Hey! Shh! Settle down and listen up, knuckleheads! Our Back to School forum was intended as a place to connect with peers and prepare for the coming academic season, but instead it's become a cauldron of insanity and misbehavior. Therefore, I've declared Academic Martial Law: all students are now in automatic detention until further notice.

I have no gosh-darned idea what kind of nonsense is occurring in the Back to School forum, but I command all students to file in immediately and accept their detention without further mischief. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you participate in any extracurricular tomfoolery, even if you hear unfounded rumors of some kind of "prize."

Dean Dean