was compared to the fiery depths of the Chatterbox itself. This forum I speak of could of been any. Q and F... Video Games... and even Barton Town was submitted to these evils of n00bness. But even so, the worst was yet to come.

Chapter Four - NO ALCOHOL!?!? OMG!!!111

Breaking point occurred at the beginning of July '04 and ended on the last day of the same month. As Gaia prepared for it's own Olympics, the masses of n00bs increased dramatically. Like bacteria, n00bs reproduce at twice the heat in heat. And, July being summer and all, the kingdom of Gaia was full of 'em. The council of Mods pleaded with the admins day in, day out religiously. They prayed for more mods. They prayed for less n00bs. But there prayers were ignored by the admin gods. Even the Great Lord ignored his loyal followers, claiming that it was them who had ignored him in the past.

As summer temperatures peaked, so did the n00b population. At around the same time as these two events, the admins answered the prayers of a single newbie worshipper that (like everyone other good and decent townsperson in Gaia) had been praying for a solution to the masses of n00bs and some alcohol to celebrate with. This prayer somehow made its way into the Great Lord's inbox, and it was read immediately by the Lord himself.

Now, Lanzer was feeling quite cranky at the time, so he only felt like getting rid of all of the n00bs and leaving the many "HOT BABES 4 U BOYS R TITED UP GIRLZ FIND CALIM TEHM LOL" bars of Gaia alcohol-less. This sounded good to the Great Lord and most of his followers, as they were unable to foresee the unfortunate consequences to follow. N00b watering holes became dry as Agatha's tongue after a night with Sasha (...don't think about it...). The masses of n00bs were forced out onto the streets of Gaia and began to start their own threads. Millions and billions of the troublesome threads sprang up at once. The newly-repaired Sushi Database groaned under the pressure of this enormous amount of threads. Ling was outside of the Holy Server Room at the time, but only thought that Lanzer was... er... treating himself to a well-deserved break on Google image search.

More of the n00b bars ran out of alcohol. More n00b hobos began to roam the dusty streets of Gaia. Thousands of normal users began their movement, too. They dashed into their homes and bolted the doors. The sinister boom of n00bs pounding on user's doors was heard all over Gaia. The Sushi Database began to groan some more. Pound. Groan. Pound.

Until, it happened.

Chapter Five - Climax

At the time, Lanzer was trying to install his newly-acquired MASTER TWINKIE MACHINE V.1923832 (With real twinkies!) into the Studio XD lounge. He was cursing too loudly to hear the echoed moans of Sushi under-pressure coming from the Holy Server Room. It was only when Ling entered the lounge that a girly scream from the Great Lord alerted the other admins and programmers that something was wrong. Upon realising that Lanzer was not, in fact, jacking off to cat porn in the Holy Server Room, Ling alarmed the Great Lord of the groaning at once. Lanzer screamed and dashed into the holy room, only to be greeted by the uly sight of an exploding Sushi Database. Two hours later, the Great Lord of all Gaia regained consciousness. Ling quickly informed Lanzer that he had been hit on the head by a flying pizza crust immediately after the Sushi Database had exploded.

Lanzer was furious . He got up from the grease-stained Studio XD couch, and marched over to inspect the damage to the Holy Server Room. The next day, he was brought into hospital, and was treated for a seizure. In the meantime, the other admins set about cleaning up what remained of the Holy Server Room. It was at least three hours before VO realised that he could gain access to Gaia via his laptop. However, if you didn't know, VO's laptop is the only computer in the whole of Studio XD which runs on Windows XP. And so, it took the worried admins another five hours to get online. When the god finally did get onto Gaia, a nasty site greeted them.

The first thing the three noticed was that there was a distinct lack of n00bs within Gaia. Trolls... flamers... spammers... they had all disappeared. The gods learned later that many of the trolls had returned to their original accounts to see the damage caused by the thousands upon thousands of errors which were bombarding the site. Spammers fled at the hint of Sushi Database errors, and flamers had nothing to flame. Gaia slowly grinded to a halt. And so, the gods did the only thing they could do:

Re-build the Sushi Database... again.

