[[ Midwinter ]] Would you read this manga?

Would you read this?

Yes	43.8%	[ 7 ]
No	12.5%	[ 2 ]
Maybe, it depends.	43.8%	[ 7 ]
Total Votes:			[ 16 ]

[Kyousouka]

The new summary is much better!

The "highly prized" sentence does seem like it's a bit too much info, but if you're attached to it, it could stay. It's much better than what you had before.
I personally think "the miracle drug asterite" would be better since it's simpler, but it does sound a bit like an infomercial. Maybe try keeping the idea but rephrasing it? "Mysterious cure-all", "seemingly magical", I don't even know.

By the way, "properties" are had, not contained. So that should be "and is rumored to have controversial arcane properties."

"His search soon reveals blahblah" seems extraneous, and doesn't imply that he takes any action. How about "He sets out to infiltrate the only facility with an ample supply: the heavily guarded Gemini Hospital."


"playing security guard" sounds like he's impersonating a security guard. If that's not what he's doing, I recommend a change of wording.

Is the "already" in the last sentence needed? The sentence also feels like it's running on. You're expressing two distinct ideas - Nox gaining the trust of the faculty and Director, and Nox trying to unravel those delicious secrets. I'm not really sure what to suggest as a re-write though D:

[Kokoro_Densetsu]

Sorry for the long absence--last month I had a deadline for doing a short manga, so I really had no time to do anything. In better news, I finally got my old account back, so I don't have to use the other one anymore. |D;

Kyousouka

The new summary is much better!

The "highly prized" sentence does seem like it's a bit too much info, but if you're attached to it, it could stay. It's much better than what you had before.
I personally think "the miracle drug asterite" would be better since it's simpler, but it does sound a bit like an infomercial. Maybe try keeping the idea but rephrasing it? "Mysterious cure-all", "seemingly magical", I don't even know.

By the way, "properties" are had, not contained. So that should be "and is rumored to have controversial arcane properties."

"His search soon reveals blahblah" seems extraneous, and doesn't imply that he takes any action. How about "He sets out to infiltrate the only facility with an ample supply: the heavily guarded Gemini Hospital."


"playing security guard" sounds like he's impersonating a security guard. If that's not what he's doing, I recommend a change of wording.

Is the "already" in the last sentence needed? The sentence also feels like it's running on. You're expressing two distinct ideas - Nox gaining the trust of the faculty and Director, and Nox trying to unravel those delicious secrets. I'm not really sure what to suggest as a re-write though D:

We ended up taking out the details of asterite and the extraneous parts. This is what we have for the first two paragraphs, now:

As a powerful caster and experienced thief, Nox is determined to get the hottest commodity in the black market: asterite. Unfortunately, the only facility with an ample supply of the controversial drug is the heavily guarded Gemini Hospital.

But he isn't the only one after asterite, and the situation soon calls for him to protect the very hospital he sought to steal from. His show of power lands him into the role of security guard and ultimately forces him to adjust to his new, legal life as Commander of Core Security.

I was having a bit of trouble with the "Unfortunately" and "But" at the beginning of two sentences (at the end of paragraph 1 and the beginning of paragraph 2) I think I originally had them switched, or maybe one didn't have a word preceding it, but something seems off no matter what I do. I think the problem is that they're back to back and similarly structured.

As for the last paragraph, we took out the "already", but I'm still unsure what to do with the "cramming in two separate ideas" problem.

"With the hospital breathing down his neck, Nox needs to earn the trust of the faculty and Hospital Director, Pendiah Hemera, to carry out his duties." Doesn't sound like an ending sentence to me, but I could be wrong? I may just have to rewrite it entirely.

The stipulations I want for this last part is:
-Trust to somehow be mentioned or implied, since that's the main conflict of the first arc
-Pendiah to be mentioned by name, as she's the female lead. (But she can't be the one "breathing down his neck", because she hired him herself. While she doesn't trust him yet, she's doing her fair share of defending his place there)

[Kyousouka]

How about replacing the "But" with a longer clause, such as "He thinks it'll be a walk in the park, but" or something? You could use it as a chance to highlight some aspect of his personality (my suggestion is as lame as can be).

"His show of power lands him into the role of security guard and ultimately forces him to adjust to his new, legal life as Commander of Core Security." This sentence is redundant, it talks about him being a security guy twice (to a reader, I don't think the leap from "here's a job!" to "you're the main security guy now!" is important at this point. I get what you're trying to do with it, but I think it should be made less redundant.)

What if you take the "life adjustment" part out of that sentence, and merge it with the trust issues, since these are two of the main conflicts in the first arc from what I can tell? "Nox must adjust to his new, legal life [as Commander of Core Security] and to the hospital watching his every step. He wants to gain the trust of the Hospital Director, Pendiah Hemera, and unravel the mysteries of asterite."

It feels a but clunky to me since there's no transition between the two ideas, but I hope it'll give you some new ideas on organizing what you need to say.



I can only hope you're putting this much thought into the dialogue in your comic too ;D

[Kokoro_Densetsu]

Those are some solid ideas! I'll definitely try them out. Thanks for your help.

And yes, we do, haha! Usually dialogue doesn't need quite as many revisions, but it still requires a decent amount of thought on context, the speaker, and what terms would be used in casual speak.

I'm actually taking the day to get back to editing. Even things we went over just a couple months ago, I find myself tweaking. I hope it's for the better and shows we're improving.