The Fine Art of the Gay-dar

So, you're in a gay bar and someone of the same sex sits next to you...

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This poll closed on January 7, 2005.
No longer accepting new votes.

[Christinue]

Seriously....

Congratulations! You've come out of the closet and realized that you are attracted to the same sex. Hurray. Whether you are Bisexual or homosexual, you now get to go through the whole ackward relearning of how to "know if someone likes you" or if this really is a date and so forth.

No, really, I'm discovering this myself. I feel as ackward, stupid, and out of sorts as I did in middle school when I found out Bobby who kept saving me a seat in the lunch room or sharing his candy bar really liked me.. and not in the best friends way.

Also, if we're both women, who pays? Who opens the doors? Who spoons on the outside? (My roommate, he really needed to know these answers, amusingly enough) Or do we just throw the whole gracious dating scheme (which would be compeletly underheard of here in the deep south)?

Not only do I have the ackwardness of learning how to date a girl, but also wondering if she "swings that way." Gay Bars only go so far and you definitely can't always tell just from looks or attitude...

So the discussion: What is the proper way to ask someone if they are Gay? How or what do you do to 'know' that person swings that way without being rude? What are somethings that are different from a same sex couple dating than a heterosexual couple dating? What are similarities? Are there just somethings that a same sex couple shouldn't do in public? In certain areas at this day and age? Not how you feel, but what you think would be more appropriate or acceptable?

This is not a discussion of whether it is right or wrong, but the intricacies of dating outside the "stereotypical" dating.

[Mental Emphysema]

Christinue

Seriously....

Congratulations! You've come out of the closet and realized that you are attracted to the same sex. Hurray. Whether you are Bisexual or homosexual, you now get to go through the whole ackward relearning of how to "know if someone likes you" or if this really is a date and so forth.

No, really, I'm discovering this myself. I feel as ackward, stupid, and out of sorts as I did in middle school when I found out Bobby who kept saving me a seat in the lunch room or sharing his candy bar really liked me.. and not in the best friends way.

Also, if we're both women, who pays? Who opens the doors? Who spoons on the outside? (My roommate, he really needed to know these answers, amusingly enough) Or do we just throw the whole gracious dating scheme (which would be compeletly underheard of here in the deep south)?

Not only do I have the ackwardness of learning how to date a girl, but also wondering if she "swings that way." Gay Bars only go so far and you definitely can't always tell just from looks or attitude...

So the discussion: What is the proper way to ask someone if they are Gay? How or what do you do to 'know' that person swings that way without being rude? What are somethings that are different from a same sex couple dating than a heterosexual couple dating? What are similarities? Are there just somethings that a same sex couple shouldn't do in public? In certain areas at this day and age? Not how you feel, but what you think would be more appropriate or acceptable?

This is not a discussion of whether it is right or wrong, but the intricacies of dating outside the "stereotypical" dating.

Oh my. I like this topic a lot. This is information I really should have some knowledge of.

[Spicey Rose]

Quote:

Also, if we're both women, who pays? Who opens the doors? Who spoons on the outside? (My roommate, he really needed to know these answers, amusingly enough) Or do we just throw the whole gracious dating scheme (which would be compeletly underheard of here in the deep south)?

I'm sure this isn't how others do it this way but the gay friends I know usually do both, it depends on which partners they have.

I think that those questions should be asked by everyone no matter what, though-

Paying- Go Dutch. Pay for your part of the meal and split whatever you shared.

Opening Doors- If someone gave you this courtesy, do the same for them- it doesn't matter whether or not you're straight, gay, or both, whoever gets to the door first should open the door for the one behind them.

Spoons on the outside- Whichever makes both feel comfortable. You can even do a tradeoff. (Again, no matters as to what your sexual preference is)

[DravenAngel]

These are some really interesting questions, but it also makes me ask a question? How do you know if someone is straight? I mean, most people just assume and plummet head first into the flirting only to find out later or not at all. How would you ask someone which way they swing? Dating is akward no matter the age or your sexual preference, its part of the reason I keep away from it, it always seems like too much hassle xp As for the spooning, I'd say whichever way fits better.

[Spicey Rose]

DravenAngel

These are some really interesting questions, but it also makes me ask a question? How do you know if someone is straight? I mean, most people just assume and plummet head first into the flirting only to find out later or not at all. How would you ask someone which way they swing? Dating is akward no matter the age or your sexual preference, its part of the reason I keep away from it, it always seems like too much hassle xp As for the spooning, I'd say whichever way fits better.

I suppose if it was misleading and they got tired of you flirting with them, they would tell you. Would be embarassing but there's really no way to tell if someone is gay unless you were pre-informed. The only way you could tell is if we had priorly made stereotypes about how a homosexual or a straight person acts.

If you do that, you can end up embarassing yourself and the person you're hitting on- I have plenty of effeminate guys and masculine girls (friends) who are straight.

[DravenAngel]

Spicey Rose

I suppose if it was misleading and they got tired of you flirting with them, they would tell you. Would be embarassing but there's really no way to tell if someone is gay unless you were pre-informed. The only way you could tell is if we had priorly made stereotypes about how a homosexual or a straight person acts.

