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Nyan...okies...i had this idea for a story that i think mught actually be a winner with me this time but i want a second opinion...mind you it was spurred by halloween and a candy overdose...which is also what created the name :


HalloweenO-D. (O-D = over dose )

Sanzo Genji is a 17 year ols highschool student that just moves home to Japan after living in America for about 10 years. She was originally sent home to live with her uncle, but unknown to the parents, the uncle moved out 4 years ago. The house she eventually gets to is actually a really run down building in need of drastic repairs, granbted that it has like 20 rooms and is a 2 story house with a small basement area.

The first twist is that the house and area of forest surrounding it is protected by the spirit of a fox demon with eight tails. The first apearance of this character, named Taromo, is when he advises Genji to stay away from the house because it is said to be 'haunted'. The fox demon is greatly confused by Genji's reaction of running up to the house to get a better look at it, stating her intrest in the supernatural.

Finding that his initial scare tactic does not work he resortes to a new idea of revealing his true form of a giant 8 foot tall fox with 8 tails, each about 10 feet long. At first she is aprehensive but notices the lack of one tail(since in legend most are depicted as having 9 tails). Taromo, becoming embarased, reverts to his more human form, admiting to the fact that he is still in his 800's and not yet old enough to have a nineth tail.

They talk for a bit and Taromo decised that it is alright to alow her to live in the old house. Time passes and they patch up the house, becoming closer. Taromo however would never admit that he considers a human as a friend. Things continue like this for about a month...

Then school starts.

The first day is a fiasco with Genji getting up late and getting in trouble with the teacher. Afer that the rest of the day doesn't to too hot either. Finallt forgetting to pick up the books that she got that day from the teachers, she heads home for a nice nap.

A group of studens from her class notice that she left her books and hurry to follow her. Upon ariving at her home they pause and go through the whole speal about "OMG she's living in the old haunted house how creepy". Most of them refuse to go up, but the leaste superstitous one among them(who also happens to be one of the hottest guys on campus and a total stick in the mud) takes the books and clims the steps leading to the house. Durring the triade it is revealed that the house is actuallly part of an old shring that burned down that no one visited anymore.

Taromo watches (lets call him "A" for know cause i don't have a name for him yet) climb the steps up to the house and follows him the whole way. Upon reaching the house Taromo intercept him from kocking on the door because Genji is asleep. He grills huim for info on why he is there and get basically the same in return. For some reasong or other(probably going to be Taromo's territoriality) they get in a verbal fight and Genji wakes up. Giving them both an earful she invites "A" inside and the sit down for a snack. Later, after trying really hard not to let the actual secrets about the house and inhabitants out (yes there are spirits and other entities there) "A" leaves and thing get back to 'normal'. They eat dinner and things go on this way untill.....

I havent gottin that far yet.

Yes No Maybe?

Should i continue this? What do you like/dislike about it? Feedback is greatly apreciated ^_^. And yes that was a very brief summary.
Omg! Yes, you should continue this story; it sounds pretty nice and I think you're really talented! Your story is pretty well built I I think I'd read it! Keep it up! biggrin
Hm, well it definitely has potential, AND it's Halloween themed. You can never go wrong with that in my opinion.

I have a few questions though. First of all, why Japan, and in what area? Have you been there to actually know what it's really like?
I'd feel very insecure writing about a place I haven't experienced first hand. Not only that, every beginner seems to want to write a setting in Japan. Why? A place in the UK would suffice just as well.

Second, why is that house haunted? What do the spirits do and for never having experienced such a thing, shouldn't Genji be just a little bit weirded out?
If she has been into superstition all her life, then that's probably something you want to cover first.
And where does Taromo come from? Who are his ancestors? Why is he there and so friendly? Why does he try to warn Genji away from the house? What is his purpose for existing?

Your characters seem a bit undeveloped, and there is no apparent reason for "A" to bring Genji her books if he just leaves without noticing anything strange going on. The plot of the story (if there even is one) doesn?t seem to develop, either.

You should probably try and type up a better summary. This seems more like an outline of the first chapter. What's the point of the story? What's the major plot/storyline? Where are the conflicts? etc.

