AWKWARD KID ALERT

SEX?

OH OH BABY BABY, HELLLLLL YEAH	44.1%	[ 56 ]
NO SORRY I AM A LAMEFACE	29.9%	[ 38 ]
ONLY WITH LITTLE CHILDREN	26.0%	[ 33 ]
Total Votes:			[ 127 ]

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

Haha!!! I love reading my old "let's hope nobody I know irl ever finds this embarrassing diary thread" entries. They remind me a lot of livejournal, when everyone was in middle school and used livejournal. Ahhhhh.

New sexy drama, AS ALWAYS, DURR. This time, not so much drama and also much less sexy, however. I decided to stop wasting my time agonizing whether K knew that I knew that he was hooking up with me, and just enjoy the ride, so to speak, which I think worked out REALLY WELL. (all my friends who have since heard about this unfortunate episode pretty much think everything about it is weird as ********, though.) Now we're apart for the summer and I am on to better and more exciting things! In the beginning of the summer I somehow got myself involved in a one lesbian/one straight dude/ALL CRAZY PEOPLE love triangle that ended with one of the aforementioned crazy people threatening to knife a third, innocent party because he was (gasp) potentially flirting with me and DON'T YOU KNOW SHE'S PRACTICALLY MY GF ALREADY DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE REJECTED ME TWICE, I MEAN SHE HASN'T EVEN MACED ME YET, COME ON. I guess I was kind of flirting with that third, innocent party (not like that at all justifies the whole "I will pick your lock when you are sleeping and visit you with Swissy" episode), but guyz, just let me freaking have some sexy without the drama already, holy s**t. Good news, lesbian regained sanity and now we're facebook friends, anyway. After that I decided that I would take a good, long, healthy break from sexy drama and practice being celibate, also sexually frustrated. I think it was good for my emotional maturity (not like it was very hard to mature from the 13-year-old-with-a-Taylor-Swift-CD antics of last spring... year... life), although I spent an embarrassing amount of time crying to my best friend about how I am so gross that nobody will love or be sexually attracted to me or even be my friend, shut up, stop lying, YOU AREN'T MY FRIEND, wait I didn't mean it come give me a pity hug. Typical Bridget Jones stuff, you know, except I didn't allow myself to have any ice cream because I randomly decided that I desperately needed to lose weight. Oh god, I've become exactly that girl I said I'd never become...

Stuff is better now, all good. Although I had another "how do I motivate myself to do this thing called hw again?" episode for the last few weeks, and along those lines, I need to dash and start my hw for tomorrow soon! Hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon without much further incident. Sexy drama now is - thank god - thus far MUCH more sane/college student normal. Probably because I've instituted a new policy of "don't sleep with people on the first night you meet them, and also, if he looks like the kind of person who might lovingly slice your skin off and make it into a body suit, run away right now." I'm considering two dudes, by which I mean I'm uh I guess maybe kind of involved with one, and gaming hard on the other in hopes that he'll rise above social taboo (and... abstinence? I don't know, but ever since the K episode, I've become increasingly paranoid of the Christian folk) and get wit me anyway. I mean, it's not like I'm DATING, yet, because dumbass here won't make an obvious move. Holy s**t. I hate people sometimes.

Seriously though. I suck so much at the whole dating... relationship... monogamy... thing. I don't really understand how any of it works. Like, how do people start dating? What is the girl supposed to do? How do you have that "uhh, are we an item" conversation? I really don't get it, but since I've put the kabosh on "random fun," as Y would say (well... before he fell madly in love drama with my bffffff, ******** them both... jk, but srsly), I guess I might need to figure this ish out. But.... IT'S SO HARD. I just want clarity, guys! I just want people to come up to me and be like, "Hey, ******** this mixed signal bullshit, let's just enter a mutually beneficial and meaningful long-term relationship, and have lots and lots of sex, starting now, which I won't judge you for. Also, here is a list of the stuff I like to do in bed. I eagerly await your response." But actually, I do. Most Likely Possibility dude is funny, interesting, surprisingly attractive, almost embarrassingly preppy (just the way I like my all-American blonde types), and really freaking hard to read. Like, do you want to DATE ME? Then freaking make some big-a** moves and say something like "You are so cool, I totally wouldn't be sad if you were my girlfriend," or something equally obvious my dense relationship-clueless mind can understand. Then at the end of the summer when we go back to our respective colleges, we can stop dating, or we can have an open relationship that is long distance, whatever, I'm cool. Or do you just want to HAVE A LOT OF CASUAL SEX UNTIL AUGUST? Then freaking find some way to lure your (totally cool) roommate out of the room and booty call. I'm down wit dat. Just, please, this whole cuddling, hair-stroking, "I'm too much of a p***y to kiss you yet (or maybe I just don't like PDA, yet have this compulsion to pull this stunt with AT LEAST 7 mutual friends around me at all times" ) BS is really getting too much. If all you want is cuddling and hair-stroking, make this so freaking obvious that none of our mutual friends will judge me when I finish cuddling and hair-stroking with you, then saunter off to do the dirty with someone who actually wants to make a little mess. JESUS ******** CHRIST, SERIOUSLY. GUYZZZZZZZZZZ.

