Divorce

[Insanity in a Bottle]

I find I'm curious, and I'm looking for a more thorough answer than "drop tha b***h," or "castrate him."
If you had friends who were married, and they split because one was unfaithful, what are the general thoughts? Does it matter what the marriage was like prior to the adultery? At what point is adultery warranted, if ever?
Have you ever cheated? If so, do you feel you had good reason? Do you regret it? Would you change how any of it happened?

[AmityMei]

Nothing will change the memories that both parties have create throughout their relationship, nor will it change the meaning of their relationship. The betrayal of trust hurts a lot and it isn't something everyone can recover from easily, perhaps that's the reason why for many involved the memories that they had beforehand are irrelevant or blurred.

However, I feel that under no circumstances would adultery will ever be warranted purely because relationships form onto of the foundation of trust and understanding. If you feel that you cannot provide anything more into the relationship and that the person you're with isn't someone you want to be for the rest of your life, it is better to end the relationship before you go pursuing a new one.

Of course, I say this on the viewpoint of someone who has been cheated on before.

[Insanity in a Bottle]

The issue is that things are not always so black and white, even though it seems very logical to assume that they would be. Then again, perhaps they are. Perhaps the emotion involved makes it so black and white turns to gray for the person involved only.
Then again, I'm speaking as the person who cheated. It didn't feel black and white. There were a number of things that happened that prevented me from just leaving, like feeling a certain responsibility of making sure he was financially stable before I left so it was less abandoning and more moving on. I should have waited before starting the new relationship. I understand this. I regret how everything went. But it didn't feel clear, it didn't feel black and white at the time. I felt helpless and stuck.

[AmityMei]

Insanity in a Bottle

The issue is that things are not always so black and white, even though it seems very logical to assume that they would be. Then again, perhaps they are. Perhaps the emotion involved makes it so black and white turns to gray for the person involved only.
Then again, I'm speaking as the person who cheated. It didn't feel black and white. There were a number of things that happened that prevented me from just leaving, like feeling a certain responsibility of making sure he was financially stable before I left so it was less abandoning and more moving on. I should have waited before starting the new relationship. I understand this. I regret how everything went. But it didn't feel clear, it didn't feel black and white at the time. I felt helpless and stuck.

It's very easy for anyone to say that nothing in this world is black and white, a large majority have little to no patience for those who have committed adultery. Also, there's so many variables and factors which contribute adulterers to to what they did. I'm neither condoning or condemning you for you actions but merely trying to give a well rounded analysis to the best of my abilities. Your question is a very subjective question, so it is best to go at it in a subjective manner.

I suppose the best way for me to sum it up is that while the foundation of the marriage is broken down by the betrayal of trust, it doesn't completely obliterate the meaning both parties have gathered and fostered during the time they were together. Pain, hurt, regret; these are the consequences that each side live by until they're able to heal.

As for committing adultery, the lines become increasingly blurred over time that by the time you realise it, it may or may not have been too late. The advice is that communication between both parties is of utmost importance and that if either one feels they can no longer contribute to the relationship the best course of action is to end it. However, it is really hard to follow advice and make decisions when your judgement becomes cloudy. That is why there is not real solution to deal with the aftermath of picking up the pieces that have been shattered.

[TarablyConfused]

Married twenty years myself. Never cheated or considered it. I have several friends who've left marriages due to adultery. Whether a couple stays together depends on the couple. If they can work it out, great for them, and if they can't it's totally understandable. As for whether or not cheating is ever warranted, no, get your house in order and move on first. If someone isn't happy in a marriage get the hell out, but don't drag other people into your life when you're already dealing with crap at home.

[shadowswhiskers13 -]

no clue

[Chahklet]

They certainly shouldn't make decisions based on people's opinions.

[Arcoon Effox]

Insanity in a Bottle

If you had friends who were married, and they split because one was unfaithful, what are the general thoughts?[/quotes]Generally, "That idiot", or something like that.

Insanity in a Bottle

Does it matter what the marriage was like prior to the adultery?

Not really. If things was at the point where either party was going behind the other's back, though, it could be assumed that it probably wasn't as good as how they presented their relationship to others.

Insanity in a Bottle

At what point is adultery warranted, if ever?

Never. Marriage is a contract. If you don't hold up your end, then you're in breach of contract, meaning you're burnt.

Insanity in a Bottle

Have you ever cheated?

No.

Insanity in a Bottle

If so, do you feel you had good reason?

There's not really such a thing as a "good reason". If you grow apart from your significant other, and/or develop feelings for someone else, you leave your former SO rather than cheat.

[Viva La Spirit]

Insanity in a Bottle

I find I'm curious, and I'm looking for a more thorough answer than "drop tha b***h," or "castrate him."
If you had friends who were married, and they split because one was unfaithful, what are the general thoughts? Does it matter what the marriage was like prior to the adultery? At what point is adultery warranted, if ever?
Have you ever cheated? If so, do you feel you had good reason? Do you regret it? Would you change how any of it happened?

