~The Black Rose~

[Doktor Dubstep]

"If some one has too many scars to count--physical and emotional--then you should leave them behind because they'll only cause you pain." Jussi said, staring out the window. "Depression is like drowning, I bet if you looked in a dictionary it might just say "See drowning" under depression.. and it's definition doesn't begin to cover it by the way. Isn't it funny? Definitions. I wonder if that word has one.. heh. We make words out to have no emotional attachment what so ever... yet some hurt, some make you laugh... I can't bear to look at some words." He continued on, completely rambling and so out of it he barely realized he was talking, then when he did he realized he wasn't saying what he should be, so he froze, glanced over to Chibi, and created a wide smile. "But anyway! Enough of that silly stuff! No need to talk about sad things when I've got such a good life! You want something from the bar at all?"

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina glanced up at him, looking back at the ground guiltily. "No thanks, Jussi, I'm fine," she answered quietly. "You're acting kind of fake lately," she said off-handedly, half regretting it once the words left her mouth. She wasn't even sure that he had heard her.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"Fake?" Jussi wondered aloud. "How can I be fake?" His eyes were empty. "I haven't an idea on who I am. Which person I'm supposed to be. I wish some one would just call a damn hospital and have them take me away already." He added, truly wanting to get 'fixed'.

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina stared off into the distance, talking mainly for herself. "You tell us you're broken but won't tell us how. You say one minute you hate hospitals and all they stand for then you want to get fixed. You're confusing. And you're acting as if everyone should just accept that. But we can't- we're not all like what you expect; we don't drop everything and run with our tails between our legs when something gets a little different from what we expect." 'You gotta trust someone,' she added silently, only half bitterly.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"You're right, because if I was called in a hospital now, I would hunt the person down who sent me there." Jussi said, looking down. "I confuse myself with how I am, if that makes it any easier for anyone else." He paused, thinking over what it is he wanted to say. "You know you're confusing, too. You say you'll always be there for someone, but then you make them feel abandoned when love comes along, and you make them feel like they're unwanted, so they push you away. It kills them to, but they do, because they trusted you more than they ever let on, but now because you went and broke that unspoken trust, they're not sure what to do anymore. They'll cry out for help, but then they'd probably be confused if they got it, and every little spiteful thing you say, even with the slightest hint of sarcasm, makes them want to run with their tail between their legs."

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina looked down, guiltily realizing a lot of what he said was right. "I'm sorry," she said, knowing it probably wouldn't mean anything to him. "I know it won't help, but anything said in spite was just misdirected anger. I was mad at myself for screwing things up and it made me doubt myself and, in turn, everyone around me. It's not fair to you that I broke a promise, even unknowingly, and it's especially not fair that after I was warned I didn't pay attention. I was stubborn; I thought I was right. But now I know that it's true what they say about hindsight being 20/20. And I don't know if you'll forgive me and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to. And even if you don't, I'm still going to work to be better. Because I have to be better." She looked up at him hesitantly, praying for anything but silence. "I have to help, not hurt," she added, so quietly it was almost just a thought.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"If I come closer to you, it gives you free range to hit me." Jussi started, meaning this physically as a metaphor to emotionally. "And if I walk away, and turn my back, it leaves me open to attack. You could stab me there." His eyes didn't move or blink away from something he aparantly liked staring at just outside the window. "Where as if I stay at arm's length and watch carefully, you can't touch me. For the most part, at least. Every so often I'm sure you'll find something to reach me, for hurt or comfort, but I'll be mostly safe right here. And it's unfair for anyone to expect any more of me. It takes a lot to get this close. If it weren't for the lonliness, I'd have never been in range at all."

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina pulled her knees up to her chest, playing with the fringe on the knee of her pants. "I wouldn't hurt you," she said, understanding that he wouldn't believe her. "If you face me and get close, I'll look out behind you and protect you from attack. If you turned your back on me I would still try to make sure nothing attacked you from behind." Riina knew she shouldn't expect more than what she got, it was more than she deserved. She had to admit, no matter how much she didn't want to, that this was as far as it could get.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"Don't push me." Jussi said, his voice cracking slightly. "This is hard." He choked out.

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina recoiled further from him, instinctively trying to not hurt him. She didn't know what she had done this time, but she scolded herself anyway. "What's hard?" she asked, confused. she had the feeling she should know what he meant, but she didn't, so she scolded herself once more. Riina switched back and forth from playing with the rubber on the sole of her shoe to glancing up at Jussi.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"Forget it!" Jussi screamed. "If you don't get it now, then you never will!" He looked over, his eyes holding a look most people didn't have.

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina looked up at him. "I'm sorry," she said simply, folding her hands in front of her knees pulled tight to her chest. "I could understand, if I just knew what it was I have to understand. So many different things could be hard, I don't know what I'm trying to pinpoint here," she explained.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"Nevermind." Jussi said evenly. "It doesn't matter now."

[JustAnotherLostProphet]

Riina bit her lip, unsure whether or not to believe him. She was pretty sure he didn't want to tell her, and she wasn't willing to push the matter and anger him. "Okay," she finally answered, still a bit wary. She stood and walked to the bar to get a much missed Chai. "Want anything?" she asked Jussi.

[Doktor Dubstep]

"Him." Jussi said as he sat back and then stretched out, ending up laying down sideways on the floor.