I mean, I'd be totally happy to make the first blunt move, but...........my idea of the first move is taking your pants off. Without saying anything further on the matter. I mean.... if I take your pants off, then hopefully you'll be understand that I want to get sexy, right? It's not like I need to flirt anymore to get that message across subtly? Right? Right???? I said this to my friends and they were like, "Okay, stop making the first move." Other considerations, some guys are surprisingly socially conservative (even when they're politically very liberal) and might get freaked out by the first-move-making, or at least consider it precursor to casual fun and an immediate cut-off to any sort of romantic possibility. And on and on. Like I said, bullshit. I told my friends I'd give the "smile and look pretty while flirting madly" thing a go, but if he doesn't hurry up and freaking lick my face by Saturday, I'm going to have to just say "******** it" and put my mouth on his mouth. And I mean, I, uhhh, don't really know how to kiss people. Usually I just skip to the funner bit. So, ATTRACTIVE GUY I'M RANTING ABOUT, if you value your life, or at least your tongue, or at least your continued lack of hickeys, or at least my dignity.......... start making out with me so I can just follow your lead instead of making the first stab at it (but actually, "stab" ), kthnx, bai.

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

Hahaha!! How fast time flies. I don't have time/energy to do a full recap but some highlights:

- things didn't end up working out with Dude mentioned above. He got really drunk and accidentally had sex with a 35 year old woman with plastic surgery he met at the club, and I think this was really traumatizing to him, and he just wasn't really up for anything after that. I mean, that's the story our mutual friend V said (I mean, the first part was def fact, but the second part). I think also though that V was romantically interested in him and was specifically interested in me and him not hooking up (V and I grew apart a little too as I became good friends with one of her classmates who she hated intensely), because I THINK I overheard her trying to talk him out of making moves on me, to which he responded, "But she's pretty cute!" A hypothesis that might be born out by the fact that I made out with him like twice after that with no real repercussions. But also, he's a manwhore when drunk so who knows. Either way, no big loss.
(I did embarrass myself a couple times when drunk around V though - gotta remember to keep watch on what I say when drunk...)

- had a sexual situation with another abstinent dude (WHY DOES THiS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??). I felt less guilty this time because I had no idea he was even that religious until the morning after. I think from now on, every time I tup a Christian dude I'll just make them fill out a little survey first. Although it didn't really help because then, like two weeks later, we sexed AGAIN. And he totally made the first move in a completely unambiguous and rather forward way. And then he cried for like an hour. While praying. Maybe multiple surveys, spaced throughout our friendship.

Here's a snippet from an email I wrote to a friend about this that does a good job of illuminating the kind of drama that goes on in my life:

email to mah number one

oh my goshhh, i just had the strangest conversation with abstinent boy. basically it was like:

me: "sooooo.... i have it!! what if we date for 9 days, and then we enter this long distance relationship, but it's an open relationship? you're abstinent, so this is perfect!!"
him: "i mean, i'm not really sure if it is perfect? i don't really know any abstinent people who are in long distance open relationships, but whatever. if we only date for 9 days before we start to skype it, HOW WILL I KNOW IF YOU WILL MARRY ME SOME DAY AND THEN BEAR ME CHILDREN WHO SHALT BE BAPTIZED AS ACCORDING TO DOCTRINE, IN THE IDYLLIC PASTORAL SETTING WHERE I WILL HERD SHEEP AND YOU WILL SCRUB THE FLOORS OF OUR COTTAGE WHILE TEACHING YONDER LITTLE ONES THE COMMON PRAYER?????? i mean, i really like you and everything, but i don't know if you're my intended woman!! and i don't know if i want to date you if you aren't!"
me: "oh.... well... i mean... we have 9 days, right? that's totally like 216 hours, or exactly that. that's 216 hours of getting to know whether we are suitable to bear children together! i think we can make this work."
him: "....... but....... i'm abstinent. i have boundaries."
me: "don't worry, i'm pretty sure i'll be able to accurately assess your childrearing skills from 216 hours of mad make-out seshes."
him: "....... i'm not sure if that is within my boundaries......."
[long silence]
me: "well, will you hug me?"
him: "it might be sinful if i stand too close."
[longer silence]
me: "..... definitely an open relationship."

