Staff Interview: Cashmere Cactus
For this month's staff interview, we asked the relatively fresh-faced writer meatless to interview the veteran half of Gaia's wordsmithing team, Cashmere Cactus. This is what we got.
M: Cashmere Cactus, our close working relationship on the writing team has led me to ask a number of questions, such as, "Is this guy seriously my boss?" and "Did Cashmere Cactus just push a dog into traffic?!" It's my great pleasure to get the chance to ask you about this in a public forum.
M: If you would please remove the wad of tobacco from your cheek, I'd like to begin. Oh, my mistake, I didn't realize that was actually a baby's skeleton you were chewing on. Disgusting.
M: First question: how long have you been at Gaia and what do you do here?
CC: I've been here since 2006. I was originally hired to do customer support stuff, but during my interview Lanzer saw that all my experience was in writing, so they started making me write more and more stuff until I became Gaia's full-time writer about a month after I was hired.
M: Who do you think hates you the most? Or is it impossible to pick just one person?
CC: Besides you? That's a tough one. Probably Ling, because I've been sitting next to her for years and she's been building up resentment the whole time. Plus, she's a belligerent drunk, so it's in her basic nature to hate people.
M: Co-workers have described you as "a Johnny Gambino-esque tyrant but without the charm or talent." Why is your personality so disagreable?
CC: I think the main thing people find repulsive about me, aside from the obvious physical stuff, is my rural hillbilly cussedness. But I guess that's WHAT is disagreeable about my personality, rather than WHY my personality is disagreeable-- if you want to track down the motivations behind my terrible behavior, you'd probably have to hire a psychiatrist.
M: Over the years you've had a guiding hand in many Gaia projects. Which did you screw up the worst, and why did you do that on purpose?
CC: Older Gaians will remember those animated plot videos we commissioned for Halloween back in 2007 or so. They were a huge disaster, and we all knew it way before we released them. I didn't make them, but my biggest regret is that I didn't try hard enough to sweep those things under the rug and make sure they never got released. Now we just try to pretend they never happened.
M: As a writer whose skills are grossly over-valued, I know you've contributed to a number of other publications. What are your other passions in life? What do you write about when you're defrauding Gaia of time and money?
CC: I write a music column for a big weekly paper and some stuff for a humor website, among other things. Other than writing, my passions include chilling, cold lamping, maxing and/or relaxing. I'm also an award-winning lover and an avid wearer of shoes.
Of all the criminal charges currently pending against you, which do you most deserve to be punished for?
CC: I'm not supposed to comment on pending litigation, but in general I don't think I deserve to be punished for any of the terrible things I do. I consider myself above the law. Everything always pretty much works out in my favor, so I'm reasonably sure I can just coast through life being horrible to everyone and never get my comeuppance.
M: If one person was going to be in charge of the writing team and it wasn't you, who should it be?
CC: You want me to say "you," don't you? Never going to happen. I'll cling to my meaningless authority as long as I possibly can, just to prevent you from being promoted. I will bury you.
M: You're drinking already? It's not even lunch. No, help yourself, I'll take care of the EI Report while you sleep it off. At least you came to the office today.
CC: Fix me two more whiskey sours and I promise not to rip up your paycheck.
This is Cindy Donovinh, signing off for Gaia 9 Action News. Happy Valentine's, everyone!
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