Itâs not âslut-shamingâ, itâs woman hating
By Meghan Murphy
We, in feminist land, like very much to encourage folks (particularly media-type folks, as they have a pretty significant role in framing discourse) to use correct language. Or, at very least, language that describes something real. In my last post, for example, I talked about the fact that many mainstream news sources reported on the murder of Kasandra Perkins without ever using the words âviolence against womenâ or even âdomestic abuseâ. Feminists know that naming the act and the perpetrator is important lest systemic inequity and the fact that we live in a sexist society disappear into the ether. Itâs hard to address misogyny if we refuse to acknowledge that it exists and shapes our lives. Language matters.
As such, I would like to address a newfangled term that has mushroomed in popularity like an idiot weed due to funny fun-times Slutwalk and other âWE DO WHAT WE WANT ******** YEAHâ feminismish happenings. That term is âslut-shamingâ.
I implore you, friends of feminism, language and logic â Stop saying âslut-shamingâ. It doesnât mean anything. Itâs misleading. And it makes you all sound ridiculous.
Now, before you start explaining to me why slut-shaming is actually a real thing, allow me to stop you. I understand what it is you are trying to get at. I myself have experienced this âshamingâ many a time. I know all too well about the double-standard that wonât die. The one that makes promiscuous women âslutsâ and promiscuous men into âpimpsâ. (Get it, boys? Being a âpimpâ is a good thing.) And you donât even have to be âpromiscuousâ, whatever that means. Itâs a thin line, for women, between love and hate. One minute youâre revered, youâre beautiful and precious and desirable andandandâŚ. the next, youâre in the gutter. Women lose their sheen quickly. Thatâs what happens with commodities. Youâre worth is in the hands of a fickle and punitive market.
Like you, I am sick as ******** of being treated like s**t while men brag and boast about their âconquestsâ, shaming the very women who trusted them for doing just that: trusting. Silly girl. Trust is for amateurs. Youâll get your comeuppance.
Yes. I agree that this is bullshit.
Being called a slut is painful. It sticks with you. I know.
Even now, as a bone fide adult, when I should really not have to deal with this crap, I still do. I still feel thereâs an expectation that I play the chaste game. That, while men can pretty much act on any impulse, I will be judged for my behaviour. Masquerading as a classy lady is work. I do my best, but the end I usually just do what I want. What other people want obviously has less bearing on my choices than what I want. If that werenât the case Iâd likely have some kind of stable job, a better credit rating and a practical degree. Regardless of my stubborn hedonism, somewhere in the back of my mind there is always a tiny voice yelling âSLUT!â Residual trauma Iâm guessing.
So please, spare me the lecture on the sexual double standard. Iâve lived it and been punished by it for half my life. By men and women alike.
Yet still I cringe every time I hear someone talking about âslut-shamingâ. As such, Iâve compiled a list of reasons that describe why I feel this term is stupid and should go away forever:
1) Thereâs no such thing as a slut. Can we please stop pretending there is? âSlutâ is a word used to shame and silence and attack women. It is only a real thing to misogynists who use language to hurt women.
2) The solution to the sexual double standard that shames women for having casual sex, being promiscuous, enjoying sex, having female bodies, leaving the house, whatever, is not, as a very smart lady on Twitter put it recently, to âturn âslutsâ into a special-interest groupâ. You see, there is no such thing as a âslutâ or a ânon-slutâ. There are women. This whole âslut-prideâ thing and terms like âslut-shamingâ reinforce the very dichotomies feminism works to destroy. Us vs. them. Good girls vs. bad girls. Reinforcing the idea that some women are âslutsâ and that âsluttishnessâ is attached to female sexuality (i.e. that whole â now âslutâ means a âwoman who likes sexâ crap) is not useful in terms of defining our own lives and sexualities. Like sex, donât like sex, whatever. You arenât a âslutâ either way. Youâre a woman.
3) ERGO. âSlut-shamingâ isnât about shaming âslutsâ. Itâs about misogyny. Itâs about shutting women down. Itâs about hating women. Itâs about silencing. You can be labelled a âslutâ regardless of whether or not you have or like sex. Whether youâve had one partner or fifty. Itâs doesnât matter. Just like women get called bitches regardless of their behaviour. Do we go around telling people not to âb***h-shameâ us? No, we say that men who call women bitches are sexist assholes who donât like it when women speak (read: exist).