The Great Lord remained in hospital while the Sushi Database was reinstalled, the Server Room rebuilt and Gaia returned to relative normalness. Except the tiny little problem of a rollback... BUTWEALLGOTOVERTHAT!

And so, now the ED Enforcers lies well and truly dead. A new generation of law enforcement has attempted to appear, but I shall address that issue in the New Testament. As for the infamous Infodump, it seems almost all variations of that have disappeared with Zahir's promotion to demi-god and green mod. And as for the equally famous customiser of the Infodump, Dinictus, no one really knows where he is now. But he has been reported in the, now declining GD Guardians, which also will be addressed in the New Testament.

[Autograph]

BOOK FIVE - NPCITICUS

This final book of the Old Gaian Testament will discuss NPC drama. The usual advice of reading a chapter at the time appiles here too. You also might note that this book does not cover the events of Halloween, 04. If you wish to view those events, I would suggest Calmer's sticky at the top of the Gaian Community thread index. And if you are wondering, yes, the Gaian Police was a real roleplaying thread.

Chapter One - The Worries of Ian... Again

Before the Dark Age, even before the time of the Mod Council, there was the Gaian Police. An unrulely set of law enforcers who spent there time within the Gaian Commerce, maintaining peace and order within the bars of Gaia (and charging "protection money" for it, too). This police force made it their duty to patrol the streets of the Commerence and Barton Town. Order was kept a lot of the time, but one day, the police heard a tip-off about a certain Barton-Town pervert. The police chiefs immediately sent two of their officers around to investigate:

There was a knock on the door. No answer. Hotguy4u knocked again. Still no answer. The lazy law-enforcer, Hotguy, turned to his companion (Naurtorox) and prononuced that knocking on the door of the apparent pervert was a waste of time, and that they should go and get some more hawt babes from the Personals. But Naurtorox disagreed with his fellow officer. For one, he believed very strongly in the sacred Gaian ToS which had been handed down from the Great Lord just weeks before. And for two, Naurtorox felt that all the "babes" in the Personals where perverted SoBs anyway, much like the person that he was trying to flush out of the house in front of him.

Hotguy4u, upon hearing of his friend's rejection of the Personals plan, stormed off in a fit to chat-up some ready and willing twelve year-olds. Naurtorox (now alone) knocked upon the door in front of him once again. Then, it opened to him. It was held ajar by the person who lurked on the other side, who, apparently was breathing very harshly. Then, the owner of the house peered around the side of the door, before quickly hiding behind it again when he saw Naurtorox. The police officer opened his mouth to speak, but was beaten by the man on the other side of the door:

"So... I guess you don't have my new edition of Bondage World, then?" Ian asked. Naurtorox could of beaten down the door that very moment and slain the pervert on the other side. But instead one post escaped his keyboard:

"u muther fuker" Naurtorox swore, ready to blow down the door with his OMGIPWNU lightsabre which had just magically appeared in his roleplaying belt. But before he could finish typing "*knocks down d0or nd kilzz u*", Naurtorox heard a distinct voice:

"Naurtorox..." The voice called out to him. Naurtorox looked around the street. He was alone. Yet the voice called out to him again. Naurtorox eyed the man behind the door in front of him suspiciously. But Ian had remained silent, quite disturbed by the officer's flaming. The mysterious voice called to Naurtorox again:

"Use the force... Naurto..." It told him. Naurtorox heard this voice, but called out to it in reply:

"Use the flame?"

"Force." The strange voice corrected. Naurtorox acknowledged this and gripped his OMGIPWNU lightsabre, inserted a Dulux battery, and turned it on. He heard Ian whimper from the other side of the door as he cut it open with his lightsabre. Ian let out a slight scream before telling Naurtorox that he could have just asked to come in, rather than cutting the door open with his big, glowing stick. Naurtorox procceded to pin Ian against his longue wall, and began to question him, but not before Ian commented on how 'kinky' the situation was.

"where were u last nite!!11??//" Naurtorox questioned, moving his head closer to Ian's (not in that sense, yaoi fans).

