Please, review me. Rip me to pieces! :3

[Silquestnocte]

- Used to be a thread asking for review, abandoned the story long ago-

[Silquestnocte]

*Bump!*

[Silquestnocte]

*Bump!*

[Silquestnocte]

*Bump!*

[Silquestnocte]

*Bump!*

[Silquestnocte]

*Bump!*

You all make me sad.

[Angelic Reprobate]

I'll be honest I have no idea what this from, but after looking over (I had only a brief view, sorry) I think that the thing to work on most is getting away from she said this, she did this. That's fine in moderation but sometimes leaving it out is good too.

Perhaps it's my personal style but rather than "Lucretia’s heart was nearly in her throat as she saw a concrete wall suddenly appear before her, and then everything was black", I think you could try something like "Heart nearly in her throat, she saw a concrete wall suddenly appear before her. Then everything was black."

So far the story has followed Lucretia, there is no need to mention her again. I turned the last bit (I forget what it's called) into a minor sentence because that sudden shock should be short and alone.

Other little bits, you've got some great description but I (again, it could be personal style) like to use words that stray from the norm. So rather than "cold stone floor" you could use "chilled floor", or even "stone cold floor" which makes use of the common phrase and gets your meaning across.

I hope these little things help smile

[Silquestnocte]

Angelic Reprobate

I'll be honest I have no idea what this from, but after looking over (I had only a brief view, sorry) I think that the thing to work on most is getting away from she said this, she did this. That's fine in moderation but sometimes leaving it out is good too.

Perhaps it's my personal style but rather than "Lucretia’s heart was nearly in her throat as she saw a concrete wall suddenly appear before her, and then everything was black", I think you could try something like "Heart nearly in her throat, she saw a concrete wall suddenly appear before her. Then everything was black."

So far the story has followed Lucretia, there is no need to mention her again. I turned the last bit (I forget what it's called) into a minor sentence because that sudden shock should be short and alone.

Other little bits, you've got some great description but I (again, it could be personal style) like to use words that stray from the norm. So rather than "cold stone floor" you could use "chilled floor", or even "stone cold floor" which makes use of the common phrase and gets your meaning across.

I hope these little things help smile

They do! Thank you very much!

[JustAKitsune]

I like it! I usually don't review, but something about your name got to me. (If you play LoL, and you use the NA server, what's your summoner name?)

[Silquestnocte]

Friendly Kitsune

I like it! I usually don't review, but something about your name got to me. (If you play LoL, and you use the NA server, what's your summoner name?)

Awesome! Was there anything specific that you liked or didn't like?

And sorry, I get alot of people saying my username is a lol reference, but I've never played... *shrug*

[JustAKitsune]

Silenced Nocturne

Friendly Kitsune

I like it! I usually don't review, but something about your name got to me. (If you play LoL, and you use the NA server, what's your summoner name?)

Awesome! Was there anything specific that you liked or didn't like?

And sorry, I get alot of people saying my username is a lol reference, but I've never played... *shrug*

I liked how you did amnesia, its something lots of people try to do, but fail. You suceeded. So, good job! (Play LoL, its lots of fun.)

[Silquestnocte]

Friendly Kitsune

Silenced Nocturne

Friendly Kitsune

I like it! I usually don't review, but something about your name got to me. (If you play LoL, and you use the NA server, what's your summoner name?)

Awesome! Was there anything specific that you liked or didn't like?

And sorry, I get alot of people saying my username is a lol reference, but I've never played... *shrug*

I liked how you did amnesia, its something lots of people try to do, but fail. You suceeded. So, good job! (Play LoL, its lots of fun.)

What happened during the black out will eventually be revealed, but that's gonna be awhile.