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Avgvsto's avatar

Dapper Reveler

I am a big supporter of babies.
Eisefin's avatar

Greedy Receiver

bobloon


What ever happened to young women(late teens to early 20's) wanting to go out into the world to find themselves, experience the beautiful opportunities that are available, and not be tied down instead of staying at home raising babies?

Who says I cannot have my cake and eat it too? As far as technology and resources go, I am fully capable of finishing up my last two years of college education online while still raising my family from home. I purposely planned it this way so that I would put forth the first two years going into the actual college building, working hands-on with what I needed to do, and then I could (if I wanted) oblige to finish the education online or put it off until the children are in school to finish my degree.

But it was my passion as a young woman to start a family young. I live in Minnesota. We are a prosperous, woodland land with ten-thousand lakes, and plentiful hunting and fishing all around. I spent my years growing up in the brush hunting, fishing, tracking and experiencing the wilderness and life itself. But my mother and father experienced these things with me, even as an infant. They exposed me to this world and that’s all I wanted.

I don’t yearn to go out and party, experience big, overly populated cities, or travel greater distances when I am happy in the state and land that I own. I searched for my suitable mate, we discussed what our lively goals would be in this world, and we sought to accomplish them together until we were financially secure and living in a beautiful home before we even hit out 20’s. At a near 22 years of age with my second child on the way, I can honestly say I have no regrets as this is exactly what I wanted.

And to me personally, anyone who thinks they can do both is wrong because that child doesn't deserve to share you with anything else. Once you become a mother, your focus should be solely on the development of that kid. All your selfishness must go out the window. Oh, and it would be beneficial to know who you are before you give yourself up to a baby.

Not entirely true. Children need stability in both parents to flourish and thrive in this world. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a mother and a father, but a maternal and paternal individual to share responsibilities, stabilize emotional and mental development through structure, restrictions, and guidance, and for the child to understand that their world is far much greater than their parents. A child needs to develop and learn about other people, strangers, friends, family, and so on. They need to learn independence and in order for them to do so they need to be let go even for a short period to visit with family, to play with the kids at the playground, or to go to day care.

My nephew was absolutely sheltered by his mother. She wouldn’t let anyone hold him, play with him, or babysit if she wanted to go anywhere. She brought him with and always had him by her side. By the time kindergarten rolled around he was an emotional and mental wreck as he could not be separated from his mother for more than one minute. They had to send him home because he grew violent, hysterical, and even started to harm himself so intensively that he had stiches all up and down his cheeks and forehead from scratching himself and hitting his head into things. Development wise, he was normal and there were no mental defects that caused this, it was emotionally and mentally stimulated because he had no independence from his mother.

I do focus my attention on my child. I have raised him very well where at eighteen months he can walk independently without grabbing and hitting everything down isles when we go to the store, he doesn’t try to run away or rip his hand from mine to go grab a toy or say hello to a child, and he knows how to not touch animals if a dog or a cat walks by. He understands looking with the eyes, not the hands.

He also can spend a day or two away from me if his grandparents or aunts & uncles wish to take him for some family thing. He’s so well socialized that he can stand to be gone from mine or his father’s side. He can cope without us there. He can have fun and observe and learn without us there coaching him every moment of the day because this is normal development for a child.

They need that time away. They need that independence. I don’t do it because I want to be away from him, heavens no. We did it because that’s what’s necessary for him so that he can make that choice to go have fun.

I wanna smoke cigarettes, stay up late, stare at the tv for hours, only have school to be stressed about, have a job to be able to buy whatever I want for myself and family and friends, decide to go out whenever I want, drink soda, eat food that's bad for me, travel with only a toothbrush, etc. To be noted: all the things that I mentioned that I want to do shouldn't lead you to think that being a parent does not equal not being able to do healthy things that you love.

And those are things that you want to do. I do not and have not even as a teenager. I had schedules for myself, I had guidelines, and I had different aspirations and desires than you. I have no desire to smoke, I have no desire to stay up late (10:00pm is honestly the longest I can make and ever could), I don’t care to stare at the television for hours, I actually enjoyed school and miss High School but I am eager to return to college in the years to come, and I could never go anywhere with just a toothbrush to begin with. That’s be absurd.

But drinking soda and the food thing is all personal opinion. When you say food that is bad for you, what exactly do you mean? Completely organic, sugar-free, non-fatty foods? Because eating perfect means very little so long as you recognize how to portion said foods responsibly, which also works for the soda drinking. I am so far a week overdue for my delivery and I have maybe a can of soda every other day because the caffeine and sugar content is much too low to do absolutely anything to the child and at this point in the pregnancy is won’t do any ill-effects regardless. And eating foods that is bad for me, you’re still going to have to be less vague.

You shouldn't smoke when you have a child; you shouldn't drink soda when you have a child(because then you can't control them drinking soda), and the same for junk food; you can't stay up late for the heck of it because it'll only be hurting you; you can't travel with only your toothbrush when you have a child; having a job means money for your child, not for any silly thing for whomever else....

