OC Angel Protected

Do you like Angel Protected

YES	0.0%	[ 0 ]
NO	66.7%	[ 8 ]
IT'S COOL	0.0%	[ 0 ]
CANDY!	0.0%	[ 0 ]
???	33.3%	[ 4 ]
Total Votes:			[ 12 ]

This poll closed on December 31, 2011.
No longer accepting new votes.

[Redfox44]

wahmbulance NO LONGER OPEN TOPIC wahmbulance

[harukaze poppu]

The art needs a lot of work.

[-2o]

Maybe i'm not the right audience for this, but the text you use for the inner thoughts and the opening narration is really, really cheesy. It's like you want me to take this comic seriously, and feel like what is being said is important, but your text choice says "this is a cheesy shojo." which is not a bad thing if that's what you are after, but it seems as if there is supposed to be some sort of urgent story here.

I like that you aren't info dumping in the beginning to show the relations between characters, but you try to get emotion out of the reader waaay too soon for it to be effective. When the narration says "Please big sister don't give up on love, its out there for you" I just sort of shrugged. I don't know these characters yet. I don't care about their relationships to each other yet, and you are sending mixed signals with your writing.

One second you're speaking about how important these guardians are, then you open into a romance I can't care about with the narration treating both as equally important. I feel zero urgency.

As I read on, I can only feel deep, and unending apathy. Your pacing is a mess. Everything happens so fast. She meets the guy and all of a sudden she's falling over herself, deep in love. It's comical and over wrought with flowery emotion that I can't see anyone outside of a cheesy romance displaying.

And I think that's a major problem. Your main character has no unique voice of her own. She's like every overly sentimental, bland, marginally spunky,chaste heroine that ever existed. None of the characters are anything more than one dimensional character types, and it seems like instead of writing out the interactions between characters, you are writing out the relationship between their character types and just simply writing along that well worn path, only without any sense of pacing.

For example,when our formerly unremarkable, lazy heroine cries about how inferior she is to her sister, to her protector, he gives her some inspirational lines and she feels grateful and its all emotional and wonderful, but you're moving so fast. We keep being told how lazy she is and all that good stuff, but other than sleeping in, we've never seen her actually be lazy. So when she says she's going to try her hardest for once, I feel nothing. She hasn't made any change from anything i've seen, so what is supposed to be a moving scene leaves me cold.

Now there is nothing that dictates that a story must be character driven, and i've enjoyed stories with lack luster development in that area before, but that is because they had engaging and gripping plots, some mystery I wanted to solve, some quest I cared about.

I still cannot grasp any purpose for these guardians. Besides this romance plot that doesn't interest me in any way, there is nothing going on where I see the need for the guardian or their protectors. Who are these people? Why in the world should I care? You state in the beginning that every planet needs a guardian but not why. Being the "life force" is not specific enough,especially when there is no effort to clarify any further

And for that matter, if they have some important thing they are supposed to be doing, why are the pairings all hetero men and women where attraction comes into play? Why not have a straight woman protecting another woman to minimize that kind of distraction? If there is only one per planet, their attentions shouldn't be divided.

Stop it with all the crying. Really, it does not make a scene emotional when you have not provided any reasons to care about the characters. And the blushing. I get the young chaste heroine doing it all the time, but the sister, and the mother, at even the slightest sign of attention? There are other ways to show interest, and you are picking the laziest one. And since all of the women act exactly the same, none of them particularly stand out, which is bad when they seem to be the main characters.

Also, stop tracing. For one thing, it's bad form and for another, your shaky anatomy looks even worse next to the traces because they don't suffer the same structural problems. Your art needs basic foundational help, which means you need to be studying anatomy. Doing a blow by blow would be a waste of both of our times. You should pay extra attention to proportion and to the relationship between the features on the face.

And as a little nitpick as a smoker, he has too much of it in his mouth. By the looks of it, he has the whole filter in his mouth. A cigarette rests between the lips at the end of the filter, his looks like its past the teeth. Like he's eating the damn thing.

[-2o]

You misunderstand: I'm not a pro. The reason I see the flaws so clearly in yours is because mine shares some of the same flaws. When you read alot of comics, you see errors better, even when you are still ******** it up yourself.

My Webcomic

My recommendation to you would be to read more comics, but read them while paying attention to the writing and the art. Look for the things that do not fit, that need fixing. And when you do that you'll be better at figuring out where you go wrong.

[harukaze poppu]

Redfox44

thank you for your review.
is there a comic that you have so I can see your work? It would help to see where you are coming from. It sound like you have a very professional way of looking at things and would like to know more about you.

It's really irrelevant whether or not he makes comics, what's relevant is that he reads them often enough to be able to offer you some really solid feedback. I'd listen to him, because his feedback is spot on.

I also wanted to add that the main character feels a lot like a Mary Sue to me. I'm not saying she is one, I'm just saying that's how she comes across.

