Earthbound: Twisted (Retelling)

Earthbound fanfiction?

It was good.	33.3%	[ 2 ]
It was alright.	16.7%	[ 1 ]
Meh, it was okay.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
No, I didn't enjoy it.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
Troll face.	50.0%	[ 3 ]
Total Votes:			[ 6 ]

[Eve_Nightingale]

Bump it for luck. ^^

[Eve_Nightingale]

School is done! I'm looking forward to the rest of spring. ^^
Bump. 3nodding

[artist aryn]

Shouldn't the chapters be posted in the thread? I don't think the sticky says anything about posting the first chapter and then follow up with only links, but generally it seems preferred to post the fanfic on the site instead of posting links.

You have the space for it after all, with all those reserved posts.

[Eve_Nightingale]

artist aryn

Shouldn't the chapters be posted in the thread? I don't think the sticky says anything about posting the first chapter and then follow up with only links, but generally it seems preferred to post the fanfic on the site instead of posting links.

You have the space for it after all, with all those reserved posts.

This is why I left spaces. ^^
I'll do that now, thanks for the suggestion.

[Eve_Nightingale]

There, all fixed up. 3nodding

[artist aryn]

You know what? You were right. I haven't played the game but the story really sucked me in. I'm actually sad that I wont have time to read it all at once, but at least I read the first chapter and it was a hook.

There's only one thing that bugged me.

Quote:

He looked down to the dog in question, chewing on the back of her leg, "She's useless."

The dog stopped, 'And I have feelings,' she thought.

Sudden one-line POV change to the dog? Or can Ness read the dog's thoughts? Actually, every time Misty is mention the POV swings to her. While I get that this is comic relief, it also makes the story jumpy.

Oh well, at least it is consistently jumpy and since Picky apparently could hear a bee I'm guessing it will be relevant to the plot.

[Eve_Nightingale]

artist aryn

You know what? You were right. I haven't played the game but the story really sucked me in. I'm actually sad that I wont have time to read it all at once, but at least I read the first chapter and it was a hook.

There's only one thing that bugged me.

Quote:

He looked down to the dog in question, chewing on the back of her leg, "She's useless."

The dog stopped, 'And I have feelings,' she thought.

Sudden one-line POV change to the dog? Or can Ness read the dog's thoughts? Actually, every time Misty is mention the POV swings to her. While I get that this is comic relief, it also makes the story jumpy.

Oh well, at least it is consistently jumpy and since Picky apparently could hear a bee I'm guessing it will be relevant to the plot.

It wasn't...but it is now.
You just gave me a really good idea! scream

I was actually going to point out that Pokey heard the bee, so that's why he stepped on him. But this...this could work better.

This is why I like feedback, it turns on lights. xp

And 'jumpy' you say...how so? gonk

[artist aryn]

Eve_Nightingale

And 'jumpy' you say...how so? gonk

Jumpy in the sense that otherwise the POV is solely on the Ness, and we only see his thoughts. A lot of amateur writers constantly change POV (occasionally mid-paragraph) because "OMG everyone has to know what every single character is thinking" leading to a messy narration. In most professional works however, we see the POV from one person at a time and if it changes, it changes with a new chapter. We only see the thoughts of the character we share POV with and only have actions and spoken words from other characters.

Since you didn't suddenlt decide to write "Pokey thought that was stupid" or "Picky felt sad" but instead kept to Ness, I figured you weren't switching to the dog for one-liners by mistake but that it was something planned. I have read several fanfics where the real mystery of the story is not in the plot, but to figure out the POV in any given paragraph. Compared to those, your POV shifts to Missy are very clean and seem to follow a discernable pattern. That is, Missy is mentioned in Ness' POV, POV shifts to Missy and Missy delivers a comedic one-liner before POV switches back.

And to tell you the truth... if it is/will be important to the plot then the way you are doing it is probably the best I can think of. It's hard to establish the character of an animal beyond their basic behaviour and writing a full scene from Missy's POV would be... well, at least at this stage rather uninteresting compared to Ness' POV.

[Eve_Nightingale]

artist aryn

Eve_Nightingale

And 'jumpy' you say...how so? gonk

Jumpy in the sense that otherwise the POV is solely on the Ness, and we only see his thoughts. A lot of amateur writers constantly change POV (occasionally mid-paragraph) because "OMG everyone has to know what every single character is thinking" leading to a messy narration. In most professional works however, we see the POV from one person at a time and if it changes, it changes with a new chapter. We only see the thoughts of the character we share POV with and only have actions and spoken words from other characters.

Since you didn't suddenlt decide to write "Pokey thought that was stupid" or "Picky felt sad" but instead kept to Ness, I figured you weren't switching to the dog for one-liners by mistake but that it was something planned. I have read several fanfics where the real mystery of the story is not in the plot, but to figure out the POV in any given paragraph. Compared to those, your POV shifts to Missy are very clean and seem to follow a discernable pattern. That is, Missy is mentioned in Ness' POV, POV shifts to Missy and Missy delivers a comedic one-liner before POV switches back.

And to tell you the truth... if it is/will be important to the plot then the way you are doing it is probably the best I can think of. It's hard to establish the character of an animal beyond their basic behaviour and writing a full scene from Missy's POV would be... well, at least at this stage rather uninteresting compared to Ness' POV.

...you had a lovely explaination...but you lost me a bit. Did I jump a lot? (aside from the dog) I didn't think I did too much. But I do understand what you mean.

I'll be sure to keep an eye on it from now on. Thank you. mrgreen

[artist aryn]

Eve_Nightingale

...you had a lovely explaination...but you lost me a bit. Did I jump a lot? (aside from the dog) I didn't think I did too much. But I do understand what you mean.

I'll be sure to keep an eye on it from now on. Thank you. mrgreen

Nope, Missy's lines where the only jumps I could find. 3nodding

[Eve_Nightingale]

artist aryn

Eve_Nightingale

...you had a lovely explaination...but you lost me a bit. Did I jump a lot? (aside from the dog) I didn't think I did too much. But I do understand what you mean.

I'll be sure to keep an eye on it from now on. Thank you. mrgreen

Nope, Missy's lines where the only jumps I could find. 3nodding

That's a relief. Still, I'm going to take the 'focus' part and pay a tad more attention to it. This may help my chapters feel a little more defined on the mesage they're caarrying, and who's carrying it.

I plan on having a 'filler' chapter with the dog later on. Her thoughts went underloved. emo