My father smoked when he had us, but he had the decency to do so outside or in his bedroom. He never openly exposed us to second-hand smoke and the times that we were exposed it was outdoors and we didn’t have to stand right next to him. He educated us at a young age the wrongs that smoking could do to our bodies and he showed us every day how he was trying to quit (and he’s almost there to this day!) and what could go wrong with his life if he didn’t quit. Smoking is an addiction that we learned about and we never held it against him, my siblings and I. It didn’t make him a bad parent, it didn’t make him a bad person, and it never changed our opinions and views of him.

How he raised us determined that. Just because he smoked didn’t mean we had to smoke or that we should, likewise with the soda drinking. Just because a parent drinks soda that does not mean that the child is then obligated to do so. Otherwise I would have been smoking and knocking back 12 packs of Coca-Cola from a young age, don’t you think?

And junk foods are fine in moderation. At my eldest son’s age currently, he doesn’t need to be eating junk foods but do I say no when his grandmother offers him a cookie? No. Do I object if his aunt and uncle want to take him to the county fair and buy him a pretzel with cheese? No. And why don’t I? Because these few times in his life where he may have something not so good for him does not override the good, balanced diet he normally has every single day. He is a healthy weight, good height, and his teeth are practically perfect with his good brushing habits. It’s all about getting your child into routines with stability and the structure to do what’s good for him and not let him run loose, throw temper tantrums until he gets candy, or give into his every demand.

You have to balance things. That’s what being a good parent is all about.

Also, who says that you have to spend every penny on your child? Our children have a roof over their head, food on their plates, clothes on their backs, and their necessities covered. We spend what we need to spend and spoil when we want to spoil. Otherwise, we have every right to purchase necessities for the house, entertainment or recreational items for ourselves, and to spoil the animals in the household as well. So long as the bills are paid, gas is in the car, all payments are kept up on, and nothing is amiss then why not?

Being a parent does not mean you have to drop every little thing for your child. You might want to rethink what being a parent is really about.

Now people are going to grumble about me stating the obvious, but oh well.

I’m not grumbling. You just sound like the typical teenager who is misinformed on what being a parent is about. It’s to be expected.
Child of the Full Moon's avatar

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Well why don't you have a baby? See how much fun it is....
marshmallowcreampie's avatar

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Doctrix
seal pup tirade
trying to strive for a balance with children is absurd


So no fathers are good parents? I strongly disagree with your statement, although balance doesn't HAVE to mean a career. I think that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to children is to have a life and goals and motivations outside of the children. It gives much needed perspective, relief (of pressures on both kids and parents), opportunities for other family and community members to help raise the children, and modeling of proper work-life balance for the kids for when they are adults themselves.


Good point on the perspective thing. It's probably not a good idea to raise your kid to think that your whole life revolves around them. Can make 'em turn into spoiled brats. It can be especially problematic when parents take it to the point where they spend all their time with their kid, and then it becomes harder for the kid to do anything without the parent around. Not to mention that having no life outside of your kids would probably drive you crazy. What's a parent gonna do when the kid doesn't want to, or isn't able, to spend all his time with them?
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bobloon
What ever happened to young women(late teens to early 20's) wanting to go out into the world to find themselves, experience the beautiful opportunities that are available, and not be tied down instead of staying at home raising babies?


There came to be a stigma against sexual abstinence. And appealing to that stigma, requires sexual activity. Which often leads to pregnancy.

Quote:
And to me personally, anyone who thinks they can do both is wrong because that child doesn't deserve to share you with anything else.


I disagree.

Quote:
Once you become a mother, your focus should be solely on the development of that kid.


No. You're still a person, and you still have your right to "get away from it all", sometimes. This is why we have babysitters. So parents can leave the child, for a while. Parents need that escape, sometimes, to avoid stressing out.
Admiral Dardanos's avatar

Hallowed Hunter

bobloon


I knew a women a few years back. She was twenty-one years old and she had a baby. Yet she had been traveling since it had been born. She'd been all over Europe, and when she came back she was doing lots of things. And yet, she was probably the nicest person I've ever met. I can't imagine a more loving caring mother.

So I don't think its impossible, it just takes a certain kind of person, a certain mindset.
catspook
seal pup tirade
catspook
What about fathers? Are they not allowed to have lives either?

Seriously, just because your child is your first priority does not mean they have to be your only priority - I've seen mothers who made their kids their whole lives; the kids didn't do so well.


not really possible to have any other priority if your first is a child

not any SERIOUS priority... that actually goes huge places, or means anything profound, or rewards you hugely in any way


And what is your basis for claiming that? Especially considering all your qualifying terms are relative: what qualifies as "huge places", "profound meaning", or "huge rewards"? Because I know plenty of parents who would argue that their careers or other pursuits have granted them some if not all of those things, but still their child(ren) is the best thing in their life and their first priority.


yeah but there are insane things you could do if you didnt have babies holding you back

everyone has babies
e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.
marshmallowcreampie
Doctrix
seal pup tirade
trying to strive for a balance with children is absurd


So no fathers are good parents? I strongly disagree with your statement, although balance doesn't HAVE to mean a career. I think that one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to children is to have a life and goals and motivations outside of the children. It gives much needed perspective, relief (of pressures on both kids and parents), opportunities for other family and community members to help raise the children, and modeling of proper work-life balance for the kids for when they are adults themselves.


