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It's a Naruto story :3... Just want to get your comments on it...

Chapter One: "Stop It"


(I didn't expect for me to end up in a place like this, but it happened. Why? I was born.)

Naruto Narration- "italic"

(9 year old Naruto)

"So stupid"

The words echoed in my mind like water flowing in a river.

I stood there as my "siblings" circled around me, pointing and laughing at me. I didn't want to cry, but they words were like mosquitos sucking blood… life out of me. I kneeled down and covered my face. I felt hot tears ran down my stain cheeks.

"Oh, look at the wussy cry"

It was my older brother, Kaito, making fun of me. I suddenly fell flat on my face; I got up slowly trying to rub the grass stain off of my face. I looked around vaguely and saw my siblings laughing at me. I was scared; I quickly got up and ran to the house as fast as my little legs would let me.

"Naruto" my mother said running up to me. "Who did this?" she said.

She lifted my up and placed me on the counter. "I am going to deal with those children" she said as she wiped my face gently. "Don't cry… Okay? Be a strong boy"

"Yes ma'am, I'll be strong for you" I said giving her my big smile.

She kissed me on my forehead softly and placed a cookie in my hand. "Don't tell your father" she said grinning at me.

My mother, Kushina, is the kindest woman I know, she loves everyone. She's a special person and I wished I could've been strong just like she wanted me too.

"Mom, how come Naruto has a cookie. I want one"

It was my younger sister, Atsuko, she resembled my mother, she had her red long hair and nice sky blue eyes, but she didn't have a heart like my mom… our mom.

"No" she simply said. "You can get one after dinner"

"But MOM it's not fair" Atsuko said.

"I SAID NO" my mom snapped.

I saw as the tears formed in my sister eyes. She ran out of the kitchen, but before she did, she gave me the most hateful stare which sent chills down my spine.

I looked sadly at the cookie I was holding. "I'll be strong…for mama"

T.T

"Mr. Uzumaki, do I have to call your parents?"

A blonde hair boy lifted his head off of the school desk after hearing his name. He stared at his 5th grade teacher, Iowa. "Uh…?"

stared at the boy. "Please stand up Uzumaki" she said gritting her teeth.

Naruto stood up quickly, but fell to the floor with a thud. The class exploded into laughter. The teacher rubbed her temple as she pointed to the door. "OUT!"

Naruto got up and gave her a big smile. "Sorry sensei. One more chance people" he said begging her.

"NO GET OUT!"

He quickly scurried from his seat and ran out the door. "Stupid teacher" he said kicking imaginary dirt. He sighed. Tears formed in his eyes. "I couldn't even sleep last night" he said rubbing his eyes, making them turn red.

"It wasn't my fault…
It's drab at times, but nonetheless that idea gets the Jobbe done perfectly. If you continue up with this type of Style, then maybe ye can improve your writing uniqueness.
The Lady In Red xXo
It's drab at times, but nonetheless that idea gets the Jobbe done perfectly. If you continue up with this type of Style, then maybe ye can improve your writing uniqueness.

:3 uh thank you
lppurplegirl11's avatar

Witty Phantom

There is a fanfiction subforum that you might get more replies on 3nodding
i know fanfiction.net
i already have an account
Fireweed_honey's avatar

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Yeah, okay. You need to work on your grammar. I caught several mistakes in the story where you put in the wrong word. Like:
Quote:
but they words were

Quote:
One more chance people
.
The first one I'm not sure if you meant but their words were or but the words were as both would make sense. The second one was adding a word that didn't need to be in that sentence. He's begging the teacher, not the class, thus there is no reason for people to be that sentence.

The characters were very cardboard cutout. The old stand-by of "MC has a bad childhood because no one else understood what a special snowflake he really is" is so over used that it's boring. The mom is a b***h for clearly favoring one child over the other. There is no reason for me to like the MC. He's a whiney little boy who gives me the impression he blames others for his faults. He was caught sleeping in class, but he blames the teacher for not understanding him.

There's no hook to this. There's also no emotion. It's very dry. You just lay it out. He's picked on, but nothing to make it connect with the reader. His mom obviously favors him (probably the reason why he's picked on if she treats all the other kids the way she just treated her daughter), but no reason why. If this is a first chapter, I've got no emotional investment to read chapter two. There's really no questions I care to find the answer for.

What you have is a bare bones of a story. I suggest fleshing it out.
Fireweed_honey's avatar

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II_Abnormal_II
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i already have an account


She was actually talking about the fanfiction subforum here on Gaia. It's up at the top of the forum. You'll see a link to Books, Original Stories, Original Poems, Writing Contests and Fanfiction.
Haha thank you very much ^_^
smile I'll try harder to make my story have more emotion o: and i didn't know gaia had one of those
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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Fireweed_honey
II_Abnormal_II
i know fanfiction.net
i already have an account


She was actually talking about the fanfiction subforum here on Gaia. It's up at the top of the forum. You'll see a link to Books, Original Stories, Original Poems, Writing Contests and Fanfiction.


a) How does one miss it and b) how is fanfiction.net a subforum?

I'm confused.
Fireweed_honey's avatar

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I_Write_Ivre
Fireweed_honey
II_Abnormal_II
i know fanfiction.net
i already have an account


She was actually talking about the fanfiction subforum here on Gaia. It's up at the top of the forum. You'll see a link to Books, Original Stories, Original Poems, Writing Contests and Fanfiction.


a) How does one miss it and b) how is fanfiction.net a subforum?

I'm confused.


Join the club. I'm beginning to think that the subforums are a rare mythological breed. A lot of people are missing them these days.
Kita-Ysabell's avatar

Distinct Conversationalist

Fireweed_honey
Join the club. I'm beginning to think that the subforums are a rare mythological breed. A lot of people are missing them these days.
Maybe there's a hidden button if you keep that "forum pulse" thing on to hide the subforums? Subforae?
I_Write_Ivre's avatar

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Kita-Ysabell
Fireweed_honey
Join the club. I'm beginning to think that the subforums are a rare mythological breed. A lot of people are missing them these days.
Maybe there's a hidden button if you keep that "forum pulse" thing on to hide the subforums? Subforae?


Subfora.

I think seeing them and the stickies is an achievement you have to unlock.

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