Dino
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- Posted: Sat, 02 Apr 2005 09:51:07 +0000
Here comes an ED crackpot theory. DISCLAIMER: None of these opinions are meant to be taken seriously. EVAR. They wanted crackpot theories. I'm giving one. I'm a writer for PCB, and should NOT be taken seriously.
Last time, I uncovered the sick plot involved with testing the abilities of the new reporting system. And as you all probably have discovered, the reporting system can handle a LOT. An unnamed mod told me that even after sending a series of roughly 40 or 50 reports in a row, I’d still only accounted for 10% of her total inbox space with the reports. What can all of this mean? As you all know, gentle readers, I have done some digging around, and have found answers for you.
It all began this Sunday, during the Easter Event. Of course, it would mean an enormous influx of users (and yes, I really do love that word – influx, not users) as usual. It would also mean that an Easter bunny who looks cute and fluffy would have been promptly devoured by the n00bish hordes. This is a well-documented fact, as can be witnessed by the release of the KiKi Kitty stuffed animal that said n00bs may wear adorning their empty-headed skulls. Every single time you entered a thread wearing one, at least five of them would form a clan, PM you, and hope that your resistance could be worn down by spam. Unfortunately, to one whose PM system is blocked to all but friends, no amount of spamming, drooling idiocy will help. They’ll simply have to go whore themselves elsewhere.
What was I talking about? Oh, right. The bunny. Look at his massive size. The beautifully interlocking metal pieces. The giant “carrot” as he kept calling it. It’s quite obvious what his true purpose on Gaia is. You know it as well as I do. And if you don’t know it, I’ll cheerfully clear all that up ... later.
Now, let’s bear in mind the people who would most likely be employing said bunny. Who were the ones hosting the Easter event? Who were the ones still stinging over the perceived insult of owning all the festivities of the Gaian ball with his pins? The one who made all their swag seem like so many pieces of cheap plastic? The one who exposed them for the stingy little misers they are? Gambino. Who else?
The last time they’d hosted a major even, Gambino had crashed the party, and made things quite uncomfortable for him, until security had to come along and take care of business. This time, the twisted sisters made a decision to be proactive, and employ their easily visible security warning system ahead of time. Not only did the bunny guard the main entrance to Barton town, thereby foiling any attempts at passage for people he didn’t deem worthy, but this ferocious fuzzball (in a matter of speaking) was roaming around all over the Gaia map, with the pretense of hiding the baskets in various places. As usual, the Von Helsons were again exposed for the miserly beasts they so notoriously are. A cheap chicky mask, and a cheap ducky mask – both cheap imitation knock-offs of the far more desirable hats of yesteryear.
So what was the point of the entire party, if there was no purpose to collecting the items? I’ll get to that in a minute as well.
If any of you noticed, Gambino seems to have gone off his rocker, by climbing up to the top of his mansion, and cackling with all the fury of a thousand mad scientists. There, he lurks until his loyal Gaians pass by. The ones who donated get a free Anti- VonHelson sign. Those who didn’t donate are welcome to pay the 1000 gold fee to get a sign. Again, Gambino is outclassing the VonHelsons, whose sign was a mere 500 gold each. Time and again, Gambino has made it clear who the victor in the battle of the riches will be.
He hasn’t however, emerged as a clear winner in the real battle. The physical battle that will rage throughout Gaia, for months on end, until the issue between the aristocracy is resolved. You’ll have those rabid Gambino supporters, who are mewling and fawning on the man who proved to be far more wealthy, and hoping to suckle at his wealthy, wealthy teat. (Try sleeping at night with THAT mental image.) You’ll have the drooling VonHelson followers, too scared of the amount of damage that being on the wrong side of The Rabbit would have on their persons to side with Gambino. In case you haven’t noticed, that Rabbit is not a collection of tin cans – he’s a solid mass of steel with a carrot that could take anyone down in one single swipe.
And so what if there is a forum battle raging over the supremacy of one over the other? No big deal, right? Wrong. There are always forces at play that would make the average user scream in shock and terror. That’s why I’m here for you, gentle reader – to make sure that you have the facts even before they become facts. My sole concern is to keep you all prepared to report as much as you need to. What does the one have to do with the other? Well, if you’d stop asking so many questions, I might be able to get to answering them.
All finished? Lovely. Thank you.
Now begin factoring in all these ... factors in your head if you will, dear reader. What does all this mean? As I’ve shown you in the past, the real reasons may not always surface, but they do lurk in the unseemly underbelly of the minds of those who run this place. What does it all mean?
The creators are ready to release the Gaian Battle System.
