Good question... I feel like my natural social instincts are damaged, so what was once easy and intuitive is now foreign and unnatural. I feel like in trying to compensate my actions are intentionally eccentric and flamboyant at times.
Thus I'm trying to become more mellow and natural. If I haven't got something I can say right, I'll stay quiet and contemplate.
This would've been so nice in the SocPsych forum. It's so dead over there. crying
I wear a most hideous mask that scares off most people. In this way, I hoped to attract only those who were most determined to be my friend--only the most loyal, the most tolerant, the best of humanity...
At some point in our lives, we wear masks. It’s very true, and if you doubt if you have every put a mask on, but believe me you have.
Masks aren’t exactly a bad thing; they can even be used to protect yourself, and even others. Which masks do I mean? The masks you can use at anytime and anyplace. Masks to even hide your identity, hide emotion, and hide truth. Unfortunately, I’ve grown into a master at this, and I never even meant to.
One would say, a mask could have been used to protect you from harming others. That’s probably where my mask has been transformed into, and I can’t take it off. I’ve been pretty skilled at vague answers, and small talk, allowing me to become a very interesting person when I’m obviously uncomfortable with the subject, mainly about myself.
I feel this mask which I can’t see to pull from myself has been pieced together over the years and I think the first piece started in 2009. ‘The incident’ happened and the world was there standing over me, me naked, weak, and vulnerable. This ‘incident’ was my almost death.
Researching what was wrong with me over the years, I had the notion of P.T.S.D. but I feel it wasn’t fitting right. I did come across an article last year about masks. And it’s all there, and I’ve done in some way or form.
1. The SEDUCTRESS: She “doesn’t feel good enough, loved enough, and doesn’t belong unless she is the object of someone’s attention.” She “throws out an energetic hook by being kind, loving, interested, and sexual…”
2. CHARMER: This person is a charismatic lover … master of manipulation … to win favor with the other.
3. PEOPLE PLEASER: These people survive by making others happy … but they overdo … to gain love.”
4. BULLY: Such people are “outwardly loud and pushy” and “use control, intimidation, and threats to get what they want.” They “spot the weak, prey on those who lack the courage to retaliate.” They “compensate for their deep feelings of inadequacy by conquering others. Deep down they are scared to death.”
5. QUIET SNAKE: Their “quiet demeanor is disarming and even makes you feel sorry for them because they are so repressed.” Underneath they “are conniving, manipulating, cunning and sneaky to win your trust.”
Other masks included are: too cool, martyr, nice guy, tough guy, abuser, eternal optimist, intellect, savior, depressive, depressive, jokester, entitled supporter, loner, victim, over-achiever.
I think the powers of books have been misused, and I’ve allowed them to be my vessel for an escape. Using my imagination to be my bestest friend and allowing my true friends pushed aside.
At some point, I need to remove my mask, allow the world to shine on my face, but even now, that scares me.
I think five years is too long to be alone. And all I’ve been wanting is to be forgotten, and I know that’s not how people should live.
This post isn't really any question, more of a self thinking module. I'm struggling to harvest myself in rebirth, and using my own false expressions as a mask, has almost become a security blanket.