A lack of empathy??

[Yevpraksiya]

How is someone suppose to self-observe a lack of empathy?

I thought of this the other day when a friend called me crying, saying her grandmother had just passed away. I was honestly irritated that she called me and I didn't feel bad for her. I honestly didn't feel anything. I put on a show though of being concerned. Was this a lack of empathy?

I pretend to care and I've done this so many times with friends. I put on the right facial expressions, I change how my voice sounds so I sound like I care, I make sure to say the right things, etc. The only reason I do is because I'm suppose to and I don't want to seem like a messed up person just staring at them. It has not come natural to me in any situation I can think of.

Am I thinking of this the wrong way? I'm not sure I understand empathy.

[DXnobodyX]

Empathy is also dependent on the strength of a relationship.

[Centuries Before]

Generally the closer you are to a person, the stronger the empathy. Same applies to blood relations, usually. So if you aren't a close friend, then no, not having a lot of empathy makes sense - also if you've never had a close relative die, like a grandparent, then trying to empathise is even more difficult because you have not been through that specific circumstance yourself.

[CH1YO]

It's not something which you are supposed to self-observe.

[And Shepherds We Shall Be]

What you are describing sounds more like a lack of sympathy, rather than empathy. Empathy, as defined by the American Psychological Association is the ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand their feelings, desires, ideas, and actions.

Because you know that you are supposed to elicit a response that has been deemed socially acceptable you are showing some signs of empathy. What you are not showing is sympathy towards others, which is not necessarily a positive or negative trait.

If it concerns you I would suggest either A) reflecting on times you have been sympathetic (or empathetic) towards another, and figure out what was different about that scenario or B) getting professional help (counselor, therapist, etc).

Hope this helps.

[AlmaFishslap]

I'm kinda the same. When somebody is suffering, I'm like "Ow man, that sucks." for a couple of seconds then I go all cold hearted again.

[Ivy_sins]

Same here. Yes, I am sorry such-and-such happened to you. Yes, I wish I could help. But there is very little, if anything, that I can do but listen and frantically search for an appropriate response.

The problem is, it wasn't me that it happened to, and I don't know exactly how you feel.

I will say I react more strongly when someone I am quite close to is hurt somehow. Not because I am sad that their family member died or I can feel the pain from their injury, but because I feel helpless to help them in their time of grief, or angry that I didn't get to protect them.

[Kaiser Khronos]

I'm not very empathetic either. I've had three relatives pass away within two years. Didn't cry at any of their funerals or subsequent family gatherings. I felt sad but it was a "meh, I'll get over it" kinda thing.

Maybe its because I'm EXTREMELY introverted. I only ever had a handful of friends growing up, went to school in a different city than I lived (about 15 miles away) and I've never had a girlfriend. I only ever get emotional from TV and movies. I remember whenever Toystory 3 was coming out, that Disney released 1 and 2 in 3D. When I went, I actually shed some tears during some of the songs. I'm more empathetic towards fictional characters because, as the movies establish, you know EXACTLY what makes them tick. People are complicated.

[sikio]

Kaiser Khronos

I'm not very empathetic either. I've had three relatives pass away within two years. Didn't cry at any of their funerals or subsequent family gatherings. I felt sad but it was a "meh, I'll get over it" kinda thing.

Maybe its because I'm EXTREMELY introverted. I only ever had a handful of friends growing up, went to school in a different city than I lived (about 15 miles away) and I've never had a girlfriend. I only ever get emotional from TV and movies. I remember whenever Toystory 3 was coming out, that Disney released 1 and 2 in 3D. When I went, I actually shed some tears during some of the songs. I'm more empathetic towards fictional characters because, as the movies establish, you know EXACTLY what makes them tick. People are complicated.

Your description is not anywhere close to a lack of empathy. Rather, you're simply displaying a lack of strong emotion or you're repressing strong emotion, which is not at all as large an issue as a lack of empathy. This may be due to your not having a strong bond with those relatives.
An example of this would be myself. I can be very empathetic, however, I displayed a lack of emotion at my grandmother's funeral. I was not even slightly sad. I was, in fact, immensely bored with the subject and was wondering if it were going to rain, then had a mental discussion on media and its insistence at making funeral/misc sad scenes be in the rain, and then debated within myself why anyone would think rain is sad even though it is what makes things grow. Then I noticed everyone was crying and wondered why people cry at funerals when they aren't the ones who are dead. I obviously know of grief and I myself have grieved over a loss of someone I had shared a bond with, I simply wondered why it appeared to be the social convention to cry at funerals when I myself preferred to keep my emotions private.

[DrawingDrow]

I don't think your lack of emotion is a bad thing. What ever you want to call it. It is possible that you are on overly logical person and when you see situations like that you realize there isn't anything you can do to fix the problem so you don't dwell on it.

I know that I do that. When my Grandpa died I wasn't overly upset because I knew he was gone and that he wouldn't be around any more and there was nothing I could do about it. My sister told me I was cold but i just couldn't reason spending energy on something that I couldn't fix. I miss him here and there and will always treasure the memories I have but I am not going to dwell on anything that can't be fixed.

[Sneaker Pimps]

DXnobodyX

Empathy is also dependent on the strength of a relationship.

Very true.

[Sneaker Pimps]

CH1YO

It's not something which you are supposed to self-observe.

That's right.

[Yevpraksiya]

Sneaker Pimps

CH1YO

It's not something which you are supposed to self-observe.

That's right.

But you can observe it. I shouldn't have used the word 'supposed'.

[Sneaker Pimps]

Yevpraksiya

Sneaker Pimps

CH1YO

It's not something which you are supposed to self-observe.

That's right.

But you can observe it. I shouldn't have used the word 'supposed'.

Your probably right about that. Silly.