FA'E: Kia's Diary (Neith-Kia is Guardian)

[Neith-Kia]

Valentine's Day, hours after the birth.

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Kia woke up hours later. It was a slow waking, and with it, Kia became aware slowly of the throbbing pain. It wasn't until she'd woken up competely that she felt it entirally. Before, it'd turned into some sort of groggy numb feeling... but NOW.

And she rememebred, hadn't the doctor said something about stitches? ...and hadn't he woken her up already, along with nurses every now and then for feeding? It was all very fuzzy now to Kia, she must have been half asleep or asleep for a long while. She couldn't even see Taka around.

Pulling herself slowly up into a sitting position, Kia looked around as she tried to brush her hair with her fingers. Nearby was a very tiny body in a crib. Her little girl, wrapped in her first blanket. And Cog, who must have been charging or something, was sitting in the corner nearby with all lights off.

Her bag, the one Momma had packed, was sitting on the set of drawers next to Kia. Kia pulled it open and took out a notepad and pen.

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Dear Diary

Firstly, when doctor tells you to not push, DO NOT PUSH.

Secondly: Ow. Ow ow ow ow OW OW.

I went into labor... I do not know how long now, I have been sleeping... and it lasted for seven hours. I know, because I was watching the clock. Seven long hours, and when it happened, when the first baby came out, I... I don't even remember how painful it was, it was so bad.

She is lying there now, the little girl that Taka and I get to keep. I think she is sleeping, her eyes are shut and she is breathing slowly and calmly. I think we get to go home today, but I do not know for sure... no one has come to see me in hospital. But I did say that it would not happen for two weeks.

When I get home, I will ... get into bed again. I hope Taka knows how to do some baby things, because I feel so sore. But maybe I can shuffle around, and in a few days, I will go see if I can find people at HQ if they do not come visit.

I think Youko has gone with Omi, he has gone home. She is a little fa'e, I bet she is already strong. I wonder now though, how she and Tie will grow up as sisters. Tie will be slower to learn, and Omi is going to be very quick at it. But maybe they will not mind? I hope not.

Kia put down the pen, yawning. She was tired again, and there was no sign of Taka. On the bottom she added,

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But now Taka can write what he wants, because I am sleeping. And Taka, I love you!

...and then Kia pushed the table away, and curled up on one side to sleep again.

[Neith-Kia]

16th March, 2005

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Dear Diary

Living with Taka is not as easy as I thought, and being Momma is very very busy. So busy that I'm sneaking in this diary entry in my shopping, while sitting in cafe, and I know it has been a long time since my last. But it is not because Tie is fussy, she is the quietest and sweetest baby I ever have known. She is growing quickly, not as quickly as Omi is, but she is still growing. I feel very tired, and it is hard to get used to this all.

I feel much better now, I am nearly healed. My body is not back to how it used to be, maybe it will never be? It is not so bad though, and I am finding that doing the house work seems to help.

Speaking of house work, how did Momma ever clean second story windows?!!! Or clean the bathroom? It's horrible!

I miss Omi very much, I love that Youko is her guardian, but I still miss her. I think Tie does too, but I can not know exactly how she thinks. Once I tried to see if I could connect mind to her mind, but since she was born that talent has gotten very weak and she is mortal. It never works. And I sometimes wonder if it is bad that she will never have magic? I feel all odd, I have not told anyone, but I do. It was not slow, when I became half-fa'e, it didn't feel slow. It was quick, and now I feel like... like... things are harder? I can not talk to Taka mind to mind now, or share things with him as easy. And my wings... I can still feel urges to fly, but I feel even nervouser now. What if I fall and break a leg? Who can take care of her then?

It has been a month now. A whole month! And still, Taka can not change a diaper right, but he tries. That's okay, I make him clean. See, Tie has started to play this game. Because she can now grasp things, she likes to throw things... well, I think it's throwing. And when she is with Taka, I think she likes to do things to make him struggle. She finds her daddy very amusing!

