Jacob and Bella -Twilight-

[Charley Davis]

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

[veggiemuncher]

^.^ It's good

[xXJaKeS_ReNeSmEeXx]

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

dude give it a break... she's 16 sweatdrop sweatdrop

[Charley Davis]

XxJaKeS_WiiFeYxX

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

dude give it a break... she's 16 sweatdrop sweatdrop

So am I~
Now, could you kindly explain
how age has to do with this?

[Protector0115]

Nacht-Ritter

1 like no other

What Could Have Happened

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

You b*****d!

You made Poor Yotsuba-chan cry through you're suckishness, your blatant self insertion, your ignoring the rules of dialogue.

Please, for humanity, die in a fire.

Harsh much?

[xXJaKeS_ReNeSmEeXx]

Charley Davis

XxJaKeS_WiiFeYxX

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

dude give it a break... she's 16 sweatdrop sweatdrop

So am I~
Now, could you kindly explain
how age has to do with this?

your like an expert on grammar... not everyone is you know

[1 like no other]

This was not meant to be a professional style project. It was simply a fun thing to do. I realize that I started many sentences with the same word. I do that when I rp sometimes. I realize that some of my sentences lacked needed commas, but it was just spur of the moment paragraphs and to be honest I truly didn't care. The people who enjoyed it didn't care either I don't think. It was just what I thought would happen and I expressed it in a simple way. I'm sorry if some of you are literacy freaks and can't stand reading something without acknowledging it's flaws. Don't read anymore and if you must, keep the 'burn in a fire' comments to yourself. This was supposed to be fun. Normally I don't mind the critiquing because it helps me evolve as a writer, but I'd rather not have it in this forum.

[1 like no other]

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

Thank you. One thing I would like to say though is that I like direct characterization and since this is just a paragraph to paragraph little 'thing', for lack of a better term, I will continue to use it.

[1 like no other]

XxJaKeS_WiiFeYxX

Charley Davis

Now, now.
While I do agree that certain rules have been
violated, I disagree with Nacht's way of expressing it.

Such as,
I would like to see this transform
from a block of text to paragraphs.
For dialogue to be separated from one
character to another. Perhaps, being ambitious,
but to see the vocabulary being used vary.

1 like no other

I turn towards Jacob after taking off my seat belt. His gaze caught mine and my heart swelled slightly. My hand slid into his slowly and he pulled me closer with his other arm. Like always he seemed to be able to read my mind. He lifted our hands and brushed the back of his fingers across my cheek. At the hot touch my cheeks grew red slightly. "Jacob..." I whispered softly. "Bella..." he whispered back with a light smile. He leaned his head down and his lips pressed down against mine. My free hand lifted up to his cheek as my head tilted back and my lips pressed back against his. As our lips meshed together and my heart started to beat faster I could feel that possibly I could be with Jacob. He had healed me through this far.

Using your first post as an example:
what I highlighted happened
to be examples of words that you continually
use to begin a sentence. What I had slanted
were examples of sentence fragments. The
first should've either had a comma or completely
re-formatted the structure. While, the second sentence;
either cut out and to replace it with a comma then after 'faster'
end the sentence. Other words that were, also repeat offenders:
my, his, and he. There are also some other grammatical
discrepancies along with a string of my own rules for writing.
An example of my own rules; don't tell the audience/readers
how characters feel, show them with actions, word choice, and behavior.

I believe in criticism: however, there is constructive
and then there's flaming. My belief is that a critique
is meant to point out weak points so that it may result
in stronger and more efficient writing.

dude give it a break... she's 16 sweatdrop sweatdrop

I would have liked to keep my age to myself.

[1 like no other]

bump

[1 like no other]

bump

[1 like no other]

Bump

[1 like no other]

It's my thread. I can bump if I want XD XP

[1 like no other]

bump

[1 like no other]

This does a point. I'm trying to get to the next page.