"At my computer!" Ian replied, getting slightly turned-on by the man in uniform in front of him.

"Were iz dis 'computa' tehn?" Naurtorox asked. Ian hesitated in his reply, and then said:

"In my pants."

Naurtorox stared at him.

Chapter Two - Ugh

Naurtorox dashed up the stairs of Ian's house. Ian perused him quickly, but it was too late. Naurtorox reached Ian's bedroom, entered it and locked to door to keep Ian out. The Gaian Police officer sat down next to Ian's computer, and, two hours later (since Ian was running on Windows at the time) Naurtorox gained access to Ian's Temporary Internet Files. Ian himself didn't halt his seige upon his own room. Yet Ian was lacking his Trojan Horse, and so was failing in entering his room. Naurtorox, however, was having the time of his life! He had discovered an enormous amount of CBP (Cat Bondage Pr0n) on Ian's computer. It was enough to send Ian down to the Chatterbox for at least a month! To be smothered in the fiery hell of flamers and fangirls.

Ian, meanwhile, at found his Trojan Horse. He began to meow, very loudly, outside of the room which Naurtorox was in. Naurtorox soon heard the continuous meowing of, what he thought, was a cat outside of the door. Feeling that the cat-in-question was being abused, Naurtorox hurried over to the bedroom door and quickly opened it. Only to be punched in the face by Ian on the other side. Naurtorox coiled back at this blow to his face, and Ian slipped under his guard, grabbed his own computer and threw it out of the bedroom window. Naurtorox was furious, and, recovering from being punched, he leapt upon Ian. However, Ian managed to duck in time and Naurtorox went flying out of the window.

Ian gave a sigh of relief, and took a glance out of well-broken window. He managed to see Naurtorox float off in the river of sewage below the house. Ian gave yet another sigh of relief, and slouched down on his computer chair.

Naurtorox washed up upon the shores of Port of Gambino a few hours later. Upon figuring out where he was, Naurtorox began a long trek back to Barton Town. As night fell upon Gaia, Naurtorox was forced to keep walking, afraid of the beasts of the night, such as wolves and McKenzie. Then, quite unexpectantly, the mysterious voice he had heard hours early came to him once again. It was as loud as the howling wind, and as clear as the cloudless night's sky.

"Naurtorox", it called, as it had called out to him on the Barton Town street before. Naurtorox stopped in his tracks, and decided to reply to the mysterious voice:

"hu r u!?" Naurtorox called out to the wind. The wind gave him an answer:

"I am the alpha and the omega." Naurtorox gasped. The young roleplaying officer knelt down on the dusty road under him, and bowed, whispering:

"R u Gaya beta?"

"No." The wind answered. "I am the commander of all of all the data on Gaia."

A more audible gasp escaped from Naurtorox, and his bow lowered further towards the ground. "ur bill gates!" Naurtorox announced with glee. But the wind groaned, and said:

"No you idiot. I'm Lanzer! The Great One!"

"wot do u wnt 4rom me?" Naurtorox asked. Secretly, he was hoping that it wasn't BDSM. But Naurtorox knew of Lanzer's Google image searching. He knew what the Great Lord looked at whenever he wasn't tending to his followers.

"I want you to send Ian to jail." The Great Lord told the officer. Naurtorox sighed, and then asked:

"y?"

This sent the Great Lord into a great rant about how he had been at a party once. Nine months later the Great Lord had received a phone call from a screaming baby Ian on the other end of the line. Since Naurtorox had been in the same situation as the Great Lord before with a whore he met in the Personals, the young officer agreed to his god's commands. Two months later Naurtorox confronted Ian once again.

It was actually on Hotguy4u's stag night before being married to a 20g-a-time whore that he had met in the Personals two months previously. The party group travelled from bar to bar within the Chatterbox, not giving a care for what the morning after would feel like. Then, late into the night, a mysterious cloaked stranger entered the bar the party team were dwelling in. The cloaked man grabbed Naurtorox by the arm, and lead him away from his group and out of the bar. Before the young officer could question the stranger, the hooded man brought him to a dark and eerie alleyway and said:

"I am your Lord." But in response, a very skeptical Naurtorox replied:

"nd im dri lol" But as those letters left his finger-tips, a storm suddenly came over Barton Town. This was very unusual, since storms don't usually occur in well-drawn anime towns. That was all it took (well, as well as a flash of OMG hatness from the cloaked stranger) to persuade Naurtorox that the cloaked stranger was who he said he was.

