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I just updated my comic with a new chapter! Please read it here and if you feel like it, I'd very much appreciate some feedback!

Thank you!
XMegantronX's avatar

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well...i'm only a few pages in so far and i'm so lost...

first thing. she says she can see white, black, and orange patterns and somehow that translates to her seeing extremely high and low heat traces? o.O then a page after establishing that, she says she can see blue dots. i thought she only saw white, black and orange?

and if the main character thinks that the vampire boy is human (cosplayer) then why is she not concerned that she can see him like she does other ghosts. do real people and ghosts look alike to her? if so, then she can really see perfectly fine with the added ability of seeing ghosts?

sudden yuri romance? that seemed really random. o.O even the language she uses seems out of character (even though it's the beginning.) i would have included minor flirting before leading up to this and maybe a close-up glamour shot of Dory in the main character's mind. basically, how the main character sees her as sexy. because in that shot dory doesn't look very sexy. she looks worn out.

and you don't really need the words *jump* and *step* to let us know that they're jumping or stepping. we should be able to tell from the art alone.

wait...the next time we see our main character she has no clothes on...did she just have sex with 2 other people still in the room!? DX dear god...

so the main character is looking at people just fine so i'm assuming she's not really blind and just sees weird colors.

o.O why did derek call lucy tiny boobies? seems random. and then he comments on the other girl's boob size. kinda makes him seem sleazy. is the first thing he notices about girls is their boob size? derek is becoming more and more unlikable because it seems all he's concerned with are boobs. he doesn't even acknowledge the girls by name, but boob size.

ok, now lucy is hitting on liz? is she just crushing on everyone whom she finds attractive?

*face palm* all the guys except the dead vamp are idiots...and pretty sexist.

ugh...i couldn't read the whole thing. too many plot holes and i don't really care about what happens to any of the characters. i got to clash II or whatever so i read most of it. after that many chapters, i should have learned more about the characters and actually care about someone, but i just don't. they end up annoying me more than anything else. your characters end up being one of 3 things: a girl, a dumb guy obsessed with boobs every 2 seconds, or serious but lack of character.

the art is ok. there are some anatomy issues and i can tell where you really cut the corners on backgrounds, but i was able to tell what things were. don't rush on line work. take more time on it because it's lacking right now.

sorry if this sounds harsh, but the story is what's really the killer. no likable characters+ no engaging story=disinterest. i think a greater effort should have been put in to making the people seem more real.

good luck on future works, though :/ again, hope i wasn't too harsh. just thought you should know.
XMegantronX
well...i'm only a few pages in so far and i'm so lost...

first thing. she says she can see white, black, and orange patterns and somehow that translates to her seeing extremely high and low heat traces? o.O then a page after establishing that, she says she can see blue dots. i thought she only saw white, black and orange?

Oh, nice catch! I didn't even realize that and I've re-read the comic quite a few times myself.

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and if the main character thinks that the vampire boy is human (cosplayer) then why is she not concerned that she can see him like she does other ghosts. do real people and ghosts look alike to her? if so, then she can really see perfectly fine with the added ability of seeing ghosts?
Hm, nice, I'm liking your questions a lot. I should hire you as a reviewer for each chapter I release, hahahah! But getting back to your question - the only explanation I can give you is that on this page Lucy says that Derek's heat signature is not ghostly. So at that point she starts realizing that he's not a ghost. Five pages later he starts telling his story and that confirms for her that he's not a ghost.

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sudden yuri romance? that seemed really random. o.O even the language she uses seems out of character (even though it's the beginning.) i would have included minor flirting before leading up to this and maybe a close-up glamour shot of Dory in the main character's mind. basically, how the main character sees her as sexy. because in that shot dory doesn't look very sexy. she looks worn out.
I agree and I've actually been yelled at for that page, heheh! sweatdrop I'll have to fix her text so it's not as flirty.

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and you don't really need the words *jump* and *step* to let us know that they're jumping or stepping. we should be able to tell from the art alone.
I've actually seen this done in some professional comics, I thought it was nice so that why I did it too.

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wait...the next time we see our main character she has no clothes on...did she just have sex with 2 other people still in the room!? DX dear god...
Hahahah! Gosh, I'm so sorry that you're so confused! gonk Y'see, in this page, second panel, you see Lucy taking her shirt off.

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so the main character is looking at people just fine so i'm assuming she's not really blind and just sees weird colors.
Well, yes and no. What I'm trying to convey is that her vision is supposed to be exactly like this.

