Dirty Little Secrets [Announcement 11/8/2023]

Before I go, I've got to know:

Is that what you mean to say?	29.2%	[ 743 ]
Before I rise to my defense,	5.0%	[ 127 ]
Before I speak in hurt or fear,	5.6%	[ 142 ]
Before I build that wall of words,	4.3%	[ 110 ]
Tell me: did I really hear?	10.2%	[ 260 ]
Words are windows, or they're walls,	9.8%	[ 249 ]
They sentence us, or set us free.	6.1%	[ 156 ]
When I speak and when I hear,	2.9%	[ 74 ]
Let the love light shine through me.	26.8%	[ 681 ]
Total Votes:			[ 2542 ]

[Form Abattoir]

So...
Time to get something off my chest that's bothering me lately.

So, as is obvious by my DLS posts, I am currently interested in two individuals.
Sergei and another individual. This person is Mattie.
I have mentioned Mattie in the past before.

Mattie is incredible and yes, we've had our ups and downs but I don't know.
Something about him feels absolutely right.
When I talk to him, when I get pictures, phone calls, web chats, whatever... everything falls into place. Everything seems okay, I am content and I am happy.
I don't even know.
How stupid and odd it is. It just... he makes me happy.
Problem is?
Met him through VF.

The one thing my parents ever requested was that I not do the social network thing, which I guess is understandable.
Not saying s**t but I don't know.
It just really hurts knowing that I've met someone that I really care about and can see myself being happy with and, I can't even be honest and admit it.
Originally, the plan was school, saying we met there.
He's not cool with the idea of founding our relationship on a lie.
Which, honestly? I give him a lot of credit for. A lot of people would have been like LOL W/E.
And it means a lot that he wants to be completely truthful.
It's admirable.

But point blank? It can't happen.
It won't happen that way.
My mother has become so damn judgmental and hostile as of late (these past few years).
It doesn't matter how happy I am with him, she would make sure it didn't happen.

I want to be honest with her, and tell her everything about him.
I want her to be accepting of him... but she won't.
I feel bad because he doesn't seem to understand that she just won't be okay with it and never will be.
That the ONE request my parents really gave me I violated.

I see all these people who have these great relationships and accepting parents.
Parents who will allow and support their kids to be happy.
My mother wouldn't. She's all I have too...

I just want to figure out how to make it happen, how to tell her, how to get him in my life and everything.

My mom really made me feel like s**t today.
She asked about him and I smiled and shrugged it off. I didn't want to bother mentioning him because I had to figure out how to be completely honest and not have my cell revoked and my internet taken away from me (Since I don't have enough money to live on my own and manage myself).
She scoffed and told me that I probably got him interested and now I'm done with the game and threw him aside.

Lately, comments like those? On top of everything else she finds wrong with me? It hurts... and I'm tired of dealing with it.
She's pretty much calling me a cheap, unintelligent, lazy, fat whore.
: /
I can't deal with this anymore.

I can't even think straight.
This entire post isn't coherent.
It's just bugging me a lot today...

I wish it were easy as dating Sergei and moving on...
But that can't happen.
He's got a girlfriend and even if he didn't?
We probably couldn't because of the studio.
I realize where I do care about Sergei and really do enjoy him?
A lot of it would be rebounding Mattie a bit.

And honestly?
I know I dug my own grave on this one but I didn't think A) I would care about him the way I do... and B) That he would care if we did something lie this.
He just... baffles me sometimes.
But.
Sadly...
It's not really doing s**t.
I can't let it happen, even though I want to.
At least not now...

[REPENT REPENT]

ok
i'm talking to stretch about it

i actually trust her
she wont tell anyone
and
man
********

this is a lot to get off my chest
seriously

[Darling Korean Prince]

A M A N D A

•••
It feels so weird when you compliment me.
I'm able to have a better head on my shoulders now that I let that crush die down a little.
I still perk up when you give me attention, but it's not going to kill me that you're going to be gone for a few more months.

Let me correct that, you confuse me in general.
I'm used to having someone telling me straight up if they are interested or if they aren't.
You just hint at things, say I'm awesome instead of saying you like me, and are a huge pain in the butt.
If it wasn't my friend telling me what you said I probably would try to move on.

L Y N N

Crush||Tumblr

[Vingt cinq]

Man, looking at the jeep subreddit is making me sad. Do want.
I don't know a thing about cars but I wish I did- don't know where to start, and I feel like I don't really have a way to learn that would actually...teach me something? Not sure how to say it. As in I'd rather learn by doing (with someone) rather than purely reading/looking and I don't exactly have the means to make the happen.
It's fascinating! Plus I'd rather not get a vehicle (whenever that happens. won't be for a long time) and not know what the balls is happening under the hood.

captcha: move along
Poop on you, captcha.


loool work tomorrow.
loaded more music onto my phone.
Glad the girls aren't in, but Jule and Marina...oh god. Goddamned gong show.

[cosmosredshift7]

----

Someone help
Code Lyoko is on Netflix.

----

[Darling Korean Prince]

A M A N D A

•••
I'm a very affectionate person.
I love holding hands.
I love nuzzling against their cheek/arm/thigh.
I love to fall asleep curled up into them.
I love random kisses on the cheek and forehead.
I love having each others hands in the other's pocket.

Here I am wanting to hold hands and being disgustingly cute with a guy who isn't into that at all.
I mean he does show it somewhat, but usually when we're alone, and even then it's not that much.
It's such a change from what I usually get.

I miss holding hands by the pinky in public.
The flowers that I'd receive just because.
Or a corny romantic song playing as I open my door to a giant teddy bear and a 'Happy Anniversary' sign.
Calling each other stupid pet names.
I miss the forehead kisses and the occasional glancing at each other and blushing.

L Y N N

Crush||Tumblr

[REPENT REPENT]

Card Captor Mituna

----

Someone help
I've already watched all of Code Lyoko on Netflix.

----

[Darling Korean Prince]

A M A N D A

•••
I don't think it's being in a relationship that I miss.
It's the affection and that warm fuzzy feeling I get.

_________________________________

I wonder if he's talking to me less since he's hanging out with his ex and she's single now.
It doesn't bug me much, but it's in the back of my head.
Well, as long as he's happy.
He deserves it.

L Y N N

Crush||Tumblr

[shiny spoink]

there are spots where the lemon juice was most effective on my thigh.
i wish it could burn more.
it was such a high.

[Form Abattoir]

Way to kill it, Brandon.
Way to kill it.
i was excited and reminded of you and you pulled that s**t.

Sorry things with your girlfriend aren't working out already but I could have told you that.
I mean ********, she just started dating you and introduced you to her daughter.
She's 19 her kid is 3 and she's making these mistakes?
You two haven't even known each other long and THIS is what happens.
I warned you about this because I know what the hell it's like.
you're gonna deal with that s**t and that girl?
She needs to get her s**t straight and not introduce her kid to any man she meets.

Nothing personal, you're fabulous but...
No.
That was WAY too soon.
Granted, she doesn't seem to have her priorities straight though.

[l u n a - f l e u r]

Not sure what you're up to, but you're confusing me even more.

[Darling Korean Prince]

A M A N D A

•••
I have this fear;
I don't know if it'll work out because I'm monogamous, and he's polyamorous.
I'm open minded about it, but part of me is worrying I'll end up getting too butt hurt and not saying anything about it.

L Y N N

Crush||Tumblr

[from my hands]

are you alone where you are tonight?
i'm alone when you're right here.

[shiny spoink]

what the ******** dls..
this is a ******** disgrace.
this is NOT good enough to be called "texas chainsaw".