If you do that, you can end up embarassing yourself and the person you're hitting on- I have plenty of effeminate guys and masculine girls (friends) who are straight.

I'm pretty tomboyish, when I was in HS I had really short boyish hair b/c I didn't want to deal with putting up and pinning it in place during marching season. A lot of people mistook me for a boy, and one little freshman girl came up to ask me out one morning. I felt bad for her, but at the same time I wondered how someone could mistake me for a boy, I'm 5'2" and very slight of frame. Too many mangas I guess. I also have effeminate guy friends and masculine girlfriends.

[AznAlex]

When a boy acts very feminen, you can be 80% sure hes gay. They all act like they are missing something down there. For a girl, well girls are usually more open about their sexuality if they are homo, so its not that hard to tell.

[Lillypuff]

AznAlex

When a boy acts very feminen, you can be 80% sure hes gay. They all act like they are missing something down there. For a girl, well girls are usually more open about their sexuality if they are homo, so its not that hard to tell.

<center>That's hardly true.

There are metrosexuals, ya know.

And girls aren't seriously more open about their sexuality. =/ Girls are simply more COMOFORTABLE about their sexuality. It doesn't mean they'll run around screaming, "I'MALESBIAN/BISEXUAL/PANSEXUAL/WHATEVER!"</center>

[Adopis]

Well first off, this is me speaking based on my own experiences, and not what I'm told or learn through work.

Usually, I find, if someone is interested in you, or you are interested in someone you should just approach him/her and talk. Friendly stuff.

When in a gay bar, or a queer-community event, I find a tricky way to find out someone's sexuality is to ask them if the person they are with (whether the same gender or not) is their partner. Usually, the answer is spilled out that way, but not always. In my opinion, if that doesn't spill it, then they're still apprehensive.

Often as well, the person will bring up their sexuality on their own volition, which usually indicates either 'yes I'm ____' or 'sorry I'm _____' .

As to trying to figure out WHO is gay, especially you don't live in any area that has a significant queer population (visibly I mean), or any bars, well, that's a good question.

I'd imagine a lot of it is guesswork, with some word of mouth I suppose. I've never been in a position where I've had to try and find a partner in a small town situation, so I really can't say how that would work. I honestly have no idea what I would do.

Maybe just make myself visibly known and hope someone approaches me? And keep on the lookout for other visible people?

Come to think of it, I wonder if that's a reason some people are "flamers".

[Christinue]

AznAlex

When a boy acts very feminen, you can be 80% sure hes gay. They all act like they are missing something down there. For a girl, well girls are usually more open about their sexuality if they are homo, so its not that hard to tell.

Really.. because I've had a TON of shockers, especially in my city where homosexuality hasn't become highly, opening embraced by the public (see also: Close minded in general).

a) Most of my male homosexual friends I did not peg until later or didn't discover it until after we had met (really old friends there)

b) You know, my female friends are a wonderful mesh of personalities and sometimes even forget which are straight, bi, or homosexual.

c) I have yet to meet someone who picks me on on the gay-dar at all!! When I'm at work or just running errands, I'm about as straight as an arrow as they say, from appearances. Even when I am out at bars or what not, I'm not "obvious" nor are most other girls I know.

To the rest, thanks for the advice!! ^_^ I'm still getting the hang of things, of course, and actually dating or having a relationship with someone of the same sex probably answers alot of those questions... each person is an individual, of course!

[Demonic_Divinity]

AznAlex

When a boy acts very feminen, you can be 80% sure hes gay. They all act like they are missing something down there. For a girl, well girls are usually more open about their sexuality if they are homo, so its not that hard to tell.

That is not true, I have many guy friends who act very feminen and I know for a fact that they are not gay, I even have guy friends who get mistaken for girls all the time but who are still straight. I know many gay guys and some of them act very girly and others act like a typical guy, so it is not that easy to tell if a guy is straight or not. I think the easiest way to find out is just to ask them, it shouldn't be something to get offended over. If they get offended that's their problem.

[Protagonist]

All of these are things that should be resolved on an individual basis. Any fool who thinks there is a secret code that applies to all relationships is a fool indeed.

[Christinue]

Protagonist

All of these are things that should be resolved on an individual basis. Any fool who thinks there is a secret code that applies to all relationships is a fool indeed.

true dat...

but I never said mamma didn't raise no fool! ^_^ Foolish that I am, my inquiring mind wanted some feed back and discussion. Lovies! heart

[TGR_TheWalleh]

The whole "realtionship" thing (whether it be straight or gay/lesbiean) is just way to damn complicated for my likings...

But what I have learned is, if someone REALLY likes you, they tend to spend a lot of time around you, tell you things that they normally wouldn't say, put you in awkward situations, and get a little jealous if you spend your time with someone else.

[Anat0lia]

Proper way to ask: "Are you gay?"
Awesome way to ask (someone who is the same sex as you): "Are you gay?"