Why else do you think they’ve spent so much time over the plot? Why else would both sides have had to suffer such indignities at the hands of the other? Gambino crashed and tried to ruin the first major social event that the VonHelsons had ever thrown. That was supposed to be their inaugural event – the one that would introduce them to the glory of their family. Instead, Gambino slithered in, with his still confused, amnesiatic son, and secretly tried to promote himself, as he always does. Instead of ensuring his son’s safety, he was gallivanting around town, just like the old days when he was rich. You mean to tell me that someone THAT wealthy doesn’t have a decent insurance policy? A simple phone call would have cleared everything up rather quickly. And then, after the whole VonHelson event was a thorough disaster, with all the “Go Gambino” threads, the VonHelsons resorted to the unthinkable – kidnaping Gino until Gambino promised to leave the premises. Permanently.
After the event, he starts a membership drive on the pretense that he wanted to rebuild his fortune for his son. What does his son need with a house so large that it doesn’t even fit on one map square, but must be stretched over four? This was clearly meant to be a slap in the face. You could even see the tops of the newer, larger Gambino mansion all the way in Durem!
So look at the level of insults that have been flung around. The VonHelsons essentially trapped Gambino in Isle de Gambino. Gambino flaunts his unearned wealth in the face of the VonHelsons, who had to work hard to inherit that money. The two of them making signs to show how much they hate the other. The users rabidly buying up said signs like Lunar Capes. No, my friends. This means war. And what is war made up of? A series of negotiations, that often end in the physical confrontation between two powers.
Translation: Battle.
The Gaian Battle system is coming, folks. So what does that mean for my much beloved ED readers? It means that you’ll all have to be on extra strong vigilant guard to prevent the even larger flood of n00bs that will come in, drooling to do battle with sexy avatars, and finally get the chance to “pwn” the “zomg elitists” that kept telling them that ED is not meant for a one-word post. They grow moist with anticipation for the day that they can bump for hours on end, buy some weapons, and slam it into the face of every single person who reported their brilliant thesis on the overwhelming suffering that the human race faces on a daily basis. In fact, that thesis is so brilliant, that it’s all conveyed in a single emoticon! How could anyone be crazy enough to report such a work of pure genius? This is the chance they’ve all been waiting for.
They will strike fear and terror into the hearts of those who frequent all the other forums. Why? Because they will come in droves. It will start with a small trickle, with only about ten or twenty misplaced posts that everyone can easily handle. The next day, each person will have to report ten or twenty posts EACH to keep up with the deluge of spam. Finally, in a week or two, the n00bs will be crawling all over every corner, spamming with a sickening glee usually reserved for those fat kids who like to burn ants with their glasses.
And every time someone tells the idiot where the post really belongs, the n00b will reply with a haughty, “If you don’t like it, let’s take it to battle.”
I fear for you, my dearest readers. Hasten to prepare yourselves for that deluge. And of course, keep reporting.
Last time, I uncovered the sick plot involved with testing the abilities of the new reporting system. And as you all probably have discovered, the reporting system can handle a LOT. An unnamed mod told me that even after sending a series of roughly 40 or 50 reports in a row, I’d still only accounted for 10% of her total inbox space with the reports. What can all of this mean? As you all know, gentle readers, I have done some digging around, and have found answers for you.
It all began this Sunday, during the Easter Event. Of course, it would mean an enormous influx of users (and yes, I really do love that word – influx, not users) as usual. It would also mean that an Easter bunny who looks cute and fluffy would have been promptly devoured by the n00bish hordes. This is a well-documented fact, as can be witnessed by the release of the KiKi Kitty stuffed animal that said n00bs may wear adorning their empty-headed skulls. Every single time you entered a thread wearing one, at least five of them would form a clan, PM you, and hope that your resistance could be worn down by spam. Unfortunately, to one whose PM system is blocked to all but friends, no amount of spamming, drooling idiocy will help. They’ll simply have to go whore themselves elsewhere.
What was I talking about? Oh, right. The bunny. Look at his massive size. The beautifully interlocking metal pieces. The giant “carrot” as he kept calling it. It’s quite obvious what his true purpose on Gaia is. You know it as well as I do. And if you don’t know it, I’ll cheerfully clear all that up ... later.
Now, let’s bear in mind the people who would most likely be employing said bunny. Who were the ones hosting the Easter event? Who were the ones still stinging over the perceived insult of owning all the festivities of the Gaian ball with his pins? The one who made all their swag seem like so many pieces of cheap plastic? The one who exposed them for the stingy little misers they are? Gambino. Who else?
The last time they’d hosted a major even, Gambino had crashed the party, and made things quite uncomfortable for him, until security had to come along and take care of business. This time, the twisted sisters made a decision to be proactive, and employ their easily visible security warning system ahead of time. Not only did the bunny guard the main entrance to Barton town, thereby foiling any attempts at passage for people he didn’t deem worthy, but this ferocious fuzzball (in a matter of speaking) was roaming around all over the Gaia map, with the pretense of hiding the baskets in various places. As usual, the Von Helsons were again exposed for the miserly beasts they so notoriously are. A cheap chicky mask, and a cheap ducky mask – both cheap imitation knock-offs of the far more desirable hats of yesteryear.
