Cruel Alice ((Updated: 12/10))

[KazeYami]

Cruel Alice
.a horror/mystery story.
.:Updates on Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursday, and Saturday:.

Jaimie Wilson has never had a normal life by most people's standards. His father abandoned his family for unknown reasons when he was very small, but sends money for him that his mentally unstable and abusive mother spends. There are no family pictures on the walls and no albums filled with pictures in his home. His mother takes too many pills and hits him too hard. There are too many things he doesn't know about his childhood. He has too many scars. He's too happy for his home life. He's strange and most people know it.

Soon, the darkness of a past buried will re-emerge hoping to consume Jaimie. Sins and mistakes from his mother's past will bleed up from below the floorboards and begin to drown her youngest son.

[KazeYami]

.websites.

Drunkduck (The comic's website)
Deviantart Page

.pages.

Title Page

Prologue

Descending Into A Dream
Page One
Page Two
Page Three
Page Four
Page Five
Page Six
Page Seven
Page Eight
Page Nine
Page Ten

Chapter One

The Woods
Page Eleven
Page Twelve
Page Thirteen
Page Fourteen
Page Fifteen
Page Sixteen
Page Seventeen
Page Eighteen
Page Nineteen
Page Twenty
Page Twenty-One

Chapter Two

The School
Page Twenty-Two
Page Twenty-Three
Page Twenty-Four
Page Twenty-Five
Page Twenty-Six
(Line Art)
Page Twenty-Seven
Page Twenty-Eight

Fillers

Happy St. Patty's Day '08
Christmas 2008

[KazeYami]

.events/whatevers.

Currently, I'm just asking for pointers on how to improve: how much you liked my comic, what you specifically liked, specifically hated, would have changed.

I value other people's opinions, and I haven't gotten any flames so far. :3 So, I'm looking forward to what you have to say.

[Kaxen]

Needs more backgrounds. Use a ruler for the sides of panels. It says "childred" instead of "children" on the chapter title page.

The beginning, I didn't find particularly engaging. The narration is kind of stating the obvious. Jaimie's name gets introduced like a second after the narration calls him Jaimie, so it's redundant. I mean, how many stories don't involve "life changing forever" ? In addition, I think it would be better to use rectangles instead of bubbles for the narration or something to better differentiate between narration and characters talking if not deleting it altogether.

Your anatomy needs a bit of work also. Like the red winged person's eye on the latest page... it's gigantic...

[KazeYami]

... thanks... oxO'

[Adrian Holster]

Kaze Yami

{Insert your Comics here}

Your story has potential... I'm curious as to what will happen next. 3nodding
All you need is to do is to go back and clean up your work. It can be boring--
repeating the drawing after all the fun times you've had sketching it out--
Yes! Your comic is at the Sketch Stage at the moment. You might want to try
adding some mood tones since the atmosphere is rather morbid. Look into
works by Alan Moore-- typically the comic, "From Hell." If you haven't already,
read into X manga by Clamp as well. Examine how they create morbid tones to each panels.

Good luck! 3nodding

[neko-axe]

you might want to add some "sound effects"(like the sound of a door slammng shut, sound of footseps) it helps create more of a flow to the comic and makes it seem less less a screen shot sequence

i really like whats going on so far, though 3nodding

[KazeYami]

Yep, it has a lot of work to do. And, considering I don't have photoshop. (please, please, please, consider that you will be getting no screen tones from me, my buttons) it makes the first time around kind of bumpy.

And, I hate to say that I probably need to rewrite the beginning before I even get to the end of the first chapter, but I suppose I'll start doing just that. *sighs* Back to the drawing board...

[KazeYami]

I guess I didn't post the notice here, but I'm writing up a prologue and at least revamping the entire beginning and making it it's own chapter, basically. I hope to get more in depth and better plan out the pages and all that. :3

After I get the prologue all finished, I hope to also redo some of the pages in the first chapter. Please bare with me and all that. Here are the new prologue pages:

Prologue Title Page
First Prologue Page
St. Patty's Filer

[neko-axe]

KazeYami

I guess I didn't post the notice here, but I'm writing up a prologue and at least revamping the entire beginning and making it it's own chapter, basically. I hope to get more in depth and better plan out the pages and all that. :3

After I get the prologue all finished, I hope to also redo some of the pages in the first chapter. Please bare with me and all that. Here are the new prologue pages:

Prologue Title Page
First Prologue Page
St. Patty's Filer

these definatly seem more nicely done and are especially eisier to read, great improvements

[KazeYami]

Thank you! Ironic that it's easier to read when I actually write out the words, huh? :'D But, still! I'm glad that is' liked by someone. I like them better too. ;3

Next Prologue Page:
-> here <-

[KazeYami]

I apologize for the long absence, but I'm convince I got better during my break! :3

Here's the two new pages so you can judge for yourself.
Page 3
Page 4

[gothisheep]

first I must say that I love the story^^. but youre asking for pointers, not for that.
Then it'd be that I didn't get how much time passed since everything happened. If it's right what I do think (It all happened within 20 minutes) then... I don't like it xP it makes me feel that you take way to many pages before you would even get over a day.
Plus Jamie is a doll <3, but I do think it gave away a little to much or was a bit to much of a coinsidence that exactly this day the other guy asked if he's holding up with his mom and all.. it must mean he knew about it longer.
Good luck^^

[haruki_jitsunin]

Sounds melodramatic, stereotypical... don't go that way. Use your current story if you must, but spin it in a way people haven't seen before. Don't have his family secret be magical powers.... don't make the family past become completely unrelated to the main character.... meaning, don't make the past bigger than the main character would logically accept... by that I mean, don't make the family past have nothing to do with the main character, while the main character is effected (and actually cares) about the family secret.

[KazeYami]

Agh! I want to post the new pages, but photobucket isn't letting me go to my account. DX ... >.> Maybe I'll just upload it to imageshack? Anyways...

Thank you, Gothi! I'm not quite sure what you're asking me about time and all. >.> Unless you missed the part about how the first chapter was my first attempt at the comic and the prologue is my new revamped pages. :'D

@ Haruki: I don't think it's stereotypical. ;-: I mean, I understand what you're saying. From the perspective of someone who's only reading the few pages I have drawn, you're only getting a taste of the story. And, that story sounds like, "Joe Somebody gets caught up in some huge over the top thingy and then has to take care of it even though it has nothing to do with him."

However, that's not the way it goes. It all ties in to his mother and her need for a fanatical belief. Her switching from one religion to another is what leads her to kill his younger brother, and she's about to repeat it with Jaimie.

>.> Also, there are no magical powers. I'm afraid Jamie is going to have to beat off monsters with lead pipes just like all the rest of us. :3

Nevermind, I figured it out. :3
Page Five
Page Six