Desert Pyrates--Comic Idea/Script--Page 3 is up!

[enchantedsleeper]

x3 Ah, I've had to do that. I can't remember when, but I know I have. You change one little detail and suddenly you have to rewrite whole scenes... damned continuity.

But anyway. I much prefer this version of the scene =D I don't think Alabaster has lost any of his 'pirate'-ness, but I find the situation more believable now.

Do you want me to point out grammar mistakes or are you just looking for less-specific criticism?

[honkastat]

I like the outline - lots of potential. I guess you just have to be carefull with so many characters otherwise it'll get really confusing.

I don't mean to be a pain sweatdrop but what if, instead of Skyler suggesting that she writes Alabaster's bio, Alabaster discovers some writings of hers and then demands it of her. Maybe they throw her in a cell until Alabaster's in the mood, and she scrapes her last thoughts onto the floor with a piece of stone. When they come to collect her, they see the writing and Alabaster gets it into his head that she needs to write his fantastical biog. She agrees because she fears for her life.

If you don't want to rewrite it again I don't blame you. What you have already works fine, I just think the storyline would flow more naturally with something like this. Less dialogue that explains everything, and more action and reaction.

I'd be really interested to see how this progresses. Good luck.

[Emihaumut]

s**t grammar mistakes.... well I'm pretty sure that any I made were intentional.... I hope since i did make a few intentional ones...

Hrmmm, Honkastat actually has a good idea. I may have to change it a bit, since Alabaster's always in the mood wink (kidding), but that may work better and I hope to dear god I don't have to change that much.

[Emihaumut]

More scrpit....

Quote:

[Dawnish and Skyler is at the head of the ship with Alabaster, Asgar, and Euzo behind her.]

Euzo: Alright, the initiation begins now. You are not allowed to eat anything or drink anything from now until we arrive at Kryll. If you eat even a bite of anything, we'll chuck you off the ship. Any questions?

Skyler: [shakes her head]

Asgar: Good. We'll check back when we wake up. [Asgar and Euzo leaves].

Alabaster: Good luck, young writer. I hope you will fare well in the heat of midday without any food or water. Live through it so then you can write the epic of a God. [exit Alabaster]

[Skyler watches the sun rise]

Jocelyn: Ah, so you're the new girl my husband was talking of last night. Tyler, right?

Skyler: It's actually Skyler. And you are?

Jocelyn: Ah, right, I'm Jocelyn and the child behind me is Gavon Jr.

Skyler: I take it that you're Gavon's wife then?

Jocelyn: Yes I am. Isn't he just the sweetest person ever?

Skyler... Sure. Who's that? [points at Fleur]

Jocelyn: Oh that's Fleur, the doctor of the Glass Pandemonium.

[Skyler waves]

Fleur: Good morning. You muzt be Zkyler. [takes out a syringe]

Skyler: Holy crap! What in the sands is that for?

[Fleur stabs Skyler]

Skyler: Ah! s**t! What in the name of gods, woman?!

Fleur: Blood. Zo I can test it later. [exit Fleur]

Jocelyn: Sorry about that; she has a very... blunt method.

Skyler: Ah, s**t [Skyler falls asleep]

[Skyler wakes up later by the high heat]

Oh gods, it's so hot.

[starts taking off some layers of clothing.]

Kasha: Good afternoon. You are Skyler, right? Sauriel told me to give you this. [gives her a crystal necklace]

Skyler: [takes the crystal necklace and puts it on] Oh that feels much better. Thank you. Who are you by the way?

Kasha: I am Kasha. [ears twitch]

Skyler: Cat ears? Are they... real? [grabs one of Kasha's ears]

Kasha: Ah! [pushes Skyler] Ah! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. It’s just-

Skyler: Wow. I never thought I'd see a real tigress here in the desert. I thought your kind only lives in the grasslands.

Kasha: Well, I did, but then Sauriel came to my village and I followed him here to the desert.

Skyler: Who is this Sauriel you speak of?

Kasha: He is my master and the Glass Pandemonium's main Crystaller. I am the apprentice, so I'm still learning how to make crystals and stuff.

Skyler: Did you make this then? [points at her necklace]

Kasha: Ah, no. Sauriel made that one. My crystals don't have enough power to cool the body to safe temperatures in this heat.

Skyler: Well thank you for bringing it to me.

Kasha: You're welcome. I need to get back to work now, so I'll see you again at the feast. Initiation'll be easier if you sleep through it. [exit Kasha]

Skyler: Ah, now that she mentions it, I am getting hungry. Oh well. [goes back to sleep]

Vaeryl: Wake up sleeping beauty.

[Skyler wakes up and sees Vaeryl eating]

Doesn't the sight of food make you hungry? Don't you just want to have a bite of this. Come on, I'll give you some. [offers her food]

[Skyler's stomach rumbles]

Skyler: I am hungry... but no. If I succumb to hunger, I'll get eaten by the wyrms.

Vaeryl: Oh? Are you sure? [waves the food in front of Skyler]

Gavon: Vaeryl, quit it already. You know full well that Alabaster will do anything in his power to keep Skyler here. He is far too interested in seeing his name over and over again on paper.

Vaeryl: ******** that. [Vaeryl grabs Skyler and tries to jam food down her throat.]

Alabaster: Vaeryl. That is quite enough. I am getting sick of this petty jealousy of yours. Just because you are no longer the center of attention from your God doesn't mean that you can kill off the current center.

Vaeryl: I am not jealous. There's no way I'd be jealous of this useless piece of trash. [leaves angrily]

Alabaster: It's not that time of the cycle again is it?

Gavon: I think it is.

Alabaster: Well, Tyler. Don't die now. You still have a story to write. [Alabaster and Gavon leave]

[Emihaumut]

Hrmmm... bumping it up since it fell off the front page and making a mention that there's a third page up now. One that I'll probably redraw another time because the anatomy is off... stare