Welcome to Gaia! ::

CircuitGirl's avatar

5,200 Points
  • Hygienic 200
  • Cart Raider 100
  • Citizen 200
000000000000
Nope.

Personal bias time- I cannot read not one more "Alice and Wonderland" inspired story. I think it's trite and 9/10 the person has not read the actual book- making their work based on the film, which is not bad in and of itself, but bad when they just take the cartoon and make it "mature" and "adult". So i'm not your best audience for this, and I thought it wouldn't be fair if I didn't at least mention that.

Now for the things I found problematic about your comic specifically. There are not many pages so far, but already I am not interested in light of the character bios. Maybe you'll do something awesome and fantastic with the love triangle that includes the childhood best friend, but I don't care to stick around.

I understand that this may be unfair in light of the fact that you have three pages and not a completed work, but i'm usually turned off when a story opens with an exposition dump. What have you told us in these pages that could not have been taken care of as the story goes along? Starting in the midst of whatever she did to screw up her life is a lot more compelling as we don't know her enough to care about her stroll down memory lane.

Had you instead shown her interacting in her every day life for contrast then led us to "and here's where I screwed the pooch" that would be fine as well. The point is that at this stage in the story, dumping information on the reader is a bad idea, since you haven't hooked them yet. Don't tell me how totally awesome their friendship is, show me.

The header is way too big. I come for a comic. I don't want a big distracting header up top so that I must scroll down every time.

I have no problem with sexyness or fanservice in limited doses, but I'm just trying to figure out why I've seen your main character in a naked pin up pose before she's even been properly introduced? Because to me, it seems like you are hoping the fanservice gathers readers- and it will, just understand that that is a double edged sword. if you get them in because they think they are getting cheesecake shots of your characters, they will actually expect said cheesecake.

I'm not going to lie, i'm a little skeeved out when you open with pages of your obvious underaged protag doing kiddie s**t and then I have to be constantly seeing that header. I know she's supposed to be eighteen, but she looks younger than that, and with all of the "sexy" pictures it looks more like she's a product you're trying to sell and not a character. An artist who doesn't seem to trust me to care about the story without that sort of heavy pandering sends some pretty big red flags for me.
Sorry, it's too early to give any feedback on this story. Some issues with the art are apparent after only three pages though.

- Everyone has the same face. Colin and Vince practically even have the same hair. The only thing that gives adult Alice a unique face is that she wears make up. Try to vary the actual shape of their heads (does this person have a curvy face or an angular face, etc etc) as well as varying the shape and placement of the features on the face.

- Backgrounds need some work. Your perspective is off in a bunch of ways that ruin the effect and blurring the background just looks lazy. I think the solution here is to work more on perspective rather than blurring. What's not working in the perspective drawings is that often you have too many vanishing points set up. For example, the items in the windows on the first page connect to different vanishing points than the house itself does. This seems like a small detail, but with perspective it is this kind of thing that ruins the drawing.

Quick Reply

Submit
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get Items
Get Gaia Cash
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games