Welcome to Gaia! ::

Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
ANNOUNCEMENT! I need a little help on fine tuning a future character and would like to set up a think tank. Would any of you loyal fans care to participate?
Noe Shu's avatar

Witty Humorist

11,500 Points
  • The Perfect Setup 150
  • Happy Birthday! 100
  • Ultimate Player 200
Ophelianime
ANNOUNCEMENT! I need a little help on fine tuning a future character and would like to set up a think tank. Would any of you loyal fans care to participate?
Sounds like fun
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
Noe Shu
Ophelianime
ANNOUNCEMENT! I need a little help on fine tuning a future character and would like to set up a think tank. Would any of you loyal fans care to participate?
Sounds like fun

oh good
mind if I pm you?
Noe Shu's avatar

Witty Humorist

11,500 Points
  • The Perfect Setup 150
  • Happy Birthday! 100
  • Ultimate Player 200
Ophelianime
Noe Shu
Ophelianime
ANNOUNCEMENT! I need a little help on fine tuning a future character and would like to set up a think tank. Would any of you loyal fans care to participate?
Sounds like fun

oh good
mind if I pm you?


Nope I don't mind
First Chapter: (First impression)
I think your first chapter is confusing but I have a feeling I am supposed to be confused. I am not sure whether she is changing universes or time traveling. She is saying a lot about changing universes but it seems like she is time traveling while also traveling to different locations. With all the possibilities in parallel universes I think there is a lot of lost potential. This is where your imagination could go wild, yet you still seem bound by the rules of our universe. As someone who enjoys fantasy it is possible that my tastes simply don't suit the story and mind you, this is NOT a bad story. If I didn't think it was good I would have not said anything. I just think you could go further with the concept and really make something of it. I feel also that we would be better off getting to know your character. All I know about her is that she is a science fiction fan. The problem with this is, I don't feel like I care about your character because I don't know her.

Here are some positives about your story:
- The naked guys were funny
- It is in the realm of fantasy so there is a lot of room for imagination
- The art looks great (you have a good artist to work with)
- Your main character is hesitant to put on the bracelet - I like this because it is realistic. She doesn't just jump at the opportunity to put on the bracelet because a real person probably wouldn't. Her concerns also make the audience curious.
- The fact that she is a science fiction fan might justify that she automatically assumes she time traveled (which wasn't even a big issue really)
- There is a good sense of anime humour. Anime humour is very popular at the moment and I like that it is using the situation to be funny.
hisoka hxh's avatar

Popular Hunter

3,000 Points
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Peoplewatcher 100
  • Treasure Hunter 100
some antagonists, maybe?
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
hisoka hxh
some antagonists, maybe?

Don't worry
There will definitely be antagonists
In fact, one will be appearing in chapter 6
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
silverstez
First Chapter: (First impression)
I think your first chapter is confusing but I have a feeling I am supposed to be confused. I am not sure whether she is changing universes or time traveling. She is saying a lot about changing universes but it seems like she is time traveling while also traveling to different locations. With all the possibilities in parallel universes I think there is a lot of lost potential. This is where your imagination could go wild, yet you still seem bound by the rules of our universe. As someone who enjoys fantasy it is possible that my tastes simply don't suit the story and mind you, this is NOT a bad story. If I didn't think it was good I would have not said anything. I just think you could go further with the concept and really make something of it. I feel also that we would be better off getting to know your character. All I know about her is that she is a science fiction fan. The problem with this is, I don't feel like I care about your character because I don't know her.

Here are some positives about your story:
- The naked guys were funny
- It is in the realm of fantasy so there is a lot of room for imagination
- The art looks great (you have a good artist to work with)
- Your main character is hesitant to put on the bracelet - I like this because it is realistic. She doesn't just jump at the opportunity to put on the bracelet because a real person probably wouldn't. Her concerns also make the audience curious.
- The fact that she is a science fiction fan might justify that she automatically assumes she time traveled (which wasn't even a big issue really)
- There is a good sense of anime humour. Anime humour is very popular at the moment and I like that it is using the situation to be funny.

thank you for that honest and fair critique
I will definately keep this in mind for when I begin the editing process
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
I just made an update, and will make another tonight or tommorrow, so keep eyes open!
hisoka hxh's avatar

Popular Hunter

3,000 Points
  • Popular Thread 100
  • Peoplewatcher 100
  • Treasure Hunter 100
Ophelianime
I just made an update, and will make another tonight or tommorrow, so keep eyes open!


I just added you as a fan.
Noe Shu's avatar

Witty Humorist

11,500 Points
  • The Perfect Setup 150
  • Happy Birthday! 100
  • Ultimate Player 200
Could somebody walk by when she yelling and give her a weird look......If not its totally happening in my head
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
Just started uploading chapter four!
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
hisoka hxh

I just started a poll. Check out the Original Post
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
QueenTroll38

I just started a poll. Check out the Original Post
Ophelianime's avatar

Chatty Dabbler

8,550 Points
  • Inquisitor 200
  • Mark Twain 100
  • Popular Thread 100
Samanthai

I just started a poll. Check out the Original Post

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games