"Where is Ian?" Questioned the hooded Great Lord.

"alive mayb" Replied Naurto, unsure.

"Ian has turned evil, my loyal follower." Lanzer told the Gaian Roleplaying Officer. Naurtorox nodded, and Lanzer continued:

"o wel i fink he woz a perv anywy" Naurtorox chuckled. Lanzer gave one of his FROWNS OF ULTIMATE POWER! Naurtorox sighed and set off towards Ian's house, knocking what must be done.

Chapter Three - Jealous Gino

At three in the morning (EST time, obviously), Naurtorox found himself knocking upon Ian's new front door, knowing that his god would be watching from far above. Of course, you and I both know that Lanzer was looking for twinkies at the time. However, the Great Lord did return in time to see the disturbing site of Ian answering his own door in his briefs. Because of this little factor, Lanzer was forced to delete all memory of this happening, this NPCs in underpants is an obvious brief of the ToS.

Moving swiftly on, Naurtorox used his awesome n00b powers of flaming to gain entry into Ian's home, and arrest him. Ian, now in shackles, was forced into Barton City Jail overnight. Happy, Naurtorox returned to his partying duties and Lanzer was pleased with his performance, so Lanzer set out to find himself some more twinkies. However, unknown to both the Great Lord and his loyal police officer, things were about to take yet another turn for the worse.

Many months later, after Ian had been (with the "help" of Lanzer) convicted of several bestiality charges and a number of concerns were raised regarding Ian's Personals addiction. The judge decided that Ian should be locked up until the admins wrote him a decent storyline. And so it was decided, and so it was done.

Ian, now the official 'sad NPC of the month' (which makes a change from Gino, since he gets depressed about the Baneful on Gino yaoi fangirls) spent his time in jail listening to 99 Red Balloons religiously and living off rats. Then, one night, he was awoken by a mysterious ninja who had magically broken into his cell without alerting the guards (as mysterious ninjas do). Ian and the mysterious, masked ninja fled the jail and arrived back at Ian's home, where the ninja revealed its true identity.

It was Gino. Sick of Ian taking all of his depressing rewards, Gino had decided to break his rival out of jail by himself. Informing Ian that he must return to his master's father's side, Gino leaped away into the night. Ian was left upon his doorstep. With a great sigh of relief, he let himself into his house.

Chapter Four - Gino's Secrets

The following morning the men (and some of the women) of Gaia heard of the jailbreak and how Ian had escaped from his prison cell on the morning hentai news. Just as Cindy was about to strip of for her webcam viewers report on the day's sport, the transmission was interupted. It was Johnny Gambino, broadcasting from an "unknown" location his backyard in an effort to explain where his son was the previous night, and to take him out of the possible suspects. However, Gambino ended up sounding extremely silly when he claimed that Gino was with a woman the previous night, since I'm sure we all know Gino is completely gay.

Down at the Gaian Police thread, the officers were putting the phrase 'rofl' to good use when they heard of Gambino's announcement. After the investigators had recovered, they called Gino in for questioning:

"Where were you last night, Gino Gambino?" The officer questioned his suspect. Gino quickly repiled with his well-scripted answer:

"I was with a woman, as my father said!" The officer questioning Gino sniggered slightly, and repeated his original question. Gino searched his mind for a genuine-sounding cover story. He found none.

Meanwhile, Lanzer was staring at the events in the interview room in the Gaian Police Station as if it was a supernatural sitcom crossed with a pregnant flaming thread. But, alas, when the Great Lord saw of Gino's plight, he decided to asist. Calling out to Gino just as he had first called out to Naurtorox over a year before. Gino, as Naurton00b had done, looked around the room. Like the clueless idiot he was. Lanzer told him exactly what to say, and Gino repeated him:

"I was with... another man." Gino began. As for the rest of the interview, the log had to be destroyed, so that the Gaian people would never find out about the secrets Lanzer had told Gino to reveal about himself that day.

