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Before my small chapter- I honestly had a problem with fan fictions. I used to write my own stories, I kinda stopped after a while. I had a ton of problems with authors and ideas, but my friend started writing some, and I wanted to be supportive. He found out about my true feelings and stopped speaking to me. I felt terrible. So... I decided to write something as quick as I could. I should have waited but I am being driven by guilt. I will probably redo the chapter later, and make it much longer. This story is about new wizards in a time where harry potter is ancient history. There will be no relatives and such. I am very sorry for this chapter, I will probably do it better later. PM me if you have any suggestions and such-


Henry looked at his own reflection in the glass window. He sighed at the image of himself. He brushed his had through his brown shaggy hair, then straitened his button up shirt as he spotted a young girl´s image in the window. He turned around, his shirt still untucked from his old dirty blue jeans.

The girl smiled ¨Um, are these seats taken?¨ He looked up at the girl with his blue puppy dog eyes. ¨Eric is sitting over there¨ He spoke in his country accent. The girl turned around swiftly, causing her incredibly blonde hair to sway, he spoke hastily ¨But we still have plenty of room¨ She turned back around ¨Thanks!¨ She sat down beside him.

After several moments of silence from the two of them, she breaks the soundless air. ¨I am Aria.¨ ¨Nice to meet you¨ Henry replied staring at the space between his two shoes. The silence resumed control over the air when Henry spoke ¨Sorry. I am not much of a conversationalist.¨ She just giggled. There was a knock as Eric walked in. ¨Henry you devil! Who is your little friend?¨

Eric was dressed like a proper gentlemen, he had a tie and a nice sweater vest, tucked right in to his slacks. Henry rolled his eyes ¨If you must know, her name is Aria¨ Eric laughed out loud right at the train whistle blew. ¨So Aria, what house are you part of?¨ His voice always seemed like it was filled with confidence. ¨I will tell you, in exchange for your name¨ Henry looked at Aria trying to bargain with Eric. She was dressed casually, probably the most normal out of all of them. ¨This is gonna be a long ride to Hogwarts¨ he muttered to himself taking one last look at the train station, before they took off.
marshmallowcreampie's avatar

Sparkly Pirate

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It's pretty hard to critique such a small piece. So far, nothing has really happened so it's kind of hard to say anything.
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Darling

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Just out of curiosity, why are you bothering with making it a fanfiction to begin with? From the small piece you've provided, the only similarity that would designate it a fanfiction would be that they will be going to Hogwarts, but even then everyone will be different. You already said there's no Harry Potter, so unless you're making this sort of a Next Gen story then is there really any use of writing this as a fanfiction? Why not go the little extra step and get rid of the few ties you have going now and make it your own story? Also, from the way you're writing their speech characterizations, it sounds like they'd be American (mostly tipped off by the "southern" note), so if that's the case how are they getting there?

EDIT: I reread your beginning piece and realized I skimmed some. If you're writing out of guilt, that's no way to write at all. At least in my opinion. But if definitely explains why this is started the way it is--in the sense that no original characters are even mentioned or used. But yea, if you want to be supportive of your friends then be supportive--it doesn't require you to step out of a zone you're not ready to step out of.

Other than that, I noticed you had a lot of unnecessary details. When a new person speaks, you start another paragraph. Example:

"Hello," Amanda said.

"Hi there!" the other girl replied.

And although (I think) you've established the point of view, it jumps around a lot, making it hard to pinpoint who is informing all of this to us. Unless it's a case of telling, not showing, and providing us information that the point-of-view character should not know, in which case you would do good to watch out for that, especially during editing.
I've done a thorough critique below. I hope you don't take it as too nitpicky. These were my thoughts as I read through your small piece. Mostly, I feel you need to work on your metaphors and description. You also need to work on punctuation, especially punctuating your dialogue properly.

PlainDay

Henry looked at his own reflection in the glass window. He sighed at the image of himself. He brushed his had through his brown shaggy hair, then straitened (are you sure you mean straitened, or do you mean straightened?) his button-up shirt as he spotted a young girl´s image in the window. He turned around, his shirt still untucked from his old dirty blue jeans.

The girl smiled. ¨Um, are these seats taken?¨

He looked up at the girl with his blue puppy dog eyes. (Puppy dog eyes? Why is he feigning a sad face?) ¨Eric is sitting over there,¨ he spoke in his country accent. (What's a country accent? He's from England, I assume, since they're going to Hogwarts. Yorkshire? Cockney?) The girl turned around swiftly, causing her incredibly blonde hair (What does incredibly blonde hair mean? Very pale? Or very yellow? You can find a better metaphor.) to sway, and he spoke hastily. ¨But we still have plenty of room.¨

She turned back around. ¨Thanks!¨

She sat down beside him.

After several moments (minutes, maybe - "moment" doesn't actually give the reader any sense of how much time passed) of silence from the two of them, she broke the soundless air. ¨I am Aria.¨

¨Nice to meet you,¨ Henry replied, staring at the space between his two shoes. The silence resumed control over the air when Henry spoke ¨Sorry. I am not much of a conversationalist.¨ (I can see why - don't either of them use contractions?)

She just giggled. There was a knock as Eric walked in. (switch this to active voice) ¨Henry, you devil! Who is your little friend?¨

Eric was dressed like a proper gentleman. He had a tie and a nice sweater vest (he has a tie tucked into his slacks?), tucked right in to his slacks.

Henry rolled his eyes. ¨If you must know, her name is Aria.¨

Eric laughed out loud right at the train whistle blew. ¨So Aria, what house are you part of?¨ His voice always seemed like it was filled with confidence. ¨I will tell you, in exchange for your name.¨ (Who is saying this? Remember, when a new person speaks, it's a new paragraph.) Henry looked at Aria trying to bargain with Eric. She was dressed casually, probably the most normal out of all of them. (Okay, can you elaborate? This seems like a weird sentence thrown in here for no reason.)

¨This is gonna be a long ride to Hogwarts,¨ he muttered to himself, taking one last look at the train station, before they took off.

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