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The Drunken Jester's avatar

Tipsy Man-Lover

I don't have a scanner, so really it's just a bad quality picture. But I wanted to show it off.
It's just the first page, so the story isn't going to make a lot of sense, if you can read it at all.
But tell me what you think of the art and stuff?

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Kyousouka's avatar

Shadowy Phantom

I can't read the text so I can't comment on the story, but hopefully I can still give useful feedback on the art and panelling.

(FYI: Most image editing programs can raise the contrast on an image. I recommend doing that here, it would make the art here easier to see even though the source photo isn't good.)

You have a variety of shots, which is great. You seem to be aware of the panel size - importance correlation, but I can't tell since I can't read the text.

I'm not fond of the three-face panel at the bottom. If they're meant to be reacting to what the purple-haired girl says, then you should position your speech bubble differently, or move the reactions to a different panel. As it is now, it looks at first glance like the talking and the faces are happening at the same time, not as an action-reaction sequence.

If the "chibi labor" thing is your central plot conflict/idea, you did a great job of establishing it. It's a "cheap" way, but it works very effectively in this context. Assuming the last panel is reaction shots, then you've also done a good job establishing the characters' stances on the issue, which is impressive for a first page. Hopefully, the details of their opinions will be explored in the forthcoming pages.

I do not know what sort of comic this is meant to be, but I think for an opening page, this is rather boring. We have no sense of space and place here. Usually, when you have a "claustrophobic" opening like this, where you get right down to the characters and their issues instead of showing the setting, you need a strong personality or an exciting conflict to catch the reader's attention, but there's nothing like that here.
Of course, most readers will give long-form/narrative comics more than just one page to grab their attention, so you still have time.

Are there both chibis and non-chibis here? It looks like the purple-ponytail girl is tall while everyone else is short, but I can't tell if that's intentional or not. If you're going to make a comic about chibis and non-chibis as distinct groups, then make them visually distinct through more than just height. Change the body proportions and facial proportions.


And of course: obligatory "work on your anatomy." You're relying a lot on symbols for facial features and don't seem to have a good grasp on how they work, ditto for other parts of the body. If you put the work in to understand how bodies work, you'll have an easier time drawing them, and using them to express your story.
The Drunken Jester's avatar

Tipsy Man-Lover

Kyousouka
I can't read the text so I can't comment on the story, but hopefully I can still give useful feedback on the art and panelling.

(FYI: Most image editing programs can raise the contrast on an image. I recommend doing that here, it would make the art here easier to see even though the source photo isn't good.)

You have a variety of shots, which is great. You seem to be aware of the panel size - importance correlation, but I can't tell since I can't read the text.

I'm not fond of the three-face panel at the bottom. If they're meant to be reacting to what the purple-haired girl says, then you should position your speech bubble differently, or move the reactions to a different panel. As it is now, it looks at first glance like the talking and the faces are happening at the same time, not as an action-reaction sequence.

If the "chibi labor" thing is your central plot conflict/idea, you did a great job of establishing it. It's a "cheap" way, but it works very effectively in this context. Assuming the last panel is reaction shots, then you've also done a good job establishing the characters' stances on the issue, which is impressive for a first page. Hopefully, the details of their opinions will be explored in the forthcoming pages.

I do not know what sort of comic this is meant to be, but I think for an opening page, this is rather boring. We have no sense of space and place here. Usually, when you have a "claustrophobic" opening like this, where you get right down to the characters and their issues instead of showing the setting, you need a strong personality or an exciting conflict to catch the reader's attention, but there's nothing like that here.
Of course, most readers will give long-form/narrative comics more than just one page to grab their attention, so you still have time.

Are there both chibis and non-chibis here? It looks like the purple-ponytail girl is tall while everyone else is short, but I can't tell if that's intentional or not. If you're going to make a comic about chibis and non-chibis as distinct groups, then make them visually distinct through more than just height. Change the body proportions and facial proportions.


And of course: obligatory "work on your anatomy." You're relying a lot on symbols for facial features and don't seem to have a good grasp on how they work, ditto for other parts of the body. If you put the work in to understand how bodies work, you'll have an easier time drawing them, and using them to express your story.


The three face panel at the bottom and the weird speech bubbles are probably a product of 1) I am terrible with speech bubbles and 2) I was trying to jam too much into one page. I probably could've found a filler panel to put in there and done that on page two.
The purple haired girl is not actually very tall. She's just on the pink haired girls shoulders. Page two makes that a little clearer though.
Character height references. That might help. Also Chibi Female and Male.
The pink haired girl is the only full human (barring the crowd and etc...) I tried to differentiate the facial proportions. But you're quite right, I do need quite a lot of work in that area. When I'm drawing just one person on their own I can usually do it. But this is my first real attempt at putting them in the comic.
II Blushing Rose II's avatar

Gracious Flatterer

So are we going to get to see the next page or...? I'd like to see where this is going. smile
The Drunken Jester's avatar

Tipsy Man-Lover

The Masked Rose
So are we going to get to see the next page or...? I'd like to see where this is going. smile


uhh... I guess so. I have a few more pages but I'm not finished with coloring them yet. Maybe in a couple days I'll post them.

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