19 years later

[Hasslich Kekse]

it would be helpful if you would tell us what the fanfic is about so we don't waste our time understanding it if we don't know the characters.
also, writing in a font that big is ANNOYING. tone it down, sister. nothing is that important.

[SolenmSerpent]

L o V e B u G a L o O

Very nicely put Serpent. * applauds*

Thank you,

I try not to take sides sweatdrop ---I hope I didn't come across as too critical.

[Overreach]

SolenmSerpent

L o V e B u G a L o O

Very nicely put Serpent. * applauds*

Thank you,

I try not to take sides sweatdrop ---I hope I didn't come across as too critical.

It's well written and the message is clear. :] I hope she learns something from that because from what I've read thus far she is using the people that are supporting her as her meat shields from the people who have been trying to give her constructive criticism.

[SolenmSerpent]

After reading a few parts, I think I'll offer a few words of criticism---not intended to be harsh.

One of my biggest issues is the font size---making the font larger will only make people's first impression about the story, very, very negative. [Even I have the tendency to be a little judgmental.] With normal sized font, people will most likely take the story seriously and refrain from rolling their eyes at the bold letters. When you think about it---most books don't sport large, stylized fonts. You'll attract more than preteens when you're smart about the way you present your story.

Moreover, I felt that at times, you could be a little more descriptive. Simple words at times, can be perfect depending on the story or the character. But for something involving Harry Potter that has such diversity and relies so much on magic; a person reading should feel that an author at least tried to add more depth and illustrate the contrasts in the Harry Potter world and our world.

Last, inner dialogue should be used more often. There are many characters in Harry Potter, with different personalities and with varying outlooks on life. Inner dialogue will help develop the characters and allow your reader to understand how a character feels about a certain situation or how it affects them.

Hope I have offered some helpful words--- and if you need help with the story, you can contact me.

[SolenmSerpent]

Overreach

SolenmSerpent

L o V e B u G a L o O

Very nicely put Serpent. * applauds*

Thank you,

I try not to take sides sweatdrop ---I hope I didn't come across as too critical.

It's well written and the message is clear. :] I hope she learns something from that because from what I've read thus far she is using the people that are supporting her as her meat shields from the people who have been trying to give her constructive criticism.

Thank you. ^^

[xo Cupids Victim ox]

I totally agree with you Serpent and Cam you know I love you but you should listen to this one. But I also agree that there were some that offered to negative of a response when offering "Constructive Criticism." people respond better to calm and rational then being told in so many words that they are an idiot.
Honestly, I don't think there's enough description and the short hand typing is and I'm sorry Cam but a little annoying =X It's a good story line and I know you're a better writer not saying this isn't good but let yourself improve. You just seem like you're holding back for some reason =/


I support ya and I've told ya before. I love you lots though I just want you to do better at the things you love, because why be mediocre when you can be great?!
heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart heart

[Dansbabygrl]

Yeah, I know, San San.

[clovereffect]

Well, I was entertained enough to read the whole thread! I am impressed how you're able to keep the various story lines going.

One thing I thought made the Harry Potter books stand out was the detailed description of everyday life in a magical society. Your relationships are interesting, but I do miss the "filler" if you know what I mean.

[AaronEthanZacheryDeMonsVI]

I want to post something but I feel that I would be far too mean and your poor little brain will overload from the meanness and you will cry. So I will refrain from saying such things and will instead tell you that what I read (the beginning paragraph) was not good. Sorry. Maybe you should consult a grammar book or something before posting something. Oh, and you shouldn't use the word "said" so often. Try substituting it for something else. It will sound better. Yeah. That's it. I will stop now.

[writerprincess29]

i haven't read all of it, but from what I've read, this story needs a lot of help. First of all, people do not speak that way in real life normally and when they do, they sound kinda stupid. Also, as cell phones haven't become a part of wizard and witch cultural, I'm assuming, how would they even know what those phrases mean?
Also, I would drag out the story more if I were you. Things don't tend to happen that fast in real life, especially not little boys admitting they like little girls, or any of the other romantic relationships. Add some more transitions if you want your story to be better.
Lastly, it's not realistic in any sense of the word. I don't believe that this could happen.

I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just giving you some constructive eclecticism.

[Dansbabygrl]

AaronEthanZacheryDeMonsVI

I want to post something but I feel that I would be far too mean and your poor little brain will overload from the meanness and you will cry. So I will refrain from saying such things and will instead tell you that what I read (the beginning paragraph) was not good. Sorry. Maybe you should consult a grammar book or something before posting something. Oh, and you shouldn't use the word "said" so often. Try substituting it for something else. It will sound better. Yeah. That's it. I will stop now.

I'm trying my damn best with this freaking story, dipshit. I went to school all through highschool, thank you very much. I got good grades in English and Grammar class thank you! so leave me the ******** alone

[CaughtThemAll]

Dansbabygrl

AaronEthanZacheryDeMonsVI

I want to post something but I feel that I would be far too mean and your poor little brain will overload from the meanness and you will cry. So I will refrain from saying such things and will instead tell you that what I read (the beginning paragraph) was not good. Sorry. Maybe you should consult a grammar book or something before posting something. Oh, and you shouldn't use the word "said" so often. Try substituting it for something else. It will sound better. Yeah. That's it. I will stop now.

I'm trying my damn best with this freaking story, dipshit. I went to school all through highschool, thank you very much. I got good grades in English and Grammar class thank you! so leave me the ******** alone

It's called constructive criticism and after struggling to read the first two "chapters" I have to agree. =P

You do use "said" a lot. Spice it up, use something different. Like...
"Blah dee blah blah," quipped so-and-so.
"Boom boom pow," someone stated.

And the big font is quite annoying. I don't see how it's necessary.

[Dansbabygrl]

Once back home, James and Albus went straight to their sister. Lily was in her room, laying in bed. She smiled big when she saw her brothers run in. "Al! James! So glad to see you two! I missed you guys so much!" Lily exclaimed, her eyes big with excitement.

Albus was very excited to see his sister. He got in front of James and ran to Lily first. "Lily! How're you feeling?! I'm so glad to see you too! I missed you so much too!" Albus replied, very bouncy.

"Albus, stop! You're going to hurt her! Stop bouncing around!" James scolded his little brother. Albus stuck his tongue out at James. Ginny walked in then and narrowed her eyes at Albus. "Albus Severus, I will not allow that again, you understand?" she warned.

Albus nodded to his mother, "Yes, mum, I understand. I'm sorry." Ginny nodded, accepting the apology. She went over to Lily and felt her head. She shook her head after taking her hand away. "What is it mum?" James questioned, very curious.

Ginny just shook her head and left to get Harry. When Ginny came back, Harry was with her. "You sure she felt warm to you, honey?" Harry asked, continuing the conversation they had had while walking back to the room. Ginny nodded, "Yes, I'm positive, dear. I really am. Feel her yourself."

So, Harry did and Lily did feel warm to him. He pondered at what they should do. "What do you think we should do, Harry?" Ginny whispered. Harry shook his head, not knowing. Then, finally, he responded, "We should call a healer."