Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.2%	[ 743 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 127 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 110 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 260 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 249 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.1%	[ 156 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 74 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.8%	[ 681 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2542 ]

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ Anatomy & Physiology
Anatomy & Physiology Lab
Science of Nutrition
Sociology

There's my schedule this semester,
and I'm intimidated as hell.
This first week wasn't too bad, but we're
already in full swing with lessons.
Science isn't really my forte. I'm not awful,
but I'm not great at it either. *SIGH*

When I got my AA degree I just sort
of exhaled and relaxed. Bad idea.
I should have stayed on my tip toes and
prepared to tackle this Dental Hygiene degree.
I let my guard down and now I'm sort of
wobbling into this first set of pre-reqs. I just hope
that I can keep my 4.0 GPA. It's not the best GPA
ever but it's good enough for me. That's all that counts,
right? :l ⊱

[Suicide Salvation]

He needs to see a ******** chiropractor. Now.

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ Sociology is fun though.
I really enjoy social sciences.
It honestly breaks my heart that they
aren't taken a bit more seriously.
It's a magnificent journey trying to understand the human condition. ⊱

[Suicide Salvation]

I'm tired of hearing of how shitty your back is when you won't ask your parents if you can go see a ******** chiropractor.

[Suicide Salvation]

And yes, I'm aware I'm 109 pounds, and a ******** stick. Get someone else to do it if you're going to b***h and moan.

[Everyday Arson Man]

I don't use words lightly. I try to use them as deliberately as humanly possible. So... The fact of the matter is, my warning never fell on deaf ears. Just ears that didn't care until they realized its sincerity.

Maybe that's the biggest tragedy of them all; I just don't care anymore.

_________________


My manager told me he didn't really get any real manager experience until he was 28. I think he was trying to say I'm young for the strides I've already made, even if I'm not where I want to be just yet. I'm still hopeful that I can get into a temporary OS roll, this backup business runs a little dry with the constant interruption. Still, I'm happy I spent most of today on queue.

I'm going to miss that team. It's a shame that me being sick yesterday was the deciding factor of whether or not I'd get to be fulltime social media (in fact, I honestly bet it's more my schedule. I'm the only one who can fill in these supervisor coverage gaps we have), but it was an incredibly rewarding experience to work with him. I feel like we're a lot alike, and that maybe helped him guide me through where I needed and wanted to go with this job. I'm sure if I don't puss out and randomly quit one day? I'm going to have a lot to show for the job, and I kinda owe it in part to him.

I hate my job (the regular agent portion, at least), but I met some stellar people along the way. I can't discount that, no matter how frustrated I may get sometimes.

[Suicide Salvation]

Irritated as ********....

[smile into the chaos]

you'recynicalandbeautiful
　　　　　　　you　　　　　always　　　　　　make　　　　　　a　　　　　　scene
you're monochrome delirious you're nothing that you seem
　　　i'm drowning in your vanity / / your laugh is your disease
you'redirtyandyou'resweet
　　　　　　you　know　you're　e v e r y t h i n g　to　me



Well isn't that just a slap in the face, not to mention a sign that you may be with the wrong person.

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ I have a horrible habit of
basing my value off of my academic intelligence.
If I can't keep up in an intellectual conversation I
mentally scorn myself. I feel like an embarrassment.

It's also with my appearance to. I think that's why
I'm struggling so hard with my hair.
I love it... when I'm alone. I love my blue hair.
In public? I'm iffy. I'm insecure.
No matter how many people compliment me
I see the ones who are just staring.
I shrink a little.

Contrary to popular belief? I didn't dye my hair
a bright color for the attention. In a weird way,
it's a way to hide behind it. If people are staring it's
because I have blue hair -- not because I'm
short and over weight. At least... that's what I'd like
to think anyway. I'd rather people murmur about my
blue hair than my thick body. ⊱

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ emotion_sweatdrop

Not sure that really made sense.
It did in my head before I expressed it.
Attention is attention either way, I suppose.
In the end it was probably a bad idea to dye my hair this color.

I don't like the attention.
I'm so used to just... quietly fading into the background. ⊱

[Suicide Salvation]

Yeah yeah yeah I'm the worst girlfriend ever b***h b***h b***h

[Suicide Salvation]

You of all people should know I'm not the one you should go to if you're looking for sympathy. You won't squeeze any out of me.

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ "Don't worry so much. It's not /really/ anatomy and physiology."

Um, what?
Thanks, mom. I know you.
I know /exactly/ what you meant.

"Why are you so worried? It's community college. Not real college. Child's play,
just like your entire education... unlike your older sister who attended
a big four year university. That's a real education."

Yeah, ******** you and whatever the ******** you're drinking at the moment.

This is why I don't ever go over and visit anymore.
You think you're sneaky; you think I can't read between the lines.

Just remember that when you beg me to clean up your bloody messes.
I'm the only one who has picked you up off the floor,
helped you bathe, put you in cleans clothes, tucked you in
and watched over my baby sisters while you're off in your own
miserable little ******** up bubble you call reality.

I don't do it for you anymore.
I do it for my baby siblings. ⊱

[I2ose Quartz]

⊰ And while I'm on that note?
Stop taking credit for the s**t I've achieved,
/especially/ after shitting on my achievements to my face.
I pay for my college. I pay for everything.
The moment I turned 18 I've paid for it all --
including the surgery that saved my life and put my out of work
for 4 months. I made it work... even when I couldn't get out of bed or walk on my own.

We made it work <-- correction.
I have Gary to thank for everything, really.
He helped me every step of the way.
I wouldn't be here if he didn't.

I couldn't focus on using my money towards my education
if he didn't help with the bills we have at home.

But point of the matter? No, mom.
You gave birth to me, and I thank you for that.
When you were sober? You were amazing.
But I can hardly remember a time you were sober.
Whether you were popping muscle relaxers, high off your a**, or drunk.

The same goes with my older sister.
She got herself where she is.
Stop living vicariously through your off spring,
get your s**t together, and live your own life.

I have offered SO many times to let you move in.
To help you get a job. To help you get clean.
Can't you see the damage you're causing to everyone else?
It's been fifteen years, mom. It's surpassed the point of:
"I feel bad and I'm sorry you're hurting." ⊱

[I2ose Quartz]

trigger warning: substance abuse

⊰ I will never forget standing in
the kitchen as kid and staring at you.
You were standing there in your pajamas...
your eyes were bloodshot and you were a complete mess.
Your head kept nodding... your body was swaying and wobbling a bit.
I remember the noise that spoon made as you were standing there
scraping at a puddle of mustard on a plate as you made a poor
attempt to microwave a corn dog for my little brother.

I don't know why that memory is so prevalent.
But to this day? It makes my chest tighten and I get nauseous.

I wonder if you remember that, mom.

Or if you remember the time when he was first born,
and you left him in the crib screaming for hours because
you were passed out on the couch from taking too many pills.
My older sister and I called our aunt to help and she did.

Afterward you beat the s**t out of us and yelled at us
when you regained consciousness and were sober enough
to realize exactly what had happened. You claimed it was
that you were simply "too exhausted" to wake up.

It's all in the past. I know that.
Why is it so hard to move on, then? ⊱