hhahaha why is my life so strange????? at some point, after like an hour of arguing, i just started laughing at myself. who the ******** tries to persuade a super abstinent religious fundamentalist to "date" (aka be really close friends who occasionally hold hands, but never in public) for 9 days, then enter a long distance open relationship in which you skype a lot and discuss the best places in china in which one can simultaneously herd mountain goats and attend orthodox church? who the ********?? a crazy person, that's who! luckily, i have the medical records to prove it.

xoxoxo the love of your life

The best thing about THIS email is that it is actually to my biffle/sort of soul mate/abstinent boy who I sexed #1. And he was pissed when I first broke the news about abstinent boy #2. Wrote me back telling me that I'm going to go to hell for being a whore and need to repent for my sins and all. Yeah, he's a little bit of a religious fanatic but we love each other anyway (except for when I "corrupt innocents" or whatever, I guess).

... Which brings me to second recent drama - I guess we've finally stopped having weird creepy sleep hook-ups? Our relationship is really strange right now. We've pretty much fallen completely out of romantic love, but also completely into some sort of weird next-level soulmate s**t. I guess this is like best friends or something, but it feels unlike the other close friendships I have (and I have many - for some reason I've always had more close friends than other people, though fewer random acquaintances). Basically we're sexually attracted to each other and person-wise attracted to each other, but for some reason we don't actually want to date each other. In fact, it kind of grosses me out to think about dating him exclusively. The ideal situation is if we could like be married or whatever and like live together forever and stuff, and hook up, but I could also satisfy my romantic/sexual curiosity on the side with like whoever. So obviously we're not gonna date like ever. And I said to him, "We're totally not compatible with each other and we're not going to date." Just to be clear. And he was like "Now we're not." Whatever he meant by that.

There's other drama as always but I don't have time to type it out in this diary thread - gotta go do some work! I have a lot of work to do this semester, which overwhelms me a little - not the actual work but the IDEA of having so much of it - and I end up procrastinating a lot like now. But I shall start soon, for I have all my lectures tomorrow and must start my reading.

XOXO.

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

Oh, and the other exciting thing is that I might be (read: am trying to go about) switching to a science major... for those of you who have any knowledge of my academic/intellectual trajectory from like freaking middle school on may be surprised biggrin

Don't want to go into it right now but basically although I still LOVE the stuff I wanted to research before etc, I don't think I'd be able to devote my life to it and other issues involved etc, so now I'm trying to go about switching. I'm really interested in this cognitive science intersection between neuroscience/neurobiology/psychology/evolutionary bio/linguistics/arts so uh that's what I'm doing now, making up ALL THE PREREQUISITES. I expect I'll be doing that this summer too, although hopefully I'll find a way to volunteer at a lab while making up my physics and calc requirements or whatever. Unfortunately it'll probably have to wait until next year until I can take the "cool courses" or help out with "cool research" so for now, lots of supplementary reading and bothering of professors during office hours. Right now my schedule looks like this:

Intro Chem (yearlong)
Intro chem lab (fall - will have to make up second semester lab later)
Intro Bio (will take accompanying bio lab in spring - I only need one term vs two for chem)
Fundamentals of Neuroscience
????? MYSTERY 4TH COURSE ????? *

*(I haven't chosen yet - probably gonna be Introduction to Biological Anthropology - gotta figure this ish out fast cause I have to register really soon)
*(Note to self: EMAIL ADVISOR so I can get schej signed before Tues)

And I'm attempting to either audit or review on my own in preparation for further studies or just even study on my own:

Intro Psych (I actually already "did" this but I'm reviewing - about halfway through now)
Physiology (if I ever wake up in time to audit this s**t, though the prof does word for word with his powerpoints which I already jacked so if I were motivated enough I'd just do those)
Arabic - keep up/regain
Chinese - keep up
Probably gonna audit some fun humanities lecture so I don't die from excess science biggrin

I also jacked the textbook from my friend's Neurochemistry class, but I don't think I'd be able to handle self-studying ANOTHER science class now that I'm already trying to sludge through Physiology with zero real physics knowledge. (To be fair, I'm not trying to self-study the physio course - just trying to get a feel for it so that when I take it for real I'll have an easier time). And a music theory book. SORRY GUYS I JUST REALLY LIKE TEXTBOOKS OKAY.

