A different kind of star wars story(READ AND COMMENT PLEASE)

[elleayres]

This is a fan fic I am writing
tell me if I should do more
if you would like to read more
etc
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from the star wars saga george lucas owns all characters

Chapter One: the inevitable rage of ones master

I am Keyan Farmeni, Keya for short. I stand silently in the elevator and as it grates to a stop at the top I jump Sergeant Mikaya Antilles is next to me “Keya..It will be okay…He isn’t as bad as everyone makes him out to be” “That’s coming from his best friend” I mutter smartly. The door opens and I see him, Jerec Karlar.
‘Damn it…what have I gotten myself into here dad…” I think softly wishing with a pang that he was still here.
‘No not now…I can’t mourn now I have a mission’ I quickly dismiss my father returning my face to its smooth façade that is so mastered for me and my thoughts to Jerec Karlar. My new master, And one of the most feared men of all the Jedi, Even the council are afraid of him. Master Karlar is standing with his back to us wearing a deep brown cloak the hood over his head.
“Jerec” Mikaya speaks his name-I cringe in fear
“Mikaya” My master turns and for the first time I see his face his eyes catch mine then run down my body.
‘Crap-Wrong Dress-My mother said I had to impress but….oh dear….” I scramble trying to keep myself calm as his eyes rake back up the light blue silk that frames my body splitting up the leg to reveal black boots up to my knee then up my thigh about halfway. I hastily pull my dark blue cloak around to hide the split
“Who have we here?” Jerec says Walking forward to stand in front of me, looking to Mikaya and then turning back to me. He pulled a strand of my dark brown hair out of my face speculatively looking into my silver grey eyes.
“Your padawan Keyan Farmeni, Jerec.” Mikaya said smirk on his lips.
Master Karlar immediately dropped the strand of hair and his eyes filled with anger.
“My….padawan…………..is a……WOMAN!?!!”
“Women are welcome in the Jedi order Jerec”
“BUT SHES A WOMAN”
“The Jedi order welcomes all sexes,” Mikaya says an edge of anger in his voice “And you are dishonoring me and also my very close friend you are dishonoring yourself with this behavior in front of a lady. I chose Keya your padawan myself and presented her to the council for testing in person, and I have it on good authority-that is my own-that she has a very unique and qualified set of skills.”
“I’m sorry Mikaya its just you know how I feel about these things.” Jerec said and outraged turned and placed his hands down hard on a black table.
“I know you have opinions and jaded views that are for the most invalid. Now I must take leave I am due at a meeting of the council in an hour. You will begin training of your padawan as ordered by the Jedi council” Then with a sweep of his cape briefly revealing his light saber he turned to leave “Good luck with that blasted man Keya” He murmured as he disappeared back into the elevator leaving me and my few belongings I had standing in the room with a crazy idiot. Who just happened to be… My master

[elleayres]

will someone please read this and tell me if its any good??

[PadawanCyn]

Overall, it's a rather confusing little piece of writing. Try to add more description about the setting and a bit more info about what is going on, because as a reader it felt like I was dumped head-first into a very large pool with nothing to hold on to. Nothing really stood out...

In terms of grammar, you might want to check your punctuation: you're missing a lot of commas and periods, the places where you placed paragraphs are kind of weird, and some of the quotation marks need to be fixed.

I don't know what time period this story is supposed to take place in, or if you're even interested in following canon, but just for reference's sake - if you don't know it already - I'll tell you that the practice of the Jedi Order around the time of the movies was to take the Force-sensitive children to the temple as infants. So, unless your character is from some strange species with super-memory, she could never have had a recollection of her father. Also, a minor detail about your character: it seems a bit pointless and redundant to me to give her a nickname that's only one letter shorter than her actual name...

There's lots of room for improvement, so don't give up and good luck!

[elleayres]

PadawanCyn

Overall, it's a rather confusing little piece of writing. Try to add more description about the setting and a bit more info about what is going on, because as a reader it felt like I was dumped head-first into a very large pool with nothing to hold on to. Nothing really stood out...

In terms of grammar, you might want to check your punctuation: you're missing a lot of commas and periods, the places where you placed paragraphs are kind of weird, and some of the quotation marks need to be fixed.

I don't know what time period this story is supposed to take place in, or if you're even interested in following canon, but just for reference's sake - if you don't know it already - I'll tell you that the practice of the Jedi Order around the time of the movies was to take the Force-sensitive children to the temple as infants. So, unless your character is from some strange species with super-memory, she could never have had a recollection of her father. Also, a minor detail about your character: it seems a bit pointless and redundant to me to give her a nickname that's only one letter shorter than her actual name...

There's lots of room for improvement, so don't give up and good luck!

Actually it was also known during the time of the clone wars and after the new jedi order was established for jedi knights and master jedi to train adult padawans because of the lack of children sensative to the force. Keyan is seventeen and entering such an aprenticeship-likewise jerec is only two years older then her. This takes place just before the outbreak of the clone wars and anakins turning. She remembers her father because he was too sensative to the force but no one ever knew she was he was killed by a sith leader and the reason she is enlisting is to act out revenge (thats the reason she enlists at first) but she sees that the jedi are not about that that they are about caring and that they only use violence to promote peace and never for revenge (except in anakins case really) she ends up being I suppose indoctrinated is the word but she still ends up breaking the code because she falls in love with her master (oops xd ) and they are trying to keep it secret, I know this at the end of the story one of them will either be dead or on the dark side. Yes I do agree it has room for improvement and I thank you for your feedback. It has helped alot.