Tie is getting so big now though! I am sure she was not this big before, and she is full of big beautiful smiles for anyone and everyone. And she stares at people, with big blue eyes. She is quiet, but she likes to play with the toys that make noise. I think she even has a favorite song, she gets so excited when I start to sing Old Macdonald and bangs whatever is in her hands together as fast as she can. (Not very fast.) She likes this song as well, I found it on the internet:

A. You're Adorable
A - You're adorable
B - You're so beautiful
C - You're a cutie full of charms
D - You're a darling, and
E - You're exciting, and
F - You're a feather in my arms
G - You look so good to me
H - You're so heavenly
I - You're the one I idolize
J - We're like Jack and Jill
K - You're so kissable
L - Is the love light in your eyes
M, N, O, P - I could go on all day
Q, R, S, T - Alphabetically speaking, you're O.K.
U - Make my life complete
V - Means you're very sweet
W, X, Y, Z - It's fun to wander through
The alphabet with you
To tell you what you mean to me!

Sounds strange to sing, but she loves it and I love it when she is happy. I think Cog is not sure about her, so he avoids her. He did not like Aurora when she was a child, maybe it is that?

Her favorite game is peekaboo. She does not get it, but she likes it anyway. In fact, I think she is trying her hardest to learn everything so maybe that makes her mind very tired? She also tries to speak sometimes, but she never makes noise for long. I think she might sing like Taka one day, she has a voice that is so nice to hear, when she does use it. I think she tries to get our attention with movement, she does not cry till she has to. She can do so much now, and I remember when she was all floppy. Maybe she is going to sit up soon, she always moves her limbs and arches her back and tries to roll over. I think she wants to move around more...? Taka has called her 'Queen of wriggle worms', I heard him say it once, I think it is very perfect.

And Tie loves to be carried around on my front or back, or to be pushed around. And she loves to have massages, I was told that massages are very good for babies. Lavender makes her sleepy, and rose seems to cheer her up when she is sniffly and sad.

But anyway. Now that she is this age, she likes people again. And I am feeling much better about going out, for the first few bit I was just happy to hide in house and take care of her, and spend time with Taka when he is home. Momma calls, but she told me that I had to do this on my own for a little while. I see her weekly, we go shopping together. She is sad still about Kochi, I think it is okay that she needs to spend time with Elle alone so I have not asked for her to take Tie. And I do not see Taka much, and I understand why, but I do miss him. Maybe I can get Momma to babysit Tie for a weekend, and try and kidnap Taka to a bed and breakfast? She must be able to take her now, and if not, I can ask someone else.

Speaking of sad, I saw Hoshi. And he is very sad, and I am now, Shina is missing. I hope he is okay, he can babysit Tie at anytime he wants to. I think she likes him.

I wonder how Omi is! I feel bad about not seeing her as often as I want to, and I think about her every single hour I am awake. I am buying her presents, I think when I see her next I will give her them. I hope she remembers me, I am very scared that she will forget me and her sister.

Anyway, I think Tie wants to go do something. She is wriggling around with the toy in her mouth and staring up at me with large blue eyes.
--

Kia paused and stared back towards Tie, who stared back with the bright baby toy in her mouth. She leaned down to coo at Tie, "Hello Tie, what is your Momma doing?" as she tickled her gently. Tie's face lit up from behind the little fish-toy, and she kicked her legs in her happy-baby guesture. Attention! Attention was always good!

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---

I can't wait till she starts to talk, because she looks like there is so much going on in her little head. Already, and she is so young! I do not hear her say many things, even in baby talk, but I am sure I have heard her say da-da once or twice when no one was around. I go to the bathroom or to the kitchen for two minutes, and I hear her talking sometimes.

Also, I think I want to get a job when she is a little bigger. I do not know what job though.

I miss all the fa'e. I miss them, but will it be different now that I am only half a fa'e and they are all full? Does that matter? I'm scared it will. So scared that I have not been to HQ since I took Tie there. Nearly a month ago. I wonder what I have missed? I have started to think that maybe I do not want to loose my last half of fa'e, because it is so scary. It is what I have always known! It has only changed half but it is already making me feel a bit paniky sometimes when I try to do something with an old talent and I can't get it to work as well as it could. I can't even dance as good, but why would that be related? Will all of what I could do vanish with it?

To me, it is so different. I knwo I said this, but it is true. I have not dreampt about Egypt once since the birth, or felt how the sand felt, or smelt the smell of the rich Egyptian mud like I used to. Makes me feel even more homesick sometimes, even if this is as much home as there. And I feel sad for Tie, that she is a little half-Egyptian daughter but she never known how Egypt makes you feel. I want her to know that.

