VIstiis against their witnesses ... i don't understand this!

[skrinkleandskrod]

A friend on Facebook was angrily complaining about & dissing women who "don't say anything" when another woman is being harassed on the subway. This was my response:

Quote:

Okay, tired of hearing this negative "but you didn't __" bullshit... This rant hits close to home more than you know... It has been very refreshing to hear many advocates for living smart & actively within your surroundings. As a person alone out in public often, this is always our best defense. Be aware, be smart, tune IN, not out. However, I will offer that it can be very hard to act in a threatening situation where you may feel threatened or targeted yourself. No one is ever prepared for abuse or harassment. Be honest, be safe, be smart, right? We have no idea what any person has seen or experienced already in his or her life, so rather than singling out & dissing someone who "quietly tolerates a groper on the subway" or who "turns a blind eye to a mugger" or any other horrible experience, I would rather flip it positively & encourage people to speak out personally in a more open and generalized way. Maybe next time they will feel empowered to speak out. While I encourage all people to speak up & about their experiences in public as a targeted individual & to defend each other wherever possible in the moment (especially involving abuse or public harassment) I would never diss anyone for not doing so. It's a unpredictable & dangerous world. So please, don't diss each other, help each other! If you see something, say something. If you don't speak then, talk about it later in a safe setting & work through it. Let's try and understand & solve our problems as a community rather than pointing fingers. So let's listen, be supportive & bond together. One Love.

I would offer this... If I am harassed in a room, do I hate the people who are also in the room or do I hate the person who has harassed me? I hate the person who has harassed me. I live through it, I stand up, and then I educate those who witnessed that situation on what happened to me and how i would hope they could act the next time they encounter a similar situation. i don't hate them.

So what do you all think?
Can anyone speak for being in a "witness" situation?

[Agorna]

A few years ago I was commuting on the express train between Tokyo and Yokohama, which was totally packed.
Over a few minutes, I realized that the homeless-looking guy standing next to me was quietly humping the woman on the other side of him. There was about two minutes when I was sure of what was going on, but was hoping someone else would say something. Then they both got off the train at the next station.

The fact that I did nothing is probably the biggest regret and shame of my life, and I never want to do it again.

So I'm not in any position to judge those who don't say anything, but people NEED to speak up... even if you're not sure what is going on. Even neutral questions would help - "Are you okay?" "What are you doing?" "Do you know him/her?"

I can only imagine how horrifying it must be to be sexually assaulted in the middle of a crowd that lets it happen.

[skrinkleandskrod]

Agorna

So I'm not in any position to judge those who don't say anything, but people NEED to speak up... even if you're not sure what is going on. Even neutral questions would help - "Are you okay?" "What are you doing?" "Do you know him/her?"

Very true^ I'm sorry you had to see that.

[Miss Manic!]

i'm only posting to say that i like your name.

[skrinkleandskrod]

Miss Manic!

i'm only posting to say that i like your name.

thankyou!

[Hehekea]

Standing up and butting into a situation can very often not only put yourself, but the person being harassed at greater danger. You can easily elevate a situation from being bad, to someone is going to get hurt. Its not always the best idea to stand up and do something about it. Especially if you believe the people around you will not also stand up.

Say in a crowded bus a man is harassing a woman. Looking around you see no one else is paying attention or seems to care and the man seems like the type that would turn violent. Acting in that situation can be very dangerous. However same situation except looking around and seeing there is more than one or two people that are obviously side eying the man and obviously seemed bothered but don't seem to be quite ready to do something about it. Standing up and stopping the man in that situation is likely safer because by standing up you encourage others to stand with you thus outnumbering the man and decreasing the chance of him retaliating. But its still dangerous.

We cant on one hand be encouraged to stand up for one another and on the other hand be encouraged to stay safe. Those two things unfortunately will contradict each other at times and we have to decide which is more important. Most of us aren't willing to risk our neck for a stranger on the bus who is just being harassed and not outright abused, its human nature.

[Idolatrine]

That thinking just doesn't take into account that
A.) Social anxiety is a thing
B.) Getting involved carries a risk, especially for people in various marginalized groups
C.) Women (at least in the West) are often socialized to be as quiet and compliant as possible
D.) The entire world is not a safe space.

And honestly, they sound like they're missing the part where adults can teach kids not to harass each other and it's up to the adults to model that.