I?d be happy to help you more with the basics of story creation, if you want.
You know, I really like it.

For one thing, it's like the first actually developed story idea I've seen on gaia, so that can't hurt, but I have to agree with Bell on most of these points.

One, I'm a major fan of the "write what you know" or flatly "don't just copy japan" genre. I think that is one of the most major flaws with American Manga, along with giving people Japanese names if they aren't Japanese (shudder) however, I admit that several of the things you are trying to include, ie: nine-tailed foxy dudes (I do like the tails=age twist) and the, if overdone, Shrine theme.

Next point, it is ok for Sanzo to have a shrouded backround, if you make it clear that she has one, it's just secretive. And you ocassionally let things slip to remind people. And it's interesting.

Above all you have to introduce a reason for her to be able to see spirits, otherwise her greatest potential attribute is left unexplained, and on this point, you should at least give some explanation even if you keep the "real" reason secret, or it will just seen thrown together. As in "Hey seeing spirits is cool, lets have her do that! Alright!"

The pacing on the story is a bit weird, as you don't allot a time between ariving and going to school. Are we talking volumes or pages? Because I would have to say go for somewhere im between, because you do seem to be leading into a school centered theme you shouldn't waste too much time before getting into it, but seeing as your two main characters are seperate from the school, you should give them a chance to interact and express some of their motivations and emotions. Giving your characters personal, seperate reasons for acting as they do is the key to creating beleivable characters.


But as much as I ranted on it, I really did like the premise and as long as the art is passable I really think it could work. Good luck!~
As i said before, it was just the start of an idea...and it is kinda just the first chapter.

i have the characters developed a bit more than what i typed previously i just didn't have time to go into detail cause i only have like an hour and a half on the computer and i had other things i had to do as well.

I have more time today so it should be easier to explain things a bit more. As far as wanting to set the story in Japan, one of the main characters in Fox demon, typically found in and originating from japan. I'm also a part of my schools club that researches japan and the history. Many of the houses in Japan actually aren't very old i know. That's becauseeach family often rebuilds it to suit their own specific need. I also find the Japanese myts a lot more interesting than others and wanted to incorporate other myths as well.

As far as the house being haunted, it was an old shrine untill a fire destroyed most of it. there were supposed "ancient seals" containbing many of the restles spirits. How i have the story set up it was going to be later revealed that durring the fire the spirits were let lose but have now lost their way since they were trapped so long and reside in the building. Taromo was also one of these spirits.

Genji is a paranormal buff. It's her thing. I love in Florida and my mom and I always go to ST. Augustine, searching for paranormal activity, so it's also kinda my thing to. Later in the story it as going to go into her past about how she lives arounf the st. augustine area and they always went to go visit haunts.

I still haven't figured out why she is sent to japan yet but i'm working on it. If you have any ideas on that feel free to say them.

Taromo is a fox demon that has inhabited the land surrounding the old shrine for well over 800 years. He wasn't supposed to come off as nice. Sorry if he did but i was trying to rush the summary. According to my slight alteration of the fox demon legend, a fox will grow in size and a new tail will split from the original tail every 100 years. When he was warning her about the haunting it was to try and trick her to leave because he was trying to keep her away from his territory. when that doesn't work he gives up for a while, trys again and then realizes that she actually know what the heck shes talking about. as far as demons go 800 is still mildly young. Basically hes just the"grr go away i wanna be alone hi how are you" kinda character.




Sanzo Genji

Age:17
Gender:female
Hail:medium greyish lavender
Eyes:right brown with orange tinge, left violet
relative height:5'5"

Hobbies include studying legends and costume design and creation.

She is a bit wierder than you average teenage girl. At school she tends to sit alone because most other people find her strange and vice versa. Because of her upbringing she tends to look at the world as a very chaotic place and views people as unorganized with messed up priorities. Granted that her grades arent 100% they are still on the higher end, averaging out somewhere between a C and a B. She was originally born in Japan and became very interested in the hiostory of her land of origin. This led her to also become interested in the mythology and legends that surrounded the 'factual' Japanese history. Her father was Japanese and was the one who carried the odd eye gene. Her mother, American, had the silvery hair. Her father was originally disonwed because of his eyes. He kept in touch with his brother for a while though and only lost contact 6 years after they had moved to America.