...well, I know that I want no more children until I know what I want. I am happy enough, Tie is as radient and bright, and as warming as the sunshine of Egypt was in my dreams. Taka is the most special person in the world, I love him and all his good and bad sides. And who has time for fa'e talents anyway, when they have a baby who loves them to sing or to
dance? Soon she will come with me to HQ again, and she can meet other fa'e who will be her uncles and aunties. I want her to meet my old friends, all of them. And then I will take her to the clinic, and she can meet other babies her age.

Anyway, I got to go. Tie is not feeling very patient anymore.

Kia.

[Neith-Kia]

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Dear Diary

I have been taking Tie around to meet people and as she grows older, she becomes more interested in everyone. She has grown hair now, pretty hair that is much like me and Taka's hair. And her eyes are yellow, like Taka's. The final color came through not long ago.

When I say she is interested in everyone-I should say everything. She is interested in so much, and I know what toddler means. Toddler means she'll try everything. I have been making house toddler proof to make sure Tiegan is safe. I have even put toddler locks on cupboard doors. I just hope it is not also Taka proof...

I miss Taka. On easter morning, I woke up and he was not with me. I am not surprised I did not hear him, when I get sleep, I sleep very deep. But he was not in the room, or in the house and his car was gone. This is the note I found:

scribbled note

Dear Kia

ok.. I guess by now you, and Tie too I guess, probably noticed I'm not there?? yea. I'm not.

as much as I wish I could say I'm doing a big surprise for you.. I can't.

I'm not gonna be there for Easter.

I'll be there as soon as I can, I PROMISE!!! the last thing I want is to be away..

but Rob called.. he said it was some emergency and I had to come.. I dont know if its rehearsal, or something like a meeting, or what.. I dont know. but from what he said, it might take a while, and I'm not talking just a couple hours. sorry....

I love you.. both you and Tie, of course! Happy easter, love? (I guess tell Tie the same thing...since I can't be there)

I promise, if you're mad, we can do whatever you want to make it up.. go on a big luxury-type easter-makeup vacation extravaganza, or anything!

I'm sorry.. I'll be back as soon as I can..

Love, Taka

I am not mad, I miss him though. I would have liked him to come to the easter party.

Also, I'm starting to think that I will never be like a fa'e again. I feel like I am not a fa'e at all! I mean... Tiegan couldn't be a accidental fa'e? Kamiki might have not made a human by mistake, but made a fa'e who bonded to me who was a non-fa'e?

No, that is silly. I am being silly. I am just scared, because I am not able to reach out to minds anymore like I could. I don't feel it in me... once I could, but now I feel like it's all been drained and there's nothing left.

It's probably the lack of sleep I am having with Tiegan?

Better news! I went and saw Omi! She is so pretty and bright and smart, and growing up so quickly. She still knows me, and I have a pretty gift just for her. I need to send it too.

-Kia

[Neith-Kia]

It was a peaceful night. The air was chilly, but the lower floor of the home warmed by an open fireplace burning slowly. Kia and Cog were alone, Taka was out that evening as he usually was. Tiegan had fallen asleep a while ago, and had lately stayed asleep for longer than three hours. And two fire sprockets were dancing in the flames. And the TV was playing a movie with the sound down.

Cog was sure that it was first time in a while that they'd been alone for a long time. There wasn't as much time with Kia anymore, now that Cog had to compete with toddler, fiance and family. And sprockets. It was for that reason that he didn't waste any time in asking the youth a question that Cog felt he had the right an answer to. He'd talked to Neith 'over the phone' earlier, they'd agreed to discuss Kia together to help figure out their worries. And now, as he'd promiced, Cog asked Kia something they were both curious about.

" Kia, which path will you take?"

Kia glanced up from the TV, and stared at Cog. "What do you mean?"

"As a fa'e, which path will you take?"

That hadn't been a question that Kia would have ever thought anyone would ask her, so she was unable to answer for a few moments. After all, wasn't it obvious? Kia had already had a fa'e child... "Cog, I chose a path... Nozomi?"

Cog didn't answer for a few moments, but it was clear he was attempting to work out how to say what he had next. When he did, he asked, "But did you choose to get pregnant with a fa'e, or did it happen by accident?"

"It was an accident. So? Omi is still a fa'e and here... and don't use that word. I love her, she is the best accident anyone could have."

"So, if she was an accident, how can you have choosen a path?"

Kia couldn't answer that, pausing. It was strange, she'd never thought of that. Kia's mind had been on the girls since the second she'd discovered she was carrying one. "I... fate gave me a push? Does not matter how it was decided, but it is decided now. What are you trying to do, make me regert having Omi?" Without meaning to, her voice had raised a little more and Kia felt herself being poked hard by one of Cog's metal fingers.

