The Story of Star and Lune - 13 pages

[utopiansky]

This is my entry for Nanomango.
If you are confused, read through the thread.
No, I am not tracing.

"This story is about a girl who is your average high school girl, but then she meets this boy who actually is transported from another world! After they meet, the girl discovers that she is actually from his world and has special new abilities to see the world in ways that no one else can see!"

READ ONLINE!
you can go forward by clicking the page

(WARNING: this comic may not initially be representative of the artist's current artistic ability, Please proceed with caution.)

page 1
page 2
page 3
page 4
page 5
page 6
page 7
page 8
page 9
page 10 - Intermission
page 11
page 12
page 13



Thank you for reading

[IronSpike]

It's pretty much the same story I've seen told one hundred times. It's not interesting, it's not original, and I wouldn't care to read it.

If there was a big list of comic plot cliches, this would be in the top five.

[Kersian]

utopiansky

I love manga so I've been working on my own story for about a year now. It's about a girl who is your average high school girl, but then she meets this boy who actually is transported from another world! After they meet, the girl discovers that she is actually from his world and has special new abilities to see the world in ways that no one else can see!

The girl is named Star (which is her nickname). She has black hair and light blue eyes. Her personality is kind but a little spunky
Star

The boy is named Lune and he has blond hair and silver eyes. He is vey mysterious
Lune

What do you think? heart

I will have the first pages of my manga up soon, so you can understand better. whee

yay

Hmm Im not totally in love with this, there need to be more than just these characters, did you give enough thought to them, their likes, dislikes, flaws, strengths, background, etc? Do you have your secondary characters? Trust me they are as important as the main characters.

And your artistic skills could use some work. I would have to say body proportions.

[Kersian]

IronSpike

It's pretty much the same story I've seen told one hundred times. It's not interesting, it's not original, and I wouldn't care to read it.

If there was a big list of comic plot cliches, this would be in the top five.

Well yes, but this sounds a bit reversed. Usually it is the main protagonist who gets transported into another world then meeting their love interest.

[Kittygriffin]

I do agree that the basic plot is a bit cliche but there are a lot of stories out there that sound cliche when melted down to one sentence. It also depends a bit on your audience, what seems overdone to an adult or someone who reads a lot might be enjoyable entertainment for a younger audience.
I think if you like the story the important thing right now is to work on characters and world. Like why if she was always from this distant planet is she only now developing powers? What does she and Lune plan to do now that they have powers and are on the wrong planet? Are they trying to get Lune home, solve mysteries on Earth with her second vision etc?

[Kersian]

utopiansky

I love manga so I've been working on my own story for about a year now. It's about a girl who is your average high school girl, but then she meets this boy who actually is transported from another world! After they meet, the girl discovers that she is actually from his world and has special new abilities to see the world in ways that no one else can see!

The girl is named Star (which is her nickname). She has black hair and light blue eyes. Her personality is kind but a little spunky
Star

The boy is named Lune and he has blond hair and silver eyes. He is vey mysterious
Lune

What do you think? heart

I will have the first pages of my manga up soon, so you can understand better. whee

yay

Okay don't get so hyped up yet okay, your characters to me have no depth. They don't seem like real people, how would you describe yourself, your family, your friends?
With 10 words? I don't think so.
Characters are people too,
And why only 2 characters I dare ask
In a year you came up with only "2" characters? Really you must of have really used your time wisely for these characters.
And don't describe your characters like, oh he has blond hair and silver eyes or black hair and blue eyes. That tells me nothing of any sort on their personality. Spunky and mysterious, nu-uh.
Those don't give me any clue on how these people are like.
Really look at the people around you and try thinking how you were describe them, then do the same with your characters.
Oh and don't make a mary sue or a gary stu. Those totally suck, I don't want any perfect characters, I'll sure laugh if I read anything with a real mary sue. Make your characters balanced.

[ninota]

You need to work harder on your drawings, too. Try drawing from life.

