Comment on my lame comic strip plox! [Before And After]

[Chinko-chan]

Well I can see you used a ruler (or some sort of thing with a straight edge) So yay step in the right direction!

Advicetime!: If you write your script out panel by panel you can steam line it so it sounds better!

Panel 1:
Cashier: I thought I told you to leave
Kid: But I want to stay.

Panel 2:
Cashier: Get out before I rip your heart out
Kid: Okay time to go
(kid leaves)

That dialogue is kinda weak sauce but now that I can see it written out I can change it so that it's got spice.

Panel 1:
Cashier: Scram Kid!
Kid: Let me stay!

Panel 2:
Cashier: Get out before I rip your spleen out.
Kid: Okie dokie time to go.

This dialogue to me seems more interesting. Also, writing it out will help me catch spelling errors and rarely grammatical errors. (because I suffer from an affliction called Grammar FAIL.)

If you're not going to budge on the quality of art lets see if we can make the dialogue more interesting.

[parkinglot90]

mm hmm interesting i hadnt really thought of changing my original plan, and i know my dialouge sounds lame but it is kind of where i am aiming tbh but i admit i could use more funny lame dialouge. (i am terrible at spelling things)

[Mr McGrumpypants]

So you aim to have shitty writing AND shitty art regardless of what we say. That's wonderful. It's also why you're terrible.

Being shitty on purpose does not make it clever or funny.

[parkinglot90]

Ok then here is my before and after of At Harry's house #4.
Comment PLOX!

[utopiansky]

Mr McGrumpypants

So you aim to have shitty writing AND shitty art regardless of what we say. That's wonderful. It's also why you're terrible.

Being shitty on purpose does not make it clever or funny.

how interesting, being condescending does not make you a good critic either. hmm

[Mr McGrumpypants]

utopiansky

how interesting, being condescending does not make you a good critic either. hmm

You suggest I take him seriously when he's already said that he doesn't intend to put serious effort into improving either his art or his writing?

[parkinglot90]

i diddnt say that at all. i am trying both even though to you it dosent seem like it since you dont care to look.
plus since when is a comic, no matter how lame, supposed to be sereous?

[Kupocake]

parkinglot90

plus since when is a comic, no matter how lame, supposed to be sereous?

You just made Scott McCloud cry. I hope you're proud.

[Mr McGrumpypants]

parkinglot90

i diddnt say that at all. i am trying both even though to you it dosent seem like it since you dont care to look.
plus since when is a comic, no matter how lame, supposed to be sereous?

I've looked. I just don't find your writing funny. There is no real joke to be had. At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite, just because you say something is a joke does not make it funny. It also doesn't help that you're messily drawing stick figures with hand-lettering on lined paper with bare minimum paneling. You are NOT putting serious effort into this.

You also apparently have not read a comic book. It's the only explanation for making such a ridiculous and moronic statement as suggesting that comics shouldn't be treated seriously.

[Chinko-chan]

Well, I can see you tried and some of the dialogue is more interesting. I think you just need more practice.

Todays tip: Actually this is going to be a multitip day because I feel like sharing.
Your character lacks explaination for their actions. Im not really sure why he is just going around stabbing people. Also continuity it is your friend, I know it's bothersome but if you draw a lamp in one panel you shouldnt avoid drawing it again in the next panel just because you're tired of drawing lamps.

Your character has a face (infact that's just about all he has) so you should really practice and work on facial expressions. It'll really give your character personality and assist in the tone of the dialogue.

I really wanted to talk about pacing, in this tip but I got carried away. You are the god of your comic. You can control everything to reader sees and also the way they are reading the dialogue. Use that to your advantage to create mood and control the beat of your comic.

For example this is what you had:



All the dialogue is mushed together, and your character is just randomly saying something to the globe without cause.
Here's how I streamlined it: (apologies paint is all I had to work with and i couldn't figure out how to center the dialogue)



So the break down!
Panel 1: I tossed the lamp because you work with minimum backgrounds and the lap is not important. Instead I brought in the globe which IS important. I also have the character looking at the globe since in my next panel the character is going to interact with the globe. I streamlined the dialogue so it seemed a little more natural and was easier to read. Then I used ellipses to slow... the reader... down. It made the character seem distracted by something.

Panel 2: Facial expressions! You dont have alot to work with character wise so flaunt what you got. I changed "I hate you." to "Im on to you." because it makes the character seem more suspicious and crazy, that way when he randomly stabs someone atleast there's a sliver of reason behind it. I made a drippy-fancy word bubble because I think it conveys tone better. Some people dont particularly care for them because they seem distracting so that's a matter of preference.

Panel 3: The globe is still with us, this time the character is beating the crap out of it further enforcing that he is crazy. I changed up the dialogue a bit more to seem more natural.

If this were my comic I would probally go through a few more revisions before putting out the final comic.

[parkinglot90]

The reason i don't make a big deal out of the things that he does that are psychotic is because i like random acts of violence. Plus his random hate for the world just seemed like what i wanted.

Also, i tried to make it look like he was pacing his house but i ddnt do any effects to show that besides the scenery changing.

Anyways, yeah i should work more on the facial expressions i suppose.

And i will go into his crazyness further into the series wich is unfortunate to mr.mcgrumpypants if he chooses to stay here on my thread :p

Also, what is a site i can use to store my images and photoshop them up a bit?

[A BAD CASE OF HERPES]

jesus christ this is ******** awful. how can you look at one of these pages and say "oh yes this is perfect, i will post it on the internet"?

[parkinglot90]

A BAD CASE OF HERPES

jesus christ this is ******** awful. how can you look at one of these pages and say "oh yes this is perfect, i will post it on the internet"?

its not like im drawing a manga and posting it.
Plus this comic strip appeals to my taste.(i dont care if you think its bad)
if you dont like it dont read it if you dont have productive input.
by the way i found an interesting article on comedy. check it out if you like.

[A BAD CASE OF HERPES]

parkinglot90

Plus this comic strip appeals to my taste.(i dont care if you think its bad)

if you don't care what others think, why is the thread title "comment on my lame comic strip plox"

doesn't that sort of imply that you care

[BunnyCupCakes]

I honestly think these are the types of comics you keep to yourself.

Or for your friends and family to see.
Not the internet, no offense.

Unless you're that bored to post it here.