"Don't wake Tiegan, Kia. And all I'm trying to do is ask you what choice you want to make."

"But it is made. I have Omi, and I am marrying Taka, and we have Tiegan."

Cog paused, and after a few moments, told Kia, "You only have one fa'e child. You are still half-fa'e, unless Tiegan is secretly a fa'e. Will you let life make the choice, or will you make it?"

"I'm not going to leave Taka! I go where he goes." Kia winced when she was poked again, and she attempted to lower her voice to continue, "And why are you trying to make me change my mind?"

"So... what path is Taka taking then?" Cog asked. The lack of an answer from Kia and her sudden blank look answered that, so he continued in perfect Egyptian, <i>"Kia, I'm bonded to you as mortal or fa'e. And I'll follow your path. But I don't want you to just shut your eyes and let the choice be made by an accident. Do you plan on becoming pregnant again with a fa'e?" </i>

<i>" I never thought about it."</i> Kia answered, staring down at her now dark hands. <i>"I just... I found out about Omi and accepted it. ...and you sound like you've been talking to Momma."</i>

"I have."

"Of course. She would get you to ask that! Momma doesn't even like Taka, and now she's gotten you against him too?" Kia's voice had started to raise again, and the sound of a cry nearby made her wince. She'd woken Tiegan.

"I'm not against him! We're worried that you're here because you were pregnant, and think this is all life will be. She's your Momma and I'm your fandangle, and we'll always be caring for you."

"I'm here because I love Taka!" Kia stood up, as Tiegan's upset crying got more urgent. "And I love Tie, and Omi, and I don't feel bad about life like it is, and I don't NEED caring for! And if I did, Taka can do it better than either of you!" She stormed off towards the nursery.

Cog let out a mental sigh, knowing that could have gone a lot better. He resisted replying mentally, 'Taka's not home enough to take care of you', knowing that'd just turn Kia's anger into something a lot worse. ...now. Cog needed was some psychology books on young adults, to study Kia's mind before trying again...

Then he heard Kia's shout, "And stop pretending to be smart!"


When Tiegan had calmed down and fallen asleep again, Kia flopped in a seat nearby and stared at her blankly. Cog's words were echoing through Kia's mind over and over, and there wasn't a thing she could do to stop them. Why hadn't she thought of it? Was Kia really willing to let that choice be made so easily, did she want to go through life knowing that she'd only become a mortal because it was best for Taka?

And what did Taka want?

Kia lay back a bit more, sighing. She'd had so many memories by now, of Egypt and love and life... but none of them made sense. They were muddled, like a jigsaw. Whenever Kia tried to put them in order, it never seemed to work. There were some key details she knew. Kia knew how she'd died, she knew that she'd married a Taka before, she knew she'd had children. She also knew that there was something mixed in there about Bennu?

Whenever Kia looked at Tiegan, she didn't see an Egyptian child. She did see her daughter, of course, but it was like something was lacking. Culture, maybe? Tiegan didn't know about culture, and Kia had never done anything Egyptian with her.

There was also the problem that Kia didn't know what she'd be if she was an ancient. An Egyptian? A 'Bennu'? Ra's daughter-in-law? Was she even important enough to be anything, seeing as Kia's memories were of a mortal woman only?

Kia envied Nyoka. Nyoka knew who she was. She was this beautiful greek Medusa, a Queen reunited with her people and a woman who knew who and what she was. Kia was alone in Gaia, Kia had no clear idea of what she was, and there wasn't a single Egyptian left... apart from Onuris, but he was as much Gaian as he was Egyptian.

It was something that would haunt Kia, she knew. Mortal or Ancient? Should she accept that she'd started this path by accident and continue... or would she fight her way over towards the ancient path?

What was waiting for her, what would come out of each path? And Taka... what did he want? Would Kia give up something she wanted, to follow him? ...well, that was obvious. She would. She loved him. The question was though, would she be happy after? The future was frightening.

Kia decided then and there that she'd prevent any more children from coming till she could be sure about what was being lost. There was a few lifetimes to remember first.

[Neith-Kia]

Kia curled up on the outside porch in a old couch, alone and able to breath without a toddler clinging to her for the first time in a long while. It was stressful now, Kia had never known a life like this. Tiegan depended on Kia for everything, and she needed Kia for every day and all day. It was so different to what Kia had been used to, and she was starting to feel the strain of it now.

