Note: Essay needs updating, too lazy.
SO. For those people that are either very curious, nosy, or just bored as hell for whatever reason, I'm about to write a very detailed description about myself. I feel that I need something to reference to when I'm feeling doubtful about my own choices.
As most people who talk to me by now should know, I'm a very opinionated person who contradicts himself on a lot of subjects. First off, when you are caught in an argument with me, it's not because I hate you. I guess I have the mindset of a debater, although I can assure you that I have never been on a debate team in my entire life. (And I hope never to be, because after all, public speaking is the number one fear of American society, death comes second.) Simply, when I find a subject to argue with someone else who has opposite views on, it's interesting for me in a way, to finish the argument. I feel as if a game has been set off by the finding of a controversial issue. Whether there is an outcome to the argument that provides any enlightenment or change of heart, could not matter to me. Once my mind is set on an opinion, it stays there. At least, for the most part, I hope my heart is not one that waivers too often.
Second off, I would like to let you know my opinions on a less serious issue. That is, the way people communicate. To put things simply, I can't stand rudeness from strangers. That is why Americans invent formalities, along with other countries, no matter how different those customs may be. We're on the internet, my friend. Yes, that's true, but the internet consists of real people. It does not matter if you may never meet these people in real life, or see them in the flesh, but they do exist. I exist, and you exist, no matter how surreal that may be when you only see text on a page through instant messaging or forums. Because of that fact, and that we do not deny that the people we talk to online are real, I expect you to act real. I do not lie to myself on the fact that many people online lie about themselves, but there is a limit to it. A person who is truly venomous can not, to a certain extent, fake kindness. A truly greedy person cannot fake selflessness through donating because they are greedy at heart. It doesn't matter how good an actor they are. We watch too many movies, there is a limit to human facade. It does not matter if one lies about a small fact if they show the rest of themselves truly visibly in the public light. (Then again, that may simply be an opinion risen from the personal protection of my own mentality.) To put it on even simpler terms, do not act like you know me, if you obviously don't. After reading this entire "essay" about my opinions and views however, you can ascertain that most of it contributes to my being. Therefore, you can say you know me.
My views on controversial issues? I believe that being gay comes from rebellion due to the stifling of the word, or it comes from our deepest roots that were not allowed to be known public formerly simply because every single person who has been gay in the past has kept it to themselves. It is not something serious. There will always be those that continue to be heterosexual, so the human race will not die out. Of course, there is always this state of mind in me that wants me to think there is a conspiracy to destroy many humans at once. We do overpopulate the world, and I'm wondering if nature has more to it than just plants and animals. Perhaps, if nature is more powerful than we think, the diseases (Aids, Mad Cow Disease, Polio), all those epidemics, have been created through a grand plan. There may even be a God, although I use the term loosely. Now, even though I may state these grand design plans and my wonder in them, I do not follow them in the least in my every day life. I'm just a kid who is too lazy to go to school, who enjoys playing online games, and wishes there was more time in the day in which we needn't sleep and could play until early dawn.
Abortion and affirmative action. I can't say these affect me, but the views I have on them may reflect the way I was raised, essentially showing a vital part of me. Abortion I believe, should be legal, but there should be a limit on the amount of human lives being killed. Yes, they could have the baby and put it up for adoption later, but what about the 9 months of a woman's life given up for the wellbeing of a fetus? If you are going to use the argument, "that baby may grow up to be a president," you may as well keep having babies until one becomes president. There will always be "maybe," but you should concentrate on the importance of one's life now.
Affirmative action is something I strongly disagree against, for many reasons. I will not go into too much detail because it does not have much to do with me, but there is no reason that a Mexican can not get into Harvard and completely disregard his or her race. I mean, seriously, if we completely ignore ethnicity or gender on the college application, many people's lives would be better off. Those that get into high colleges through affirmative action only suffer anyway, because they may eventually drop out (as most do) because of the intensity of the program. I know this firsthand, because I got into Honors English and regretted wasting a year of my life in which I could have gotten a better grade in a normal English course.
I hope that people can see themselves in a clear light. I can't say that I see myself in a clear light, but I understand that it is vastly important to know yourself. That way, when you present yourself to other people, they get the same message that you are trying to relay. Once again, communication is indispensable. I can't stress the importance that other humans have on you. When, through my childhood and even up to now, I must live with my dad whom everyone knows I hate, I feel as if I am stuck. It doesn't bring me any joy, and it does not matter if he is my dad. I don't enjoy his company. Find people you enjoy being with, and be tough about it. If you had a friend that you don't enjoy being around, no matter how long you have known him or her, it will not help you in any way to force contact. Find better friends, people who share the same views as you. Find friends that know what to do when you start crying, and they know why you're crying, no matter how small it may be. Find friends, even, that disagree with you so that you don't always walk around with an airheaded flair. Communication is important.
Throughout the last paragraph, I felt I was teaching the reader a lesson. I apologize, because this is not my goal. My goal is to write a very long essay about myself simply because I want to set a standard for how I act. Maybe I may even look at this in the future and see how bad my grammar was, or how much mistakes I made in my opinions and had not noticed. Honestly, I hope that my opinions do not change. Do you not find it frightening, that maybe 3 years from now, you may disagree with the kind of person you were before? My goal is to have no regrets. It is simple and can be summed up in one sentence, but can be expanded to many novels. I disagree with the way the world is set up; the way America is set up. I'm not a rebellious person, but on the other hand, I don't agree with everything that happens. I understand the need for government, for our "birth, education, work, retirement, death" ritual, and the need for order, but I wish it could be done in a different way. Perhaps there is a way for more individualistic persons to live life other than the way it was orchestrated. Dear God, I really hope so. I have only recently discussed this with Azuriano, but I really hope that in the near future, we may be able to support ourselves while traveling, not for business, but for experience. Do not just grow up in a small town in your state, and never see the world. There is more to life than to be a secretary for some boss for 30 years and retire. You will regret it as you lay on your death bed, whether from disease, accident, or natural death. (in which, I would like to add that the 1st and 3rd of that list are the most frightening ways to die.)
