Constructive Criticism for my one shoot

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

I wrote this for the JUMP treasure new artist and i wanted to know what i could fix. So please dont just say it sucks or it horrible; i'd like to know why its bad or horrible.

and please dont be to harsh sweatdrop

Link Here:
http://ovan97.deviantart.com/art/Lion-Heart-282 039286

[ninitan]

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

[ninitan]

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

Okay, not everyone knows what Shonen Jump is. Anyway, isn't a contest for artists? Or is it for writers too?

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

Okay, not everyone knows what Shonen Jump is. Anyway, isn't a contest for artists? Or is it for writers too?

Any one who can come up with a story and turn it into a manga. This is only the script that i'm going to give my artist.

[ninitan]

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

Okay, not everyone knows what Shonen Jump is. Anyway, isn't a contest for artists? Or is it for writers too?

Any one who can come up with a story and turn it into a manga. This is only the script that i'm going to give my artist.

But are fan works allowed?

I'm not trying to be a d**k, I'm just trying to understand.

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

Okay, not everyone knows what Shonen Jump is. Anyway, isn't a contest for artists? Or is it for writers too?

Any one who can come up with a story and turn it into a manga. This is only the script that i'm going to give my artist.

But are fan works allowed?

I'm not trying to be a d**k, I'm just trying to understand.

No only original one shots, and it's ok I had a lot of questions too when I first heard bout this contest

[ninitan]

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Sonny_Oji_Primo

ninitan

Um what is the JUMP treasure new artist? A fan fiction contest?

The name pretty much says what it is, it's a contest for new artist who want to be a part of shonen jump.

Okay, not everyone knows what Shonen Jump is. Anyway, isn't a contest for artists? Or is it for writers too?

Any one who can come up with a story and turn it into a manga. This is only the script that i'm going to give my artist.

But are fan works allowed?

I'm not trying to be a d**k, I'm just trying to understand.

No only original one shots, and it's ok I had a lot of questions too when I first heard bout this contest

But isn't Cloud a character from Final Fantasy?

[Niiwa]

ninitan’s right. It’s impossible to see the name “Cloud” and not immediately go “Final Fantasy”, which puts the blame pretty forcibly on you. It’s like naming a character “Gandalf” or a monster “Cthulhu” completely un-ironically or without satire. You just don’t do it.

Also, I am working on a full critique of this, but from the outset, I’ll say it’s not... good.

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

Niiwa

I’ll say it’s not... good.

Can you tell me why it isn't good?

[Zeo]

Is English your first language? The artist relies on what you write for visual direction so being able to write well is absolutely necessary.

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

Zeo

Is English your first language? The artist relies on what you write for visual direction so being able to write well is absolutely necessary.

No English isn't my 1st language, and when u say "artist relies on what you write\" do mean be able to describe the action? If that's what you mean it's ok cause I like to give the artist a lot of freedom,plus I work with my artist directly. So I just describe everything to him in person.


What I'm asking is the story in general good? My artist seemed to like it but I'd like some outside opinions.

[Zeo]

I honestly couldn't get into the story so I won't comment much on that.

I was under the impression that you were submitting this written piece to the contest and, if selected, it would be given to an artist of their choosing, not yours. I don't know about this particular contest but if you are just entering as a writer that is how I thought it worked. In that case, you'd need to be as clear as possible so that whoever is working with it knows what you're intending.

Since English isn't your first language and the script you've shared is rather poorly structured and grammatically flawed, I would focus on getting that in order first. Find an editor to fix things up or work on your English skills. Again, I don't know if you are planning on submitting the script itself or a finished comic to the contest (if you are sending a whole comic, it would be far more helpful to us and to you to post that instead of just the script). If it's just the script, you have a lot of work to do.

The language was a bit of a barrier for me, but right off the bat I found little to be engaged with. It seems like a standard regurgitation of action comic elements with little else going on. It's clear you have an interest in action comics, but what do you feel this particular story is adding to the genre?

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

Zeo

I honestly couldn't get into the story so I won't comment much on that.

I was under the impression that you were submitting this written piece to the contest and, if selected, it would be given to an artist of their choosing, not yours. I don't know about this particular contest but if you are just entering as a writer that is how I thought it worked. In that case, you'd need to be as clear as possible so that whoever is working with it knows what you're intending.

Since English isn't your first language and the script you've shared is rather poorly structured and grammatically flawed, I would focus on getting that in order first. Find an editor to fix things up or work on your English skills. Again, I don't know if you are planning on submitting the script itself or a finished comic to the contest (if you are sending a whole comic, it would be far more helpful to us and to you to post that instead of just the script). If it's just the script, you have a lot of work to do.

The language was a bit of a barrier for me, but right off the bat I found little to be engaged with. It seems like a standard regurgitation of action comic elements with little else going on. It's clear you have an interest in action comics, but what do you feel this particular story is adding to the genre?

Ok I know it's really generic but that's cause I knew it could win. I've looked over past winners and they where generic too.So what I want to do is win, get into shonen jump, then write what I want.

Honestly I'm not the biggest fan of the generic stuff they have like Naruto, Bleach, and One Piece. I'm more of a fan of they're complex manga like Rurouni Kenshin, Death Note, and Enigma.

So I hope you get it.Write what they like 1st,then write what I like later.

I know it sounds kinda pathetic. sweatdrop

[Sonny_Oji_Primo]

Zeo

I honestly couldn't get into the story so I won't comment much on that.

I was under the impression that you were submitting this written piece to the contest and, if selected, it would be given to an artist of their choosing, not yours. I don't know about this particular contest but if you are just entering as a writer that is how I thought it worked. In that case, you'd need to be as clear as possible so that whoever is working with it knows what you're intending.

Since English isn't your first language and the script you've shared is rather poorly structured and grammatically flawed, I would focus on getting that in order first. Find an editor to fix things up or work on your English skills. Again, I don't know if you are planning on submitting the script itself or a finished comic to the contest (if you are sending a whole comic, it would be far more helpful to us and to you to post that instead of just the script). If it's just the script, you have a lot of work to do.

The language was a bit of a barrier for me, but right off the bat I found little to be engaged with. It seems like a standard regurgitation of action comic elements with little else going on. It's clear you have an interest in action comics, but what do you feel this particular story is adding to the genre?

Here's a thread I made awhile ago ask what people thought of a manga idea.
it's not really complex but a lot more unique:
http://www.gaiaonline.com/forum/comic-creators/what-do-you-think-of-this-idea/t.75445781/?_gaia_t_=3934