[-2o]

Redfox44

I only ask because I would like to know his knowledge on art not just manga or anime. Everyone has there opinion on what good art is, mine is my style and I have had many year to get where I am today. So I could care less on that. On the story part this is just the first chapter and I already have more to come that explains more of the story and the characters. Tiara is only 17 and thinks like a 17 year old its boys boys boys and am I as pretty as the other girls; she is vary selfconcous where her older sister who is 19 is more confident but at the moment shes under stressed and very emotional. All three women are related and that's why they all seem the same. I bass them off my own family ties. (which is very Dramatic lol)

There are women Protectors and there are protectors that are mitch match but that not what this story is about if you want a yoai/Youi match manga/comic then this isn't the comic for you
I do read lot of manga and have many friends pro and miner and I also read Indy webcomics
I know whats trendy and I know what most people are looking for but I'm sticking to my own style and story.

I can see all the flaws he's talking about with not feeling connected with the characters and the connection being to quick between the Tiara and Elgor but most of what else he's asking are all thinks that are coming up in later chapters.

(Edit for weird grammar)
If your reader is not convinced that your story is interesting enough where they would stick around to find out the mystery, you are doing it wrong. Your characters are bland. They have no distinct personality. This is fine for a pulpy action oriented story. But if you want people to stick around and find s**t out, you need to give them a reason to stay. I don't give a s**t about chapter two if I cannot get through chapter one.

I'm not asking for the sake of adding homosexual romances. I'm asking because it's romance i'm saying they should be trying to avoid.

They seem the same because you cannot write characters. I'm related to my older sister who is older by a year, my younger brother who is my junior by two, and we all act distinctly different from each other.

It isn't a style to be a bad writer. You are a bad writer. You're a bad artist too, and that is not a style either. This has no relation to how far along you are in the story, when you can see it in the first two chapters. If you have pros telling you that your work is at anything but a beginners level, they are either really, really untalented or really, really fake.

You cannot tell the reader that the most important thing is that every planet has a guardian and then not give any indication why they need one in the first place, then bring up some over wrought drama that we cant possibly care about, center stage. Your whole premise supposedly relies on this guardian idea, and then you ignore it for two chapters. That's too damn long. If by the end of the first chapter that basic question isn't answered, I. DON'T. CARE. you can't build up urgency without even telling me what is going on on that basic level.

You are not a pioneer forging ahead, innovating in your own "style". Think about it like this: If you weren't you and you didn't have all the info on your characters in your head, would you still find this story remotely compelling?

[The Zorya]

You have to be aware, regardless of style itself, there is a standard of what is considered good art and not so good art. Your lines are clean, but lack variety (which is hella boring), your facial expressions look out of place and foreshortening is very lacking and you are not paying any second thought about proportions.
Tips: Avoid unchaptered pages. 4 pages before getting to actual comic that are simply serving as pin up are distracting and discouraging.
And another tip: if you can not make someone interested in comic by page 5, they hardly will keep reading. Story has potential, but you are loosing too much time on developing the relationship between two protagonists, while there is no indicator on any other kind of plot.

Sorry if this sounded as mainly negative oriented critique, I guess you can assume everything else is fine.

[harukaze poppu]

Redfox44

my style

Yeah no. The word "style" does not mean what you think it means. You're making mistakes, not stylistic choices. You don't have the foundations to stylize yet, and it shows.

I'd offer you some tips but you said "it's my style and I don't care" so I'm not going to bother with you, since you're obviously never going to listen or improve at all.

Good luck with your comic. You're going to need it.

[CB_Young]

From the looks of it, you're trying to take on a kind of story that can be really tricky to tell, namely, a fantasy or otherwise alternative universe setting with nothing that resembles an audience surrogate. (I'm trying to do the same thing, so believe me, I know how difficult it can be- Especially when you're trying to show rather than tell.)

Not only does your audience know nothing about this world, but there is no character whose job it is to ask the questions that the audience is asking. All of the information that the audience needs to have needs to come from the art, or be worked into realistic dialogue. There are some things that your reader will suspend disbelief for, but your story is missing some big things that readers really need to know. By this point in your story, it felt like I should know what a Guardian is- and why they need protectors- if I'm going to keep reading; and I don't.

-2o gave you the kind of critique that writers are desperate to get, and overjoyed when they do. It certainly isn't praise, but it is what they know will help them improve. I'd give it some serious consideration if I were you.

[harukaze poppu]

I wonder why I even bother anymore.

[corollary]

ninitan

I wonder why I even bother anymore.

Because you have some sort of masochistic hope for humanity?

PS. OP, deleting your original post, and all of the subsequent replies you gave to everyone here looks immature. It's really best to just let the topic thread die and fade away, or better yet acknowledge the logic of those who responded in a calm, polite manner and then walk away. Deleting makes you look like a sullen brat. But you're probably not going to read this, are you. (I know, because I did that years ago, when I was a sullen, immature brat.)