Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.1%	[ 736 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 126 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 109 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 258 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.9%	[ 249 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.2%	[ 156 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 74 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.7%	[ 675 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2525 ]

[Everyday Arson Man]

You know, I'm sure glad I didn't lose sleep over shitting magma in the middle of the night. Because, like, let's say it did hypothetically happen to me. And then let's, for the sake of argument, say it continued to happen throughout the course of the day, when I'm already exhausted from rectally expelling a destructive force of nature. I'd probably lose my ******** mind over it. Probably, idk. It's hard to visualize the scenario, to be honest, but I'd bet it would be a hella unpleasant day.

[Everyday Arson Man]

I guess tomorrow would mark a year since you snuck out to marry him behind my back. Wild how that's... actually a real thing that happened, haha. Time has a funny way of making all these big, bad things that happen to us just... well, I guess time alienated me from the experience. I type it, and I think, "that sounds batshit insane. There's no way that happened." But it did. Funny, right?

It wouldn't have even come up, if not for seeing a meme about some anime where a woman is like, "and Darling here and I are married." "Oh, we are, aren't we?" And then she screams back angrily, "Yes! We are!" And I read it in your shrill, "ha-ha yelling at people is a funny joke" yell. It was an automatic thing, it just kind of happened&and it caught me off guard. And I had to sit and think, "Hm. This all really did happen, to someone who betrayed my trust many times over a ten year stretch, and I continued to extend extra chances to."

I don't know if what you told me about him when we were together was at all true, or if you were trying to triangulate us against each other. Every one of our conversations has seemed so incredibly suspect that I'm having trouble sorting out reality after the fact, you know? But if he was truly so awful to you, you two certainly deserve each other. Here's to a year: I hope it was worth it.

[Beasty]

The upside to working in a doctor's office is that you can ask a doctor/nurse what to use on a hot glue burn... There's a blister on the tip of my finger.

[no scheisse]

i wanna believe things will get better. i just have heard this many times already. and if anything, i think it keeps getting worse. to the point where i just distance from you. because thats the most common interaction we both have, is just avoiding each other each day after a few msgs. im js that if you have something to tell me about how you've been feeling or how you want things to go, im willing to hear it out. i dont want you to also be depressed in our relationship. if you're not happy with me, i really need to know it. whether it has a bit to do with your ex or not. i guess it all hurts the same either way. if we're better as friends, id just like to know. i know its not normal to have everything be perfect. or even a fairytale-like relationship.

but i dont like the way we act like strangers. i thought i could even learn to become okay with it, but it really hurts. i like being affectionate, and if i cant even be that openly, idk. i dont want to feel like a slapped puppy by the end of every call or interaction. just always shooed away at any given time because you need to do something. tons of things, that i thought maybe id become part of in your life..but it just doesnt happen.

its just not really bonding activities that we do anymore. i feel like we call just to keep ourselves semi-glued together. to remind ourselves that we're kind of dating, but still having to be so low-key.



i hate feeling like im not enough here.

and maybe you're happier that way, just surrounded by other people. a best friend, an ex. at least they're there for you in person, the one thing ive never been able to accomplish no matter how much i want to, even now.

but even if i were there, i dont even feel wanted..i feel boring and stupid constantly.

theres so many piled up insecurities i wanted to address on top of just not even speaking at all being the main problem..