With one of his major NPCs happily safe, Lanzer turned to dealing with Ian, once again.

Chapter Five - The Dealings of Ian

Dri, one of the higher priests on the Mod Council at the time, contacted the Gaian Police with the Great Lord's orders. Lanzer had decided not to let Naurtorox carry out the Great Lord's will. For one, Ian was being even more paranoid than normal and had managed to break into the legendary GAIAN BETA which was not due out for a couple of centuries yet. Ian, using his uber haxx0r skillz that he had inheitered from Lanzer, had managed to break into the SACRED TEST SERVER OF DOOM and got himself a nice supply of weapons. Only one thing could take down a paranoid cat abuser:

An army of illerate roleplayers. And that's exactly what the Gaian Police was made up of. All available officers were set around to Ian's Barton Town residence, to flush out the person within. Naurtorox and a few of his partying friends had a strange feeling about what they would find inside, but they let their comrades raid the place anyway.

The Force didn't find anything. As the unit were about to return to their base thread, Inuyasha94 (the commander of the division) recivied an urgent PM from Control:

"omg inyu ppl ave spotted ian on teh hill ova tehre!!11" Inuyasha94 told his men, trotting off towards the hill in the middle of Barton Town West Field. His loyal troops raced after him. But as they passed through the outside walls of Barton Town, Inuyasha94 stopped in his tracks. Upon the grassy hill before them, Ian stood in front of a great, stone altar. But what shocked the men of the Gaian Police was the animal which was tied onto the altar: It was Rufus, Ian's HALF CAT-GUY, HALF VAMPIRE, HALF ANGEL, HALF TECHNI MUYO son. Recovering from the inital shock, the officers ran towards the maddened incest lover. But Ian raised a shotgun (well, it was er... a magical shotgun with plus one attack against orcs, of course) above his head and fired it into the air. The police officers stopped once again.

Except for Naurtorox, for he was driven on by the Great Lord chanting support into the young officer's brain like a pretty, high school cheerleader. Naurtorox found himself screaming flames at the crazy NPC upon the hill in front of him. Ian fired his magical shotgun at the advancing officer, yet the Great Lord's magic deflected the bullet away from his loyal follower. Ian was taken back. He reloaded and fired again. The bullet was deflected. Reload. Deflect. Reload.

Until Naurtorox finally reached his target. It took less than a minute for Ian to fall to the masses of flames which spawned from officer's fingertips. A few seconds later, Ian was well an truly dead.

Chapter Six - The End

Ian was burned two days later before his ashes were scattered by a weeping Ruby just on the edge of Bass'ken Lake. However, just before Ian's body was burned to ashes, the Mod Council commissioned Gambino's G Corp to create a clone of Ian. Between the many months of the real Ian being killed by our n00b hero and a cloned Ian taking his place, the Halloween event occured. Of course, everyone was made to believe by the Patriots admins that G Corp was attempting to research ultimate brain function, but instead it really was an experiment in an attempt to clone Ian. Many of you will of noticed that Ian's shop was still open during these months, and that Ian was still resident within. But the Ian you saw there was actually a cardboard version of Ian with a looped tape of typical Ianish catchphrases!

The cloned Ian, however, turned out looking more sinister than his prequel. However, the newer Ian is much friendlier and much less perverted than the true Ian.

Our n00b hero, however, was quickly banned for his murderous flaming activities and all records of him were quickly swept under the carpet by the Mod Council. The tale was only passed on by a few of the witnesses which were in the police unit at the time. Most of them, however, had been bribed or killed off by workers of the Mod Council. So, how did I learn of this great tale of the Great Lord's last real connection with some random person of the community?

...

Blame it on the Barton Lake Monster.

The entire Old Testament of the Gaian Bible ranks at a whopping 11,677 words! Well done for reading it all!

[Autograph]

Misc.

