19 years later

[xo Cupids Victim ox]

biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Nice! Good Job Cam Cam!

[BONNIE_IZ_GREAT]

This is really good

[Dansbabygrl]

Once James got to Gryffindor Tower with Renee, he told the Fat Lady the password and went into the Common Room to start the letter. James would pause every once and a while to think of what to say to his family, but then go back to knowing.

Dear Lily, Mum, and Dad,

I'm so Happy about Lils! I'm glad she's back home and better, well, better than before. Not happy that she's still weak but glad that she's home. Write back with news on her all the time. Love you always,

James

When James finished the letter, sealed it in an envelope, and sent it off with Hedwig Jr. "Renee, do you think Lily will get totally better?" James asked his girlfriend after watching Hedwig fly out of eyesight.

Renee nodded, smiling at James. "Of course, sweetie. She'll get better soon, I promise. Let's get back downstairs and eat. Alright?" Renee said, reaching out and taking James' hand and taking him back out through the portrait hole.

James agreed finally to go back to the Great Hall. Rose, James and Albus' cousin, was in the Entrance Hall with Scorpio, her boyfriend. James still didn't like how they were going out. He didn't trust the Malfoy boy still.

James just needed to get to know Scorpio more before judging him. He was being too over protective about his cousin. James shook his head and walked past his cousin and Scorpio into the Great Hall to finish eating.

[little tara-chan]

You give out too many details, leave some things for the readers to find out on their own if you want this to be a better story.
Right now it just sounds like crappy fanfiction stare

[Dansbabygrl]

You know what, b***h, People are loving this story. So, keeping your damn opinions to yourself. Got it? Or i will Report you. Okay? I am sick and tired of people dissing my story. I really truly am. So, stop it and leave me and my story alone. Okay, gracias, you follando culo agujero.

[BONNIE_IZ_GREAT]

I personally this story

[Dansbabygrl]

BONNIE_IZ_GREAT

I personally this story

you what this story?

[Dansbabygrl]

Scorpio and Rose walked around the Castle, holding hands until it was time to seperate for bed. They said goodnight, kissed, hugged, and left for opposite directions to their own common rooms. Scorpio to the Slytherin, and Rose to the Gryffindor.

The next morning, Rose and Scorpio met at the Entrance Hall for a walk around the grounds before breakfast. They sat near the lake against a tree, cuddling. Rose then heard some noise.

"Who is there? Come out and show yourself!" Rose yelled out into the open. Scorpio looked at his girlfriend curiously but then also heard the noise.

All of a sudden, Rose's cousin, James, came out from behind the tree and looked at Rose. "Hello, Rosie. I'm sorry I followed. I just do not trust, Scorpio with you. I'm sorry to say that about you, Malfoy, but it is true. I just don't. I just, don't want anything bad to happen to my cousin. Especially with what is happening to my little sister, Lily. So, please, do not do anything to her," James said, sitting next to his cousin.

Scorpio smiled. "I will protect her from evil and all. I will not do any harm to her. I will not let any harm come to her either. I love her too much like you love your family and your girlfriend. Please trust me, James. I am not like how your father and my father were at school," Scorpio said to James, putting out his hand to shake James'.

James hesitated for a moment then took Scorpio's hand and shook it. "Okay, I will trust you with my cousin. But if I find out something has happened to her, I will do something to you. It will be a bad something too, okay?" James replied.

Scorpio nodded in agreement to James' statement.

[xo Cupids Victim ox]

[Dansbabygrl]

Rose and Scorpio then took a walk alone after the talk with Rose's cousin, James, and talked about what the future would be like with them. Scorpio wanted to be with Rose for the rest of his life already. Rose shrugged and decided the same thing.

"Baby, what do you think will happen to my cousin if she doesn't get better?" Rose asked her boyfriend when she stopped all of a sudden, looking out at the lake, worrying about Lily. Scorpio took Rose's face in his hands and kissed her lips. "She'll be alright. She'll get better, I promise, sweetie. Okay?" Scorpio promised, hugging and holding Rose tight.

Rose nodded, staying close to Scorpio. They then started back towards the castle. It was close to the end of the school year. They didn't really like being apart from eachother at all. Rose didn't have anybody to talk to about her problems besides her boyfriend.

"Rose! I've been looking all over for you! I got news on Lily! She's really good now. Still weak but good and better!" Albus said, running to his cousin. Rose smiled, looked at Scorpio, tears of happiness in her eyes.

"That is wonderful to hear! When did you find out, Al?" Rose asked, meeting her cousin half way to the castle and the lake. Albus was out of breath before answering. He then finally caught his breath and talked about the letter arriving this morning at breakfast just now and that James and he would have to miss finals to go see Lily. He apologized for not staying but it was his sister that was getting better from a very big sickness and she needed her brothers home quick.

Albus then went to say goodbye to Regi, kiss her goodbye, tell her he would write everyday and that he'd miss her everyday during the summer. He explained why he was leaving unexpectedly. Regi understood and kissed Albus goodbye and said she would write too and that she would miss him as well.

"Come on, Al! Mum's here!"James yelled from the Entrance Hall when he spotted his little brother walking hand in hand with his girlfriend. "I'm coming!"Albus replied. The girlfriends of both James and Albus kissed them goodbye, said they would miss them and watched them leave before going into the Great Hall.

[Alexczander]

just wow.
really,
i'm just in shock.
O.O

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM:

i mean, whoever said in earlier posts that this was like J.K Rowling's books are surely mistaken or blind. it's a good way to start off but the fanfiction is super choppy and short-termed. you give off the details early, leaving a little less to the imagination and i feel like you're just throwing the story out face-to-face. there's no imagery that makes me feel like i'm scrolling through a land of fantastic constructions that makes me wish i was the character myself. and like someone else said before me, you need to separate and make a new sentence or paragraph when another person is talking and put some more juicy details into what they're doing, wearing, and seeing. it'll make this fanfiction more bearable to read. seriously.

to be put it out there: this is in need of a literary workshop.

[Dansbabygrl]

You know what, stfu. I know what I'm doing. I've been writing stories for several years now, do not tell me what to do and don't do. I've had my stories edited by my English teachers several times before I graduated. So, stop critizing me and shut the ******** up. I'm sick and tired of this s**t. I just want to post my story and have people enjoy reading it no matter what. I do not want anymore critizizers on this thread.

[xo Cupids Victim ox]

Don't be discouraged Cam, I still love you heart

[SolenmSerpent]

Dansbabygrl

You know what, stfu. I know what I'm doing. I've been writing stories for several years now, do not tell me what to do and don't do. I've had my stories edited by my English teachers several times before I graduated. So, stop critizing me and shut the ******** up. I'm sick and tired of this s**t. I just want to post my story and have people enjoy reading it no matter what. I do not want anymore critizizers on this thread.

Whenever you post something is this sub forum, expect to receive criticism; it's the way of the internet, [Trust me, I've learned] If someone doesn't like your story, they have every right to express themselves. The only way you're going to be prosperous as a writer is to be able to accept criticism, and if it does not set well with you---decline it properly. Using profanity doesn't make your response valid, it only serves to lessen your argument and make it appear less intelligent.

I receive criticism on my writing all the time and I've been working at it for years! Even the best authors get it----It's one of the best ways to improve your writing and identify any mistakes. No story is ever going to get 100% positive reviews, but with work and understanding---I'm pretty sure you can improve and becoming a fantastic writer.

[xo Cupids Victim ox]

Very nicely put Serpent. * applauds*