Popped into E. D. on accident, saw this and we'll, my thoughts on the matter are:

My thoughts on a friend or even a family members' relationship tanking due to cheating, and not just physical, emotional, and technological as well, happen to be similar to what they are when I myself am cheated on, with the added, I hope the one being cheated on is alright. But, the thought process goes, "How could they do that?!", "Why would they hurt someone they loved like that!?" "why couldn't you just be honest?!" "You're a coward." "What the hell went wrong? ", " How will he/she ever trust another lover? " and so forth..

The marriage, if good and a person cheated, would be null and void because then it just would not make sense at all. The adultery, in a good relationship, would probably be counted as" worse" in a way, because you're betraying somebody that cares so deeply for you, that they would do anything to keep the marriage healthy. This person cares for you, loves you, and is there for you whenever you need, and you cheat? That's wrong, no matter what the quality of the relationship is, but when the relationship is great and healthy, then there's something seriously wrong with the person committing adultery. Like, they have commitment issues or something, because to ruin a perfectly good relationship for someone you probably won't end up marrying, is just.. Sad.

Now, if it is a poor relationship, then it could only be mildly in the category of "I see why they did it, but seriously wtf". Even in a bad relationship cheating is not justified. Somewhat in a way understandable because there's something pushing you to it, but the fact that you would do it at all, is not okay. Why? Because you're in a relationship and if it's bad, just end it and then start a new with someone else. In reality you have no good reason to cheat because you can easily say, "hey this isn't working out, I'm sorry. We've grown apart" or something. You don't have to cheat

I've never cheated, and never will. I have very VERY strong loyalties and values that basically, make me have what seem like little panic attacks at even the thought of cheating on my Boyfriend in jest. Seriously, it's weird, I have issues. But, it's also because my Boyfriend was cheated on by his ex wife, and he still carries scars from it. And to hurt him like that again, would just be horrendous. I feel there would never ever be a good reason to cheat. And if something were to ever happen and I was to fall out of love with my boyfriend, I'd be honest with him, because that's what a relationship is about, honesty, faith love and trust. (and some pixie dust)

[teh brittie]

I personally am a very moral person, and as such, personally would never commit (or tolerate others committing) adultery. However, I am not so pretentious as to believe that people are not worthy of second chances or having their circumstances considered. It's a very personal matter and it boils down to statistics.

Despite people being distinctly unique, we tend to follow certain patterns- if we didn't we wouldn't be capable of relating to one another. People have needs. Some to varying degrees, but the needs list usually contain the same items. Statistically, a very common reason for adultery is not getting 'it' enough. Is it partner A's fault for not wanting it as often? No. Is it partner B's fault for trying to get it somewhere else? Society says yes, I say yes, but some people say no- the reasons get complicated. The point is, though, that if a person did do it for those reasons then they are likely to keep doing it for those reasons when the chemistry behind guilt wears off. Since this is common, people say once a cheater always a cheater.

I'd say to yes look into circumstances.. but ignore any promises to not do it again. Decide if you're okay if they do, if you can handle it if they do. Go from there.

[glitter creature]

Insanity in a Bottle

I find I'm curious, and I'm looking for a more thorough answer than "drop tha b***h," or "castrate him."
If you had friends who were married, and they split because one was unfaithful, what are the general thoughts? Does it matter what the marriage was like prior to the adultery? At what point is adultery warranted, if ever?
Have you ever cheated? If so, do you feel you had good reason? Do you regret it? Would you change how any of it happened?

⊰ Both me and my boyfriend have strong feelings concerning loyalty within a relationship. We both have a 'one strike and you are out' policy, so to speak, although of course, if something were to happen, it is difficult to determine how we would actually react compared to how we theorise we would. Given how we are both monogamous and dislike even the idea of cheating on one's partner, however, the likelihood of either one of us going the adultery route is unlikely. My point of view is that adultery is never warranted. If a partner is unhappy in the relationship, then they should try and fix whatever is causing the unhappiness. If fixing it doesn't work, couple's therapy. If that doesn't work? Leave the relationship. Don't have your cake and eat it too. The marriage could have been picture-perfect, but it clearly cannot have been as perfect as it seemed if one or both partners felt the need to cheat.

This is, of course, only discussing marriages with monogamous individuals in. Both me and my boyfriend are monogamous, therefore that is the perspective I am discussing it from. But my view is that if one or more of the partners in a marriage are polyamorous, then surely it is something that would've been brought up earlier on in the relationship?

I have never cheated, but I have been cheated on. I have never forgiven my ex for it. ⊱

[zuzehhx]

I'd never get married in the first place. Seems like a naive waste of money. I don't need society to validate my relationship and then to pay for an expensive divorce. It cost my mother 30k to have her divorce. Not worth the effort. People are dicks and I'd expect them to cheat on me at some point, humans aren't so great at monogamy.

Also if someone cheated on me I'd drop them like a sack of bricks, no second chances when it comes to that.