No everyone, this isn't another book of the Old Testament. This post is simply here to deal with random things which have arisen with the creation of this thread.

[Autograph]

Follower List

To explain this simply, I shall list the people who certainly believe in the teachings of the Gaian Bible. To be listed here, all you have to say is that you wish to be added to the list. I won't assume you do or don't want to be added if you don't say anything. So, this list is quite official, unlike many other threads that have 'members' (but they are really just usernames randomly added for the sake of it).

1. Autograph (obviously)
2. Orange Prophet (again, obviously)
3. Melaisis
4. Jay Sandberg
5. Anizaki
6. Mad cobra
7. G-aia
8. I Kill Spies!
9. Kito-san
10. ThePrizeFighterInferno
11. dragons375
12. i9toohappy
13. RubyRays
14. DON.atello
15. Chase_hacked
16. Kamikaze67
17. waterwarior
18. Dark Warp
19. kellyta
20. outlawed
21. Gracie101
22. The_Enchanted_Butterfly
23. EX-Wolf
24. Shiney Lipgloss
25. Teragan
26. better than you
27. EmperorFluffzors
28. Ciz
29. Dwayna DragonFire
30. SevenTen
31. dragonteenager
32. Tsukiora
33. GamerAeris
34. Sazzarah
35. enshokukitsune
36. `A l i c e C u l l e n
37. Moondial
38. No Discount
39. [Setsuna]
40. [Bloody Angel]

NOTE: IF I HAVE MISSED YOU OFF (Which is likely). HARASS ME VIA PM TO PUT YOU ON ZEE LIST!

[Autograph]

Orange Prophet

The Orange Prophet is a user which a few of the early Bible readers have suggested to be created. Orange Prophet's duty is to go around preaching about the Gaian Bible. Setting n00bs on the right track to the Way of Peace. You might see some of his threads around the Chatterbox (since the people there obviously are the most needy to be converted). Oh, yes, and enshokukitsune deserves all the credit for naming him when we discovered all the other possible names were disregarded.

Oh, and since Orange Prophet’s a worker of the church – send him donations and he’ll make sure they go to a proper, non-scamming charity!

[Autograph]

General Questions

Q: Is the the original Gaian Bible?

A: Yes... and no. It is said that the stickies and other helpful threads (such as the infamous 'Be Nice Bible') could be classed as 'Gaian Bibles'. However, I think this is the first Gaian Bible to completely document the er... 'happenings' of early Gaia. xp There was also a Church of Mod way pior this, and many of the Mod Council ideas were based (but not taken, as the CoM had basically no manifesto) from them.

Q: Did you, Autograph, write it all?

A: Yes. All of it. I stole sarcastic rumours from oldbie users here and there, but I compiled it all and put it into humourous context. The smart ones amongst you will be able to see the sly real Bible references.

[Autograph]

Holidays!

Every damn thread in Community Projects wants its own day nowadays. So, why should the great Gaian Bible be any different, eh? So, here they all are, in order. Whether they are relative to the New or Old Testaments is pointed out clearly by [NT] or [OT] next to the title. How we should actually celebrate them is entire open to debate - so post about that, too:


Febuary 18th - Gaia Creationist Day [OT] - Obvious. Back in 2003 (The Year Alpha) Gaia was officially created by the Great Lord Lanzer.

April 19th - Jakobo Day [NT] - The day when Jakobo joined Gaia. A day to give thanks for all his... her... his hard work.

June 3rd - Old Testament Appriciation Day [OT] - This was the day I first published the Old Testament for all the world to see back in '04.

August 12th - New Testament Appriciation Day [NT] - This was the day I first published the New Testament, picked out mistakes in the Old Testament, and (with the help of Seth) combined the two into this thread.

October 27th - Deathday of Death [NT] - All dress in flame clothes to symbolise the limited freedom that the Chatterbox gained from the death of Death.

[Autograph]

[RESERVED. SEE THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE NEW TESTAMENT]

[Autograph]

[RESERVED. SEE THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE NEW TESTAMENT]

[Autograph]

[RESERVED. SEE THE NEXT PAGE FOR THE NEW TESTAMENT]