I'll post the rest in another thing cause my comp is about to die on me....plus i have to get off to eat dinner.
Continuing where i left off...

ps, i hadn't thought about the month between arival and school but i will now...get back to it later.


Taromo

Age:873
Gender:male
Hail:Reddish brown tipped black
Eyes:light green trimmed in yellow
relative height:5'11"

Hobbies include making the live of humans h*ll.

Dislikes (most) humans greatly, mainly because he was sealed within a shrine for over 100 years of his life. Genjis family were the ones who originally sealed him into a mini shrine.Right before he is going to admit that they are friends, he finds out her origins and there is a short time where he is the antagonist. He's really a sweet guy on the inside but that gooey center is surrounded by a hard sour coating 200 years thick.
((more to write but i'm once again pressed for time))


I'll have to finish the rest tomorrow but i will post the concept pic i have of them but only one is colored so far....remember.. "Concept"




Human version of taromo(only one slightly colored and i don't like the bottom one at all......)

Fox form of Taromo(want to do a better version of it though)

Sanzo Genji...not colored...use your imagination
I don't know, but I think Genji might be a guys name(only). You might want to check on that...(unless you know for sure, and I'm wrong)
Another little thing, I think that guy looks quite similar to Kenshin. At least a first glance.
hmm....guess i'm not gone yet....I think i will check on genji's name...that or add -ko to the end which almost automatically makes the name female in origin.....

Perhapse Taromo will onlt tie his hair back once in a while cause he really does look like kenshin....ah well

I can't remember what i was goning to write anymore on this right now after i had been thinking about it a lot so i'm just gonna sat this....I thought about ir like 4 days ago maybe and it is not fully backed yet.....it is more than half backed though so that's doning good i guess.

I was also very stupid today in latin class. we were told to write a paragraph story about "fur fortis", a brave thief. Me being me suggested that i draw the whole thing instead of maybe 10 min writing and now she wants in my monday so i'm trying to think of that at the same time and i know i missed a lot of the things i wanted to write for this now and i should probably start on the school thing. And that was a very long and off topic run-on sentence.

The end....for now.
geez bri bri one would think you liked makeing short posts razz but oh well biggrin i read it and i wanna see you drawing it rather than reading it...cause i may not be one to talk but spell check is a good friend of mine biggrin razz and if you dont know who this is then im hitting you stare but any way MURPHY'S LAW NEEDS LOVE TOO YA KNOW...ok were good now sweatdrop
I don't like the whole japanese characters and setting bashing because manga is a form of escapism. not to mention all the demons and spirits in japanese culture that would totally suite the story.^^ it will just take some research.

I would like to know more about the bishie bringing Genkiko [until you mentioned that she was a girl, I thought she was a guy because of the name] her books, and his motives. :3
Brio
hmm....guess i'm not gone yet....I think i will check on genji's name...that or add -ko to the end which almost automatically makes the name female in origin.....


Genjiko wont work... here's a name site. There aren't a whole lot of names there, but you might find something(you could also just google for 'japanese names')
Ok, let's see if this will work....however i really liked the name Genji...*pout* I'll change her name to Kane which is an a-sexual name for either.....

about the dude that brings the books back, they were originally just a bunch of students that were actually trying to maybe do a good deed and as far as the guy(which i still have no name for and now might not even include him into the story because i'm getting so many complaints on an idea that was spurred by a holiay and not totally thought through because it was just a possible idea and might not even come into existance for a story that i was going to do to amuse myself and wanted to just know if anyone liked it cause i know i still have a lot of things to sort our for!)

yeah.....

Anywho...hes not that bright in the superstition yeah right kind of person so he wouldn't pick up that kind of stuff unless he was looking for it. He's just a sort of nice guy that doesn't want classmates to fall behind in schoolwork because of a stupid thing like accidentally leaving a book at school. So he brought it to her.

rawr.....this was originally just supposed to be for fun....

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