4) No matter how hard you try to take back âslutâ, people will still use it to s**t on you. And it still wonât feel good. Just because youâve painted âslutâ across your chest and proudly tromped down the street in fishnets doesnât mean that assholes across the continent are going to stop using sexist language. A lot of people like to make comparisons around âtaking backâ the word âslutâ to the n-word. But as we all know, racists still use this word in a racist way. Because they are racist and because racism is a thing that still exists in our world. You can pretend that, in the last year, âslutâ has been taken back to mean âawesome-fun-times-sexy-ladyâ, but itâs not true.
5) Half of the time people talk about being âslut-shamedâ or witnessing âslut-shamingâ, itâs about clothes. Not sex. Someone thought you or your buddy was dressed âlike a slutâ. Your response was to say that, apparently, some âslut-shamingâ happened. But Iâm confused now. Which is it? Is it that women who âlike sexâ are being shamed? Or is it that women who wear push-up bras are being shamed? Because, for the record, wearing âsluttyâ clothes has nothing to do with liking sex or not liking sex.
The point Iâm trying to get across here is that this language is confusing and, rather than take apart virgin/whore, good girl/bad girl dichotomies and rather than address the root of the âslutâ language (which is misogyny), âslut-shamingâ skirts around these things.
Not only that but the supposed reclamation of this language has served to reverse these dichotomies in a decidedly unhelpful way. So now, the âgood girlâ is no longer the prude. She is the girl who like to have tons of sex (with dudes). Sheâs liberated. This is awesome for patriarchy because it provides more soldiers in the âfeminists are prudes who hate sexâ army. It means that women who donât like sex (with men, in particular) donât have valid opinions. Because theyâre just maaaad. (Or they have their periods or something. Who really knows.) This phenomenon is also referred to as âcompulsory sexualityâ.
So Salon published a whole article the other day about a study that shows âthe sexual double standard is alive and well and still influencing womenâs everyday behavior.â Well, ******** duh. Any woman who exists in this world is well ******** aware that sheâs always on the verge of being called a slut or a b***h or a c**t or a whore. Because thatâs just not something thatâs avoidable in our culture. If you turn down a date you might get called a b***h. If you have sex on a first date you might get called a slut. If you get in a fight with your boyfriend because heâs a dickbag, you might get called a whore. Iâve been called a slut for not having sex with someone I did not want to have sex with. So go figure. Either way, women lose. Your being called a b***h or a c**t or a slut or a whore has nothing to do with you actually being any of these things. Frustratingly, the article was entitled: âStudy: âSlut-shamingâ wonât go awayâ.
Regardless of the problematic headline, the study highlighted is a good study. The research was lead by Terri Conley who we like very much here at Feminist Current because she busts crap-o evolutionary psychology myths that try to justify sexist stereotypes about male and female behaviour Ă la âMen love sex with everybody all the time! Women hate sex and also want to make babies all the time!â variety. In this new study, Backlash From the Bedroom, the researchers find that:
âŚunder the right circumstancesâthat is, when the experience promises to be safe and pleasantâwomen are just as likely as men to engage in casual sex.
Key words: safe and pleasant. Itâs more difficult for women to have casual sex, not because they, as a universal group, necessarily donât desire it, but because women live in a world that is neither safe or particularly âpleasant.â Iâm not saying that if we lived in an equitable society free of sexism and the threat of violence all women would be having casual sex all the time, but I am saying that what we need to understand about men and women and sex is that universalizing based on solely on evolutionary psychology that ignores cultural and social contexts is dumb.
Conley and her colleagues also found that:
Women who accepted a casual sex offer were viewed as more promiscuous, less intelligent, less mentally healthy, less competent, and more risky than men who accepted the same offer,
And indeed! This is a true thing. Because of sexism. Calling women âslutsâ is about controlling women.
I mean, lets break this down. Say you engage in consensual sex with some dude. Afterwards, say he feels good and you feel bad. What the hell, right? It felt good at the time, yeah? Often, this man is the one that makes you feel bad. Often he does this on purpose. What the ********? Why should you feel bad about engaging in consensual sex with a person you were attracted to? Well, for one, because dudes can be ******** assholes. For two, patriarchy doesnât want women to feel good about themselves. Feeling bad means boob jobs and Girls Gone Wild and faking orgasms. Feeling bad means trying to please men above all else. It means youâll keep reaching for this thing you can never have. Because pleasing men will never give you real power.
Patriarchy thrives on womenâs insecurities.
Hate yourself, patriarchy says. Do it. Do it because the man who sleeps with you and then turns around and makes you feel like a worthless, insignificant, scummy, piece of s**t subhuman because his ego needs that in order to survive â he hates you.
Have you ever had sex with someone to punish them? I havenât. But I sure have been ******** as punishment.
This isnât âslut-shamingâ. ******** that noise. Itâs woman hating.