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

Kind of tired/depressed.

I guess that's not new. IDK. I probably have posted about this a million times before. I never remember things well after I post them. Looking at the last couple pages though, it seems this has been more my "stupid love life drama that doesn't even matter" diary for the last stretch of time.

I just, I don't know. Tired. Overwhelmed, a little. Want to lie down for a long time.

My best friend is sort of fed up with me bitching. I think he thinks that I'm complaining a lot and not doing anything to actually address my issues. By "I think," I mean "I know." I also saw a post on our school's FML that I am PRETTY SURE he wrote that went into detail about the things that I am doing that piss him off or whatever.

Ok, cool.

The thing is, he thinks I'm not trying but I think I'm trying as hard as I can try. For someone who has never been depressed before, it's easy to say, "Holy s**t, how haven't you written your paper yet?? It's only 10 pages. Quit whining and just get that s**t done." For someone who is depressed, even the act of picking up the pen requires the entirety of your willpower. 10 pages??? I would be grateful for just 1 page. As it is, even normal conversation takes great strength to pass my lips. My mind is the countryside in winter...

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

Am I feeling better? Maybe I'm feeling better.

It's always weird to read back on this thread and see how things change.

Anyway it's been a couple months again and now I have exams. I didn't do super well this year. I was too tired and sick all the time, and more importantly, I was SCARED and WHINY, meaning that I didn't take advantage of my opportunities and I procrastinated a ton and just everything that I wish I didn't do. UGH! And now I have to drop a course. But if I work hard and get good grades for my other courses and then work hard over break and catch up, maybe it will all work out.

Basically I shouldn't be here - I should be studying for my two exams tomorrow, which I've barely started studying for. On the bright side, the neuro exam is on clinical disorders and psychopharmacology this time! I definitely know a lot of clinical disorders anyway, even if I still have some neural processes to review/memorize. HAHAHAHHAHA.

ls;DKJF:LKDJSFL:KSJFDL:KDJS

What happened to "do the best you can in the time you have available?" Why do I procrastinate so much now?

What happened to my usual optimism and positivity? What happened to my innate extroversion and authentic interest in other people/their happiness? Why do I spend so much of my time bitching at my friends now?

Well, off to study some more and then hopefully sleep! But first... free ice cream. MMMMM.

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

It is 2:05 AM! 4 more lectures (then REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW) for the first exam, then all my studying (3 lectures but relatively dense) for my second exam, then SLEEP!!!!!

[REREMAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING]

OMG. I am so beast. I am done with preliminary studying!! And I probably could have done that faster, but I took breaks to socialize with two of my dude friends (mostly just whining about exams, ha) and call my dude bestie (more whining, ha) and kill two totally scary spiders above my door while chilling briefly with my awesome roomie and this other person. Yay productivity!!! I don't feel bad about taking the breaks at all because it probably increased my inefficiency in the long run. Or at least I'm telling myself that. I still could have started earlier than 11:30 the freaking day before the tests, but still, not too bad for cramming two exams in one night...

Now to see how well I retain all this crap in the morning.

I'm going to go through all my notes one more time then sleep for a bit. My first exam is at 11:30, so the ABSOLUTE LATEST I can get up is 10:30 since it always takes me a freaking hour to shower, choose clothes, figure out how to stand up and start moving, etc in the morning. I should probably wake up a little bit earlier to study some more, but it's already 5:40...

SCHEDULE TOMORROW:

Notes --> go to sleep --> wake up at 9:30 give or take however many minutes I need to make that the end of a complete sleep cycle

--> study again --> EXAM 1
--> eat lunch while studying more --> EXAM 2
--> go to class, try not to fall asleep. talk to prof after class about makeup EXAM 3
--> turn in course form to registrar
--> write lab report (if I work hard this will take me like only 2 hours!)
--> TA section at 7pm for 50 minutes
--> continue writing lab report/make sure i can do all my calculations etc for lab tomorrow...
--> SLEEP!!!

[Alura19]

I miss your giant blocks of text Rere!