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o.O why did derek call lucy tiny boobies? seems random. and then he comments on the other girl's boob size. kinda makes him seem sleazy. is the first thing he notices about girls is their boob size? derek is becoming more and more unlikable because it seems all he's concerned with are boobs. he doesn't even acknowledge the girls by name, but boob size.
There's a pretty silly reason for that. I'll eventually have to explain it.

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ok, now lucy is hitting on liz? is she just crushing on everyone whom she finds attractive?
lol, yea. Well, more like her favorite friends. Next up it's Rachel! xd

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*face palm* all the guys except the dead vamp are idiots...and pretty sexist.
You must mean Derek and Dwayne in that order. There's a legit reason why Derek is so dense. Same goes for Dwayne... I... just haven't released it yet. Sorry, my comic takes forever to work on. sweatdrop

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ugh...i couldn't read the whole thing. too many plot holes and i don't really care about what happens to any of the characters. i got to clash II or whatever so i read most of it. after that many chapters, i should have learned more about the characters and actually care about someone, but i just don't. they end up annoying me more than anything else. your characters end up being one of 3 things: a girl, a dumb guy obsessed with boobs every 2 seconds, or serious but lack of character.
That's alright. My friend told me the same exact thing.

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the art is ok. there are some anatomy issues and i can tell where you really cut the corners on backgrounds, but i was able to tell what things were. don't rush on line work. take more time on it because it's lacking right now.
Yup, backgrounds have never been my thing. Heck, I even drew what was supposed to be building but with no windows. That was pretty shameful.

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sorry if this sounds harsh, but the story is what's really the killer. no likable characters+ no engaging story=disinterest. i think a greater effort should have been put in to making the people seem more real.

good luck on future works, though :/ again, hope i wasn't too harsh. just thought you should know.
It's all good. I rarely get any feedback anyways, you must be like my third or fourth person giving me a legit review, so I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
XMegantronX's avatar

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well, feel free to ask anytime you're unsure on something. i'm always happy to give my opinion ^^

good luck!
Okay. So I'm reading your work and I'll review it as I go, that way I won't leave out or forget anything.

First off in Derek's short retelling of his back story; is Lucy just filling in what she thinks happened to him? The whole gamer-parent thing? I was a little lost here. And perhaps in general. I know characters develop by releasing more of themselves little by little, so maybe I don't have the whole picture. (of course not!) However... I was both a little confused, and left with the feeling that something was left out. I feel like you tried to tell too much and left out little details here and there that might be obvious to you, but aren't so for us. Lucy jumped to the conclusion about his adoptive parents and as a reader who has just met this character too, I think I should be able to come to a similar conclusion. I'm not sure if this is making any sense to you. I'm not very eloquent with what I'm trying to say

Following up on XMegantronX, the background could use some work in some areas. In a short snippet where Derek is jumping over a building...it took me way too long to realize what was going on. I definitely understand not fleshing out background when it's 'background'. But when a character is interacting with it, it should be just a tad more detailed. Or maybe I'm a little dense. I just wasn't sure what was happening.
But as I move on, the other buildings he's jumping onto look nice! Maybe just spruce them up with some shadow/color. Like in the scene with the ice titan attacking the city and all the people running about. I think it's a lovely scene, but compared to the titan with all his shadows and complex shading, it looks a little bland. (just reiterating the point of adding more depth to the background)

Hmm...I read through a few more chapters. I think XMegantronX covered most of what I saw that was off. I can see where you have a very interesting plot, but at times it seems buried very deeply beneath random yuri flirting, and comments about all the teachers missing? (or maybe this develops later, I stopped at chapter six) There's just a few things that seem like loose ends to me now. I know that you may have things planned in the future for all of these ideas. But I feel like maybe a whole bunch of plot is being withheld until later (presumably), so that I'm not engaged enough to get to that point.
Although this is just a personal opinion.

In conclusion for now:
You definitely have an interesting story. I'd love to read more... but the excess comments on boobs from the guys, and weird out of the blue yuri moments, are a bit much. Like XMegantronX said, I'm just not connected to any of the characters enough to care what happens. On the bright side, I think your artwork is awesome!!! Aside from the background needing some love, the characters and fight scenes have shown through enough to tell a story. I'm just not sure what the story is at the moment.

I will continue reading, but for now this is all the review I care to give. I hope you find this a bit helpful. And much luck with your comic!
kittiko
Okay. So I'm reading your work and I'll review it as I go, that way I won't leave out or forget anything.


Yay!

Yea, it's pretty much what Lucy said, it's just the kind of stories she'd been hearing about lately on TV. She she thoguht Derek was a victim of the same fate.

There really is quite a lot of story to be revealed yet.

Thank you so much for your review.
I hope you enjoy reading the rest and I'd be glad to hear more from you if you'd like to share.

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