So what was the point of the entire party, if there was no purpose to collecting the items? I’ll get to that in a minute as well.
If any of you noticed, Gambino seems to have gone off his rocker, by climbing up to the top of his mansion, and cackling with all the fury of a thousand mad scientists. There, he lurks until his loyal Gaians pass by. The ones who donated get a free Anti- VonHelson sign. Those who didn’t donate are welcome to pay the 1000 gold fee to get a sign. Again, Gambino is outclassing the VonHelsons, whose sign was a mere 500 gold each. Time and again, Gambino has made it clear who the victor in the battle of the riches will be.
He hasn’t however, emerged as a clear winner in the real battle. The physical battle that will rage throughout Gaia, for months on end, until the issue between the aristocracy is resolved. You’ll have those rabid Gambino supporters, who are mewling and fawning on the man who proved to be far more wealthy, and hoping to suckle at his wealthy, wealthy teat. (Try sleeping at night with THAT mental image.) You’ll have the drooling VonHelson followers, too scared of the amount of damage that being on the wrong side of The Rabbit would have on their persons to side with Gambino. In case you haven’t noticed, that Rabbit is not a collection of tin cans – he’s a solid mass of steel with a carrot that could take anyone down in one single swipe.
And so what if there is a forum battle raging over the supremacy of one over the other? No big deal, right? Wrong. There are always forces at play that would make the average user scream in shock and terror. That’s why I’m here for you, gentle reader – to make sure that you have the facts even before they become facts. My sole concern is to keep you all prepared to report as much as you need to. What does the one have to do with the other? Well, if you’d stop asking so many questions, I might be able to get to answering them.
All finished? Lovely. Thank you.
Now begin factoring in all these ... factors in your head if you will, dear reader. What does all this mean? As I’ve shown you in the past, the real reasons may not always surface, but they do lurk in the unseemly underbelly of the minds of those who run this place. What does it all mean?
The creators are ready to release the Gaian Battle System.
Why else do you think they’ve spent so much time over the plot? Why else would both sides have had to suffer such indignities at the hands of the other? Gambino crashed and tried to ruin the first major social event that the VonHelsons had ever thrown. That was supposed to be their inaugural event – the one that would introduce them to the glory of their family. Instead, Gambino slithered in, with his still confused, amnesiatic son, and secretly tried to promote himself, as he always does. Instead of ensuring his son’s safety, he was gallivanting around town, just like the old days when he was rich. You mean to tell me that someone THAT wealthy doesn’t have a decent insurance policy? A simple phone call would have cleared everything up rather quickly. And then, after the whole VonHelson event was a thorough disaster, with all the “Go Gambino” threads, the VonHelsons resorted to the unthinkable – kidnaping Gino until Gambino promised to leave the premises. Permanently.
After the event, he starts a membership drive on the pretense that he wanted to rebuild his fortune for his son. What does his son need with a house so large that it doesn’t even fit on one map square, but must be stretched over four? This was clearly meant to be a slap in the face. You could even see the tops of the newer, larger Gambino mansion all the way in Durem!
So look at the level of insults that have been flung around. The VonHelsons essentially trapped Gambino in Isle de Gambino. Gambino flaunts his unearned wealth in the face of the VonHelsons, who had to work hard to inherit that money. The two of them making signs to show how much they hate the other. The users rabidly buying up said signs like Lunar Capes. No, my friends. This means war. And what is war made up of? A series of negotiations, that often end in the physical confrontation between two powers.
Translation: Battle.
The Gaian Battle system is coming, folks. So what does that mean for my much beloved ED readers? It means that you’ll all have to be on extra strong vigilant guard to prevent the even larger flood of n00bs that will come in, drooling to do battle with sexy avatars, and finally get the chance to “pwn” the “zomg elitists” that kept telling them that ED is not meant for a one-word post. They grow moist with anticipation for the day that they can bump for hours on end, buy some weapons, and slam it into the face of every single person who reported their brilliant thesis on the overwhelming suffering that the human race faces on a daily basis. In fact, that thesis is so brilliant, that it’s all conveyed in a single emoticon! How could anyone be crazy enough to report such a work of pure genius? This is the chance they’ve all been waiting for.
They will strike fear and terror into the hearts of those who frequent all the other forums. Why? Because they will come in droves. It will start with a small trickle, with only about ten or twenty misplaced posts that everyone can easily handle. The next day, each person will have to report ten or twenty posts EACH to keep up with the deluge of spam. Finally, in a week or two, the n00bs will be crawling all over every corner, spamming with a sickening glee usually reserved for those fat kids who like to burn ants with their glasses.
And every time someone tells the idiot where the post really belongs, the n00b will reply with a haughty, “If you don’t like it, let’s take it to battle.”
I fear for you, my dearest readers. Hasten to prepare yourselves for that deluge. And of course, keep reporting.