My views on religion are simple. I'm atheist, and that is how I would label myself. Of course, there are many types of the religion of being atheist. I want there to be a God. I hope and dream and wish that there may be a God, so that life is not all on accident and unplanned out. I'm an organized person. If the God exists, however, such as if some greater power existed lest that power not be in humanoid form, there must be evil accompanying it. Maybe there is not, but it seems to be set in the human mind that with good, there is evil to contrast it. White cannot exist without black, and the opposite is true. That is why I almost fear the existence of a God, because if we are going to have a heaven and be saved, then there must also be a hell for those that are unfortunate enough to never reach the heaven. Perhaps it is easier to simply die and be erased from existence after death, but the thought of that is even scarier, or just as scary, as a hell.
I have an irrational fear of death, so you can say I have necrophobia. The fear results in many of the common things, in the fact that we don't want to die because we lose control, we fear what comes after death, etc. We all know this, and yet we place such little importance on a person's life that it is extraordinary. (in all the worst ways possible.) When it comes down to it, there are billions of universes. Each exists in the separate person, and how we perceive it. I have my universe, you have yours. As a person dies, a universe dies. When you see it that way, a death is pretty important, wouldn't you say? Well that's the truth of it, but it is something most of us do not conceive in our everyday lives. In fact, even I do not conceive it. I do not think twice as a character I play as in my game dies multiple times is resurrected. Hardly any of us do, even if it is for the real thing. The difference is that we're not coming back. Imagine if you played a game in which you could never play again if your character died once.
I do not believe in resurrection, although I really hope I am wrong. It could be nothing better for me to be resurrected and remember my past life, because I value my opinions very much. (If not, I would not have taken the time to write this, even though I am in danger of developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.) I do not joke about this matter. There have been clues or hints that resurrection exists, although it may simply be because of an ignorant mindset. We hope that resurrection exists so that we may not fear death, but if such a hope is created from fear, how much authenticity can we place on that belief? Humans created the words, "resurrection, death, God, and hope." We also created the words, respectively, "false hope, erasure of existence, Satan, and despair."
Do not talk about something you have no experience in. Knowledge is important, but please have the experience yourself. You may think that your opinion is set, but after an event, your opinion may change. (Though I have said before that a change in opinion is drastically frightening for me.) I cannot stand people that give suggestions on a subject they have no experience in. They are onlookers, people in the stadiums and not the actual football players who worked so hard through pain and sweat to get where they are. A football player and a person in the front row may be less a few feet apart (I say a few because I have no experience in attending a football game), but they are divided by a lifetime of different experiences. You may think that your boss is doing something wrong in the way he runs his company, but if you ran it, you would think differently. Maybe it is because he really is doing something wrong, or maybe it is just because his personality is really different from yours, but most likely it is because you do not understand that once you are in a field for so long, you tend to already have learned from many mistakes. Do not give me any suggestions. Do not try to teach me, unless you are a professional in whatever you are trying to teach me. Do not teach me, unless you are sure that your syllabus has no flaws, and that your grading style is perfected. I expect real private tutoring, not a careless suggestion that you feel it is important for you to relay. It is a waste of your breath, and a waste of my mind capacity.
I write plenty. I draw plenty. Yet, when someone asks me, "Do you enjoy drawing? Do you enjoy writing?" I tell them simply, no. I hate writing, and I hate drawing. Why is this? I do not understand it myself, but I suppose I feel frustrated that drawing and writing do not give me enough satisfaction and purpose. They aren't perfect. When I write, I have writing blocks, and when I draw, I have artist blocks. Sometimes, I know what I want to write or draw, but I can't express it perfectly in words or pictures. That in itself is frustrating. I lose communication with whoever reads my writing or whoever views my art. I wish I could relay what is truly going on in my mind in a way that you feel the emotions yourself. Of course, that is the barrier between most people. When I brought up my hate for writing and art, however, it was not in order to express the difficulty of communicating again. I want to relay to you that even the things we enjoy most are not perfect. At times, you may hate it. I love living, but I can't say that I love the poverty, violence, prostitution, and thousands of crude jokes circling the globe. I love life. That's why I fear death. I hate life. That's why I don't always smile.
Looking back now, this may be the most passionate essay I have ever written, and what do you know? It is about the self. Anyone who does not shun themselves with themselves should be able to write such a small amount about their own beliefs. Even so, this is not the least of my worries, fears, problems, hopes, dreams, or future. Even now, I feel as if time is slipping away from me, and that I fail to live in the present. It is not repetitive foolishness that adults continue to tell you to live in the moment. I am only 16 as I write this, and as I feel the age of 17 approaching near October, the fear of growing up is very real. Live in the moment, the true moment. Don't space out.
Eventually, I may add more to this once I realize something amazing, with just a hint of sarcasm.
If you have read this entire essay, and the updates, please let me know.
If you agree with my views, or understand them, please let me know urgently.
I have to applaud you, and embrace you, and let you know that I am glad this was important or interesting enough for you to use up your precious time on.
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