Jacob and Bella -Twilight-

[1 like no other]

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[1 like no other]

reserved

[1 like no other]

reserved

[DiStURbeDOuTCasT]

I physically hate Twilight, but that was quite an epic beginning... xp

[Hot yaoilover25]

jacob is better than edward literally

[xXJaKeS_ReNeSmEeXx]

1 like no other

XxJaKeS_WiiFeYxX

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

dude give it a break... she's 16 sweatdrop sweatdrop

I would have liked to keep my age to myself.

sorry stressed

[1 like no other]

Sorry guys. I've been having bad writer's block.

[mingmingchi]

NNOOOHOOHOHOOHOHOH!!!!!!!! Not Jake!!! Edward is the right monster for you, Bella!! xD

[fralazeneX99]

Jacob has more of a reason to love Bella, if not before than during New Moon (I haven't read them in while, so I may be wrong about which book this is in). They play together, understand each other (not a lot, but more than Edward), and are friends. He is more normal looking than Edward. I mean, seriously, Edward is just going out with her because she smells good. Jacob's friends are even nicer than Edward's.

[Nacht-Ritter]

Protector0115

Nacht-Ritter

1 like no other

What Could Have Happened

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

You b*****d!

You made Poor Yotsuba-chan cry through you're suckishness, your blatant self insertion, your ignoring the rules of dialogue.

Please, for humanity, die in a fire.

Harsh much?

No. Perhaps a little lenient, even.

The only thing worse than Twilight, is Twilight Fanfiction.

[rachelbeginsx]

I would just like to say that it doesn't matter if you're just writing rsomething for fun or if it's professional, you still need to follow certain grammatical rules. Your sentence structure needs some work, as some sentences are phrased in a very awkward manner. A major problem you have is that you do not break to a new paragraph when dialogue starts. Doing this makes the dialogue much harder to read and understand.

Please understand that I'm not trying to flame or be harsh. I'm a writer, and I only want to help you.