Kia starting to appreciate her own Momma's efforts now, she'd never known how hard it was. How did Neith manage so many little ones?! And how did she even want to help Kia now?

Now that Neith was babysitting a night of the week, Kia had time to relax and think things out. Since Cog had said what he'd said, there wasn't any way that she'd been able to erase those questions out of her head. They repeated themselves over and over to Kia, as if now that they'd been voiced, there'd never be a way to quieten them till they were answered. It should have been simple and quick, Kia knew that. She should know the answers, be able to voice them out loud and stop her mind from spinning.

Only, she didn't know the answers. As much as Kia would have liked to convince herself that she did, that her life was planned and good, she couldn't. She didn't plan her life. That wasn't what was bothering Kia the most though. She'd started to question why she was here. And why she was marrying Taka.

She loved Taka, Kia knew that. She loved him, and she wanted to follow him throughout their lives. But what was that? Did that mean that they'd be mortal, or half-fa'e? Did Taka want to be an ancient? And did Kia really mean she'd give up what she desired, for what he wanted? ...and what if he only loved her, stayed with her out of duty , and love for Tiegan?

Besides, if there hadn't been any twins, what would Kia and Taka have done with their lives? Would Taka have stayed with Kia as long as he had, would Kia have ever been a Momma?

If she hadn't had twins...

Kia sighed, and rolled onto her back. She stared up at the cracks in the wood of the veranda's roof, attempting to figure out that.

If she hadn't had twins, Kia and Taka would be like how they used to be, carefree and reckless. It was mostly centred around Tiegan now, Tiegan and her future, her happiness, her attention. They barely had time for each other, with Taka's job and all.

And if Kia hadn't had twins, she would have started to explore her past fully. It was all fragmented in Kia's head, clear memories scrabbled into a confusing mess. Kia couldn't know what was better, mortal or ancient. She might have even wanted to be an ancient, if Kia had ever figured out what exactly she was. But she didn't have time anymoer for her own personal quests, not yet. Tiegan wasn't old enough yet.

She might have done this anyway, Kia might have had children. It wasn't that she regretted being a Momma, young as she was, or dedicating her love and devotion to one man for the rest of her life. It was that she hated not knowing what she might have accomplished, hated not knowing why Taka was still with her, if he loved her, or if he felt like he had to be for her and his daughter, and worst of all, Kia hated that all of her close fa'e friends had a good idea of who and what they were. She had a blurred idea, a name of some sort of fire bird, and that was it. Kia didn't even have her old strength with her 'powers' anymore, surely her memories would be fading with the other?

Kia sighed. It was all too complex. She'd write down her questions, and figure this all out later. She scribbled down in her book,

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Is Taka with me because of Tiegan only?
Who/What am I?
Am I happy not knowing?
What do I do now?

[Neith-Kia]

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Dear Diary

Tie is almost grown into a girl now, and summer is really here. I am taking her to the swimming pool as much as I can so she can learn to swim, and she is like a duckling... Tie seems to know how without much teaching. In fact I look silly beside her, I flop around and sink all the time, and she swims around in floaties.

House keeping is really boring now. It used to be fun, but now it is so tiring. I like keeping music on while I do it, and I got Tie toys so she could pretend to do it too. She doesn't like her toy broom for sweeping though, she pretends it is a horse.

In fact, with life so typical, sometimes I forget I'm still half-fa'e.

There's this girl here living with us now! I didn't write about this earlier, but I'm going to adopt a baby. And she is the mother, she needs a place to stay some nights. That part of life is good, I love to take care of her and cook and give her an easy end of pregnancy. She is having a hard time like I did, and because I know what it is like, I know how to make her feel relaxed. Sometimes I wonder if a baby is a good idea, my life is so boring... but I think Tie needs a sibling with how we live so far away from neighbours. And I like the idea of having two babies.

But I miss my old friends. Having a baby meant that I lost time to see them. I wish I could go out to see them again, before the new baby is born.

In my study room.... I don't think Taka knows but... I have a special adult collection now. They are hidden away in a box. But I'm starting to miss Taka so much... and I dont' want him to stop what he is doing, he loves it! He always seems so happy and tired, as if he has been doing lots and lots and lots while away. I am happy for him, I just feel really lonely where we are now. Our house is far away from all our old friends, and I am often here with Tie alone.

Kia.