Good point on the perspective thing. It's probably not a good idea to raise your kid to think that your whole life revolves around them. Can make 'em turn into spoiled brats. It can be especially problematic when parents take it to the point where they spend all their time with their kid, and then it becomes harder for the kid to do anything without the parent around. Not to mention that having no life outside of your kids would probably drive you crazy. What's a parent gonna do when the kid doesn't want to, or isn't able, to spend all his time with them?


careers are demanding these days though. you need to be a jack-of-all trades in a lot of industries. if you dont want to live for yourself i undersatnd but you cant slow down, enjoy things, explore things, get new perspectives (because everything hinges on your habitual routines)

you cant turn your life inside out at the drop of a hat and uproot and start something fresh and new its not your life anymore.


you can take vacations and whatnot but
your days aren't yours. your start living on a hamster wheel
Dardanos Immortalis
bobloon


I knew a women a few years back. She was twenty-one years old and she had a baby. Yet she had been traveling since it had been born. She'd been all over Europe, and when she came back she was doing lots of things. And yet, she was probably the nicest person I've ever met. I can't imagine a more loving caring mother.

So I don't think its impossible, it just takes a certain kind of person, a certain mindset.


yeah that becomes less and less likely the more you pile on a person, more so with a child. children are taxing on you emotionally and financially. a "magic mindset" doesn't reverse life circumstances
actually i dont want to have children and i'd prefer all of that.
catspook's avatar

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seal pup tirade
catspook
seal pup tirade
catspook
What about fathers? Are they not allowed to have lives either?

Seriously, just because your child is your first priority does not mean they have to be your only priority - I've seen mothers who made their kids their whole lives; the kids didn't do so well.


not really possible to have any other priority if your first is a child

not any SERIOUS priority... that actually goes huge places, or means anything profound, or rewards you hugely in any way


And what is your basis for claiming that? Especially considering all your qualifying terms are relative: what qualifies as "huge places", "profound meaning", or "huge rewards"? Because I know plenty of parents who would argue that their careers or other pursuits have granted them some if not all of those things, but still their child(ren) is the best thing in their life and their first priority.


yeah but there are insane things you could do if you didnt have babies holding you back

everyone has babies
e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.


You know, there is such a thing as too much hyperbole rolleyes
bobloon
What ever happened to young women(late teens to early 20's) wanting to go out into the world to find themselves, experience the beautiful opportunities that are available, and not be tied down instead of staying at home raising babies?


As has been stated I don't think many girls that age in developed countries WANTED to be tied down to children. This is something that happens at an astonishingly high rate. Those who do want children, it's a personal choice, maybe that's what they want to experience of the world.

bobloon

And to me personally, anyone who thinks they can do both is wrong because that child doesn't deserve to share you with anything else. Once you become a mother, your focus should be solely on the development of that kid. All your selfishness must go out the window. Oh, and it would be beneficial to know who you are before you give yourself up to a baby.


Part of being a mother is also keeping your own development from stagnating or else you fail as a human being and as a parent. You make it seem as though children are a death sentence. My wife-character has, after having our son, put herself through university so she could be a more well rounded person and a better mother with a degree and a stable job. Her intentions although self-improving are to the benefit of our kid.

bobloon
I wanna smoke cigarettes, stay up late, stare at the tv for hours, only have school to be stressed about, have a job to be able to buy whatever I want for myself and family and friends, decide to go out whenever I want, drink soda, eat food that's bad for me, travel with only a toothbrush, etc.


This is what you want to do that you consider knowing who you are?

bobloon

you can't stay up late for the heck of it because it'll only be hurting you; you can't travel with only your toothbrush when you have a child; having a job means money for your child, not for any silly thing for whomever else....


I dare you to try and NOT stay up late when you have a child. Just try and get some sleep.. Try.
You also assume that everyone's socioeconomic situation is exactly the same.


...There is nothing obvious about your post. You like everyone else has opinions and views vastly different from a lot of people. Forgive me if I find much of what you say baseless and juvenile.
seal pup tirade


everyone has babies
e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e.

No.... not everyone.
1012222345466778575765q's avatar

Beloved Inquisitor

This is one of the reasons that I most likely will never have kids.

I disagree that the parents can't have a life at all. They should be able to have fun, but the child must come first.
If the parents don't have lives of their own, children will have trouble taking a liking to them.

I babysit my two elementary-aged cousins every couple of weeks, and I can tell you without a doubt that they look up to me more than they look up to their parents. Kids love to be with exciting, adventurous people. Their parents are always busy with their jobs and their duties at home and hardly have time for their kids. They come over to my place and we play World of Warcraft, listen to heavy metal on Live365, have pizza and Coke, etc. They like me because they can actually be kids around me.

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