And Shepherds We Shall Be
poppuu
So well, when I'm talking with someone I am also thinking about why they act like that, what should I do next, why are they in that kind of mood etc. But I don't think that in a ''
emotional'' way, it's more like in a logical way, and when they express a very strong emotion I just get really lost.
I mean, when I'm having fun with someone, and I'm laughing a lot, I say to myself at some point ''Why are you laughing like that? How is that person doing that to me? Am I being fake because inside I'm asking myself this when in the outside I am laughing? How am I reacting like this to him/his actions?'', and yeah, it sounds very stupid but that's how it is, I just focus on the logical and thinking part of myself and my emotional part disappears for a few seconds, my point of view becomes totally criticizing.
I don't think of people as if I was one of them. I don't know if I'm being fake or not, because inside I'm cold, but then again I love my friends and I don't want to lose them but that second thing feels very superficial to me but at the same time it isn't, wow, I'm just confused as when I tell people about this. Sometimes I even need some time to organize my thoughts because they don't make sense and when this happens and I look like I went blank and my friends are like, ''
hey, are you there?''.
Also, I know that every human in this world wants to be appreciated and loved by the others so they do stuff that they don't really wanna do or would do for themselves but they do it just to fit in the society, but, am I really doing that to my friends? Or is that what I really want? If I'm laughing with them and being nice to them, am I being fake again? Sometimes I think it's because I don't wanna be alone, because nobody wants to be alone, so I do that for myself, because I'm very selfish or something, but not because they're my true friends, not to please them, I don't know... I don't know if you get the idea since it isn't clear for me either, it's difficult to understand I guess...
I'm asking this because it's getting really annoying cause when I'm trying to have a good time with someone my mind suddenly starts asking myself these kind of questions and everything becomes fake and I feel like I don't really belong there, like I'm not one of ''them''? But that happens till I start thinking of it which is almost always when I find myself in a social situation.
Also, sorry for my bad english.
Couple of questions:
1) Is this behavior a concern for you that you would like to change? What kind of change would you like to see? Less active thoughts, more organized thoughts, what?
2) Is this causing problems in your life? Are you able to function normally and get your needs met? For example: Are you able to provide food/shelter for yourself (relative to your age), have a social life, etc.
What it sounds like to me is that you have a very active mind, and I'm sure I could come up with some anxiety diagnosis if I wanted to, but until it becomes a problem I don't see how that would help. If you are struggling with it I would suggest starting a journal. When you're mind starts to race, write down the thoughts that are coming into your head. It MAY (not will, MAY) help you to organize your thoughts so you can better understand them. If you're still concerned and want to more actively work towards changing the thought patterns I would seek out either a school counselor (depending on your culture/age) or a therapist.
P.S. To the person who said you might be a sociopath: shut up, you're stupid and not helping. The OP is NOT describing any type of behavior that would lead to that conclusion/diagnosis.
1) Well, I don't think I want to change it, sometimes I see it as an ability for further use or even for my everyday life, I just don't know why I do it.
Maybe it's because of my past (which has been a little chaotic), or because that's just how I am. I guess I would like to have less active thoughts when I'm with other people, when I'm trying to have a good time, but not when I see it as an ability. The thing is that when I think I want to change it I also think it's something that makes me a little more ''special'', ''superior'' or ''different'' than other people, and that I'm lucky to have it, because it apparently makes me less ignorant. Right now I don't want to change it, because I see a lot of people of my daily life as ignorant, even if they're my ''friends'', I like being with them but that doesn't change my opinion, that doesn't change that I see them as just ''another one'', but ''another one'' which I share my life and that kind of stuff with him/her, and that we have things in common.
Of course they don't know this part of me, I hide many things from them, but I still like having a good time with them.
And yes, I'd like my mind to be a little more organized, I'd like it not to change its desires every 1 minute because sometimes it gets annoying.
2) I guess this is not causing any major problem in my life, well, yes, that I have so many things in my mind that I forget everyday stuff (apparently I forget that kind of things but I never forget school lessons, I have like a ''selective memory'' or sth hahahah).
Also, I can't trust anyone at all (maybe if it's online I can trust people but not in real life), so I'm like very secretive and my ''interior world'' is very rich because of that, but I can't count on anybody. Never.
And yes, I can function normally apart from those problems.
About the social life, a few months ago I changed my school 'cause I didn't have friends and I didn't think that anyone was worth it, also because I had some problems with my family (I lived in a ''poor'' zone of my city), now, I have an active social life (I live more like in the ''rich'' zone of the city), and I feel like I'm more like ''at home'', but just superficially, not like internally, because nobody knows who I really am.
I'd also like to point out that I've never been really sentimental or anything, well, I think I am but my parents and my family keep telling me that I'm very cold, that I just want them to buy me stuff and everything, that I didn't love them. So, one day, I told them that I wasn't problematic or anything because I didn't know why they were arguing with me (I still don't know), and I told them that I had good grades, I did everything by myself, I admitted that sometimes I ''explode'' and get angry really easily but also that there are more problematic children than me. I don't know if this could affect my actual behavior.
I started to write a ''journal'' with my thoughts a few days ago, but I usually forget to write them down, I'll try to put more effort on it.
Also I used to go to the psychologist twice a week because of my family problems and my social life problems, but I never told them about this, it wasn't a problem for me (it still isn't now, but it's not clear), and it didn't work because I wasn't able to follow their instructions (how to control my emotions when I'm angry, or I fail something, how to be more lovable to my family), but I stopped going a year ago.
I think I would not be able to tell the therapist about my problems , it's like I can't just tell them about it, even if that's their job. I wouldn't be able to explain myself well...
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