[utopiansky]

sweatdrop maybe I should write out more details...then it wouldn't sound so cliche?
I'll explain more about where Lune is from in the manga, so it'll be a surprise

ninota

You need to work harder on your drawings, too. Try drawing from life.

they took me so long though gonk

[Kersian]

Kittygriffin

I do agree that the basic plot is a bit cliche but there are a lot of stories out there that sound cliche when melted down to one sentence. It also depends a bit on your audience, what seems overdone to an adult or someone who reads a lot might be enjoyable entertainment for a younger audience.
I think if you like the story the important thing right now is to work on characters and world. Like why if she was always from this distant planet is she only now developing powers? What does she and Lune plan to do now that they have powers and are on the wrong planet? Are they trying to get Lune home, solve mysteries on Earth with her second vision etc?

Yeah totally agreeing with this girl.
A plot needs first introduction to your characters, conflict of course. A certain mood to this story, I mean is it romance, adventure, action, horror, etc?
Conflict has to have some sort of problem, if there is no conflict, like Twilight, then the reader's will instantly get bored.
You also need a plot device to move your story along, a plot device is a techinique to get the story moving, an object or person to move onward with this story.
Right now your story lacks any conflict, plot device I would have to say there is none that I can see so far.

[Kersian]

utopiansky

sweatdrop maybe I should write out more details...then it wouldn't sound so cliche?
I'll explain more about where Lune is from in the manga, so it'll be a surprise

ninota

You need to work harder on your drawings, too. Try drawing from life.

they took me so long though gonk

Yes that is the beauty in writing, I mean did you really think characters were made out of the blue, well perhaps, but they were thought out carefully. Did you think some of our great writers today and back then did it when they were in their teens? No, well Stephenie Meyer, well I don't count her, she is an example not to be followed.

Oh and also be sure, if you have inserted yourself into the book as another character do not make it perfect, that is what Stehenie Meyer did and she failed miserably and some people are still blind to that fact.

[Kersian]

utopiansky

sweatdrop maybe I should write out more details...then it wouldn't sound so cliche?
I'll explain more about where Lune is from in the manga, so it'll be a surprise

ninota

You need to work harder on your drawings, too. Try drawing from life.

they took me so long though gonk

Writing more details in it will not change the fact that there is a perfect stain of cliche in your story. No it seems that there will always be cliches now, I say wrong, there are plenty more fresh ideas waiting to be harvested by writers
You need to be that person who gets one of those fresh ideas, and also think before you give the summary of the story. If you want a completely original idea then you might want to think if your plot has any over used ideas.

[utopiansky]

I never read twilight becasue I don't like vampires. xp so I don't know

Kersian

If you want a completely original idea then you might want to think if your plot has any over used ideas.

I like my idea, I don't care if it's not too original i guess

[Kersian]

utopiansky

I never read twilight becasue I don't like vampires. xp so I don't know

Kersian

If you want a completely original idea then you might want to think if your plot has any over used ideas.

I like my idea, I don't care if it's not too original i guess

Okay then, now if you want your story to be good, there must be as I mentioned conflict. It is the problem that involves the main character. It is absolitely necessary for this. Now the conflict can be the main character vs him or herself. main character vs society. main character vs nature. Things like that.
Now um there has to a a rising action, now this is like spicing it up, you sort of add more and more problems for this main character. Or just more information and introducing new characters (You need more characters!!!) this is to catch the interest of the reader.

[Kersian]

Okay now as in any book there is the climax, the very peak of the story, where some really bad happens, well you know what I mean, there could some things pointed out in the book, secrets, that sort. This climax could also be the turning point of your story.

The falling action well lets say it is the aftermath of this climax, it will affect the main character, the rest of the characters, your setting, and it proceeds like that.

Then ta-da your resolution, this is the end of course, something could be solved or nnot, but some books do not have a resolution at all, so you can do that.

[Kersian]

Now I suggest when you finish writing this story, review it, check for anything wrong. Then have a friend, family member read it, they have to actually give their honest opinion and not let the relationship between you two make them say this, "Oh my god I love it, you're so good at writing." No honest opinion, they have to give to you what they truly think, then if so you can either practice on your drawing skills then find an agent, or finish your book and find an agent.