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Great idea!
I've hated the Minilurve since the fist day I came.
It's about time someone showed them up.
By the way, I like the Saul Williams.
I never actually have read his work before, but now I'll look into it.
I'd like to see this work.



But its already two pages of Lurve type chatter. With a cleverly placed poem that was mentioned one or two times casually.
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I'd like to see this work.



But its already two pages of Lurve type chatter. With a cleverly placed poem that was mentioned one or two times casually.


Of course.
It's new, and people have to get over that fact. Let the hype die down, and the ball will start to roll. Also, if everyone would stop putting the two cents of naysaying (Disco) and actually write, there wouldn't be all of the chitter-chatter.

Perhaps the piece of my choosing is too difficult for you masses?
maybe start with something easier? surprised
parallax protected
maybe start with something easier? surprised


Nah.
I can do it, if it stays up for too long.
Besides, Astaire will take a shot at it.
I'm just giving her the time.
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parallax protected
maybe start with something easier? surprised


Nah.
I can do it, if it stays up for too long.
Besides, Astaire will take a shot at it.
I'm just giving her the time.


Yeah, if "taking a shot" means "taking a s**t," because this attempt is absolutely awful.

So, here's what I tried to capture here: Saul Williams has an amazing use of repetition and constant, constant imagery.

Mainly, though, I notice that he has an affinity for strong messages. So, above all, I tried to write a poem with a strong message.

I failed. Miserably. But perhaps you can all take a shot at this one (since I'm wondering if it has any redeeming value):




Girls,
there's a Hunger under the streets:
it feeds on our guts; our glory; it fills
its belly with the stars in the sky. It smashes
streetlamps and laps up the light
in our eyes. The starving strike a match
and light their white-wax bones on fire,
just to keep warm where the Hunger
has swallowed the sun.

Thin girls walk single-file to gyms, Sunday schools,
malls: narrow hallways lead to labyrinths
of monsters who consume the living
and Slim-Fast with the flavoring absent.
Lost among the pretenders,
Mothers turn to bartenders, perfecting the art
of wasting into machines, sweating
into a shotglass so the Hunger can shoot
it down with a bit of sugar to
soften the taste.

But I see the skeleton girls shot down
in gustatory wars between the image and the sounds:
a thousand crude voices with venomous spit
burning my body 'til there's nothing left of it but
the pits of my stomach, turning where there once
was a yearning but now there's nothing but a sidewalk
covered in broken branches: bodies become twigs
and we're all breaking. Girls, there's a Hunger
and it's shaking the streets; if you feel it growling
beneath your feet, run and
don't let it take you
under.
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Perhaps the piece of my choosing is too difficult for you masses?


rofl

Repetition of sounds, loads of imagery - and yet makes no sense?
Please, anyone can mimic that. They just need a sound to kick it off.


Mind you, the sound that Williams makes is amazing, gorgeous, etc., but the problem is that Saul Williams is not there to emphasize what he wants to emphasize.

What would make Mr. Williams totally awesome is some kind of clarity.


I'll play this game.
Astaire, get the ball rolling.
Can I play?
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Can I play?


That's like asking to play a game of baseball after you've thrown for the first inning.

Shoot, somebody should move.
This feels so snooty. Not only must I discuss poetry and writings in college, but in a forum too? Eh, this will have to grow on me. I don't know why you let the lurve bother you so much; it's just a forum, with an occasional t**t. I survive it. But i'll give this p***k-forum a chance. wink
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Hm. Should I start over? I mean, if you want the focus to be the sound of the piece, I could attempt that, too...
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Astaire
Hm. Should I start over? I mean, if you want the focus to be the sound of the piece, I could attempt that, too...


What, are we all going to be Saul Williams at the moment?

Let's discuss your poem.

Why'd you repeat what you repeated?
Seeds of hope are planted.
Maybe the growth of a technological beast may be seen.
Maybe the sheen of fallen dreams will
shower the soil clean until, there's
nothing left but to be.
Perhaps in being a new idea will arise.
One where pitiful lies don't
reach out to realise
a grasp in a childrens breath.
Where every word has something left.
Where the sinister plots of mindrot
can't find a holding spot, and
time doesn't make us bereft.

These seeds carry the evidence of man.
These seeds carry with them
time unbound by simple restraints, or
walls so easily destroyed,
no matter how toyed with.
no matter the taint that refuses to wash clean.
If one man has a dream,
then we rise to the occasion.
One silent scream leads to the
path of procrastination.
Maybe this is just my jubilation
boiling over until the
masses see things in a new atmosphere.
If not, then what are we doing here?



(and that is where my IM went off, and I totally lost my train of thought. redface )
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Gambol
[Let's discuss your poem.

Why'd you repeat what you repeated?


Right, right. Sounds good to me.

Girls and Hunger were the two things I tried to repeat most in the poem: mostly because I wanted the two to be connected. I don't know if I should give the meaning of the poem away, but they are the two most important ideas in the poem, so I figured they deserved repetition for emphasis.

The repetition of "shoot" as "shot" was supposed to be a connection between the Hunger swallowing and the girls being "shot down" as it were. Don't know if that came through.
Ganapati
This feels so snooty. Not only must I discuss poetry and writings in college, but in a forum too? Eh, this will have to grow on me. I don't know why you let the lurve bother you so much; it's just a forum, with an occasional t**t. I survive it. But i'll give this p***k-forum a chance. wink


Ah-ah.
Be nice.
My opinions are mine alone, and the reason I left said forum was because of half cocked, and smartassed remarks such as the one you just made. This is my little slice of the OP/L..If you don't agree with it, there are plenty of people talking s**t about it/me in the Minilurve. Go join them, please. 3nodding

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